


Red Baseball Cap {Hiatus}

by oceanicmars



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Angst, Depression, F/M, Fake AH Crew, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Multi, Referenced Child Murder, Suicidal Thoughts, chapter 31 is a smut chapter, if you do not want smut you can totes skip it, it has nothing to do with plot lmao, more tags/characters/warnings will be added as time passes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-04-10 07:03:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 100,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4381970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanicmars/pseuds/oceanicmars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started with that fucking red baseball cap.<br/>--- --- ---<br/>GTA/Fake AH Crew Fic that started when I realized how much I like Ryan's hat he wore in Germany. Other than that, I have no idea why I started this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fuck Him, Fuck This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for now, this just says Ryan/Ray, but as time passes and I write more, I will add the additional pairings and warnings if any do come up. To be honest this just hit me randomly, and so I'm just going with the flow. I hope you enjoy this journey with me! <3

It all started with that fucking red baseball cap.

Before that, roughly 7 years ago, Ray had arrived in Los Santos. But he wasn't living in luxury, no, he was living on the streets, doing small jobs for easy cash and desperately trying to survive. It wasn't as bad as home, but then again, it still sucked ass.

What a shitty life.

* * *

 

One night, he found a dead cop.

It wasn't rare for there to be a dead bodies on the streets. But a dead cop meant that there was a gang attack. Which meant there were going to be _a lot_ of dead cops.

But dead bodies to Ray meant they had no need for whatever they once owned. He quickly began digging through pockets, stripping the man of his wallet, his gun, and whatever else Ray felt was needed to survive.

He stopped when he found the photograph. It was the cop with what Ray assumed to be his wife, and a baby. A tiny, probably just newborn child. And Ray felt sick to his stomach.

 

He felt sickened that trash on the streets like him lived, while good men just doing their jobs died.

He left the scene with nothing. He ran. He couldn't function, he couldn't think, the thought of death was frustrating.

_Everything was frustrating._

That was when Ray vowed to never take the life of a man who's face he saw. He would never be able to kill someone without thinking of the people who loved that person. He wouldn't be able to look them in the face and end their life.

He honestly believed he'd never be able to kill anyone. He felt weak. It fucked him up pretty bad, he couldn't do a lot without feeling sick.

And then, a month later, he encountered the man with the red baseball cap.

 

Ray hadn't eaten in days. He felt weak, disgusted with himself for the feeling. He hated being 'weak'. So he wobbled through the alleyways, and turned the corner, hoping there was leftover food in this garbage bin. His previous dumpster dives were failures, and he was getting desperate.

Instead, he turned just in time to watch a man's throat get slit in front of him. He saw the knife cut cleanly through skin, red liquid flow from the wound. If he weren't starving, if he wasn't weak, he would of screamed. But instead he stood there, staring at the lifeless body now limp on the ground.

That's when he realized there was a murderer in front of him. He looked at the killer, and examined them. Why not, after all, he was going to die next. May as well look at his killer. A built man, probably in their late twenties, with a surgeon mask on stood before him. Weird.

Cold, piercing blue eyes stared at Ray now. Ray stared back.

 _Fuck this_ , Ray thought.

"So," he begun, surprising himself for his voice hoarse and weak, "Are you gonna do it or what."

The man's head tilted to the side slightly, as if confused, before he approached Ray. Ray stood still in fear, but managed to look up when the man stopped walking.

This man was tall, fucking hell. Ray felt so puny compared to him. But he wasn't going to act like he felt so small, no, Ray was a stubborn bastard. He would go down feeling like the bigger man.

"Just make it quick," Ray continued, smirking, "Just end it. I got nothing to live for, besides, I'm just another person to you."

Ray hated himself sometimes because of his big fucking mouth.

It felt like eternity had passed before the man reached in his bag. Ray hadn't even noticed it, he had stared straight into this man's eyes this entire time. But now, time was up. He shut his eyes tight, not wanting to see the weapon that would end his life.

It was if time slowed down. Ray held his breath.

 

He felt something cover his head in a rapid motion. There was pressure pressed down for a moment, as if trying to convey something, and then it disappeared. Ray's eyes snapped open, but his view was blocked. He quickly grabbed it, and tugged it off, annoyed by how uncomfortable the inside of it was, and annoyed he couldn't see for that brief moment.

That was the red baseball cap. And inside it, wads of cash. No wonder it was uncomfortable on his head. Ray couldn't help but stare, in awe at how much money there was.

He could actually survive with this.

He could live.

But his mind beckoned him to reality, and he looked around. The killer was gone. As if he never was there. And for some reason, that annoyed the fuck out of Ray.

Instead of killing him, he gave Ray money. It was like the cold blooded murderer pitied him, looked down at him as unfortunate. And this man had just killed some civilian without any remorse. That pissed Ray off more than the disappearance.

He vowed to pay that mother fucker back, but double the amount. Because _fuck. Him._

* * *

 

Present day, Ray was holding the dumb cap in his hands. It held up pretty well, or in other words, it didn't look shitty despite the years. Smirking, he put it on his head, and pressed down. Just like that day, when that fucker put the cap on him.

Rather than irritation, he felt a warm, nostalgic wave flow throughout him. To be honest, he owed that dumb murderer and this dumb cap a lot. His current life was great because of the two. He secretly wished he could thank the guy.

That didn't mean Ray wasn't going to pay him back. The feeling of "fuck him" was still as strong as ever.

He chuckled, and looked at himself in the mirror. Red cap on, he had his favorite purple hoodie on, and some jeans he's owned for god knows how long. He made some poses, and couldn't help but laugh.

He looked fucking stupid.

He took the hat off, put it back in his dresser where it was neatly stored and protected, and walked out of his room.

 

He entered the living room just in time to see Michael tackle Gavin to the ground.

It was to be expected. The two were always like this. But for it to start this early?

Ray sighed. Slipping into the kitchen, he grabbed a cup to drink some water.

"Morning Ray," Jack mumbled, yawning as he entered the kitchen. He was smiling, but immediately flinched when Gavin squawked, Michael laughing hysterically at the Brit's cries. He scowled at them, the smile replaced as he got himself a glass of water as well. "Do they have go be so loud this early?"

"Hey, just be glad they aren't banging," Ray said, making Jack chuckle, smile returning. They drank their water, watching Michael continuing his "attack". Jack laughed as Gavin now cried for help, begging his "X-Ray" to come save him. Ray just shrugged and looked away, Gavin squawking even louder from the betrayal.

Geoff now walked in, looking god awful. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey (ignoring Jack's glare of disapproval) and took a long swig from it. Ray counted the seconds before Geoff put the bottle down, empty.

Twelve seconds. Not bad, but Ray knew he could do better.

"You two fuckers," Geoff pointed to Michael and Gavin, who had ceased the fight, "get the meeting room setup. I have to introduce the new member today. He's coming soon, just get the room nice and ready for everyone."

"What?! Geoff, come on," Michael cried, "You gotta be joking! He's coming in a week, I thought we agreed that was best!"

"Change in plans," Geoff huffed out, "I tried, but he wouldn't listen. We're meeting him today. Now go and make that meeting room presentable. And don't fuck on the table."

The two lads groaned as they headed to the meeting room. Ray looked at Jack, who just shrugged, just as lost as Ray.

"Geoff," Ray begun, "I thought we all agreed you'd introduce the guy next week, when Lindsay gets back. What happened?"

"Change in fucking plans, I said this earlier," he grumbled, "Said he wants to come now. Something about wanting to scope the place out."

"... Are you," Ray hesitated, but continued when Geoff looked his way, not as angry looking as he sounded, "Are you okay? You aren't normally this way."

Geoff sighed loudly, as he tried to grab another bottle, which was now impossible because Jack stood in the way, arms crossed. Geoff looked betrayed, but, didn't protest as he grabbed a cup of water like the other two.

"I spent all night trying to convince him to wait, but he wouldn't have it," Geoff said, looking back to Ray, "It really screws us over, but we have no choice. He won't listen."

 

That added some tension to the room. Ray eyed Jack again, and the man stood straighter.

 _I hate when dad irritates mom_ , Ray couldn't help but think.

"How do we know he'll listen during missions then," Jack asked, "If he won't listen now, who knows what he'll do. Geoff, we don't know the guy. All we know is that he's a psychopath, and that he can kill anyone he wants."

"Which is why we need him, a muscle guy," Geoff said, now grinning. Ray knew that grin, and he, along with everyone else, hated it. It was the "trust me, I got this" grin.

"Trust me," Ray chuckled a bit as Geoff continued, "right now he's being stubborn, but he'll be great. Imagine what we'll be able to do with him around, we'll be like kings!"

Jack just sighed, knowing all too well Geoff won't change his mind, shaking his head as Geoff waited for response of some kind.

"YOLO, I guess," Ray muttered, causing Geoff to smile at Ray now.

A few moments later, the doorbell rung. Geoff jumped, but his smile didn't fade as he rushed to the door. Jack headed to the meeting room, muttering something about a spoiled old drunk (Ray agreed) as Ray slowly approached the door.

Geoff blocked the entry way, so Ray reluctantly took a few more steps forward.

"... and it'll be great, I'm sure you'll fit in," Ray overheard Geoff say, before Geoff realized he was in the room. "Oh, here's one right now, meet Brownman, our sniper."

Ray watched as the Geoff stepped aside, and the guest stepped inside.

Intimidating, tall, muscular, he looked the part at least. And then Ray looked up.

A black skull mask stared right at him. Ray stared back.

"Brownman, meet Vagabond," Geoff said, grinning as he pat the man's shoulder, "Our new muscle man."

 _Well_ , Ray thought.

_Fuck this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, let's see how this goes <33


	2. Distrust and Exchange Diaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I added some more tags/relationships after I did some planning. As you can see, I'm kinda planning this story out, but it's still a "go with the flow" kind of deal. So, I do hope you enjoy this chapter of extreme distrust towards Vagabond, and bonding over sparkly, pink exchange diaries.

The room was tense as Geoff babbled on about Vagabond. It was to be expected, after all, when a man wearing a skull mask just stares at you, it’s hard to relax. He was surprised Geoff was fine with it, but then again, apparently he and Vagabond go way back. Ray had tuned out after Geoff begun talking about the “old days”, he had heard the story plenty of times.

Ray looked over to Vagabond, who just stared (was he staring? Hard to tell with the fucking mask) back. What did he expect. He sighed, and adverted his gaze to the others.

 

Michael was glaring at Vagabond. _That_ was to be expected. Out of everyone here, Michael was the most wary of strangers. Ray was lucky he hit it off so well with the guy at the beginning, he’d hate to be the one receiving that nasty look. But, Vagabond seem unfazed (Ray can’t fucking tell because of the mask. It begun to irritate him, but he tried to keep calm. _Fuck that mask._ ) and just continued to stare at… whatever.

Gavin had begun fumbling with his phone, but often took a sneak peek at Vagabond. Jack had been silent, listening to Geoff the entire time. _Good guy Jack_ , Ray couldn’t help but think.

Jack was probably the only one who said hello to Vagabond, and introduced himself as Jack, not his codename. So out of everyone, only the lads had stayed under codename. Jack and Geoff were on first name basis with the guy.

Ray wouldn’t lie, it bugged him that Vagabond wouldn’t introduce himself. He just let Geoff talk (who wasn’t even talking about Vagabond anymore) and stared. At what, Ray had given up trying to figure out. But, he wasn’t going to be phased by it. He took his 3DS out, and loaded up the save file.

 

A few minutes (or hours, Ray lost track of time/could care less) passed, and everything went rather swell. Until Michael asked the question Ray had been wondering himself.

“Why won’t you fucking talk,” Michael said, rather than asked, Vagabond, interrupting Geoff’s story. The man just turned to face Michael, and Michael crossed his arms.

“This entire fucking meeting, you let Geoff talk. How come? What the fuck are you hiding from us, Vagabond.”

Ray closed his 3DS, and began to listen as well. In fact, probably everyone at the table was listening now. Vagabond just shrugged, and leaned back in his chair.

Michael wouldn’t, and _didn't_ approve of that.

“Just because Geoff is all buddy buddy with you, ain’t mean the rest of us are. We all know the rumors, we’ve read your files. You’re a psychopath, and that means you are a dangerous, untrustable member as of now. Besides, how do we know you won’t fucking turn on us?”

Vagabond took out a piece of paper, and began writing something down. Ray shifted in his seat to see what the man was writing, but couldn’t get a good view. In the next minute though, he held up the paper so everyone could see.

**If I wished to kill you, I would have done it by now.**

 

The tension in the room got thicker. Ray smirked, trying to act unfazed. Gavin looked to Michael, who was turning red now. Geoff sighed, and slammed his hand on the table.

“Look,” he begun, “fighting won’t get us anywhere. Vagabond can be trusted, trust me. I know the guy, he isn’t as bad as the reports say.”

Michael shook his head though, and stood up. “I’m not trusting this crazy fuck.”

He left the room, and Gavin looked pitifully at Geoff before running after him. Ray sighed, and looked to Jack. He sighed when he made eye contact with Ray, and got up to leave as well. Geoff ran his hand through his hair, and left the room as well.

 

Which left Ray and Vagabond.

 

The man stared straight at Ray, and Ray stared back. Finally, after the silent stare off, Ray couldn’t help but begin to chuckle. Vagabond’s head tilted in confusion.

“You’re mask is creepy as fuck,” Ray said, “And to be honest, it’s kinda cheesy. Like, really?! A black skull mask? Somebody’s trying too hard to be a creepy motherfucker.”

Fuck Ray’s big mouth. He instantly regretted the words when he saw Vagabond cross his arms. Did he take it too far? Was Vagabond gonna kill him now? Shit, this sucked major ass if he was gonna get killed for his big mouth. (Wouldn’t be the first time he almost got killed though.)

 

Instead, Vagabond shook his head, and appeared to be… laughing? Ray couldn’t tell, but the man before him shoulders shook, and he didn’t seem to be pissed. So Ray grinned, proud he wasn’t going to die for such a shitty reason. (Again, wouldn’t be the first time, he had a tendency of talking shit when he really shouldn't.)

“So, I guess you won’t talk to me,” Ray now said, “It’s cool, you do you. We can communicate with your little notes. And like, dude, maybe I’ll buy us a special notebook, our little communication diary. What do you say, sound cool?”

Vagabond took out another paper, and began writing down in it. _Where the fuck is he keeping those_ , Ray thought, as he leaned over to try and get an early glimpse of the reply. But, once again, he couldn’t see before the man finished writing.

**An exchange diary?**

Ray laughed, it sounded even stupider when written down. “Fuck yeah, it’ll be pink and have glitter. Oh, and like, it can have cute little kitten stickers all over it. How’s that sound?”

Vagabond wrote one word down, and Ray couldn’t help but smile.

**Perfect.**

* * *

So Ray had managed to hold some kind of conversation with Vagabond. To be honest, he was rather proud of himself. Vagabond didn’t seem all that bad, if you look past the creepy silent dude, and actually went along with Ray’s bullshit.

Now he wondered if he really did have to buy a pink, sparkly diary with kitten stickers on it. Fuck. How was he gonna explain that to the cashier. (“Oh yeah, funny story, I’m like, trying to become friends with this psychopath who wears a skull mask, and we decided that we’d have an exchange diary so we can become closer! It’s totally normal and not fucking stupid, right?!”)

 

He entered the living room where Gavin sat, staring at his laptop with an intense focus. Ray kicked the couch, and scared the living crap out of the Brit.

“Oi, watch what you’re doing XRay!” he cried, setting his laptop down on the coffee table, “If I dropped it, we’d be screwed! You’d owe me a new laptop!”

“You own, like, five of them. Chill,” Ray said, plopping down next to Gavin. The Brit huffed, but grinned, nudging Ray’s shoulder with his own.

 

“So,” he begun, “What do you think of Vagabond?”

He likes the idea of a pink, sparkly diary with kitten stickers, Ray wanted to say, but instead shrugged and said, “He’s weird, but I don’t think he’s as bad as we think.”

Gavin looked surprised, and looked back to the meeting room where Vagabond was. If he still was in there, that is.

“He creeps me out,” Gavin said, “And Michael isn’t too happy about him.”

“Speaking of Michael, where the fuck is he,” Ray asked, and Gavin pointed to the door leading to the balcony.

“Went out for a smoke and to call Lindsay, probably to rant to her about how stupid Geoff is being,” Gavin said, taking his phone out, “She might come home early now, because of this. She’s gotta help me with Michael, you know how he is.”

Ray chuckled, and nodded. Michael was a little fireball of rage when shit didn’t go his way. Usually, his way was like Geoff’s, and things were okay, but obviously this Vagabond fiasco wasn’t going to be okay in his book.

 

Ray looked at Gavin’s phone, and smirked. “You know, Vagabond might smash your phone if you shit talk him to someone.”

Gavin squawked, and quickly shoved his phone in his pocket, looking around nervously. Once realizing Vagabond was no where near the two, he pouted and huffed at Ray.

“Rude,” he said, “You shouldn’t scare people like that! Besides, you don’t even know him. Just cause you think he’s okay, doesn’t mean he is. We’ve barely even known him for a day. So don’t say things you don’t mean, you bloke.”

Ray just laughed, and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. What Gavin said was true though, Ray barely knew Vagabond. Who knows what was going through the mind of a psychopath. Maybe he was just playing it cool, but really was going to stab Ray in his sleep later on.

He shook the thought off, not wanting to think of it.

 

Time passed, Gavin resumed whatever he was doing before on his laptop, Ray began playing on his 3DS once again. Michael had come in during that time, ruffling Gavin’s hair before heading off to their room. Gavin smiled warmly as he resumed work, and Ray just mentally gagged at the cuteness.

Ray looked up from his game just in time to see Vagabond come over. Gavin got tense immediately, opening some file to cover up whatever he was doing, and eyed the man with caution. But, Vagabond just stared at Ray, and dropped a notebook on his lap.

 

Pink, sparkly, and with three kitten stickers on it. At the top, were the words Exchange Diary.

 

Ray burst out into laughter, clutching his stomach. Gavin stared at the notebook in confusion, looking back and forth between Ray and Vagabond.

“Thanks buddy,” Ray said through the laughter, holding the book up, “I’ll totally read whatever you wrote in it and reply ASAP.”

Vagabond nodded, and left the duo.

“Ray, what the ever living fuck just happened?!” Gavin asked, as Ray held the notebook in his hands, examining it, “Why did he give you that… that thing?!”

“It’s a thing,” he said, standing up, “I’ll tell you about it later. I gotta reply back to my new diary buddy.”

 

Ray headed to his room, and sat at his desk, trying to find the pink pen he kept as a joke. He had no reason to use it, until now. Once he did find it, he opened the notebook and begun to read.

**Hope there are enough kittens on it. Didn’t know how many you wanted.**

Ray laughed, he was happy with the amount of stickers, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t add more as time passed. He continued to read with a smile now on his face.

**I honestly don’t know if you truly meant that we would have an exchange diary, but I went out and bought this anyways. So it’s up to you if you wish to actually go through with this.**

_I’m going all out with this shit_ , just you watch, Ray thought, continuing.

**I guess I’ll apologize for earlier. I didn’t mean to threaten everyone. I just stated the truth, I guess. It didn’t really mean anything, for now, I guess.**

A psychopath is apologizing for threatening people, Ray couldn’t help but laugh again. _This guy is weird. I like it._

**So uh, I guess that’s it. Oh, actually, you can call me Ryan. I asked Geoff to address me as Vagabond to everyone, but since we’re starting this thing, I guess it’s okay if you call me Ryan. Nice to meet you, BrownMan, or whatever your real name is.**

 

And that was it. Ray hummed, thinking of what he should write down. Who knew this insane, psychopathic man was… actually human. Not only that, but he was super fucking awkward. It was great. Something only Ray knew for now.

He begun to write down his reply.

  
**My name is Ray, and we’re totes gonna bond over this shit.**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse as to why this happened. I just liked the idea of exchange diaries. Also, dorky Ryan is the best, just so you know. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	3. Diary Buddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have no idea how to explain this without spoiling anything, but let's just say most of the guys in this story have issues that will be talked about in the future. We see a little bit of how Ray handles one issue, and how I'm just a huge nerd about friendship and how much I love it.
> 
> Also, I'll try to update this regularly, but I'm not so sure how things will work out. So please understand, and thank you so much for reading!!

Ray stared at what he had just written. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. Just average. He sighed, leaning back in his chair. To be honest, Vagabond-

"... His name is Ryan," Ray muttered to himself, looking out the window, "Not Vagabond. But Ryan."

He grinned, and began to write once more. When he finished, it was already one in the afternoon. He had just spent two hours writing a reply for someone he barely even knew.

He looked at the notebook, rereading his reply.

 

  
**My name is Ray, and we’re totes gonna bond over this shit.**

**Also holy shit, your name is Ryan? How does the notorious Vagabond have a simple name like Ryan, that's weird man. I thought it'd be super cool, like Xavier or Richard.**

~~**Your skull mask makes you look like a Richard.** ~~

**As for the notebook, it's lacking kitten stickers. Don't worry, I got it covered. This notebook will have so many fucking stickers and it'll make us the coolest ~~kids guys gangsters~~ dudes on the block. But other than that, it's perfect. Where the fuck did you even buy this? Actually, how the fuck did you buy this? Did you wear your skull mask and buy it? Or did you become some normal dude and buy it for your "friend".**

**And about earlier, I'm not completely okay with it, but it's in the past. ~~But you should be more considerate~~**

**You do you. Just don't piss Michael off, I guess. He isn't a bad guy or anything, it's just hard for him to get use to people.**

**But yeah. That's it for now.**

**Ray <3**

 

What a cheesy piece of shit this was. But, then again, this was an exchange diary. It was going to be the ultimate cheesiest shit ever.

Ray closed the notebook, and sat there for a bit. He took the red baseball cap out, and placed it on his head, tilting it down to cover his eyes. Leave it to him to just go for it and write everything in a pink pen. There were so many mistakes and it looked nothing like Vagabond's, or Ryan's. Speaking of, Ryan had really good handwriting, that was impressive. Maybe he should ask him to help him with his own writing skills...

Ray sat up, the hat flying off his head into the wall, and landing on the desk beside the notebook.

_What the fuck was he doing._

* * *

 

He came out of his room, notebook left on his desk, hat hidden back in his drawer. Where the fuck was Ryan? He had a notebook to deliver. His best bet was the living room (he was going there quite often today), but when he arrived, only Gavin was around, still reading whatever was on the laptop.

 

That was never good.

 

He kicked the back of the couch once more, and again Gavin jumped, squawking in the process. When he looked at Ray though, he frowned, angry.

"XRay, what the fuck! Once was okay, but the second time is just bloody rude," Gavin said, as he leaned back into the cushion, "What if I dropped my laptop?"

"We went over that, I'm not interested in repeating myself," Ray said, leaning on the couch itself. Gavin huffed, before going back to reading.

 

Ray kicked the couch again.

" _Not_ gonna fall for it again," the Brit said.

"It's your warning kick," Ray replied, and Gavin looked back up at Ray, glaring.

"I won't get carried away, I promise," he said, with a sharp edge in his voice, "Besides, it's important. It's about Vagabond."

 _Ryan_ , Ray reminded himself in his head. He shrugged at Gavin though, and scratched the back of his head.

 

"Either way, have you eaten yet? I'm fucking starving," Ray began, heading in the kitchen, "Where the fuck are the chips?"

"Cabinet to the far right, behind the spices," Gavin said, "Bring a bag for me, I'm hungry too."

 

Ray grabbed two bags of chips, and made his way back to Gavin. Settling down beside him, he closed the Brit's laptop, earning him a cry of protest. Unfazed, he shoved the bag in Gavin's lap.

"Eat first, then work. You should never function on an empty stomach," Ray said, and Gavin scoffed at him. But, the laptop was not reopened, and the two men ate in silence.

 

"Where's Geoff?" Ray asked.

"Dunno. He and Jack probably are discussing things about Vagabond," Gavin replied.

"Michael?"

"Still in our room."

"And Ryan?"

 

"... Who?" Gavin asked, looking at Ray suspiciously.

 

_Fuck._

 

"That reminds me! XRay, what the fuck is up with notebook? Why did you get it from Vagabond?"

 

_Double Fuck._

 

Ray sighed, and tapped his foot, trying to figure out how he should go about this. In the end, he just shoved a huge handful of chips into his mouth, and got up.

"Oi, XRay! What the fuck," Gavin began, as Ray made his speedy retreat to his room. How the fuck would he be able to explain that he had learned of Vagabond's true name via the pink sparkly notebook that was their exchange diary? Hell, it didn't even make sense to Ray.

He looked back to see Gavin up and after him, and he was about to go into a full sprint before running into the wall. At least, he thought it was a wall, until he looked up to find a black skull staring down at him.

 _Fuck me right in the ass dry_ , Ray thought, as he took a step back. Ryan’s head tilted slightly, as if asking Ray what he was doing, before looking forward to see Gavin frozen right behind the two.

“Sup Vagabond,” Ray said, trying to act calm despite wishing the worst to occur to him to ease this pain, “Glad I found you, I gotta give you the notebook. Wait right here, with Freebird, you two could bond or something!”

He turned to go into his room, when Ryan pulled on the hood of his jacket to pull him back. Ray looked back at him, confused. Ryan took out a piece of paper, and began writing down something.

 

When he was done, he held it up for Ray to see, but Gavin had approached to see what was written as well, looking over Ray’s shoulder.

 

**I thought I told you to call me Ryan.**

 

 _Well, you did, but I didn’t know if you wanted Gavin here to know_ , Ray thought, wanting to scowl at Ryan. But, before he could say anything, Gavin squawked.

“ _He’s_ Ryan?!” he asked, failing his arms slightly, “XRay, how’d you know?!!”

Ray sighed, deciding that he would just go with whatever came out of his fucking mouth.

 

“Ryan is my diary buddy.”

 

Gavin stared at him in awe. Ryan crossed his arms, eyeing (or not, skull mask doesn’t help) Ray. Ray shrugged, and went into his room, leaving the two behind to assess what had just happened. Once inside, he wanted to take a hammer and just jam it into his brain. Fuck him and his big mouth.

He returned, notebook in hand, to Gavin bombarding Ryan with questions. The man stood there, just staring (or not, to be honest Ray was getting annoyed again at the thought of not knowing whether or not Ryan was looking at you or not) back at Gavin.

“So you don’t talk, and you communicate with notes, but how do you communicate outside? Do you still wear your skull mask? Or do you take on a completely different persona and become some sort of person to blend it? Or, do you-” Gavin was cut off by Ray waving the notebook in front of his face. 

“Chill, you’re gonna kill him with your big mouth,” Ray said, handing it to Ryan, “I expect a reply ASAP. It’s crucial for our relationship to blossom.”

Ryan took the notebook, and turned around, heading off to his room. Ray look to Gavin, and Gavin looked at Ray.

 

“ _So_. You and Ryan,” Gavin asked, grinning. Ray punched his shoulder playfully, and chuckled.

“Hell yeah man, we’re diary buddies. You missed out when you chased your boyfriend,” Ray replied, and Gavin laughed.

* * *

 

The day progressed rather calmly after that. Gavin and Ray had loaded up the XBox to play some Halo, Ray happy he was able to pull Gavin away from the laptop. As they played, Michael came out twice, once to get a drink before going back into his room, a second time to watch Gavin and Ray play, as well as chat with the duo. He took a seat next to Gavin, and Gavin curled up to him, continuing to play (and lose) with Ray.

Geoff and Jack were no where to be found, but perhaps that was for the better. It was just a relaxing lads night of video games and the occasional odd Gavin noise. That is, until Ryan appeared behind the couch. Ray noticed him when he leaned back and looked up, similar to last time.

 

“Oh, hello again Ryan,” Ray said, causing both Gavin and Michael to look up at the man. Gavin no longer looked like a deer in headlights, but he still looked rather wary of Ryan. Michael though seemed confused, as well as irritated.

“Ryan?” he asked, glaring at the man in question. Ryan just faced his way, and nodded, as if to say hello, before holding out the notebook to Ray. He took it, and smiled.

“Thanks buddy, I’ll read it as soon as I finish the game. You wanna watch? I’m totally kicking Freebird’s ass,” Ray said, which caused Gavin to try and protest, only to be cut off by Michael.

 

“What the fuck?! Ray, what the fuck are you doing,” he begun, “What is this, why the fuck are you so… so _okay_ with this guy?! He’s a psychopath, we shouldn’t trust him!”

Ray glared at Michael, not wanting to put up with this shit so early into the night.

“Hey, _chill_ ,” Ray began, “Ryan here isn’t acting like a psychopath so far, he’s actually been pretty chill, unlike _you_. He’s my diary buddy as well, so instead of just talking shit when you don’t even know the guy, how about you try and _talk_ to him.”

Michael looked at Ray like he had just grown another head. Ray though, got up, and headed to his room, not looking back. He slammed the door when he entered, and sat at his desk. He groaned loudly.

 “ _I_ don’t even know the guy, what am I saying,” he asked himself, holding his head in his hands, “Fuck me.”

 

He sat there for a while, until he heard someone knocking on his door. He looked up, and sighed, expecting Michael and Gavin to be on the other side.

“Not now,” he said, but the knocking got louder. He groaned, and got up, opening the door.

“Listen, I’m not in the fucking mood, I got shit to do-”

He found himself staring straight into the skull mask. He jumped slightly, surprised to see the man.

“Ryan, shit, uh,” Ray began, looking everywhere except at Ryan, “Listen, I’m not done yet, but I will have your reply soon, so-”

Ryan shook his head no, and Ray stopped talking. The man pulled out a piece of paper, folded up, and handed it to Ray. Eyeing it suspiciously, Ray shrugged and took it.

“Thank, I guess. Is it part two of your entry that you forgot to write down?” Ray asked, and once again Ryan shook his head no. Ray chuckled.

“Alright then. Should I read this first, or the diary entry?”

Ryan pointed to the diary. Ray nodded, grinning.

“Sweet. Well… uh… see you around?”

Ryan nodded, and headed down the hallway. Ray watched him go, before sighing and heading back inside. Well, that was unexpected.

Now, sitting back down at his desk, Ray opened the diary, and begun reading.

 

**Nice to meet you, Ray. Also, I’m sorry my name is apparently plain to you?**

**I’m happy that my mask makes you think I’m a Richard though. That’s new, nobody ever told me that before. But, sadly, I am a Ryan. I guess you’ll have to deal with it.**

 

 _Smartass_ , Ray thought, continuing.

 

**I’m glad that the notebook is to your liking, even if it is lacking kitten stickers, but you got that covered, right? As for how I acquired this, that’s my secret for now. Perhaps you’ll learn about it later when I have to buy another notebook.**

**I understand Michael’s (I’m assuming he’s Mogar) concerns about my presence, and I don’t blame him. I can come off as… strange to others.**

 

 _No shit, it’s more than strange though_ , Ray thought, chuckling at the passage. He continued reading.

 

**But I have my reasons, and I don’t have any plans on sharing them for a while. Maybe in the future if things work out well.**

**I enjoy this. Thank you for suggesting the idea.**

**Ryan**

**Also, should I put hearts after my name as well? Is that a thing?**

Ray burst into a fit of laughter, Ryan was the ultimate dork in the diary. It was amazing, and Ray couldn’t help but think how special this was. He was getting to see the dorky side of Vagabond, known for terrifying things. It was great.

Then, Ray looked at the paper on his desk from Ryan. _Might as well_ , he thought, and unfolded the paper.

 

**Thank you, for earlier. I know how it must feel, you barely even know me, but I have my reasons for everything. For you to stick up for me was nice. Thank you.**

**Also, Mogar and Freebird introduced themselves to me as Michael and Gavin, but I already knew about Michael from your reply. I guess they took what you said seriously. Thank you for that as well, Ray.**

 

Ray grinned, and was about to refold the paper, when he stopped. Instead, he opened the drawer where his prized possession was kept, straightened the paper the best he could, and neatly tucked it away with his treasure. Why not, it was his first note that wasn’t part of the diary from Ryan. It was special, because it thanked Ray for helping Ryan. It was a nice feeling.

 

He sat back down, took his pen out, and began to write his reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love making Ryan dorky. I can't wait to share what I have planned with everyone with you all. It's going to be great!
> 
> Also, I would greatly appreciate it if you could point out flaws you see within the work. I am not very good at English, and end up making small mistakes sometimes. If you see those mistakes, feel free to point them out! It makes me very happy, and helps me greatly with my English skills. <33 Thank you!!


	4. Early Riser, Family Breakfast, and Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, chapter four. I'm so happy so many of you are enjoying the fic, reading all of your comments has made me so happy!! You are all very kind, and I thank you all very much! I also am very happy with the help I have received, and I thank you so very much for that!! I do hope I continue to make everyone happy!! <33
> 
> As for this chapter, some bonding within the Fake AH Crew, and more Ray interacts with everyone and we learn a little more of how each character acts, haha. I really hope you enjoy this chapter!!

**Ryan, buddy, putting hearts after your name is totally a thing. What are you, fifty? Dude, you gotta keep up with the times! I highly encourage the act of putting a heart after your name, it’s totally worth it.**

**Second of all, you’re welcome. Hey, if this is how I gotta unlock the great Vagabond’s backstory, I’m down. Plus, you gotta be like, level 10 to unlock my backstory. So I understand the whole secrecy deal. It's cool with me, I get it, lol**

**And… I’m glad Michael and Gavin are talking to you. It sounds hella cheesy, but like, you don’t seem as evil as they make you sound on papers. You’re pretty chill, and hell, if you wanted to kill me, you would’ve done it by now, right? And I’m still here. Nice. <3**

**So, Ryan, I literally have no idea what to write down. Like, I have a ton of questions, but I don’t know what the fuck you’ll answer, and I’m hella lazy to write it all down. So I guess I’ll just write one question down, and you answer or not? And then you write one question for me, and I’ll answer or not, depending if you answer or not. Got it?**

**That was hella confusing to read. Sorry. I suck at writing. But hey, you’re really good at writing, I mean like, your handwriting looks super nice? Why’s that? Is it part of the whole psychopath act? Gotta have super neat writing?**

**That’s it for now. I guess that’s my question: why the fuck do you write super fucking neat.**

**Look forward to your reply!!**

**Ray <3**

Ray stared at his reply, and smiled. Nice. He closed it, and got up, stretching his back before plopping down on his bed. He’d give the notebook to Ryan tomorrow morning, it was late, and Ray was pretty tired. Taking his phone out, he saw that Michael and Gavin had texted him, and he sighed. He started with Gavin’s messages.

**Vavvy** : _hey XRay, sorry abt michael, he’s got a lot on his mind._

**Vavvy** : _he talked to ryan tho, and i think thats pretty good. im proud of him_

**Vavvy** _: please dont be too mad w/him_

Ray sighed once more, and begun to read Michael’s messages.

**Moogar** : _sup, wanted to… apologize for making you mad? idk_

**Moogar** _: just, i dont want you or gav or anyone to get hurt cause this guy is psycho._

**Moogar** _: but i did talk to him. well, i talked, he just wrote stuff to reply. he’s ok_

**Moogar** _: dont mean i trust him. but i tried._

Moogar: im sorry ray. hope you can forgive me?

Ray couldn’t help but smile. It was nice to see that his friends were at least trying. Plus, Ray shouldn’t get too mad at them. He barely knew Ryan, and the two had every right to be suspicious. For him to be so easy going was a bit wrong in this situation.

But… he didn’t regret it. Especially after that thank you note from Ryan. It made him pretty happy, and he liked that he was able to help Ryan converse with his two best buds.

"I did a lot of good today," Ray said to himself, chuckling, "Gross."

He turned over onto his stomach, and reached out to where the red cap was stored. Taking it out, he put it on his head, tipping it downwards to block his view before falling asleep and dreaming of a black skull mask, and piercing blue eyes.

* * *

 

He awoke to silence. Sitting up, he took the hat off, and glared down at it.

"Giving me fucked up dreams, thanks hat," he grumbled, stowing it away in it's usual place. He rubbed his eyes, yawning loudly, before looking at the time. Five in the morning. He woke up way too early today.

Seeing as how he couldn't go back to sleep, he took the notebook and headed out his room, hoping Ryan was an early riser as well. He seemed the type.

He entered an empty living room, and sighed. _He guessed wrong_. Sitting down on the couch, placing the notebook underneath some magazines, he stared up at the ceiling.

Five minutes later, he got up and headed to the balcony. Might as well have a smoke.

 

Bare feet touched cold tile, and he shivered slightly, heading over to the railing and looking down. The scene before him was calm, lazy even, as people headed towards work and carried on with their lives. He took out a cigarette, lit it, and took a long drag from it. He held it in for a bit, before releasing the smoke into the air of Los Santos.

He didn't know how long he had been out there. When he finished the first cigarette, he started on the next, taking long drags and releasing them, a process that went on for a while.

He stopped when he heard the screen door opening behind him. He turned to face whoever had appeared, and was surprised to see Michael.

"Sup," Michael said, heading next to Ray, "You're up early."

"Woke up from a shit dream," Ray could only reply, as he watched Michael take his own cigarette out and light it. The two stood there in silence for a bit, before Michael sighed.

"Did... did you get my messages?" he asked, and Ray couldn't help but chuckle.

"Yeah, I did. I'm totally cool with it, don't worry. I'm glad you actually tried talking to Ryan," Ray replied as Michael took a drag, "What'd you even say to him?"

"I introduced myself, and told him how I don't like that he's a creepy motherfucker. He just wrote that he understands, and he's sorry, but not at the same time," Michael said, before grinning, "Then he said Gavin sucked ass at Halo, and I instantly liked him."

Both men started to laugh, their voices echoing in the air. It took a while before both calmed down, and Michael continued to speak.

 

"I still don't trust him, but like you said, he's pretty chill. I guess things aren't too bad. But just promise me that if you feel like things aren't right, you back out. I don't want to lose you, or anyone."

Ray nodded, and put his now finished cigarette in the ashtray. "Got it," he said, "I'll be extra careful dad."

Michael playfully punched Ray's shoulder, and Ray laughed. After some more small talk, Ray took went back inside, leaving Michael with a smile on their faces.

He went to the kitchen to find Geoff awake, a glass in his hand, lost in thought. "Morning boss," Ray said, breaking Geoff away from his trance. Geoff looked to him, before chuckling.

"This is new. I didn't expect the kid who can sleep through a fire to be up so early," Geoff said, as he took a swig from his cup, "What's up?"

"Nothing, just looking for Ryan," Ray began, getting a water bottle from the fridge, "You seen him around?"

"No, haven't seen him since last night. Which reminds me, he told me that you got Michael and Gavin to warm up to him. Nice going bud."

Ray just chuckled, and took a sip of his water. "I just gotta use my sweet talking skills, and boom, I make relationships blossom. I'm like Cupid, minus the bow and arrow."

"What's this about Cupid?" Jack asked, stepping into the kitchen as well, "Also, morning Geoff, Ray."

"Ray here is apparently Cupid, who makes it so stubborn kids talk to the new kid," Geoff said, and Jack tilted his head in confusion. Geoff sighed, and quickly told Jack about what Ryan told him.

"Oh! That's nice, good job Ray," Jack said, and Ray just smiled. _Thanks mom_ , he thought, taking another sip of water.

Jack quickly began making breakfast, and Geoff sat down on the couch, turning the TV on and flipping through channels like no tomorrow. Ray sat beside him, taking his phone out and browsing through news articles to see if anything interesting popped up.

Michael came back inside after a while, and after saying a good morning to Geoff, headed in the kitchen to help Jack out. Then Gavin entered some time later, settling down on the other side of Geoff and going on his laptop. Ray quickly glanced at what he was doing, and once he saw that it wasn't some document or article, he went back on his phone to mess around.

Ryan entered from the front door. Ray looked over to the man, and got up, grabbing the notebook luckily still in it's hiding spot, to head over to the masked man.

"Here you go," Ray said, holding the notebook out for him, "One fresh reply just for you."

Ryan took the notebook, and nodded. But before he could even leave off to who knows where, Ray blocked his path.

"Oh no big guy," he began, " _You're_ gonna join us for breakfast. Jack is making something with Michael and _you_ are going to be a part of this family and join the feast."

Ryan didn't protest as Ray dragged him to the couch, and pushing him down on the loveseat next to the couch Geoff and Gavin sat on. Ray took his place next to Ryan, and grinned at Geoff's raised eyebrow.

"Well, glad to see you will be joining our breakfast," Geoff said to Ryan, who begun to write down something on his paper.

**I don't need to eat now**

Geoff laughed, and Ryan began to write down once again.

~~**I don't need to eat now** ~~

**Please tell Ray I don't want food**

"Hey, I can read," Ray said, nudging Ryan with his shoulder, "And besides, just eat a little. Jack is an amazing chef, and Michael is pretty good at cooking too. Think of it as family bonding time!"

Ryan looked to Ray, and shook his head, before leaning back in the chair, arms crossed. Ray smirked, looking to Geoff who had burst into a fit of giggles.

Ray just really wanted Ryan to be apart of the group. If he could get Michael and Gavin to warm up to the guy, why not try and push it a bit? And it'd help everyone warm up to Ryan, as well as Ryan warm up to everyone.

* * *

 

Jack and Michael came out minutes later with trays filled with pancakes, eggs, and sausages, and Ray could feel his stomach cry in hunger. As the food was set on the table, immediately Gavin and Ray lunged for the food, grabbing whatever they could for themselves. Geoff calmly placed food on his plate, while Michael and Jack went back to the kitchen to grab their pre made plates, Jack calling the two lads savages when he returned.

Ryan sat there and just watched. He hadn't moved, nor grabbed any food. Instead, he watched Ray gobble his plate full of food.

Ray noticed this (hard not to when a skull man is staring at you) and looked at Ryan, then at this empty plate.

  
“Ryan, what the _fuck_ man, you gotta eat," Ray said, but it was muffled due to the food in his mouth. He began to pile pancakes and sausages on Ryan's plate, who just watched.

Michael began to laugh when Ray had stacked at least six pancakes on Ryan's plate. "Jesus Ray," he said through the laughter, "Didn't know you're Ryan's mom."

Ray just puffed his chest out, and waggled his finger at Michael. "Young man, don't you _dare_ use that tone of voice with me," Ray said, making his voice pitch higher to add effect. Everyone but Ryan laughed now, but Ray could tell he was chuckling, their shoulders were shaking.

Everyone continued to eat, except Ryan. Ray wasn't gonna push him out of his comfort zone, if he didn't wanna eat he can't force him. At least there was food on his plate for him to eat whenever he wanted. Perhaps he'd eat stowed away in his room, hidden from human eye...

Then Ryan raised the mask slightly.

It was just enough to show him mouth, the mask hanging off his nose, but Ray couldn't help but stare. To be honest, he thinks he saw Gavin staring as well.

Ryan had a strong jaw. There was a slight stubble, and he had some small scars here and there. But the thing that stood out the most was...

" _Fucking_ _face paint_? Really?!" Ray asked, watching as Ryan ate his pancakes. The man just shrugged as he continued to eat, and Ray sighed, before saying, "You're trying way to be hard to be a creepy motherfucker now. Who the hell wears face paint?!"

Ryan just grinned as he pointed to himself. And Ray couldn't help but chuckle. 

 

After their breakfast, Ryan slipped the mask back on, and headed off to his room. Ray assisted Jack with cleaning the dishes, and the two were silently cleaning until Jack chuckled.

"What," Ray asked, eyeing the bearded man.

"I haven't seen you so interested in someone before," Jack said, "You usually leave people alone unless they bother you."

Ray paused, and looked down at the his soapy hands. Jack was right. He rarely ever interacted with strangers unless they talked to him. So why was Ryan different? Why was he going out of his way to help someone he didn't even know?

"... I guess I just relate to him," Ray said, more to himself than to Jack, "And I just feel like helping someone."

Jack smiled warmly, and continued to wash the dishes. But Ray couldn't help but laugh at himself.

_That red cap was messing with him._ That dude who helped him all those years ago is making _him_ help someone. Gross.

Ray finished helping Jack, and returned to his room. Before opening the door though, he kicked something, and looked down, surprised. The notebook was now wedged under the door, and Ray cursed under his breath.  He picked it up, hoping it wasn't damaged (luckily, it wasn't), and headed inside.

Plopping down on his bed, he opened it and begun to read the newest entry from Ryan.

**I'm thirty four, for your information. Despite not "keeping up with the times" I'm not as old as you think. But I understand. I'm still questioning how a kid got in the Fake Ah Crew.**

_Dick_ , Ray thought, sneering at the notebook.

**I'm also glad you understand. Perhaps when you reach level twelve with me, I can reveal my backstory. It's a fair deal, no?**

**As for why my handwriting is neat? I just like writing neat. It isn't part of the psychopath ritual, sorry to disappoint. But, my handwriting is neat because I make it neat.**

**(By the way, it wasn't confusing for me to figure out what you had written. You just repeat yourself a lot.)**

**In all seriousness though. You've done a lot for me. You've gotten your friends to talk to me, you've talked to me despite my appearance. You even forced me to join the "family breakfast", which was a new experience for me. Never happened before. Thank you. And yes, if I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead. But you're not. It is nice, isn't it? :)**

**... I don't plan on killing anyone for now. Don't worry. It was a joke.**

**So my question for you is this: What is your opinion of me? Why did you approach me despite my reputation.**

 

**I look forward to your reply as well.**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

Ray smiled.

"The heart comes _after_ your name, stupid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's that! Hope you enjoy and talk to you all again on chapter 5!! <33


	5. Vaga-idiot's First Heist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hello again!! i am here with chapter five, the heist chapter! i do hope you look forward to what happens, it was quite fun to write it!! i won't spoil anything here, but let's just say as usual, my love for dorky ryan shows, and i'm having way too much fun with this.
> 
> as usual, any mistakes you find in this chapter, do tell me in the comments! i truly appreciate them, and it helps me get much better at english!! also, thank you so much either way for your comments!! they make me so happy and help motivate me!! we're also at 69 kudos!! (hehe) thank you so much!!
> 
> now, i do hope you enjoy the chapter!! see you at the end!

**So this took me a while to write because I have no idea how to respond. I sat here for like, hours trying to figure out what to do. But here goes nothing.**

**Ryan, I have no fucking idea why I approached you. I guess it was cause I kinda fucked up when we met? I usually say super shitty things that usually get me in huge ass trouble (ask Geoff, he has tons of fucking stories he loves to remind me about). But you didn’t try to kill me, which actually surprised me, cause like, I thought you’d shank whoever pissed you off immediately. So I just went with it. Tried to see how far I could go.**

**Now here we are, writing diary entries to each other like kids. And like, it’s not bad, doing this, helping you. I don’t know. I guess I just wanna help you? I mean, you don’t seem that bad. Hell, when you made your “joke”, it looks like you quickly scribbled down you were kidding. Like you were worried. And I don’t think any psychopath would be worried about anything after making a joke like that.**

**My opinion of you is that you’re a creepy motherfucker. But like, you’re not bad or evil. You’re just hella creepy and you seem to enjoy it? So yeah, you do you <3**

**I also hope the others understand soon. And like, maybe in the future, we can joke about how you scared the fuck out of Michael and Gavin, or how you bought a fucking sparkly, pink notebook for some shit I said.**

**Thanks Ryan <3 <3**

**SHIT!! I forgot my question for you. Uh, I don’t really got anything but… oh, actually, why facepaint? Like, out of everything you could of done underneath the mask, why the fuck are you wearing facepaint?? Please answer, this is for science.**

**Okay, now I’m done.**

 

**Actually, fuck, I’m not. Okay, so you’re 34, I’m 25. Bitch. We don't have that big of a gap. So don’t call me a kid, and I won’t call you an old man. Also, trying to oneup me with levels? That’s cold Ryan.**

**Now I’m done.**

**Ray <3**

**P.S: Put a heart after your name, like I did. That’s how you do it man.**

 

Ray shut the notebook, not wanting to further question himself as to why he wrote that. But, it was better than nothing he supposed. He got up, leaving the notebook on his desk for now, and headed out to go mess around in the kitchen.

When he entered the kitchen, he was not surprised it was empty. Huffing out a puff of air, he grabbed his bottle of Malta, and went into the living room to turn on the XBox and play something. Who fucking knew what'd he do? What he didn’t expect though, was that Ryan would be there, sitting on the couch, reading.

 

“Oh, shit, sup Ryan?” Ray began, setting his drink down on the table, “Give me a sec, I got the diary for you.”

He went back to his room, grabbed the notebook and came back to find Ryan just watching him, book put on the table as well. Ray handed the masked man the book, and he took it, looking down at it.

“Where’s everyone? Are they in their rooms or something? It’s quiet as fuck,” Ray asked, and Ryan took out his paper to write down a reply. Ray watched, appreciating Ryan’s pretty handwriting.

 

**Geoff and Jack said they wanted to go do something. Michael and Gavin are in their rooms, said they would take a nap.**

 

Ray nodded, sitting beside Ryan. “I see,” he began, “Well, guess it’s just us then, huh big guy?”

Ryan looked at him for a bit, then stood up, notebook in hand, and headed off to his room. Ray watched him go, before sighing.

“Guess it’s just me then.”

 

Ray was about an hour into playing his game before Ryan came back. He sat beside Ray, and waited for him to finish the level. Ray eyed him when he sat down, before returning his focus to the game. Once he finished, he paused it, and faced Ryan.

Ryan held up a note.

  
**Wanted to read it without distractions. Sorry.**

 

Ray just chuckled. “It’s fine,” he said, “I was just shocked because you left me. How could you Ryan? I thought what we had was special.”

He watched as Ryan’s shoulder’s shook, implicating he was chuckling as well. Ray took the notebook back from Ryan, but paused before getting up.

“Can I read it here?” he asked, and Ryan just stared down at him for a bit. Then, he began to stare at his hands, clasping them together, then separating them, as if contemplating the answer. Ray watched his fingers curl and uncurl, before shaking his head no.

  
“What? Oh my god,” Ray began, leaning forward to see the face of Ryan’s mask, “Are you serious? I can’t read it here?”

Ryan took out a paper, and quickly scribbled down something. He held it up to Ray without facing the man.

  
**It’s embarrassing.**

 

Ray sat there and stared at Ryan in shock.

“Dude,” he said, “ _Really_?”

 

Ryan just crumbled the paper up and shook his head yes.

 

Ray sat there in shock. And then, he surprised himself when he began to laugh. Ryan’s head snapped up to look at Ray, obviously surprised as well.

“ _You’re_ embarrassed?!” Ray said through the laughter, “You’re seriously embarrassed at what you wrote? Oh my fucking god, what is it? What the fuck did you write man?!”

Before Ryan could write down something on another paper, a door down the hall slammed open. Both men looked over to the door, and watched Geoff walk out. He approached the two, hands on his hips, smiling.

 

“Get ready boys!” he began, and Ray knew what was coming.

 

“We’re heisting today!”

* * *

 

All six men were in the meeting room, Geoff standing in front of their white board, pictures and maps taped onto it with various pen markings on it. Ray leaned back in his chair, hands stowed away in his hoodie pockets. It’d been awhile since the last heist, and to be honest, Ray should've expected one. But for it to be this soon, and without Lindsay…

“Are you sure about this Geoff?” Michael asked, leaning on the table as he tried to read the scribbles on the map, “We don’t have Lindsay, and even if the place is small, we haven’t been out on the field in a while. What are we getting into?”

 

“Okay, solisten,” Geoff began, “I know that we don’t have Lindsay. But think of this as a trial run for Ryan! We’re gonna see what can happen with him on our side now.”

Ray looked to Ryan, who was watching Geoff intently. He sighed, though he didn't know why, and turned his attention back to Geoff.

“Jack has gone and checked the place out, and it _seems_ manageable. Like, super easy kind of manageable. Gavin can easily hack into the security database and erase footage, and we have a ton of escape routes in case shit gets bad. Plus, it’s perfect for getting back into business. I’ve got a big plan, and we’re gonna need the practice.”

Now Ray looked at Jack, who nodded. “I scoped the place out the past few days,” he said, “And I’ve routed all possible escape routes for us to take. I’ve also found a place for you Ray, it’s pretty well hidden and you won’t see faces.”

Ray nodded, grateful for Jack’s consideration. He ignored the fact that Ryan was now staring at him, and began to watch Geoff once more.

 

“So, here’s what we’ll do,” he said, as he pointed to pictures, ”Gavin, you stay in the car with Jack and wait for the signal before hacking into the database, and making sure all the video footage and all signs that we were there are deleted. Michael, you and Ryan go in and get the cash. Make sure the cashier doesn’t pull anything weird. Jack will be waiting for you two in the getaway vehicle. Ray, you do your job and eliminate anyone who tries to get in our way.”

Gavin smirked, and pointed to Geoff. “What are _you_ gonna do?”

“ _Me_? I’m watching! Gotta make sure all of my boys can work together nicely,” he replied, that shit-eating grin on his face. Ray sighed, but couldn’t help but chuckle.

_Lazy ass_ , he couldn’t help but think. Geoff continued, that grin still lingering his face.

 

“Once you get the cash, Michael, you’re gonna blow up the trashcan next to the store. Before detonating it, throw it in the street where the cops are coming from. Scare the shit out of them.”

Michael grinned, nodding. Ray could feel his excitement radiating off him despite sitting on the other side of him. Explosions were Michael's thing.

“Ray, you and Ryan are gonna shoot whatever cops decide to come after us. Ray, make sure you use the motorcycle we set up to get the fuck out of there with Ryan. We’ll all meet up at Safehouse 18."

Ray nodded, sending a wink in Ryan’s direction, just to mess with him a little. Ryan didn’t even flinch.

* * *

 

After some more explanations, as well as some questioning from Michael and Gavin, the meeting was concluded, and each man began to get ready for tonight’s heist. Ray headed into his room, and took out the case that held his pink sniper rifle. He smiled, and began to pack the necessary items.

 

He finished in no time, quickly packing up was skill he had learned in the past. So, he sat down at his desk, and decided to read Ryan’s entry.

 

**Thank you.**

**I seem to say that a lot around you, but I truly mean it. I haven’t experienced this kind of acceptance and kindness in a while. Despite your big mouth, you are a truly kind person.**

Ray mentally gagged. Him, kind? Hell no. He was a tough motherfucker. Kind isn’t a part of that image.

 

**I wish I could tell you more. But my story is something that I’m not ready to share with anyone for a bit. But one day, I do hope that I can. And I hope you will understand, as well as realize why I act like how I do. You seem to be someone who would, in my opinion.**

**I’m so happy you spoke to me like I was normal. Not like I was a psychopath, not like I was a danger, but as a human being. You actually talked to me, and I’m honestly surprised to see that you continue to do so despite my actions. And you are correct, I honestly became worried after I wrote my joke. I thought that I pushed it too far with that, and that I may have ruined our relationship with it. I’m glad you weren’t too offended with it.**

**And I do enjoy being “hella creepy”. It’s quite fun, especially when I get a good reaction from it. I do hope I continue to be “hella creepy” in the future when we share stories, so that I may freak Gavin out a bit more. The bird noises he makes are pretty funny.**

**Now, for your question, I like putting facepaint on because it’s fun. Plus, it helps give the mask more effect, nobody can really see my eyes cause I have black paint around them. It’s also fun when people get confused as fuck, and ask questions. Like you! :B**

**And a nine year age gap is quite big, don’t you think? I mean, it’s not bad per say, but that doesn’t mean I can’t call you a kid. But, I won’t dwell on it, and we’ll forget that you called me an old man. Okay? :)**

**As for levels, I just wanted to mess with you. Is this where I put a heart? I guess I will.**

**< 3**

**So, anyways, my question for you is this. Why did you pick up a sniper rifle and decide that it was going to be your main weapon? I always wondered why the infamous Brownman was a sniper, your aim is something many wish for. So, I’m curious.**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

**P.S: I like my version better. So deal with it. B)**

 

Ray wanted to laugh, howl like Geoff would at Ryan’s entry. He was embarrassed by _this_? Jesus, either that man was an _extreme_ dork, or he wasn’t sure what “embarrassing” things are. This was super fucking normal!

“Also, he uses so many fucking smiley faces, what a fucking nerd,” Ray said to himself, before shutting it close. He’d write his reply after the heist, when everything would be calmer.

 

He grabbed his stuff, and headed out.

Time to heist.

* * *

 

Ray waited up on his roof, watching the store for any irregularities. He’d seen Jack’s vehicle pull up a while ago, Michael and Ryan getting out smoothly. He also watched Michael call who he assumed to be Lindsay, and hang up looking pumped as fuck. 

_Good to know Lindsay still made Michael excited for heists even when she isn't here_ , Ray thought. 

He then began to watch Ryan.

 

The man was leaning against a wall, arms crossed. He wasn’t doing anything, staring at the ground. Ray was about to turn away, when all the sudden Ryan looked up. It was as if he were staring up at where Ray was.

_Can he see me?_

His suspicious were concluded when Ryan waved to him like a child, and if Ray knew any better, he could of sworn that underneath that mask, Ryan was smiling.

He chuckled to himself, before turning his attention back to the store.

 

In a few minutes, the buzzing noise of static reverberates in his ear. He waits, before Geoff’s voice is heard.

  
“Testing, one two three, one two three,” he begins, and Ray smirks, “Everyone hear me?”

The various yeahs answer in Ray (and probably Ryan’s) place. He can hear Geoff smile.

  
“Good. Alright, whenever Mogar and Vagabond are ready. Freebird, when you see them enter the store, get on it. Carjack, you know what to do. Brownman, you do what you do best.”

 

Ray situated himself so he could see everything through the scope of his gun. He watched Michael pull on a bear mask, and head over with Ryan to the store entrance. Ray couldn’t help but hold his breath. Michael grinned, before saying the words they all were waiting to hear.

 

_“Heist!”_

 

Michael and Ryan busted in, guns held still as they demanded the money. Michael’s voice boomed in Ray’s ear, and he couldn’t help but laugh. He sounded like he was enjoying this way more than he should be. The cashier, panicking, began to put the cash in a bag. Ray tried to see if he had any hidden weapons, and was relieved to find that there were none.

After all, he wouldn’t be able to shoot him. He’d seen his face. Ray mentally noted to be more careful, seeing as how the cops could be here soon.

A few second later, Michael headed out, putting an explosive in the trashcan and throwing it onto the street. Ryan remained in the store, gun held up to the clerk’s face. Ray watched as the money was thrown at him, and Ryan, still staring the the poor clerk who looked like he’d pass out at any moment, picked it up. He then looked to Ray’s position, held up the money, before heading out.

 

To be honest, he had _no_ idea why Ryan did that.

 

Soon, the sirens were heard. Ray looked at what direction they were coming in, and prepared himself. Soon, Jack pulled out of his hiding spot, and pulled in close to the store so Michael, who had received the money from Ryan, could get in. Ryan headed over to where the motorcycle was, and waited. Ray watched as the getaway vehicle sped away.

Now was his time to shine.

He waited until some cops came speeding down the street before giving the signal for Michael. The trashcan exploded beautifully, and cars began to spin out of control. He started to shoot, windows, tires, everything he needed to do to stall or stop the cops from getting closer. He didn’t know what Ryan was doing, nor did he care. For now, he had to wait until Geoff gave him the signal to go.

“One thousand, nine hundred sixty hour dollars baby!” he heard Michael yell, his ear drum crying in pain because of how fucking loud he was, “Totally worth it!”

“Alright, Brownman, Vagabond, get the fuck out of there,” Geoff said, and Ray only replied with a simple yes. He quickly packed up, and headed down the ladder, running to where Ryan was.

 

The man was still shooting at the directions the cops were coming at as Ray got on the motorcycle. “Ry- Vagabond!” he cried out, “Let’s go, come on!!”

Ryan shot a few more bullets, and got on behind Ray. Ray started the engine and sped off, not looking back. He heard Ryan resume shooting at the cops, and leaned forward a bit more to give Ryan a bit more elbow room. He took a sharp right turn, and then a left, a desperate move to get the cops off their backs.

Soon, there were no more sirens to be heard. He smiled.Then he began to laugh.

  
“We did it!” he cried, and cheering could be heard over the earpiece. He quickly sped off to the warehouse, the smile never fading from his lips. He hoped Ryan was smiling as well.

* * *

 

Ray pulled up by the warehouse, and sighed in relief. He turned to Ryan to say something, probably another ‘we did it’ or ‘great job buddy!’, but when he turned, he froze.

 

Ryan was clutching his shoulder, looking up at the warehouse. Blood seeped through his fingers, and he soon turned to face Ray.

“Y- _you got shot_?!” Ray yelled, grabbing Ryan’s wrist and pulling it away from the bullet hole, “Why the _fuck_ didn’t you say anything? Fuck man, when did you get shot? Shit, _fuck!!_  This is my fault, no, fuck, it’s your fault, god fuck-”

Ryan covered Ray’s mouth with his free hand, and Ray stopped. He watched as Ryan took out a paper, and shakily write something down. He held it up moments later, and Ray took a moment to calm down before reading it.

 

**I’m fine. Don’t hurt. Don’t worry.**

 

Ray got _extremely_ pissed.

“Fuck no! You got fucking shot, and you didn’t say jack shit?! What the _fuck_ Ryan, that’s not how this works,” Ray said, snatching the paper out of his hands, “This is bullshit!! Don’t worry? Don’t _fucking_ worry?! I’m _going_ to fucking worry you piece of shit, you got shot!! Yeah, okay, maybe you don’t worry about it, but _I_ sure as am will!!”

Ryan just stared down at him as Ray breathed heavily, clenching his fists, the paper in his hands crumpling up.

He didn’t know why he was so pissed, it didn’t make sense, but then again, it did.

“What if it _did_ hurt? What if you _aren’t_ fine?” Ray asked, gritting his teeth, “Fuck, Ryan, next time  say something. Or at least signal to me you were shot! I’d have taken you to Griffon’s or Caleb's, not fucking here!”

Ryan just sat there, watching Ray who now ripped the paper up. Fuck this, he was just so angry right now.

And what bothered him the most is that he didn’t understand why.

 

“I’m calling Caleb, you better be thankful he’s fucking awake, waiting for our call!! I swear to fucking god Ryan, pull this shit again and I _swear_.”

Ray didn’t know what he’d do if Ryan did this again.

He pulled up Caleb’s number on his phone, and quickly called him.

 

“Hello?” Caleb answered, “Ray? What’s up?”

“Fucking Vaga- _idiot_ got shot in the shoulder,” he said, glaring at Ryan still, “I think the bullet went through, but I’m not fucking sure. Can you come to Safehouse 18?”

“Sure,” Caleb said, his voice wavering, “And uh, I’m sorry Vagabond got shot? You sound super pissed, is everything alright?”

“Fuck no,” Ray replied, “But it’s fine. Just get over here.”

 

He hung up, and shoved his phone in his pocket. When he looked up at Ryan, the man was writing something down. Ray waited for him to finish, and then read what Ryan held up for him.

 

**I’m sorry. I will signal next time.**

 

“Fuck you. I'm not even sorry you can't write for shit right now,” Ray said, but felt much better. He got off the bike, and helped Ryan as well, “Don’t want to lose my diary buddy. Don’t pull that shit ever again.”

Ryan nodded, and Ray sighed loudly.

 

_ What did he get himself into? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're back! i hope you enjoyed reading it, it was so much fun writing this chapter. a bit longer than usual, but i couldn't help it. i just really like ray being overprotective of his friends and getting mad at them when they don't tell him they got hurt, especially when they're with him.
> 
> next chapter, some caleb!! that's exciting. oh, and in case you were wondering, geoff's codename is Kingpin! i had fun coming up with gavin, jack and geoff's codenames, because they don't really have a special nickname in games? like, they usually incorporate their name into their character. so, i just went with it! i really like Freebird for gavin, haha.
> 
> well, gotta finish up chapter six!! see you all then, thank you for reading!! <33
> 
> (oh, and if you wish to contact me, you can usually find me on my tumblr, oceanicmarina.tumblr.com! maybe send me some prompts that could act like filler chapters? that'd be so much fun!! <33)


	6. The Black Cat brings Laughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hi again!! i'm sorry i didnt post anything yesterday, it was something like a break day for me, but im back!! and let's just say, today i had enough time to read through all the comments properly and reply to each one!! i plan on doing this more often, because sadly i couldn't do it before because of school stuff, but now im free!! <33
> 
> as for the chapter, i promised caleb, and you got him <3 but i also included another character, i wonder if you can figure out who it is? 
> 
> anyways! any mistakes you find in this chapter, please tell me in the comments! and omg, we're also at 92 kudos!! such a large jump from 69, haha! thank you so much!!
> 
> well, i hope you enjoy the chapter!! see you later!! <33

When Ray entered the Safehouse, he wasn’t surprised when the others rushed over to him. Jack and Michael took Ryan off him, and Gavin pulled Ray over to the couch. He watched as Ryan was helped over to one of the spare bedrooms, somewhat in a daze, all of Gavin’s words going over his head. It wasn’t until Geoff approached him, and snapped his fingers in front of Ray’s face, that he finally snapped out of it.

“Did you call Caleb?” Geoff asked, and Ray nodded. The man sighed, and ruffled Ray’s hair, smiling sadly. “Good. You okay bud?”

Ray nodded once more. And with that, Geoff left. Gavin though, remained seated by Ray’s side. “XRay… are you okay?”

Ray looked at Gavin, and smiled.

“Yeah,” he murmured, “I’m fine Vav. Just got a bit shaken up. You know how it is. I don’t want to know that someone got hurt because I couldn’t do my job right.”

 

“But you did do your job XRay!” Gavin cried out, surprising Ray, “Accidents happen sometimes. Not everything is your fault, nobody blames you for what happened! It’s the same like back then, it’s _not_ because of you, it’s because accidents happen. Please don’t blame yourself _again_.”

Ray just stared at Gavin, who looked sincere, a different appearance from his usual upbeat, obnoxious self. He then smiled softly, before leaning back in the chair.

“Alright,” he began, “I promise I won’t. Accidents happen. I’m still pissed at Vaga-idiot though.”

“ _Vaga-what_?!” Gavin now asked, laughing slightly, “XRay, you can’t be serious! That’s absolutely the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Hey, it is what it is,” Ray said, and both men began to laugh. After some more chatting about Ryan’s ridiculous nickname (Ray honestly liked it though), Michael returned, plopping down beside Gavin. Both lads looked to him, and he sighed.

“So Vagabond-” Michael paused, smirking, before continuing, “I mean, _Ryan_ , Ryan’s gonna be okay. Jack did some small quick treatment, and examined the wound. The bullet went clean through, so we washed it up, wrapped it up. Now we gotta wait for Caleb to get here to properly treat him.”

 

Ray almost sighed in relief. _Almost_. Instead, he leaned against Gavin, and grinned.

“Good, we didn’t lose our Vaga-idiot, huh Gavin?” he asked, and Gavin burst into a fit of giggles. Michael looked at them oddly, before grinning himself.

“What the fuck?” he asked, “You’re calling him Vaga-idiot now? That’s so fucking stupid.”

Gavin and Ray looked at each other, before smiling and laughing, causing Michael to look at them like they were lunatics.

 

Once they finished their little fit of laughter, as well as explained to Michael what the whole ordeal was (he still found it stupid), a phone began to rang. Michael immediately pulled his out, and smirked.

“It’s Lindsay, wanting to facetime,” he said, and Gavin leaned on him to see the phone, “Ray, wanna get in this?”

“Fuck yeah,” Ray said, getting up so Michael could sit in the middle, Gavin and Ray leaning him to see the phone screen. Michael answered once they were situated.

“Oh! Sup nerds!” Lindsay’s voice called from the phone, and her face soon filled the screen, a wide smile on her face. Gavin smiled back just as widely, as did Michael, but all Ray could do was grin. Lindsay just laughed, and continued to speak.

“So I guess everything went alright with Vagabond! That’s good to know. So, babes, I should be home in two days, but if I get lucky, I might be able to be home tomorrow night. You better be ready for some extreme cuddle sessions either way.”

Gavin laughed, obviously overjoyed at Lindsay returning, and Ray couldn’t help but act like he was gagging, which caused everyone to laugh.

“Aw, Ray!” Lindsay began, “Feel left out?”

“Oh XRay, we can always include you in our cuddle sessions if you feel left out!” Gavin said, and Ray just rolled his eyes, grinning.

“No, that’s your thing,” Ray said, “It’s gross. You’re all gross. PDA, totally _not_ cool. There is a _minor_ here, I do not wish to see this.”

“Psh, shut up Ray, minor my ass,” Michael said, and both Gavin and Lindsay laughed. Ray just smiled, and focused back his attention to Lindsay.

 

“So, how was the trip?” he asked, and Lindsay just smirked.

“Eh,” she began, “Nothing special. Wasn’t worth my time. All of them were easy hits, and to think the employer was so worried that I’d die. What a load of crap.”

“So I take it you got paid doubled?” Michael asked, and Lindsay grinned.

“Tripled, I _may or may of not_ threatened the dude to pay more for such a shit job.”

“And the dude?” Michael asked, and Lindsay laughed.

“Probably shit his pants when he realized I was serious.”

 

Lindsay continued to ramble on about how she got everyone souvenirs, and preceded to talk about how excited she was to meet the new guy. It ended with Gavin, Michael and Lindsay exchanging I love you’s, and Lindsay telling Ray she liked him, and Ray replying with a I like you too.

Once Michael hung up, Ray stood, stretching his back before sighing.  
“Gonna go check up on Ryan,” he said, “Did Caleb come yet?”

“Probably,” Michael said, “He may of used the backdoor, since that’s where the spare bedroom is. If anything, he may of finished treating Ryan already.”  
  
“A’ight, well, see you around then,” Ray said, leaving the two on the couch to go visit his Diary Buddy.

* * *

 

When Ray got to Ryan’s room, Caleb walked out, jumping when he saw Ray right in front of him. But, he soon smiled awkwardly, and cleared his throat.

“R-Ray! Didn’t know you were here,” Caleb said, “I mean, I knew you were here, but I didn’t know you’d be, you know, right here, in front of me.”

“Uh huh,” Ray said, grinning, “Whatever. How’s the damage?”

Caleb grinned now, relaxed. “He’s gonna be fine. Wasn’t that bad of a wound. But his skull mask freaks me out, and he just kept staring at me. I don’t know, he’s weird.”

“You can say that again,” Ray murmured, and sighed, “Well, anyways, Geoff probably has your money. Go home and get some rest, thank you for tonight man.”

“Of course! Glad I could help,” Caleb said, before chuckling, “I was surprised to hear you calling me though. Usually it’s one of the others. I guess this guy really spooked you, huh?”

“Yup, he’s a son of a bitch,” Ray said, and both laughed. Caleb then took his leave, waving to Ray and wishing him a goodnight, before heading down the corridor to go find Geoff.

 

Ray stood outside the room, hand on the doorknob, unsure if he truly wished to see Ryan or not. He didn’t really know who was wrong in this situation. True, he probably overreacted to Ryan’s injury, but it wasn’t for no reason. Plus, Ryan should've told him sooner, it would’ve saved both of them time and energy.

“I guess we both fucked up,” he muttered to himself, before knocking twice, waiting a moment, and entering.

Inside, Ryan was sat up in the bed, shirtless (he wasn't as built as Ray thought, in fact, he looked a bit softer), bandages wrapped around where his wound was. He still had the fucking skull mask on. Ray sighed, and sat down on the stool near the bed, and had a brief staring contest with the empty, dark holes of the skull mask eyes.

 

“So,” Ray began, “Caleb treated you?”

Ryan nodded. Ray just sighed again, crossing his arms.

“... I guess I should apologize,” he began, “I was kind of a dick. But like I said, don’t pull that shit again. It’s not nice.”

Ryan just nodded once more, before taking a paper out and beginning to write something down. Ray watched him, glad it was his left shoulder that got shot, not his right. Soon, Ryan held up the note.

 

**I’m sorry too. I didn’t know it bothered you a lot. I will be careful.**

 

Ray nodded now, smiling. “Good,” he said, “Glad you get it.”

Ryan just crumbled the paper up, and placed in on the table. Ray watched him fidget around for a bit, before taking another paper out, and begun to write something down. Ray watched, and soon, Ryan held it up for him to read.

**Are you still calling me Vaga-idiot?**

 

Ray snorted, and burst into laughter. Ryan watched him, motionless, and waited for him to calm down. Ray wiped his eyes, and took a deep breath.

“Nah,” he begun, still chuckling somewhat, “I’m gonna stop calling you that for now. But, don’t think I didn’t tell anyone. Michael and Gavin totally know of your new nickname.”

Ryan’s shoulders slumped, and he crumpled up this paper with more force that the last. He placed the paper down, folded his arms, and stared (or possibly glared) at Ray.

Ray couldn’t help but laugh again.

 

“I’m sorry!” he cried out, his stomach in serious pain, “Couldn’t help it! I have a big mouth, I told you this shit already. But don’t worry, I’ll always call you my Diary Buddy, or even just Ryan.”

Ryan stared/glared at him for a bit more, before taking out a paper and writing down something. He held it up for Ray to see, but looked away from Ray’s face.

 

**Promise?**

 

Ray grinned. “I promise.”

And with that, Ryan put the paper down, and leaned back on the bed frame, looking up. Ray sat there for a bit more, before swaying back and forth on the stool. Soon, he cleared his throat, and Ryan looked at him.

“... So Blackcat is coming home,” he begun, “She’s the toughest girl on our team, next to Griffon of course. But I just wanted to let you know. She said she might be here tomorrow, or the day after that. Y’know, so you don’t kill her.”

Ryan nodded, but continued to stare at Ray. Ray stared back.

 

“So, you always wear your mask?”

Ryan nodded.

“Do you ever take it off?”

Ryan shook his head no.

“Can I see your face?”

 

Ryan didn’t move, nor did Ray. Both men just stared at one another, surrounded by silence. Finally, Ryan shook his head no.

“Aw man! I got excited too,” Ray said, frowning as he leaned back slightly, “I’ve seen your jaw, come on. Not fair.”

Ryan just shrugged, before looking back up at the ceiling. Ray pouted, but whatever. He stood up, shoving his hands in his pocket.

“Well, I’m gonna go now. You get some rest, alright? See you around,” Ray said, and made his way to the door. He was about to open it, when he felt something softly hit the back of his head. When he turned, Ryan was quickly scribbling something down.

Ray waited, leaning against the door. Soon, Ryan held the paper up for him to see.

 

**Will you bring the diary soon?**

 

Ray smiled. “Of course.”

 

And with that, he left the room.

* * *

 

**Dear Ryan,**

**I think that’s the first fucking time I used the whole, Dear whatever thing. Whatever. Anyways, here’s the entry you wanted. Now that we’re back home, no longer in heist mode, I can write in peace.**

**First of all, in no way am I kind. I am a strong, independent man who is not at all kind. I can be nice, but never kind. So you better remember that.**

**Second of all, like I said before, I get it. Hey, I haven’t shared much with the gang either, and I’ve been here longer. I got my treasures, my secrets, and you got yours. You don’t have to share it either if you don’t want to. I haven’t.**

**Thirdly, hell fucking yeah, I’m happy I talked to you too. Plus, you’d never ruin our relationship. I know what kind of a dorky, nerdy person you are. Your secret is safe with me though Ryan, don’t worry. <3**

**Also, good on you for realizing that Gavin’s bird noises are hilarious. You and I should totally team up to scare the shit out of him so he makes the ultimate bird noise.**

**Also, a lot of fuck you’s to all that shit. You’re totally just messing with me.**

**Now, to answer your question, I picked up the sniper rifle because it’s the easiest thing for me to do. I have good aim because I played a shit ton of video games, and I practiced. That’s it, that’s all to my “famous sniper skillz”. Hope you’re happy.**

**… In all seriousness, maybe I’ll tell you why I really picked it up. It ain’t anything special, but I don’t know.**

**Okay, so here comes the part where I get super cheesy as hell.**

**Ryan, we’ve only known each other for like, three days. But to be honest, I feel like we bonded a shit ton. Maybe it’s because of the diary, maybe it’s because we’re just communicating more that I ever have with the others, I don’t know. But I like you a ton.**

**So when I saw you shot, and you didn’t say anything… I panicked. A lot of shit happened in the past too, so it didn’t help when you said you’re fine. I don’t know. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone I know. Especially not you, I mean, who else am I going to exchange this diary with? It’s our thing, and I want to continue it for years to come. Even when we’re old men in retirement homes, and you still have the fucking skull mask on. I bet all the nurses will be super weird. Like, “Oh Mr. Ryan, wearing that silly old thing from the old days? Haha, anyways, here’s your daily porridge.”**

**We’d be awesome old dudes man. All the nurses would be on us.**

**Point is!! I don’t want you to get hurt. Especially if I’m with you. I don’t want to lose you.**

**I hope you understand.**

**Now here’s my question: PC or console? However you answer determines how our friendship goes from here on out.**

**Talk to you soon.**

**Ray <3**

* * *

 

Ray was in the living room with Gavin and Michael, all playing Mario Kart when the door was unlocked, and thrown open. None of them flinched, they knew who it was.

“Guess who’s back bitches!!” Lindsay cried out, throwing her arms out for Gavin. And, on cue, Gavin jumped into them, hugging her tightly. Michael got up and approached the two, and they all embraced each other. Ray watched from the couch, smiling.

 

“Nice to see you Linds,” Gavin said, and Lindsay grinned.

“Nice to see you too Gavvy! And you as well, babe.”

Michael just grinned, kissing her on the cheek. She chuckled, before kissing both Michael and Gavin on the cheeks. They began to talk rapidly, obviously excited now that Lindsay was home.

Ray got up, and headed into the kitchen for some quiet. Didn't want to disturb the big love reunion. Of course, he could obviously still hear the trio, but it wasn’t as loud as it was in the living room. He took out a bottle of Malta, popped it open, and began to drink, barely even listening to the conversation taking place between three excited lovers.

Ray smiled. Now that Lindsay was back, it meant the crew was now fully functional.

 

Which meant whatever big heist Geoff was planning, was going to commence soon.

 

And then Ray became worried. What heist is he planning? Where are they gonna attack? When are they going to attack. Of course, it could be months before it actually happened, but it still worried Ray that there could be a heist that could potentially endanger them all.

Would they hire anyone else for the heist? Maybe Griffon could come back into the business for this. Or maybe they’d call Kerry again. Either way…

Ray was nervous. Even if the heist wouldn’t happen anytime soon, he was extremely nervous.

 

He was so lost in thought though, that he didn’t realize Ryan had been standing next to him, watching. It was only when Ryan poked the side of Ray’s head that the man jumped, spilling Malta all over himself. He cursed under his breath, and glared up at Ryan.

The man’s shoulders were shaking, he was obviously trying hard not to laugh.

“If you weren’t injured right now,” Ray hissed, grabbing a shit ton of paper towel to wipe himself, “I would totally beat your ass right here, right now.”

Ryan took out a paper, and began to write something down. Ray took his hoodie off, and began to try and soak up whatever he could. This was his favorite one too, goddamnit Ryan.

When he looked up, Ryan held the paper out for him.

 

**I’m sorry. You were just so lost in thought. I got a bit worried.**

 

“Well, next time, don’t give me a fucking heart attack,” Ray said, hands on his hips, “Anyways what the fuck man? Shouldn’t you be in bed, like, _resting_?”

Ryan shrugged, and Ray sighed.

“Alright, well, you do you. But don’t go scaring people and making them spill drinks on themselves, alright?”

Ryan nodded, and watched Ray continue to try and rescue his poor hoodie. Then, as luck would have it, Lindsay and Gavin ran into the kitchen, hitting Ray and thus, once again, knocking the bottle of Malta onto him. 

 

Ray wanted to scream.

 

“Oh god, sorry Ray!!” Lindsay said, laughing her ass off, as Gavin looked back to the entrance of the kitchen, Michael stumbling in, grinning. Ray though, was furious.

“I cannot fucking believe-” Ray began to say, when he heard laughter.

 

Raspy, deep laughter, that shook Ray to the core. He looked behind him, and watched Ryan’s shoulders shake, clutching his stomach, skull mask looking down.

 

Ryan was laughing.

 

_Ryan could laugh._

 

Ray stared at him, all the anger from before had melted away and was replaced with shock. In fact, probably everyone was silent, just watching him.

Ryan got a piece of paper out, and scribbled down something, his laughter fading into chuckling. Ray watched, unsure what kind of emotion he was feeling now.

 

**Sorry, I couldn’t help it. Sucks to be you Ray.**

 

“No, stop, I don’t give a shit about that, but, Ryan,” Ray began, words failing him, “Holy shit man! Oh my god, _what_ , you can talk?!”

Ryan began to write once more, and then held the paper up for Ray.

 

**I can. I just decide not to. Not for now, at least.**

 

Ray just stood there, confused, angry, surprised, happy, he couldn’t fucking tell anymore. Luckily, Michael probably summed up what he felt.

“What the ever loving fuck Ryan!!” the man said, laughing himself, “So you’re just acting silent? You can actually talk?! What the fuck man, that's weird.”

 

Ryan shrugged, but Ray could tell he was smiling. Lindsay soon broke out of her trance, and laughed as well. “Jesus,” she began, “Did not expect that. Well, nice to meet you Ryan! I’m Lindsay, otherwise known as Blackcat!”

She held her hand out for him, and he took it. She shook it three times, before releasing it and punching his shoulder lightly. “I heard stories about you, but never expected you to be pretty docile! Hope we can get along!”

Ryan nodded, and looked to Ray, who continued to stare up at the masked man. After their brief staring contest, Ryan looked to Lindsay, Michael, then Gavin who was now smiling, and back to Ray. Then, he begun to write something down in a hurry.

**Are you mad at me?**

Ray read the note, and threw his hands in the air.

“I don’t fucking know!!” he cried, “I mean, I’m not, but I am?! I don’t know, I’m just fucking shocked you can talk!! I always thought you were mute, but, this is different, god…”

Ryan began to write once more as Ray watched.

 

~~**Are you mad at me?** ~~

**So you are mad.**

“No! Yes! God, fuck, _maybe_?” Ray said, running his hand through his hair. He heard Michael laughing as he pushed Lindsay and Gavin out of the room, obviously losing it from Ray’s outburst.

Ryan just stared back, before beginning to write again.

 

~~**Are you mad at me?** ~~

~~**So you are mad.** ~~

**I’m sorry?**

 

“No!! No, don’t apologize, fuck, it’s not that I am angry,” Ray began, “I’m just shocked? I don’t know, I firmly believed you were mute, and like, now I know you’re not, and I’m just fucking surprised. I don’t know.”

Ryan just watched Ray, before Ray began to chuckle.

  
“You got a nice laugh,” Ray said, and Ryan twitched, as if shocked.

Ryan just nodded, and walked out. Ray sighed, putting his hands on his hips once more, before smiling to himself. “Awkward fucker,” he murmured.

* * *

 

**Dear Ray,**

**You are extremely kind. You may not see it yourself, but every time I watch you interact with others, or interact with you myself, I can tell that deep down, you’re kind. So instead of denying it, which you may continue to do if you wish, just know that it isn’t a weakness. Kindness is hard to come by in our world, and honestly, despite what some people say, I do believe it won’t kill you if you use it right. Take it as you will.**

**I’m very glad I won’t ruin our relationship either. Other than the fact that I feel very “safe” now that my secret is safe with you, I was worried that after everything, I had truly fucked up. I was surprised when you got mad at me for getting shot, that never happens, and it just helps prove how kind you are. And after my outburst...**

**I have my reasons as to why I try not to talk, but lately, I’ve been wanting to talk to you. It’s probably because I haven’t been treated like a person in a while, and now with everyone talking to me, I’ve started wanting to be a part of that. I don’t know myself, but in these three days, you made me feel happier. Thank you.**

**I like you a lot too. You’re a very peculiar man, and I never expected it this. I don’t want to lose you either. I promise I will be more careful in the future, and that I will respect your wishes and tell you if I do get shot. I just hope you can do that same. If you are ever injured, please tell me. I will help.**

**As for nurses taking care of us, doesn’t sound too bad. I wouldn’t mind being “awesome old dudes”.**

**As for your question, I’m more of a P.C gamer. I have a feeling you’re more of Console gamer, and now I’m worried that this is the reason our relationship is soiled.**

**Hopefully not, for here is my question to you: Did you mean it when you said I have a nice laugh? It hurt when I laughed, probably because I haven’t spoken in so long, so I thought it sounded gross.**

**Talk to you soon.**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back!! how was the chapter? 
> 
> and yup!! introducing lindsay!! im so happy i could finally put her in, because lindsay is the absolute best <3  
> i kinda focused more on Ryan and Ray this chapter, but i will try to focus more on the others so you can learn their stories, as well as why Ray doesn't want people getting hurt on his watch. 
> 
> well, i hope you look forward to the next chapter!! love you!! <33
> 
> (if you wish to contact me, my tumblr is oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	7. Reassuring the Confused Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi friends!! i'm so sorry this chapter is up so late, but, here i am!!
> 
> i just wanted to say, oh my goodness!! we're at 108 kudos!! i never expected to pass 100 kudos, and so i'm so grateful to everyone who has read and loved the story!! i do hope i continue to impress, and i do hope you continue supporting the story!! <33
> 
> well, i'm going to let you read the chapter now!! enjoy!! <33

Ray sat on his bed, red cap on his head as he watched time tick by on the clock. It’d been a week since the heist, and everyone had gone on various small missions with Ryan. Geoff wanted to see who worked best with him, as well as how whoever worked with him acted. Because of this, the news was going insane, wanting to figure out why the Fake AH Crew was so active these days.

Not that any of that mattered to Ray. In fact, the only thing on his mind right now was the fact that everyone had had their turn with Ryan. Which meant only one thing.

 

Today was his turn.

 

As for the exchange diary, because Ryan was so busy, he requested that Ray not reply to him until he was done with everything. Which meant Ray could hand him the notebook after today’s mission, and they could resume their ridiculous conversations that they’d probably never be able to voice out loud.

As much as Ray wanted to look forward to it, he couldn’t. All he could think of was today, how things could play out, how it was just him and Ryan. He wouldn’t lie, he was nervous. If anything, someone on the ground (like Michael, Lindsay, even Geoff) was better suited for Ryan. In fact, he had no idea why he had to participate. He couldn’t do ground jobs, everyone knew this. He wouldn’t be able to shoot.

 

Someone could die because of him. Someone _almost_ did.

 

Ray flinched, feeling himself curl up from the memory. He promised Gavin he wouldn’t blame himself, but after what happened, it was hard not to. In fact, he couldn’t keep the promise. Ray would probably always blame himself for what happened that day, and he will never forgive himself for it.

The most he could do was be the best fucking sniper in the world, and make sure nobody ever got hurt, that they all escape alive, even if it meant he would not.

 

He snapped out of his deep thoughts when he heard two knocks on the door. At first, he was tempted to remain on the bed, to make up an excuse as to why he could not go. But, either because he was stubborn or because he wasn’t creative enough, he got up.

 

He reached for the doorknob before pausing.

“Shit, uh,” he began, “Give me a second, I’ll be out soon.”

He quickly took the red cap off, and before putting it away, examined it. Gripping it tightly, he took a deep breath, and sighed. He placed it down in the drawer, and shut it. _Here goes nothing._

He opened the door, and was greeted by a sheet of paper.

 

**What took so long? Makeup issues?**

 

He snorted, looking up at the masked man. All Ryan did was stare back down, but Ray had a feeling he had some sort of shit eating grin on his face.

“Fuck yeah man,” Ray said, beginning to head down the hall, “I just couldn’t get my mascara to stop clumping! It was a tragedy, but, here I am, all dolled up for you. Aren’t you grateful?”

Ryan wrote something down as they walked, and held it out for Ray to take and read.

 

**Extremely grateful. I’m so glad I have such a beautiful partner.**

 

Ray laughed. “You know what to say to help boost someone's self esteem, don't you,” Ray asked, before saying, “But fuck yeah, I’m _hella_ beautiful.”

They entered the living room, where Michael and Geoff resided. Geoff was the first one to look up, and smile, which only made Ray feel a bit more nervous than before.

“Well, boys, hope everything goes well today,” he said, leaning back, “I expect you back home before dinner. Jack is making a delicious pasta tonight, so you better be here to taste it.”

“Yes dad,” Ray said, grinning as Geoff threw a bottle cap at him (and missed terribly). Michael just laughed, and held his fist out for a fistbumb, which Ray returned happily. What surprised Ray though, was when Michael held it out for Ryan, who did the same.

“Don’t die on me today,” Michael said, to which Ray scoffed.

“Me, die? Come on, I’ve lived this long, there’s no way I’ll die today.”

Michael laughed at that, and waved the two off. Ray grabbed his supplies, as did Ryan, and once they were all prepared, they headed out.

* * *

 

They were going to hit a gas station. There was a small corner that was far enough for Ray to snipe without seeing any faces, and it was close enough for him to get to their escape vehicle, which was once again a motorcycle.

Ryan had drove them there, and Ray held tightly on while thinking of the plan. It was simple, get in, get out. No trouble, no worry, just a smooth, quick job. They would be home way before dinner, in fact, they should be home in a few minutes.

When they arrived, Ray quickly set up, not caring what Ryan did during these moments. When he finished, he scanned the area, and was relieved that nobody had decided to come during this time. When he looked around though, Ryan was no where to be seen.

 

_Did he already start?_

 

Ray closed his eyes, and listened carefully. It was silent, no noise whatsoever was heard. He waited five seconds, before opening his eyes.

 

A skull mask stared right back at him. Ray almost screamed, but instead yelped, covering his mouth.

Ryan now stood up straight, shoulders shaking, as he shook his head. Ray could feel the anger boiling in his stomach, and he punched Ryan’s good shoulder hard (he was a decent human being after all).

“ _Fuck you_ ,” Ray hissed, “Get the fuck in there and let’s get this over with, jesus.”

Ryan just nodded, and headed towards the station store. Ray watched through the scope of his sniper rifle, listening carefully to everything around him.

Ryan entered the store, gun held towards the cashier. He threw a bag towards the man, and Ray couldn’t help but wonder if he voiced the command to put money it, or if the cashier was just smart enough to figure it out himself.

It felt like decades had passed before Ryan got the money back. He exited, and signaled for Ray to come over. Ray did as he was told (or signaled in this case) and packed up, then rushing over to get on the bike behind Ryan.

“Cops should be here in a minute,” Ray said, “Let’s go!”

Ryan sped off, and Ray could only hold on tightly. Sirens soon filled the air, and Ray looked back to see two patrol cars speeding after them. He didn’t see any faces, so he took Ryan’s handgun and began to fire blindly behind them, praying he hit something.

He heard the pop of a tire after his fifth shot, and turned around to see the patrol car in front spin out of control, and crash into the other. Ray cheered, and went back to holding onto Ryan a bit tighter than before. He knew more might come, but as of right now, they were safe.

“Ryan!” Ray shouted over the wind, hoping the masked man could hear him, “Take a left at the next intersection, and then a sharp right!! We have a safe house set up!!”

Ryan didn’t make any notion that he had heard, which worried Ray. The next intersection would be a while, but he still wished Ryan would at least signal something to reassure Ray.

Luckily for him, Ryan had heard. He took a sharp left turn at the intersection (Ray felt like he would be thrown off) and then a sharp right (Ray almost did get thrown off). They sped down the road until Ray yelled for Ryan to stop, which he did.

Before them was a small house, shabby looking just like the ones around it. Ryan pulled up to the driveway, and Ray got off, heading towards the garage and punching in the code. When it opened, he motioned for Ryan to put the bike in, and entered the house.

Inside was nicely decorated, much different compared to the outer appearance. Ray plopped down on the sofa, sighing. If they were lucky, the cops would be off their asses in an hour. If not, they would be here for a while. But, Ray came prepared.

 

When Ryan entered, he took a seat next to Ray. Ray grinned, and grabbed his bag of supplies. He dug around for a bit, causing Ryan to look over in curiosity, and couldn’t help but laugh.  
  
“You’re gonna love this,” he said, and pulled out the exchange diary, as well as a pack of kitten stickers. He set both down on the coffee table, and smiled. “What do you think?!”

 

Ryan just stared at the items before him. Ray watched as he took out a piece of paper, and scrambled to write something down. When he finished, he held it up for Ray to see, shoulders shaking violently.

  
**You actually got more kitten stickers?!**

 

“Hey, I told you, I got it covered,” Ray said, opening the pack, “I’m totally putting this gray tabby on the corner.”

They spent probably an hour deciding where each kitten went (Ray was absolutely appalled that Ryan wanted to put the white longhaired cat on the left side, when he wanted to put it on top) and when they were done, Ray was laughing so hard that he clutched his stomach, the pain unbearable. Ryan was laughing as well, his laugh raspy and deep, and Ray couldn’t help but love how it sounded.

 

“We’re such fucking nerds,” Ray said, and Ryan just nodded, “But that’s not all I did. Open it, I wrote a reply.”

Ryan nodded again, and picked it up, opening it to the latest entry. As he read it, Ray couldn’t help but reread the reply himself.

 

**Ryan, you’re fucking weird.**

**I never said kindness was a weakness. I just don’t see myself as kind. Like I said, I’m a tough motherfucker who doesn’t got time to be kind. If I am, well, lucky you, you saw the kind side of the handsome Brownman. Be grateful <3**

**Also, I think anyone would get mad if someone got shot and didn’t say jackshit about it. I mean, come on, you’d probably get mad if I got shot and didn’t say anything. It’s human nature. Also, fuck you, I’m not kind. But dude, stop worrying, you aren’t gonna ruin our relationship. We’re in too deep, especially now after we put more kitty stickers on here.**

Ryan looked to Ray, and Ray shrugged.

“Hey, I like to plan things in advance,” he said, and Ryan shook his head, continuing to read, as did Ray.

 

**Also, how did you not feel like you were the cheesiest motherfucker in the world after writing that? Like, god, I felt myself get embarrassed from reading that. Not that it was bad or anything, it was just… I don’t know, too sincere from a psychopath like you? Then again, you aren’t really a psychopath, at least, I haven’t seen the reason why you’re called that. Anyways, I guess I’m happy you’re happy? I mean, it sucks that being treated like a human is so foreign to you, but I’m glad I’m reminding you it’s nice.**

**And don’t worry man. If I get shot, I’ll make sure the whole world knows. But, that’ll never happen, because I’m too good to get shot.**

**Dude, being awesome old dudes is going to be the best. You’ll see.**

**Also, as long as you aren’t one of those “PC Master Race” dumbasses, we’ll be fine. But, you are correct, I am a console baby and forever will be.**

**Ryan, your laugh is amazing. I don’t know, I like it a lot. So yes, I did mean it when I said you had a nice laugh. I can only hope I get to hear more of it, because dude, making you laugh is probably the best thing ever.**

 

**Now! For my question: Why are you called a psychopath? I know that this might be way too involved with your life, and if you don’t wanna answer, I get it. But, I don’t know man, I just don’t see it. What happened that made the name Vagabond so bad?**

**Hope you aren’t pissed.**

**Ray <3**

 

Ryan just sat there, staring at the words. Ray looked up at him, worried he was indeed pissed, but Ryan just shut the notebook, and leaned back on the couch. He stared up at the ceiling, and Ray watched him.

“Ryan? Dude, I’m sorry if I pissed you off, I…” Ray began, but could not continue. Things were going so well earlier, and he fucked it up. Damnit, fuck him, he couldn’t believe himself-

Ryan wrote something down, and held it up for him to read.

 

**I’m not pissed. Just wondering how I should reply. Don’t worry, I still like you.**

A laugh escaped Ray, and he smiled.

“Good,” he said, “Didn’t want to lose my diary buddy.”

Ryan didn’t say anything (he never fucking did, what was Ray thinking), and just resumed staring up at the ceiling. Ray, bored of watching him, took his phone out and began texting Michael.

  
**XRay:** _guess who finished his heist with vaga-idiot_

**Moogar:** _oh shit, howd it go?_

**XRay:** _easy as shit. we just chilling at safe house 7 to make sure we in the clear_

**Moogar:** _nice, and how was vaga-idiot?_

**XRay:** _a dick at first, but things were good after that._

Ray heard the scribbling of a pencil on paper, and smiled, resuming his conversation with Michael.

**Moogar:** _well, as far as ive seen, he likes to fuck around with you a lot_

**XRay** _**:** _ _cause he's a dick?_

**Moogar** **:** _he wrote its cause you daydream a lot_

**XRay:** _im not daydreaming!!! >:(_

**Moogar:** _he thinks you are :P_

__

Ray was about to call Ryan out for this bullshit Michael was saying, but stopped. Come to think of it, Ryan always did the unexpected when Ray was overthinking things. This heist, a week ago in the kitchen, both times Ray was off in his own world, worrying.

In fact, the one other time Ray could think of where Ryan messed with him when overthinking things was...

He laughed, and Ryan looked at him, obviously confused.

"Nothing! It's nothing," he said through the laughter, and Ryan just shrugged, resuming his writing.

Ray took a deep breath, and smiled, as he replied back to Ryan.

**XRay:** _guess thats why he started being my diary buddy_

* * *

 

Ray had been browsing the web when Ryan placed the diary on the table. It'd taken him thirty minutes, and to be honest, Ray couldn't help but stare at him.

For once, he didn't stare back.

So Ray sighed, and opened up the notebook.

**I'm not a psychopath.**

**People just called me that after a certain incident occurred.**

**I don't want to talk about it if that's fine with you. Maybe when I'm not in this mindset I've created for myself.**

 

**I'm sorry.**

 

**I'm honestly glad though, that you don't see it. I don't want anyone to see me as a psychopath, to be honest, though sometimes it is fun to act as one. Yes, my sense of humor may be a bit twisted, but I myself haven't done anything too inhumane because I wished to.**

**I'll say only this, everything I did was because of my job. All of the terror, all of the fear I created, it was because my jobs created that persona.**

**To be honest, I don’t know if it’s only a persona anymore, maybe I am a monster.**

**I wish I could share with you everything. But after years of trying, years of misunderstandings and mistakes I can’t fix, I’m afraid. I fear the day you learn everything about me, and you can only see me like a monster. There is always, and always will be, that fear, because I have seen it happen numerous times.**

**I feel as if lying is the only way we can remain as friends.**

**But at the same time, it is unfair to you, and I can’t help but feel conflicted.**

**Perhaps if I did tell you, it’d be better. You could decide if staying friend’s is worth it. If you choose to leave, though it pains me greatly, I will accept it.**

Ray stopped reading. He couldn’t read anymore, to be honest. Instead, he shut the notebook, and leaned back into the cushion of the couch. Ryan just stared at him, watching.

“... You know,” Ray began, “I haven’t told you anything about myself. I told you before, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. In fact, you don’t _ever_ have to tell me. I don’t care.”

He looked at Ryan, not sure what emotion he was feeling.

“Just stop doubting me. I said you can’t ruin this relationship we created. Come on, we put kitten stickers on a fucking sparkly notebook we’re calling an exchange diary. I think we’re the only two, full grown men in this business who have ever done something like that.”

He looked up, unsure how to continue. But, at the same time, he knew exactly what to say.

“You’ve been with us for what, a week and a half? Not one time did I ever think you were a psychopath. Like, sure, that’s your title, but I just don’t see it. And I definitely don’t think you’re a monster. So, come on man. Don’t worry so much.”

 

Ray sat up now, holding the notebook up to Ryan. “We’re diary buddies, right?”

Ryan just stared at him, before his shoulder’s slumped, and Ray could just tell he was smiling.

 

 

That was all Ray needed for an answer.

* * *

 

They returned home after two hours had passed. Ray hadn’t opened the diary again, and instead, the two men just sat in silence, enjoying the other’s presence. When they decided to go home, Ryan drove, Ray sitting behind him, holding on tightly.

When they entered the apartment, the smell of fresh tomato sauce hit Ray’s nose. He smiled, mouth watering slightly, and he entered the living room just in time to see all the plates setup for everyone. Lindsay and Gavin sat on the loveseat, showing each other something on their phones, Michael was once again assisting Jack with the food, and Geoff was reading the newspaper.

It was Michael who noticed their entrance. He smiled widely, and said in his loud, happy voice, “They’re home!”

Everyone looked up at them now, and smiles were all around the room. Ray couldn’t help but smile a bit more.

“Sup. We finished the job, no issues whatsoever,” he said, putting his stuff down next to Ryan’s, “And I’m fucking starving. Can we eat? It smells fucking delicious Jack.”

And so they did. All sat around the coffee table, eating their food, and Ray honestly felt at peace. Ryan had lifted his mask up slightly once again, and was enjoying the food as well (but was more neater compared to Gavin and Ray, who had sauce all over their mouths). If anything, Ray wished this moment would last forever.

He knew well enough it never did.

 

Geoff cleared his throat once they had finished eating. Ray wiped his mouth before giving his full attention to the man.

“Now, since Ryan has worked with each one of us, here’s the plan,” Geoff began, grinning, “You know that new, high class bank that opened downtown?”

Ray felt Ryan tense beside him, and he couldn’t help but look up at the masked man. Of course, Ray couldn’t read his expression (he had a mask on for fuck’s sake), but he did watch as Ryan’s hands closed into fists. Ray couldn’t help but become somewhat tense as well.

“We’re gonna hit it, a week from now,” Geoff continued, not noticing the two men’s actions, “It’s going to be a simple get in, get out heist. I just need Gavin to hack in, and Jack to go scout out the place, and we’re good. What’d you say, good idea?”

Ray and Ryan were the only ones who did not cheer.

* * *

 

**So I didn’t read your entry. I already told you what I thought, so I didn’t feel like reading the rest of it. It’d probably just make me upset. And I hate being upset, so fuck you.**

**Anyways, are you okay? Is there something wrong with the bank Geoff wants to hit? You got super tense, it kinda freaked me out. This isn’t a proper entry, and I’m kinda sorry, but I just wanted to communicate to you without talking. Y’know, because someone else could hear? I don’t know.**

**We’ll go back to our regular talks okay? Just tell me if you’re okay, or if something bad is going to happen. I want, no, I need to know. I promise we’ll go back to our usual conversations, okay?**

 

**… I’m here for you.**

**Ray <3**

* * *

 

**Dear Ray,**

  
**I’m not okay.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look forward to chapter 8 <3
> 
> (if you wish to contact me, my tumblr is oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	8. Will you Trust the Worried Man?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends!! so i left you at a cliffhanger last time, but, don't worry, for here I am with another chapter!! it's a bit shorter than the last two, so i do hope you can forgive me. i wanted to focus a bit more on character building, as well as reveal some things about some characters <3;
> 
> i also wanted to point out, wow, 123 kudos!! i absolutely love the number 123, so being able to publish this chapter im quite proud of despite it's shortness on the number makes me quite happy!! thank you so much for your support!! <33
> 
> well, enjoy the chapter! <3

Ray stared at the three words Ryan had wrote for him. When Ray had written his reply, and handed the notebook to Ryan, it took Ryan only fifteen minutes to reply to him. And all he wrote were the three words that haunted Ray.

 

I’m not okay.

Ray sighed, leaning back in his chair. He had entered his room not too long ago, after receiving the notebook from Ryan, and honestly, he was regretting coming in here in the first place. He should of stayed around someone, someone who was loud and can help distract him from his thoughts.

But here he was, with only his thoughts to taunt him.

Ray couldn’t take it. He got up, and went to the balcony. At least the busy noise of the city below him would help fill his mind with noise, even if it meant nothing to him.

He didn’t say anything to those in the living room. He just headed out. Nobody was outside, as he thought, and the only noise filling the air were the sounds of people and vehicles below. The cool air sent shivers down his spine, and he sighed.

He leaned on the railing, looking up at the starless sky.

“... I’m not okay,” he murmured to himself, and felt vulnerable. Weak, even.

Was this how Ryan felt at the moment?

At that thought, he couldn’t help but feel an air of melancholy surround him. He never once thought, or even saw Ryan as vulnerable or weak. In fact, he saw Ryan as strong and dependable, someone you could trust to your back with.

 

Ray was probably the weak, vulnerable one here.

 

He looked down below, the people tiny dots on the streets, the car headlights brightening the city. Everything felt so calm, despite the storm of worry filling Ray’s head. He took a deep breath in, and closed his eyes. The words echoed within his numerous times, until he heard the door behind him open.

He turned to see Ryan, skull mask pushed up so it hung off his nose, his mouth visible. The only difference though, was that there was no facepaint. Ray couldn’t help but smile.

“Didn’t have time for your usual makeup?” he asked, and Ryan just shrugged, standing next to Ray. The two stood there, listening to the sounds the city produced.

It was Ryan who made the first sound between the two of them, taking out a piece of paper and writing something down. Ray didn’t even watch, just waited for the man to hand it to him.

When Ryan finished, he looked down at Ray. Ray just took the note.

 

**Are you okay?**

“I’m fine,” Ray said, “But are _you_ okay?”

Ryan just continued to look down at Ray, before taking the paper back and writing something down. Ray now stared at Ryan’s mask, wondering what kind of face he had underneath it.

He handed the paper to Ray, disrupting his thoughts..

~~**Are you okay?** ~~

**I guess I’m fine. I just got a bit worried earlier. I’m sorry I worried you.**

Ray just stared at the paper, not sure what he should say. Ryan took this moment of silence to take out a pack of cigarettes, and put one in his mouth, lighting it and taking a long drag from it.

“You’re fine, but you’re not _okay_ , right?” Ray said just as Ryan released the smoke into the air. He put the cigarette in his mouth, biting down on it as he took the paper back, writing his reply. Ray now finally watched him write it down.

~~**Are you okay?** ~~

~~**I guess I’m fine. I just got a bit worried earlier. I’m sorry I worried you.** ~~

**I suppose.**

Ray sighed, looking once more at the empty sky.

“And I suppose this has to do with the backstory you won’t tell me.”

Ryan nodded. Ray just leaned forward on the rail a bit more.

“Do you think you’re going to be okay this heist?” Ray couldn’t help but ask.

Ryan shrugged.

“Should we tell Geoff about this?”

Ryan shook his head.

“Can I trust you?”

Ryan looked down at Ray, and Ray looked up at Ryan.

“Can I?” Ray asked once more.

Ryan just looked to the sky, taking another long drag from his cigarette. Ray already knew the answer to his question though, and looked up as well.

“I trust you,” he murmured, and Ryan released smoke into the air.

* * *

 

The days went by without Ray realizing it. Both men did not have time to write anything to the other, for they were busy preparing for their respective jobs. Today, Michael and Ray had been sent out to buy some supplies, while Ryan and Geoff had gone to the bank to investigate, Jack driving them. Lindsay vouched to stay home and assist Gavin with research on the bank, as well as see if she could get Meg or Kerry’s help as well.

 

Ray sat in the passenger seat, staring lazily out at the world passing by. Michael had been going on about what they needed to buy, as well as some other things he wished to buy for himself. Ray couldn’t focus on the words, and thus began to tone him out.

It wasn’t until the car stopped that Ray realized Michael had been staring at him.

“Dude,” he began, “Are you okay? You’ve been out of it since Geoff told us about the heist.”

Ray didn’t know what to say. He and Ryan agreed not to tell Geoff about Ryan’s worries, but perhaps if it was Michael, it would be okay to say something.

“I don’t know,” Ray began, “Just worried, I guess.”

Michael hummed, before shutting the car engine off.   
“You know,” he began, “If you don’t think we should do this heist, you should tell Geoff. I mean, I don’t know, but if you really think this is a bad idea, you should probably trust Geoff enough to tell him the issue.”

Ray didn’t know why he expected Michael to say anything else.

“It’s fine,” he said, sighing, “For now, we’ll just prepare. If I’m really bugged by it, I’ll tell Geoff, okay? I promise.”

Michael didn’t seem convinced, but nodded, and got out the car. Ray followed, shoving his hands in his pockets, following his friend into the store.

Once inside, Michael did all the talking. Ray just stared out the door, but for what reason, he doesn’t know. It took about thirty minutes for Michael’s ordered to be prepared, and when they gathered all they needed, they left paying a bit extra to make sure the clerk stayed quiet.

Then, once again in the car, Michael sped off. It was risky to be out in the open for so long, despite the fact that the cops didn’t know what the Fake AH Crew truly looked like. They had an idea, but it was always off one way or another (Gavin was so happy to see that they believed he had an average nose).

It wasn’t until a few minutes had passed, that Michael spoke up again.

“Hey,” he began, “I don’t know what’s going on in your head, or what’s bothering you so much, but if you can’t tell anyone, at least tell Ryan.”

Ray’s head snapped up to look at Michael, confused. Michael just continued to speak.

“You have a weird connection with Ryan,” Michael said, “Like, you’ve only known him for a bit, but you’re closer than any of us are to him. Plus, he doesn’t talk. If you tell him something, I highly doubt he’s going to gossip.”

If only Michael knew that the reason Ray was so worried was because of Ryan. But, he just nodded, and the drive continued without anything else said between the two.

When they arrived home, Michael told Ray to go on ahead. He did as he was told, entering the apartment to hear furious typing on a keyboard, and the flipping of pages resound throughout. He went to where the sounds were coming from, and wasn’t surprised to see a sea of papers surrounding both Lindsay and Gavin. He sighed, and watched the two for a moment.

Gavin had headphones in, typing away something on his laptop. Lindsay was reading some document, leaning against Gavin to support herself up. If Ray left the two, they probably wouldn’t move for the next five hours.

So, he cleared his throat, and kicked the couch they sat on. Lindsay yelped, but Gavin just jumped, looking up at Ray in a mixture of anger and surprise.

 

“Ray! Come on, not cool,” Lindsay said, but she smiled as she stood up, placing the documents down on the coffee table, “How are you? Where’s Michael? Didn’t you two head out?”

“He’s still getting supplies out from the car,” Ray said, “Told me to go in first. How’s research going?”

“Bloody fantastic,” Gavin said bitterly, unplugging his headphones, “This bank has a completely different system that the others. It’s being a complete bitch to figure out.”

Ray looked to Lindsay, who shrugged. “I’m researching the layout of the place. Meg sent me the floor plans for the bank, and Kerry is trying to help Gavin by hacking into the security footage.”

“How does Meg have the floor plans to the newest bank in town?” Ray asked, and Lindsay just grinned.

“Let’s say she put a few holes in some bad men,” she said.

Ray didn’t say anything more. Instead, he turned his attention back to Gavin, who was once again typing away. He approached the Brit, and shook his shoulders.  
  
“Vav,” Ray began, but Gavin didn’t pay any attention, so he tried again, louder, “Vav!”

“What, XRay?! Can you not see that I’m busy?!” Gavin lashed out, slapping Ray’s hand away. Ray took a step back, and only then did Gavin realize what he had done.

“Shit, XRay, fuck, I’m sorry,” he began, rubbing his face, “I’m sorry.”

Ray just stood there, unable to say anything. It was Lindsay who broke the silence.

“Gav, let’s go get some air, okay?” she said, helping the Brit up and leading him out to the balcony. She looked over her shoulder at Ray, and just mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ before heading out.

Ray could still feel the sting of slap linger on his hand.

* * *

 

It was late when the Gents returned.

Geoff and Jack entered first, talking about what they had learned. They passed by Ray, who was sitting on the couch, before heading into the kitchen. Ray didn’t even look up at them.

A few seconds passed before he heard someone sit beside him, as well as the scribbling of paper, and couldn’t help but smile. The paper was handed to him, and he took it, reading what was written on it.

**How was your day?**

“Fine,” he murmured, “Tiring, but fine. I forgot how stressful preparing for big heists were.”

Ryan took the paper back, and began to write once more. Ray took his glasses off, wiping his eyes. _Extremely stressful_ , he couldn’t help but reiterate to himself.

Soon, the paper was handed back, and Ray put his glasses back on.

~~**How was your day?** ~~

**We’re almost ready. Geoff found you a spot to snipe from.**

“That’s good,” he said, sighing, “Glad to know there’s a spot.”

Ray hadn’t looked up at Ryan once, but he could tell the man was watching him. Ray didn’t know if he could look up at Ryan, to be honest.

“I’m pretty tired, so I’m gonna go to bed, okay?” Ray said, standing up, “Night Ryan.”

 

He didn’t look back, and just headed into his room. Once inside, he took the red cap out, and stared down at it.

“... Why am I worried?” he asked it, “Everything will be fine. Even if Ryan was a bit shaken up earlier, he’s fine now. I should be too.”

He put it on, and laid down on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

“... But I’m not okay,” he murmured.

He took the hat off, and examined it once more.

“You know,” he began, once again talking to the hat ,”If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be in this mess. But then again, I wouldn’t _be_ in this mess. Fuck you man.”

Ray put the hat beside him now, and closed his eyes. He had no dreams to help soothe his worry.

* * *

 

The heist was tomorrow.

Gavin managed to hack into the database, as well as receive the coding to hack into security footages. With that settled, it meant they only had one thing to do. They all sat in the meeting room, Geoff standing before the whiteboard, smiling.

“So here’s the plan,” Geoff began, pointing to the layout of the building, “Ground team will be me, Michael, and Ryan. Following us for cleanup and backup will be Lindsay and Gavin. Jack, make sure you have the vehicles ready, and Ray, you know what to do.”

When that was said, Ray tuned out. He knew Geoff would just explain what the others had to do, there was no reason for him to listen. So instead, he focused down at his hands, and began to think of what could happen tomorrow.

If anything, it’d go as simple as one would hope. They get the money, they get out, richer than before. But then, there was the possibility of failure.

 

_I trust everyone_ , Ray thought, _but can I trust myself?_

Ray’s thoughts were interrupted by Ryan nudging him on the shoulder. He looked up, a bit startled, but wasn’t surprised to see the man writing down something for him. He watched, somewhat in a daze. When Ryan held the paper out for him, it took him a while to read it.

 

**You okay?**

Ray just nodded, handing it back to Ryan. He took it back, but continued to stare at Ray. The meeting felt like it lasted forever because of that.

 

When it did finish, Ray was the first one out. He went to the balcony, shutting the door with more force than he intended. He stood out in the open air, the sounds of dusk filling his head. He sighed, and walked towards the railing.

Seconds had passed before the door opened behind him. He expected it to be Ryan, or even Michael, possibly to smoke.

“XRay?” the person asked, and Ray turned around to face Gavin. This was unexpected.

“What’s up?” he asked, smiling awkwardly, “Uh, ready for tomorrow?”

Gavin nodded, but remained where he was. He looked as if he was contemplating what to do, what he could do. Ray waited for him to act first.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “For yesterday. I wasn’t in the right mindset. You know how it is, I don’t like it when things don’t go my way.”

He paused, thinking about what he said, before sighing.

“That doesn’t really excuse my shitty actions though, does it?”

Ray smiled, breathing out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding.

“It’s fine,” Ray said, “We’re all a little shitty after all. You’re just a shittier person compared to the rest of us is all.”

Gavin laughed, walking forward to stand beside Ray. The two men now faced the city, the sun set filling the sky with variants of red. They remained silent, watching the sky’s color shift as time passed, the occasional sigh escaping from Ray’s lips. Finally, Gavin spoke up.

“Don’t worry,” he began, “Geoff told me he made sure you won’t be able to see any faces. Plus, we’re smarter this time! You aren’t on ground team, I actually practiced how to shoot the gun properly, we’re ready.”

Ray looked at him questionably, and he laughed.

“Michael told me,” he began, “And to be honest, we all see it. You’re worried about something, but we don’t know what. I just hope that you aren’t beating yourself up. What happened last time wasn’t your fault, it was ours. It was mine.”

“Vav, don’t say that,” Ray said, not wanting to dwell on the memory, “Nothing can be done about it. It’s over. We have to move on.”

“You say that, but you haven’t, have you,” Gavin replied, in a tone harsher than Ray would of liked. He didn’t say anything though, and just stared out at the setting sun.

  
“We all trust you,” Gavin said, “So just trust yourself, okay?”

And with that, Gavin left the balcony. Ray leaned forward on the railing, sighing.

“Easy for you to say,” he murmured to the night sky.

* * *

 

He remembers the yelling in his ear, begging him to shoot. The fear he felt from watching his best friend on the ground, surrounded in a pool of blood. He remembers the face of the man who inflicted the pain, who looked straight at him, as if he knew that he wouldn’t shoot.

Ray remembers firing the gun, but missing. His hands won’t stop shaking, and yet his entire body feels numb. He remembers the cold, rough hands that wrapped around his throat, as he struggled to breathe, unable to see through the tears clouding his vision.

The last thing he remembered was how he wished he could see blue eyes once more, instead of dark, murderous ones.

 

He wished he was stronger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look forward to Chapter 9, for the Heist has come! <3
> 
> (Contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	9. The Liar who Cried Flee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, i am early today with this chapter!! it's mainly because i spent all day yesterday writing this, and im very busy today!! (im getting a haircut if you wished to know, hehehe)
> 
> anyways, chapter nine, the big heist! im so excited to share this with you, im so proud of this chapter, and i do hope you enjoy it! <33 and as always, thank you so much for your comments and kudos, for your support!! it helps drive me to create more, boosting my self-esteem i should say, haha. i love you all so much, thank you for inspiring me to create more!! <333
> 
> i hope you enjoy the chapter <3

Ray awoke in pain, his heart wanting to burst out of his chest, his throat dry. Sweat dripped down his forehead, mixing with the tears that fell from his eyes. He tried to breathe, but couldn’t, it pained him to do so.

He got out of bed, his body aching as well, and quickly rushed into the kitchen, glasses forgotten. Once there, he grabbed a cup, filled it with water from the sink, and drank it all in one go. His throat now burned from the coolness of the liquid.

He stood there, breathing heavily, shaking. When he looked at the clock hanging overhead, it read four thirty. It was early, the sun barely even peeking over the mountains.

Ray filled the cup with water once more, and drank it slower, trying to calm his nerves and restore his senses. His neck screamed at him, crying at the pain that Ray had come up with. He hesitantly put his own hand on his neck, and dug his nails into the skin, wanting to replace the fictional pain with something real, so he may forget the pain.

 

Then again, he knew very well the pain would _always_ be real.

 

He slammed his fist down on the countertop, biting his bottom lip tightly. Damn that memory, fuck that dream. Ray could feel tears welling up in the corner of his eyes, from frustration or from fear, Ray couldn’t tell. Instead, his head hung low, and he let a small sob escape his lips. The tears would not fall.

_He wasn’t okay._

* * *

 

Ray sat in the living room, staring out the window in a trance of sorts. Of course, his vision was slightly blurred, he hasn't gone back to his room, the fear of the memory possibly resurfacing once more strong. Only an hour had passed since he had awoken from his sleep, and so he had remained in the living room, waiting for the others to wake up.

 

He was going to be the best sniper and make sure nobody got hurt. He swore to himself after the incident, and he vowed that his life was meaningless to the others. But, who knew what would happen today? The fear consumed Ray’s mind, the fear that he’d watch one of his friends fall into a pool of red blood, their blood.

He swallowed, leaning back, his gaze still lingering on the outside scenery. He clasped his hands together, to hold them down from touching his neck, as well as to help steady himself. Why, of all times, did the memories resurface?

Was it because of today? Just like last time, it was a large heist, perhaps Ray had connected the two, thus spooking himself out like this. Or perhaps it was because he had heard Ryan say he was not okay. Ryan’s uneasiness made Ray feel the same, but worse.

 

Or was it because Ray was just weak? Unable to move on, forever lingering in their doubts.

 

Ray bit his bottom lip once more, ignoring the pain. Either way, today he had a job to do, and if he failed to do so, someone would die. He had to protect them, no matter what. It was Ray’s role.

 

It was what Ray swore to do.

 

He remained in the living room until he heard someone walking down the hallway. He turned, and found himself facing Ryan, skull mask on, wearing only pajama pants. He looked at Ray, and headed into the kitchen. Ray just turned his attention back outside, wondering if Ryan had seen through him and into his worries.

He felt the couch cushion beside him fall, and turned once more to see Ryan, sitting beside him with two glasses of water. He put one on the coffee table in front of Ray, and held the other in his hands. Ray looked at the glass before him, before looking back up at Ryan.

“Why?” he asked, trying to act like his usual, snarky self, but his voice failed him, and he sounded tiny and tired. He hated himself for it.

Ryan just shrugged though, and lifted his mask up slightly to drink his water. Ray watched him, taking in the scar that went up from his chin into the mask, as well as the small cut on the bottom lip, possibly a self inflicted bite mark.

 

Ray now sighed, and leaned back in the chair.

“I’m okay,” he lied.

Ryan just pulled his mask back down, and placed his glass on the coffee table. Ray leaned on him, head resting on his shoulder. Even though he seemed built, he wasn’t hard. In fact, he was softer than Ray thought, his cool skin nice on Ray’s cheek.

 

“I’m okay,” he lied once more, but to himself this time.

Ryan just nodded.

* * *

 

They remained that way until Geoff came in, obviously surprised to see the two, but made no comment on it. Instead, he sat down on the single couch, opening the newspaper and reading it. Ray envied his easy-going attitude.

Jack was next, saying his good mornings before heading into the kitchen, the sounds of pots and pans being shifted filling the room. Ray let his eyes droop slightly, still resting his head on Ryan’s shoulder. The man hadn’t moved at all, which Ray was grateful for.

 

He doesn’t know when he fell asleep. But he awoke once more to find Ryan gone, and his head now resting on the end of the couch. He sat up, and looked to Geoff, who was still reading his newspaper. The sound of something sizzling came from the kitchen now, and Ray felt his stomach rumble in pain.

“Where…” he began, but words failed him. Instead, Geoff answered for him.

“Ryan laid you down and went to his room,” he said, “He wanted to get ready. You should too, we’re heading out after breakfast.”

Ray nodded, and headed into his room. He put his trademark purple hoodie, some loose fitting jeans, and began to prepare his weapon. He doubled the ammo, as well as packed an extra scope, and sighed when he shut the case holding his sniper rifle. 

He looked at the red hat, still on his bed, and put it on. He tilted it downwards, pressing his hand down on his head, trying to recreate the memory he held so dear (though he would never admit it). He forced himself to smile.

 

“I’m okay,” he lied once more, before grabbing his stuff (and his glasses, almost forgot that) and heading out into the living room.

 

Once there, he set it beside all the other supplies, and took his place back on the couch. Geoff had finished reading the newspaper, now drinking a cup of coffee. Michael and Lindsay had arrived as well, both bickering about something on their phone as they stood by the kitchen. Jack called for Michael though, and after kissing Lindsay on the lips, entered to assist the man.

Ryan sat where he was before, and looked up at Ray. Ray just smiled (unsure if it looked forced or not) and sat beside him. Ryan watched him, but did nothing.

Gavin was the last to enter, laptop in one hand, typing away with the other. He sat beside Ryan, but made no notion that he acknowledged the two other men beside him. Ray didn’t say anything.

Breakfast was brought out by Jack and Michael as usual, the menu today being sausages and eggs. They set all the plates down before heading into the kitchen to grab theirs. Everyone dug in, except Ray. Instead, he poked at his food, taking a small bite out of the eggs before setting his fork down. His stomach was twisted into knots, he couldn’t swallow anything.

 

It was Geoff who spoke up about it.

“Ray, are you okay?” he asked, which caused everyone to be aware of Ray in one way or another (which Ray hated), “You haven’t eaten anything. This isn’t like you.”

 

Ray shrugged, smiling (and praying it looked natural).

“I’m not that hungry,” he said, but Geoff looked unconvinced.   
  
“You didn’t eat anything last night,” he said, “You _sure_ you’re okay?”

“I’m okay,” Ray lied, smiling, “Trust me. Just not hungry today, that’s all.”

Geoff still looked unconvinced, but nodded, continuing to eat. He ignored Ryan staring at him, and continued to pick at his food. Soon, everyone was done (Gavin vouched to eat Ray’s portion), and they all began to pack their supplies into one of the cars they were taking.

 

Ray put his sniper rifle case in when Jack came up beside him. He looked to the bearded man, who seemed worried, fidgeting with his hands.

_I hate when mom worries_ , Ray thought.

“Hey, Ray,” Jack began, “Are you sure you’re okay? You usually eat a ton, I would know, but you barely even touched your food. You sure you’re not hiding anything?”

“Nope,” Ray lied again, “I’m fine. Like I said, not hungry.”

“Well,” Jack took out five granola bars, “Here. In case you _do_ get hungry. I have more if you need, I can give them to you before the heist.”

Ray chuckled, taking the bars and putting them in his jean pockets.   
“Thanks Jack,” he said, “I mean it.”

Jack smiled now, and entered the car. Ray got in the backseat, next to Lindsay. Michael sat up front in the passenger seat, and looked back at the two, smiling.

“Who’s ready to heist?” he asked, and Lindsay laughed.

 

Ray only managed to smile.

* * *

 

When they arrived at the bank, they hid the cars in the allyways, making sure no one would pass by. Ray took his things and headed up the ladder (as well as a few more granola bars, which Jack insisted he take). Once up on the roof, he unpacked, setting everything up for today. Then, he began to watch everything down below on his scope.

Geoff and Michael were conversing amongst themselves, masks already on, Ryan standing nearby. Lindsay and Jack were talking as well, and Gavin sat on the floor, still typing on his computer. Ray wished he could pull the man away, but knew that for this heist, he needed to be on it. After all, this heist wouldn’t even begin without him and his laptop.

Ray focused his attention on Ryan, who now looked up at his spot. Ray wished he would of waved, it would of helped calm his nerves somewhat.

 

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the static fill his ear. He waited for it to cease, before hearing Geoff’s voice.

 

“Testing, one two three, one two three,” he began, “Alright. So, you know the plan. Ryan, Michael and I will bust in, get everyone on their knees and make sure anyone who tries something funny can’t. Lindsay and Gavin, you come in and stand watch. Jack, you bring up the vehicle once Gavin and I got the cash. Ryan, you’ll wait outside for the incoming cops and take them down once we start loading the car up. Ray, you pop those sons of bitches good.”

Ray chuckled, but it felt empty.

“Alright,” Geoff began, taking a deep breath in.

 

“Heist!”

 

Ray watched the trio bust in the main doors, and screaming could be heard over the comms. He heard Michael and Geoff’s shrill voices demand for everyone to get down, as well as for money to be put in the bag. He watched the entire street closely now, waiting for any sight or sound of the cops coming. They estimated earlier it would take a while, the station was far away and Gavin had disrupted communication systems within the area.

Soon, phase two began.  Lindsay and Gavin entered, masks on, and Ryan exited. He held a combat machine gun in his hands, and waited, looking down the street. Jack soon pulled up to the bank, and Ray watched as his teammates began to put bags into the back.

 

That’s when the sirens were heard. Ray positioned himself, ready to take the shot.

“Fuck!” Geoff cried, “They’re fucking earlier than expected. Damnit, _knew_ I should of taken out that banker!”

“Got you covered,” Ray murmured, shooting at the first car he saw speed down the street. It spun out of control, and crashed, hopefully killing the cops inside. He shot many more times after that, and if he missed, Ryan was there to shoot them.

“How much fucking longer are you guys going to take?!” Jack yelled into the comm, reloading.

“Almost done Carjack, keep it up Brownman, Vagabond!” Lindsay yelled back, before the sounds of gunshots were heard.

Ryan hadn’t shot anything during that time.

Ray tensed up, but didn’t stop.

 

“Status report!” Geoff cried out, and Ray’s heart began to pound.

“Mogar has been shot!” Lindsay cried, muttering a curse under her breath, “Some cops made their way in through the back! I’ve got him covered, but we need backup!”

“Roger that, Freebird, continue loading shit up, I’m gonna go help those fuckers,” Geoff said, to which Gavin replied with a ‘roger’. Ray’s mouth felt dry as he shot a cop in the head, the blood splattering on the wall.

More gunshots over the comm, as well as yelling coming from various people, before he saw Geoff carrying Michael on his back, Lindsay following. Gavin had luckily finished loading the car, and helped Geoff place Michael in.

“Drive!” he heard Geoff command Jack, and watched as the car carrying the money, Michael, and Gavin speed off. Geoff ran to the second vehicle parked in the alleyway, while Lindsay went to assist Ryan a few feet in front of her, mowing down any cop who tried to approach him. Ray resumed shooting the cops as well, praying things went well for everyone on the ground.

Geoff soon pulled up beside Ryan and Lindsay once majority of the police had been killed, and both piled in the car. “Brownman, we need you to get down here now!” he cried, and Ray grabbed his things before climbing down the ladder and running towards the vehicle.

 

He felt his foot give out, and then he hit the floor. He tumbled forward, dirt filling his mouth and knees screeching in pain, before scrambling to try and get up.

He couldn’t.

 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!_

He continued to mentally curse at himself, before screaming at the car before him.

“Go!!” he screeched, blindly shooting at the cops in front of the car before him. He heard Geoff beginning to protest, before screaming once more, “Get the fuck out of here! Go!!”

Ray watched as Geoff backed up, the windows shattering from the bullets coming from the police, and turned around, driving down the street. He heard many disoriented voices in his ear, all yelling to ask what happened, but Ray tore the earpiece out, and crushed it underneath his foot. Instead finally up on his feet, he ran.

He ran and ran, not looking to see if any cops chased after him. He heard shouting, he heard gun fire, but not once did he stop.

He rounded the corner to see a civilian on a motorcycle, stopped at a red light. Ray ran to him, and threw the poor man off, getting on the bike and speeding off. He couldn’t see, his eyes clouded, but he knew the streets well. Weaving his way in and out of traffic, he sped out of the city.

 

He prayed that no one would follow.

* * *

 

Geoff paced back and forth in the room, once again calling Ray’s cellular. Jack looked out the window, chewing on his bottom lip, his nails digging into his palms.

Michael sat still as Griffon treated him, wrapping the bandages around his wound. Lindsay sat beside the man, holding his hand, running her thumb over his knuckles. Gavin sat at her feet, hugging his knees, head ducked in his arms.

Ryan leaned against the wall, tempted to run out and find Ray.

 

“Fuck!” Geoff now cried, redialing Ray’s number, “This is my fucking fault, god damnit, I was an idiot. I should've never left, I should of stayed.”

“Geoff, Ray did the right thing,” Griffon murmured, and Ryan felt anger boiling in his stomach, “All we have to do is pray he comes home.”

“But if I stayed, he would be home already!” Geoff cried, running his hand through his hair as he held the phone back up to his ear, cursing under his breath. Griffon sighed, and resumed treating Michael.

  
  
“Did anyone check the news?” Michael said, “Maybe they’ll have a report on Ray. Like, Brownman escapes again or something.”

“Nothing will come up until six, you know that,” Jack said, his tone harsh, “It’s five. We’ll have to wait an hour before the news will talk about this shit. You know that.”

“Doesn’t fucking mean I want to check!” Michael yelled, both Lindsay and Griffon holding him down. His face was turning red, and his free hand was now a fist, “If I didn’t get shot, we wouldn’t have had to stay there longer, we would've left sooner!”

“Enough!” Geoff yelled now, the fury in his eyes evident, “Shut the fuck up before I shut you up _myself_. Yelling isn’t going to fucking help!”

 

Ryan watched everyone get a bit tenser now. He checked the time. Five o’five. Time was taunting them all at this point.

 

After ten minutes had passed, Geoff threw his phone on the floor. Gavin looked up finally, at Geoff, then to Ryan. Ryan just stared back at him.

“We have to wait,” Geoff said, rubbing his face, “We’ll have to fucking wait if the news has anything. Fuck, this is my fault, god damnit.”

“This isn’t anyone’s fault,” Gavin began, but Geoff cut him off.

“It’s my fucking fault, how many goddamn times do I have to say it?!” he yelled, “I should of fucking waited, no, I should of fucking got out and helped him! Instead, I listened to him. Fucking stupid ass mistake I made!! Now we don’t know where he is, he won’t answer anything!”

Gavin got up now, hands balled up into fists.

 

“It’s nobody’s fault!” he yelled back, “Stop blaming yourself and get over it! Ray is out there now, and we’re either going to wait for him to come home or to get the report he’s _dead_. That’s how it is Geoff, and you bloody well know it!”

Geoff now approached Gavin, grabbing the collar of his shirt.

“You take that back right _fucking_ now,” Geoff said, the fury in his voice surprising Ryan slightly, “Ray is _not_ fucking dead. There won’t be any _fucking_ report that he’s dead.”

“You don’t know that though, _do you_ ,” Gavin said, and Geoff pushed him away before punching him in the face. Griffon now held Michael down with more force, ignoring his cry of rage and pain, but could not stop Lindsay from getting up, prying Geoff away from Gavin. Ryan assisted her, grabbing Gavin and pulling the Brit away.

  
“Enough!” Lindsay cried, struggling to hold Geoff down, “Gavin, you’re going way to fucking far. I know both of you worried, I know you’re both angry, but don’t fucking take your rage out on everybody!! Calm the _fuck_ down!!”

“Well you were there Lindsay!” Gavin cried, trying to fight Ryan off, but failing, “You saw how it was! Did it look like Geoff was at fault?! No, we all heard Ray scream for you to go! It was Ray’s decision, not Geoff’s, not Michael’s, not anyones!”

“Doesn’t mean you get to be a cock sucking son of a bitch for it though!” Geoff screamed, finally breaking free of Lindsay and about to punch Gavin once more. Instead, Ryan pushed the Brit out of the way, and took the punch, flinching only slightly before he grabbed Geoff’s wrist.

“Ryan, let go of me now,” Geoff said, the venom in his voice evident.

As usual, he didn’t say anything. He didn't want to, not to him at least. He watched as Geoff’s eyes flared with even more pure rage, but before he could even make a move, both Lindsay and Jack were on him, pulling him away and holding him down. Gavin stood to the side, holding his wrist, watching the tattooed man.

 

It was a struggle of screaming, fighting, and begging before things calmed dow. Ryan looked at the time once more. Five fifty five. He rushed to the TV, turned it on and flipped to the news channel.

 

_Breaking News, The Fake AH Crew strikes Golden Industries newest bank, and slips away without any recorded evidence or proof that they were there. The notorious gang is known…_

No news on any casualties within the gang. Ryan finally breathed out air he had been holding in, and relaxed. Ray was alive.

But the question was, _where_?

 

He grabbed the keys to one of the motorcycles, ignoring everyone’s questions or protests, and headed to the garage. Once there, he revved up the engine, and was about to head off when he heard a loud cry for him to wait.

He paused, unsure why, and watched Gavin run towards him, stopping only a few feet from the bike.

 

To be honest, Ryan had no idea how he felt about Gavin’s actions. Though they were indeed true, they bothered Ryan incredibly so. In fact, he was lucky Geoff pulled a punch, because if not Geoff, he would of done Gavin in himself.

 

“Ryan, please,” he began, “Please find him. I know what I said was shit, but... if he's alive, please, find him.”

 

Ryan just nodded. He would dwell on his feelings towards Gavin’s actions later. For now, he had to find Ray, and he had to apologize. He had to promise to Ray he would never leave him behind, and he’d always protect him.

 

Ray was more than his diary buddy.

Ryan needed him.

* * *

 

Ray had stopped at the base of Mount Chiliad, standing in the middle of nowhere, the gas in the motorcycle all out. As if to taunt Ray further, there wasn’t a single light to illuminate the area, even the stars had hidden from him.

Ray looked up at the sky, and he didn’t know how he felt at the moment. True, he was happy everyone was safe, but there was an emotion within him he couldn’t quite figure out.

He was terrified when he heard Michael got shot. He was terrified when he fell, and thought his friends would die because of him. He was terrified before the heist even started, all because of a stupid memory that turned into a nightmare.

But most of all, he was terrified that he almost died.

 

_Ah_ , he thought, _that's what it was._

He was _disgusted_ with himself.

 

Here he was, telling himself that he would protect others at the cost of his life, and yet when it came down to it, he didn't want to die. It was human nature, yes, but Ray was so mad with himself.

There was also the major, big fucking fact that he screwed up, big fucking time. He almost killed three people because of his mistake. He was grateful he could fucking talk to them, let alone scream for them to go.

But he almost let them get killed, all because he tripped and fell at a crucial time.

He hated himself. He was always weak, always unable to act when he needed to. Always jeopardizing other's lives.

 

It was then that he heard the screeching of tires, and flinched, looking where the sound came from. He saw a man get off, and begin his way over to him. A skull mask covered his head.

He recognized the man, surprising himself because his thoughts were so fucking jumbled, and backed up.

 

"No," he hissed to himself, " _shit_."

Ray didn't want to be found. He had wanted to hide longer, to be alone longer. But Ryan caught up to him before he could even run the opposite direction, grabbing Ray by the arm. Ray desperately tried to shake him off, but to no avail, it was common knowledge that the bigger, buffer male would be stronger. Ray hated it.

"Let me go Ryan!" he cried, "Go home!! Why are you here, why did you come find me?!"

Ryan didn't say anything, he never did, but it irritated Ray so much. Especially now, when his thoughts were so jumbled, and yet clearer than before at the same time.

"Get the fuck away from me!! I almost killed Lindsay and Geoff, I almost killed _you_! Why did you come get me dammit, let me go!”

Ryan did not let go. Ray felt even more rage boil in the pit of his stomach.

“ _Why did you come for me_?!" he screamed.

 

Ray felt hot tears swell in his eyes, and could not stop them from falling. Finally, he let out a sob, ceasing his fight with Ryan. He stood there, looking up at the skull mask, his heart hurting.

 

"Ryan," he cried out, tears streaming down his face,

  
"I'm not okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry <3
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	10. A Warm Heart and Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!! i'm here with chapter ten, and to be honest, i'm sure you want to go ahead and start reading this, so i shall let you!! 
> 
> see you after the chapter!! <33

"I'm not okay."

 

Ray had begun to cry after he said those words, eyes shut as sobs escaped him. His heart felt much heavier than before, and he struggled to breathe with each sob. He'd been holding all this in for a while, and now releasing it, he felt so vulnerable, so weak. He was scared.

He felt Ryan's grip on his arm loosen, which made Ray become even more uneasy. Had he freaked Ryan out, had he already fucked up?

But then Ray was pulled into Ryan's arms, held in a tight hug. 

Ray buried his face in Ryan's shoulder, and hugged him back, crying even more now. Ryan just held him, stroking his back and shielding him from the world. It helped, it truly did, and Ray just allowed himself to cry in front of Ryan. It felt right, he felt as if it was okay to show this side to Ryan, especially now that he'd stayed to help Ray through this. His worries slowly faded, and he cried his heart out to Ryan.

 

And after what felt like forever, Ray pulled away, wiping his tears.

 

"I'm sorry," Ray murmured, a small hiccup leaving his lips, "I got scared. I got angry? I don't know, I just, I was so fucking dumb."

Ryan didn’t say anything, never did, but Ray continued anyways.

"I told myself that I'd protect all of you, but then I fucking tripped and almost got three of you killed. And after I told you all to go, I freaked out. What a load of bullshit, after I tell myself everyday that everyone is the bigger priority."

Ray laughed, but it was bitter and cold.

"I tell myself every fucking heist that I'm the last fucking thing people need to worry about, but then, as usual, I fuck up when it matters most, and people have to worry about me. They have to stop what they were doing because of me, and they get hurt. Today, because of my fuck up, I almost got two of my friends killed. I almost got _you_ killed."

Ray ran a hand through his hand, laughing even more. It hurt his heart.

"I’m such a fucking screw up, I don’t know _why_ -"

 

Ray was cut off by Ryan, who had put his hand over Ray’s mouth. Ray looked up at him in surprise, but did not protest. This was Ryan’s way of telling him to stop after all, he did it once before, and with that knowledge, would comply to his request for him to stay quiet.

Ryan held his hand over Ray’s mouth for a minute, before putting his hand over Ray’s eyes.

Ray didn’t move, he didn’t even breathe, and he shut his eyes tight. The hand was removed, but Ray remained still with his eyes still shut, waiting. He didn’t know exactly what he was waiting for, but he knew Ryan would do something, so why not wait and see? He trusted Ryan.

 

He felt something cover his entire head. There was pressure pressed down for a moment, as if trying to convey something once again (again?), and then it disappeared. Ray's eyes snapped open, but his view was blocked. He quickly tried to grab at it, but realized that there was a mask over his head.

 

A wave of nostalgia came over him, and he felt tears swell in his eyes. His thoughts were so jumbled up though, that he couldn’t fully comprehend his feelings, so instead, he felt what had covered him. Soon, his heart skipped a beat, and he realized what it was.

 

Ryan’s mask.

 

He couldn’t see anything, and tried to move the mask so he could see, see what Ryan looked like. He was quite desperate to be honest, trying to find the eyeholes to this stupid mask.

But, his efforts were stopped when Ryan laughed.

Ray froze, his breath hitching in his throat. He didn’t know why this happened, but every time Ryan laughed, Ray swears he feels the world stop, as if to listen in to the man as well. It confused Ray as to why, but at the same time, it made perfect sense.

After all, Ray’s heart stopped as well at the man’s laughter.

 

Ray felt Ryan’s hand wrap around his, holding it, and was led forward. He didn’t protest as he felt Ryan assist him onto something (the motorcycle, he assumed), and when heard the sound of the engine start, he grabbed tightly onto Ryan, resting his head on the man’s back. Soon, he felt the bike moving forward.

He didn’t know where they were going to go, but he trusted Ryan. He would always trust Ryan.

They drove for a while. The wind didn’t hit Ray’s face for once, but it still bothered him that he couldn't see. But perhaps that's what Ryan wanted, for him to not see or think for a bit. He realized how much Ryan was doing for him, without even voicing it. He smiled.

_Thank you_ , he thought, as they sped off to who knows where.

* * *

 

Ray heard the engine stop after a while, and Ryan separate from him. He waited for Ryan’s hand, which on cue, grabbed his, and helped him off the bike. He was then led once more by Ryan.

_Where are we,_ he couldn't help but think. He didn't really like being taken to places he didn't know, even if he trusted Ryan.

He then heard the sound of a door shutting behind him. When had they entered a house, he didn’t know (it was becoming a trend). He stood still, waiting, and then the mask was removed, carefully, as if whoever (obviously Ryan, but you never know) took it off was worried about the decision.

He flinched at the brightness of the room, but his vision quickly adjusted. He looked up.

 

He stood face to face with a man whose face he did not know.

Ray stared into piercing blue eyes, but they brought a sense of warmth to him. The man before him had a handsome face, though his nose was slightly crooked and there were scars here and there. Ray didn’t find it distracting though, no, it just helped add to his overall appearance, possibly making him more attractive. The stubble and lips he recognized though, and he felt his heart skip a beat.

 

“Ryan,” he breathed out, and the man before him smiled.

 

“Hi,” Ryan said, his voice deep and scratchy, and he smiled shyly, a small blush on his face, “Uh, haven’t… talked in a while. But hi, I guess.”

Ray laughed. He felt tears swell in his eyes as he did, and leaned forward slightly, clutching his stomach, laughing. He felt bad, but at the same time, god, he was happy. He was so fucking happy for some reason. He laughed and laughed until finally, he stood back up, looking back into Ryan’s eyes.

 

“Y-you actually talk,” Ray began, and Ryan nodded, looking quite embarrassed, “Wow. Uh, dude, nice face by the way. You look fucking great.”

Ryan blushed again, smiling some dorky, embarrassed smile, and scratched the back of his head.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice still scratchy. That’s when Ray saw Ryan looked somewhat pained, and he soon realized what toll this might take on the other.

 

“Shit, uh, don’t push yourself,” Ray said, “I bet your vocal cords hurt like a bitch.”

Ryan shook his head no, smiling properly now. Ray couldn't help but love that smile.

“Wanted… to do this,” he said, “Why not now?”

Ray chuckled, grinning to himself. _What a dorky weirdo._

“Well, uh, thank you, then,” Ray said, before looking around, “And where are we? I don't recognize this safe house.”

“It's _my_ safe house,” Ryan said, grunting, obviously trying to get used to his own voice, “Uh, go sit. I’ll get food.”

 

Ray walked forward, and found himself standing in a living room. Instead of looking back, like he should do to see where the exits were just in case, he sat down as instructed on the couch. He took this time to look around Ryan's safe house.

It was a small house, he could tell that much, but it was neatly decorated, and it felt very homely. There was a fireplace in front of the couch, as well as various small decorations on it, and Ray couldn’t help but smile at them. They were surprisingly cute, dorky as well, just like their owner. There was a hallway behind him, probably leading to the bathrooms and bedrooms. As much as he wanted to get up and check, he was pretty happy sitting on this couch.

He sighed, content with his investigation, and let himself sink into the couch cushions (surprisingly very comfy).

 

He heard some noise in the kitchen, and sat there, contemplating if he wanted to go check it out or not. Temptation got the better of him, and so he got up, and headed into the kitchen. Ryan stood by the counter, a cutting board and many apples in front of him. He walked over, and stood next to Ryan, now able to see two apples already peeled, and another in the process of being peeled.

“Why are you peeling an apple?” he asked, and Ryan looked at him questionably, checking to see if Ray was serious.

“To eat…?” the man replied, sounding confused. Ray chuckled, realizing how dumb he sounded.

“Shit, sorry, I guess that’s obvious,” he said, “Apples are cool. You got any drinks though?”

“Diet coke in the fridge,” Ryan said, clearing his throat. He still looked a bit uncomfortable, but it was to be expected, who knows how long it had been since Ryan had last spoken? Ray sighed, and opened the fridge.

 

As Ryan had said, there was a lot of diet coke inside (Ray was honestly scared at the amount). He was more of a regular coke fan though, so he settled for one of the water bottles he found on the side. He let the fridge close on it’s on, taking his place back at Ryan’s side.

“You can communicate with paper if your throat hurts too much, okay?” Ray said, and Ryan nodded, “Don’t want you to push yourself too much. Besides, I like our wordless conversations.”

“You don’t like talking to me?” Ryan asked, and Ray laughed.

“No, it’s not that, I just don't want you to push yourself. It must hurt like a bitch, huh?"

Ryan nodded, but looked somewhat disappointed. Ray felt bad, he didn't mean to hurt Ryan's feelings.

"If you want to talk though, you can. I'm not stopping you,” he said, "I just hope when you get tired, you can write me little notes again."

Ryan smiled now, and Ray couldn't help but feel relieved.

“We can continue that then,” Ryan murmured, “The exchange diary as well, if that's fine with you.”

“Fuck yeah, we better continue that shit,” Ray said, and Ryan smiled even more.

 

After Ryan cut the apples up into many slices, both men sat down on the couch and began to eat. The apples were actually pretty tasty, and Ray enjoying the small snack. He also ate the granola bars Jack had handed him earlier, sharing maybe one or two of the ten he got with Ryan. ("I'm fucking hungry man!")

Then, Ryan’s phone began to buzz, and Ray jumped.

“Shit!” Ray hissed, taking his own phone out, the screen showing all the missed calls and texts, “Fuck, I forgot about that, shit, they're all going to be fucking pissed, what do I do?! God damnit, fuck, uh…”

Ryan chuckled, and Ray couldn’t help but blush, embarrassed.

“It’s fine,” the man beside him said, “I understand. I'll pick up, okay?”

Ray nodded, and watched Ryan answer the call, putting the phone on speaker.

 

“Ryan?! Jesus fucking christ, where the fuck are you?!” Geoff’s voice rang from the phone, and Ray held his breath, “We called over and over, fuck you!! I got so fucking worried, fuck…”

“Ryan, you motherfucker, did you find Ray?!!” Michael now yelled, and Geoff made a sound of protest as Michael continued, “Where the fuck are you?! I’m going to fucking get out there if you haven’t found him yet, I swear to _god_ -”

“For fucks sake Michael,” Geoff now said, “You can’t do _shit_ right now, sit the fuck down.”

 

“Guys?” Ray finally said, and the line got quiet. He bit his bottom lip, worried he may of fucked up for good this time, that the crew didn't want to talk to him. But, he heard Geoff’s laughter, and all those worries disappeared.

 

“Ray?! Ray, oh thank fucking god, it’s you, I never thought I’d be so fucking happy to hear you, you cock sucker,” Geoff cried, and he couldn’t help but smile, “Where the fuck were you?! I called you so many fucking times, we all did! I’m so sorry, jesus fuck, I-”

“Geoff, it’s fine, I’m sorry,” Ray said, “I got away but I ran out of gas and was stranded. I’m lucky Ryan found me, if he didn’t I-”

“Shit, give me a second,” Geoff said, and he must of put the phone on speaker, because soon he heard everyone’s voice.

 

“XRay?! XRay, is it really you?!” Gavin cried, and Ray laughed.

“Ray, you motherfucker, I swear to fucking god, don’t you _ever_ pull this bullshit again,” Michael now said, and he heard Lindsay’s laughter, but Ray thought it sounded pained, like she had been crying. He felt bad, but said nothing, wanting for everyone to get what they wanted to say out of their systems.

They all said one thing or another, but they all warmed Ray's heart, and all he could do was hold in his tears as he imagined how hard it must of been for everyone.

 

“Ray? Ray, are you still there?” Geoff asked, and Ray nodded, before realizing they couldn't see that and saying ‘yes’.

“Where the fuck are you two,” Geoff now said, “It’s super fucking late. Why aren’t you home yet?”

“Uh…” Ray began, looking to Ryan, who smiled, shrugging, “Ryan... took me to a safehouse, he got me food and shit. I was hungry, and I ate all the granola bars. Sorry Jack.”

He heard Jack laugh, and smiled.

“Alright, well, get home soon you fucker,” Geoff said, “We miss you.”

“I miss you guys too, and I’m so sorry,” Ray replied, to which Geoff laughed.

“It’s fine. I'm glad you're safe. Just come home,” he said, and Ray smiled.

“Yeah, I will. See you soon.”

 

The line clicked, and Ray sighed, leaning back. He caused so much shit for everyone despite not wanting too. What a mess. He wiped his face, trying his best not to cry like a baby in front of Ryan.

Ryan beside him laughed, and he looked over, confused. The man shook his head, and took a bite out of an apple slice.

 

“You got a nice family,” he said.

“Y'know, they’re your family too,” Ray replied, and Ryan just smiled.

* * *

 

It was past ten when Ray and Ryan returned.

They entered the apartment, and were surprised to find almost everyone crashed in the living room. They had expected (and somewhat hoped) the crew would go to bed, but of course, instead of going to their _rooms_ to sleep, everyone was here.

Michael, Lindsay and Gavin were all over each other, taking up the entire sofa, while Geoff slept on the single couch, newspaper over his face. Jack was no where to be seen, probably in his room asleep, the only smart one in the building.

Ray and Ryan looked at one another, and smiled, trying their best to hold in their laughter. They headed out onto the balcony, to enjoy the night a bit more before heading to bed.

 

Instead of the starless sky Ray had seen before, the sky was now filled with light.

Ray looked up in awe, he had always had a soft spot for the stars, he loved seeing them shine, especially this brightly. When he was on the streets, they had been his only companion as well, so in the end, he felt like he owed them for those nights where he felt lost.

“Wish I knew constellations,” Ray murmured, and Ryan looked at him, eyebrow raised, amused. Ray smiled, and said, “I like stars, alright? They’re pretty.”

Ryan soon smiled as well, and nodded.

“I agree,” he said, and Ray couldn’t help but notice how much better he sounded, how much more natural speaking was becoming for Ryan. He smiled even more at that. _He_ didn't mind talking to Ryan, in fact, Ray loved it. 

 

“Today was pretty rough, huh,” Ray now said, “I’m still sorry. About earlier, my outburst, my fuckup, everything. I didn’t mean for it to become so… dramatic, I guess.”

“Don’t,” Ryan began, “It’s fine. It’s who you are. I don’t think you were dramatic. You acted human, and I think that’s good.”

“You think it’s good?” Ray asked, intrigued.

“I do,” Ryan replied, “Because it means you’re alive. That you have a soul.”

“And what does that have to do with anything?”

“It means I’m not friends with an emotionless freak.”

“I’m so fucking lost now.”

 

Ryan laughed, looking down at the city below.

“I feel like you try to hide everything from the world,” Ryan began, “You never try to show your true emotions. You put of this strong facade, act like nothing can hurt you, and you lie to make sure everyone believes it. _I_ believed it for a while.”

“Well, what made you realize it _was_ a facade,” Ray began, before quickly adding in, “which is total bullshit, I’m not fucking facading or whatever.”

Ryan sighed, looking at Ray with a soft smile. Ray felt his heart pound, but he didn't know why.

“Y’know you don’t have to act like that with me,” Ryan said, and Ray shrugged, playing it off, but the words had moved him greatly. Not that he’d ever show it.

Ryan sighed, but still smiled.

“I realized it from our diary entries," he said, "I always pointed out you were kind. And then after I told you I wasn’t okay, you became worried about me. Which led to you becoming worried about everything.”

 

He then paused, looking quite serious.

“It’s my fault this occurred,” he began, “I’m _so_ sorry Ray. I shouldn’t of said anything.”

“Ryan, don’t say that,” Ray began, “Jesus. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I overthink things sometimes, and this time it got out of hand. Don’t blame yourself for my mistakes.”

Ryan was silent, and Ray nudged his shoulder, smiling.

“Besides, I got to see your face because of all this,” he began, “And you’re fucking handsome. I bet everyone will flip their shit when they see you tomorrow.”

 

Ryan soon had a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Maybe I should wear the skull mask, and then casually take it off when watching TV or something,” he said, “Or, even better, I’ll put the mask on the table tonight, and walk in as if that should be there. It’ll freak Gavin out.”

“Dude, _fuck_ yeah,” Ray said, “I’ll totally assist. We’ll just act super fucking natural too, make it act like your face isn’t a huge mystery or some shit.”

“Maybe for added effect, I’ll act appalled at the fact that they’re so shocked at my face,” Ryan said, and both laughed so hard, Ray could swear his stomach was going to burst. 

 

Once they calmed down, they stared out at the city.

“... And I got to hear your voice,” Ray murmured, but more to himself than to Ryan, “And it’s pretty nice. I could listen to it forever. Uh, no homo though.”

Ryan looked at him, grinning.

“ _Really_?” he asked, “That sounded pretty homo in my opinion.”

“Dude, to be honest, we’re _all_ a little homo,” Ray said, shrugging, “But seriously, I mean it. I like your voice. Your laugh is nice, and hearing you talk is hella nice. I wouldn’t lie to my diary buddy, and even then, I wouldn't lie to you.”

“You mean it?” Ryan asked, and Ray nodded. They were quiet for a bit, before Ryan scratched the back of his head, blushing.

“... We’re being pretty homo right now,” Ryan said, and Ray couldn’t help but laugh.

“We are, but hey,” Ray said, “At least I’m honest.”

 

They remained out there for a few more minutes, before Ray yawned.   
  
“Tired?” Ryan asked.

“I’m surprised _you_ aren’t,” Ray said, nodding, “We had a huge ass heist, and you had to come look for me, _and_ deal with me being a little bitch. How aren’t you tired?”

 

Ryan shrugged, and Ray couldn’t help but smile. He leaned on Ryan, sighing.  
  
“Thank you for today,” he murmured.

“Anything for my diary buddy,” Ryan replied, and Ray hummed, extremely happy with that answer.

 

He bid Ryan a goodnight, and walked back inside, passing the living room (where everyone still remained fast asleep) with a warm heart. Once inside his room, he opened the drawer where the red cap resided, and put it on, smiling to himself.

Sure, things started off pretty shitty, but it ended really fucking nice. Ray was very happy compared to before, and to be honest, he was mainly happy that Ryan had been there with him, through it all. Especially because he got to see his face...

 

He paused, and pressed down on his head, recreating the memory he held so dear. Except, this time, it felt so recent that Ray’s heart couldn’t help but skip a beat.

“It… couldn’t be, right?” he muttered to himself, before laughing softly, “Nah. No way, I’m just tired, whatever.”

 

Ray flopped on the bed, and closed his eyes, smiling.

For once, he dreamt of warmth in a sea of blue, and listened to a soothing, deep voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back!! how was it? im so happy i could finally write this, now we can move onto the more important bits of the story, as well as more character development and relationship development ;B
> 
> as always, thank you so much for your support and comments!! i hope this chapter delivered what you all wanted, and don't worry, you'll get everything you want soon <33
> 
> see you later for chapter eleven! <333
> 
> (as always, you can contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	11. Emotions on a Long Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!! i am back after two days of relaxing and trying to re-motivate myself to write. the reason why will be after the fic, which i'm sure you are all dying to read!
> 
> i also want to say, thank you so much for your comments and support. you don't know how much it means to me, im so grateful that everyone is so kind and accepting, just, thank you so very much!! we're currently at 173 kudos, which is much more than i ever deserve, and every comment i've read has made me smile so much, i wish i could convey just how grateful i am! <33
> 
> with that out of the way, please enjoy chapter 11, the beginning to the next arc of this story.

Ray woke up.

There was nothing more or nothing less to it. He sat up in his bed, rubbing his face, and checked the time. Five thirty-three. When he looked out the window, he could see the sun beginning to rise, the once dark sky now illuminated in a warm orange. When he looked back at this phone, only a minute had passed.

“Here we go,” he murmured to himself, as he got out of bed, yawning loudly.

 

It was going to be a long day.

 

He exited his room, and sighed. Hopefully, somebody would be up and in the living, and he wouldn’t have to wait around like a dumbass.

He only made it so far when he heard his name in a hushed voice, and turned around to face Jack.

The man looked like he hadn’t slept well, in fact, Ray questioned if he got _any_ sleep at all. Jack looked a bit startled at first, but soon smiled widely, and rushed over to pull Ray into a giant, tight hug. Ray felt his heart stop, and a heavy weight lift from his shoulders.

He almost began to cry again.

 

“Welcome home,” Jack murmured, “I’m so happy you’re home. I’m extremely happy that you’re safe. God, Ray, I just…”

“I’m sorry,” Ray said, hugging the man back just as tightly tightly, “I’m so sorry Jack. I didn’t mean to freak you all out, I just… I’m sorry.”

Jack laughed, and pulled away, wiping his face that Ray now noticed were stained with tears.

“It’s fine. I’m just glad to see you home,” he said, “Just, _please_ answer your phone next time.”

Ray bit his bottom lip, and nodded. Jack wiped his eyes once more.

 

“Also, please go talk to Geoff first,” he said, “Out of everyone here, he worried the most. You know how it is. He feels responsible for everything, and he stresses himself out more than he should, and it just becomes a mess. Gavin pushed him too far yesterday too, and he beat himself up over it pretty bad. I don’t know, but Ray, just…”

“I understand,” Ray now said, sighing, “I’m really sorry Jack, I am. I fucked up-”

“It’s okay,” Jack said, smiling softly, “It’s fine. I’m just telling you what happened. I’m not mad.”

Ray nodded again, and allowed himself to be engulfed into Jack’s bear hug once more. Out of everyone in the crew, Jack always made Ray feel at peace with himself. Feel more at home.

 

It was just a Jack thing, he supposed, and smiled.

 

When Jack finally let go, he told Ray to go wake Geoff up, and headed into the kitchen. Ray watched him until he was no longer in sight, and sighed. He really hoped Geoff would be as kind as Jack was (even though he totally didn’t deserve any kindness).

He entered the living room, and was surprised to see the man in question already up, gazing outside. Ray hadn’t been noticed yet though, so he cleared his throat, causing the tattooed man to jump in his chair and look at Ray, startled.

 _Just like Jack_ , Ray thought, watching Geoff stand up and walk over. He cowered slightly, somewhat afraid of what Geoff would do.

 

“You fucker,” Geoff began, Ray noticing his lower lip trembling, “Do you have any idea how fucking afraid I was?! Jesus, I, I’m so sorry Ray, I should of stayed, fucking hell...”

“Don’t apologize,” Ray said, cutting Geoff off, “It was my fault. I was careless, I wasn’t on my game. I should apologize Geoff, come on, it’s not your fault.”

“No, it’s my job as the leader of this crew to make sure everyone is okay, and I _didn’t_ do that job,” Geoff said, before wiping his eyes, trying to hide the fact he was crying, “I’m so sorry. I should of paid closer attention. I should've helped you, and I didn’t, and fuck-”

 

Ray now pulled Geoff in for a hug, squeezing him tightly to hopefully convey his feelings.

“It’s okay Geoff,” Ray said, “It’s not your fault. I should apologize, like, come on. I fucked up, and I told you to leave. This is all on me. Please don’t blame yourself, it’s not like you.”

Geoff hugged Ray back, releasing a long sigh.

“You’re our Brownman,” he said, “There’s only one in the whole wide world. Don’t want to lose you, y’know?”

Ray smiled, nodding.

“I know,” he said, releasing Geoff, “And there’s only one Fake AH Crew in the whole wide world. I don’t want to lose that either.”

 

With that, Geoff smiled, and ruffled Ray’s hair. He headed off down the hallway, to his own room Ray presumed, which left Ray to deal with the three still asleep on the sofa. He sighed, and sat down where Geoff once slept, looking outside.

He didn’t want to wake them. If he did, well, he wouldn’t know how to talk to them. These three were his closest friends, and he was certain they weren’t going to accept a sorry as easily as Geoff and Jack. So instead, he waited for one of them to wake up, and prayed to god that they wouldn’t make him cry.

* * *

 

It was Gavin who woke up first.

 

He tried to stretch out his limbs, but failed, and realized he was still in the tangled mess that consisted of himself, Michael and Lindsay. He smiled softly, and tried to get up slowly now.

That’s when his eyes landed on Ray, who was watching him in amusement.

“Ray!” he cried, causing the other two to jerk awake and Ray to jump, “Bloody hell!! You’re back!!”

He tried to sit up, but only made it so Michael fell off the couch, hitting the floor with a loud thud, and Lindsay’s head getting hit with Gavin’s elbow. Ray got up, concerned at first for his friends, but was unable to control himself as he began to laugh, clutching his stomach as he did.

 

“How the fuck can you fuck up that badly?” he asked, “Jesus Vav, get your shit together-”

Gavin had finally gotten up, and lunged at Ray, cutting him off and pulling him into a tight hug. Ray struggled to keep his balance at first, but sighed, and hugged the Brit just as tightly. He heard sobs escape from Gavin, and sighed.

“I’m sorry Gavin,” he said, and the sobs got louder, Gavin trying his best to say something but failing. Ray smiled sadly, and could only say, “I’m so sorry.”

 

“He’s not the only one you have to apologize too!” Lindsay cried, as she hugged Ray from behind, squeezing him tightly. He was about to protest, but when he heard a small sob leave Lindsay’s lips, he sighed, and allowed himself to be squished between the two.

“I’m sorry,” he managed out, “For worrying both of you, so uh, please let go? It hurts.”

Lindsay shook her head no, and Ray sighed loudly. He looked to Michael, who sat up, rubbing the back of his head. When they made eye contact though, Michael smiled.

“Welcome home, jackass,” he said, “If it weren’t for those two, I’d hug the shit out of you too.”

Ray laughed, every worry for this morning gone.

 

“I’m home.”

* * *

 

Geoff returned, and smiled at Ray once more before taking his place at the single sofa. Michael sat on the couch, followed by Lindsay sitting on his lap, and Gavin sitting beside them. The Brit  beckoned Ray to sit with them, but he politely declined, and sat at the loveseat by himself.

 

Ray smiled though, feeling warm and content. He was home, with the people he could call his family. He didn’t have any worries, and he didn’t feel upset at all. It felt good.

 

Jack soon declared that breakfast was ready. For once, Geoff got up, and began to assist the bearded man. The rest all sat where they were, watching as pancakes were set on the table, Ray (and Gavin’s) mouth watering. Jack sighed, (he knew what was going to happen) and handed them their plates, to which they both greedily grabbed and began to pile as many pancakes as they could onto their respective plates.

“ _Barbarians_ ,” Jack murmured, as he went back to the kitchen to grab his plate. Once everything was settled, and everyone got their desired amount, they all began to dig in.

 

After the sounds of chewing and the occasional choking noise from Gavin, they all heard the click of the door down the hall. Ray looked up first, and watched as Ryan, mask on, came down the hall, once again shirtless with only pajama pants on. He grinned, excited for what would happen.

“Oh, sup Rye,” Geoff said, handing him a plate of pancakes when he approached the man, “This is for you. Saved it, since we have brats who don’t know how to control themselves.”

Gavin begun to say something, but it was cut off by Michael, who yelled at him for speaking with his mouth full. Ray laughed, and looked to Ryan, who was staring back at him.

 

“Dude, come sit down!” Ray said, “These pancakes are hella delicious.”

Ryan continued to stare at Ray, who happily ate his pancakes. A few minutes passed once more, and Ray watched as Ryan took his place beside Ray, and poked at the food with his fork. A few more minutes, and Ray finally sighed, looking at Ryan’s food.

“You gonna eat or what, cause if not, I’m taking your food,” Ray said, half serious.

Ryan hesitated, before nodding, and slipped the mask off. He began to dig in, acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Ray smiled, and continued eating his own plate of pancakes.

 

Everyone else though stared at Ryan.

 

“Oh, hey,” Ray began, looking up at Ryan,  “No facepaint today?”

“I, uh, didn’t feel like it,” Ryan replied, smiling.

 

That’s when the room exploded.

 

“ _Bloody hell_ he has a proper face?!”

“Jesus fucking christ- What the hell Ryan?!!”

“Oh my god, he's talking, what the _fuck_!”

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me?!”

 

The rest Ray couldn’t hear from laughing to hard, leaning on Ryan as he did. The man blushed, but was laughing as well, and the duo just listened to everyone’s reaction to Ryan’s face.

 

It took approximately ten minutes for everyone to calm down enough to listen. Ray smiled, and nudged Ryan, who scratched the back of his head.

“I have no idea what to say,” Ryan said, and Ray chuckled.

 

“I know what the fuck I want to say,” Geoff said, “For fucks sake, I’ve known you longer than any of these fuckers, and I’ve never seen your face until today. And, I’m guessing from Ray’s reaction, he’s seen it before all of us. So fuck you Ryan, I fucking saved you pancakes and everything!”

“Hey, I didn’t ask for that, but thank you anyways,” Ryan said, and Michael laughed.

“Dude, this is so fucking weird,” he said, “I’m so used to you not talking.”

“Should I stop?” Ryan asked, looking embarrassed again.

“Hell no,” Ray said, scowling at the man, “Your voice is fucking amazing. I like it a ton.”

 

Ryan laughed now, and smiled brightly at Ray.

“Thank you, I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, and Ray smiled back at him.

“Alright you two, stop it,” Geoff said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I’m still trying to adjust to Ryan talking. And his face. Both at the same time is a lot to take in.”

“I just don’t bloody understand why Ray was the first one to see it! Unfair,” Gavin said, to which Ray just laughed.

 

“It’s cause I’m his diary buddy,” Ray said, “I got priority!”

Ryan chuckled beside him, and Ray felt himself smile even more.

* * *

 

Once everyone had calmed down, the rest of the day went by pretty smoothly. Ray was forced (though he didn’t really mind) to play some video games with the lads and Lindsay, while Ryan went out with Jack and Geoff for some negotiation things. If anything, Ray was a bit lonely without his partner in crime, but hey, you can’t have everything.

While they played though, Ray couldn’t help but notice Gavin eyeing him every so often. At first, Ray didn’t mind, Gavin probably was worried about him, but after so many times during the gameplay, he couldn’t help but get somewhat annoyed.

They took a break after two hours passed. Lindsay needed to take a call, and Michael wanted to go work a little bit on some explosives. Which left Gavin and Ray in the living room.

 

Ray sighed, and nudged Gavin.

“So?” he began, “What’s up?”

“Nothing XRay!” the Brit replied, “Just… _curious_ , is all.”

“About what?”

“Well,” Gavin looked around before continuing, “You seem very close to Ryan.”

“Uh, yeah,” Ray said, confused, “We’re diary buddies? Plus, he helped me out a lot yesterday. I think it’s pretty natural we’re close.”

“No XRay! I mean, to be honest, it seems Ryan is close to you more than you are to him?”

 

He looked confused after that statement, and Ray was confused as fuck. What the _fuck_ was Gavin trying to say?

“I don’t know, but like, Ryan seems to like you more than us?” Gavin said once more, but he still looked pretty confused. Ray sighed.

“Well, I don’t know, I was the first one to talk to him normally, and I do have an exchange diary thing with him? Plus, I’m pretty chill around him, he probably appreciates it,” Ray said, and Gavin pouted. Ray swears to god he could see the gears turning in Gavin’s head.

 

“But, like, it seems unnatural, like, he’s super psychotic-”

“He’s not a psychopath,” Ray cut in, in a harsher tone than he intended. But Gavin just looked at him bewildered, and gestured to Ray.

 

“See, this is what I mean!” Gavin cried, “Like, you’re so defensive for him!! That, and you’re all buddy-buddy with him! It’s unnatural!”

“Gavin, what the fuck do you want to say to me?!”

“I’m just saying it’s weird to see you so close to someone you don’t know all too well!!”

“Haven’t we gone over this already?!”

“It’s _different_!! It’s, god, I don’t know!?”

“Then _who_ the fuck knows?!”

 

Gavin threw his hands in the air, making some unknown sound. Ray crossed his arms, not wanting to put up with Gavin’s bullshit.

“I’m just saying,” Gavin began, “I don’t know, but I guess it just looks like you and Ryan are _more_ that buddies.”

 

Ray then froze.

 

“Woah, woah, Vav,” Ray began, “ _More_ than buddies? What the fuck does that mean?”

“I’m just telling you what I saw,” Gavin said, “It… Ryan looked _really_ happy whenever he looked at you. And you looked super happy when you looked at him.”

“I think you’re overthinking this,” Ray said, getting up, “I’m gonna go out for a smoke. Thanks for your input I guess? Not that I like it.”

 

Before Ray even got two steps away, Gavin grabbed his wrist, and pulled him back. Ray shook him off, glaring down at him.

“I’m just saying XRay,” Gavin begun, “Maybe he likes you a lot, and you like him the same?”

 

“I would hope so,” Ray said, “Otherwise we wouldn’t be friends. _Friends_ , Vav, nothing more.”

 

And with that, he exited the living room and entered the balcony. Once there, he took a deep breath, and sighed.

 

What the ever loving _fuck_ did Gavin mean?! More than buddies, now he was being stupider than usual. Ryan and Ray were diary buddies, close friends, but nothing more, right?

 

“I’m _not_ going to let his stupid words get to me,” Ray said to himself aloud, “Because the last time I did, I was pretty convinced that jellybeans sucked. And they don’t!”

He groaned, and paced around. He was going to brush it off, he was going to ignore his words, Ray wasn’t going to overthink this.

“Diary buddies, right?” Ray said once more to himself, “That’s all!”

 

Then again, being with Ryan didn’t _sound_ bad....

 

“Mother fucker!!” Ray cried, kicking the railing bar, “No, that’s not fucking fair to Ryan!! Stupid brain I swear to fucking god!!”

Ray almost screamed, but all he let out was a frustrated yell.

With that out of his system, he took a deep breath, and tried to calm down.

 

First of all, yes, there may be some feelings toward Ryan. If they’re platonic or romantic, Ray didn’t want to fucking know. He was happy being diary buddies and close friends with Ryan, and if anything, he highly doubted Ryan would like some guy like him.

There’s also the fact he doesn’t know if Ryan is homosexual or not. That, and what if Ryan didn’t want to be in a relationship? The dude just finally started talking and showing his face after god knows how long, and Ray bets that during his masked time, he didn’t want to make any commitment to relationships.

But then, what made Ray so special? Why did Ryan show his face, and speak for that matter, to Ray? If anything, Ray was just another dude, some lucky guy who hasn’t gotten shot yet because of his big mouth.

Ray groaned, putting his face in his hands.

 

“I knew this was going to be a long fucking day,” Ray murmured, and looked up at the sky.

Ryan and Ray were diary buddies, close friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

  
_Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a short chapter, but it's the start to the arc i suppose!!
> 
> anyways, as to why i've been out of it, i'm going to RTX all three days!! which meant i've been stressing and preparing for the big event, haha! and, i'm going to go to caleb and ryan's autograph session, i got the ticket, hehe. im so excited (and super nervous) because i absolutely love ryan. no joke, go look at my tumblr, you'll see how much i love that overgrown dork <33
> 
> but, i'll try to keep updating this fic for the next few days before RTX. and when i'm there, while waiting for panels or waiting in line, i'll try to write some chapters so when i get back, i can dish them out for you all! <33
> 
> i'll see you again for chapter 12!
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	12. Planning a Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because of the lack of diary entries, i decided to write up what ray and ryan would of written during their time off, mainly after ray's freakout last chapter, haha. 
> 
> at first, i meant for this to be chapter 11.5, but after writing it out, i realized that it's better suited as an official chapter. next chapter will be the usual story telling, but i had fun writing this, haha.
> 
> i hope you enjoy this late night chapter!

**Dear Ryan,**

 

**We stopped this diary on a sad note huh? Whatever, at least now we can move on from it.**

**How are you? I’m sure it’s been tough, I mean, with you talking and all. But I’m pretty happy about it, don’t get me wrong. I’m just worried, y’know? You had a solid reason why you didn’t want anyone to see nor hear you, and now you’re trying to break out of that shell you made.**

**I mean, fuck, I feel like I’m fucking this up. I guess what I want to say is that, don’t push yourself too hard. If you get tired of talking, or you don’t wanna show your face, you can put on your silly mask and write notes for me again. I just don’t want you to push yourself too hard.**

**I keep repeating myself, fuck!**

**Anyways, with that out of the way, it’s good to be home and, y’know, not an emotional wreck. Sorry you had to see that man, it was embarrassing. I mean, I know what you’ll say, that it’s human and shit, but I personally don’t like crying in front of others. Gotta be tough, y’know?**

**But… thank you, for being there for me. And helping me through it.**

**I stressed myself way more than I should’ve. It was over something stupid too, so don’t worry about it. Maybe one day I’ll tell you, but just not now, okay?**

**And, oh, dude, by the way, we gotta continue our questions!!** **Because like, I know you, but I don’t know anything about you? I guess what I mean is that I want to know more, what you enjoy, what makes you happy… cool?**

**Anyways, my question: What is your favorite time of day? You look like a sunset person.**

 

**Reply soon!**

**Ray <3**

* * *

 

**Dear Ray,**

**I’m glad we’re continuing the diary. And yes, we ended on a sad note, but I am glad we can move on and resume our usual talk.**

**As for what you’ve said, I couldn’t help but laugh. Yes, I had my reasons as to why I did not talk nor show my face for many years, but now I wish to reveal all that with you. I suppose the diary helped, I became much more comfortable with you once we begun this. Thank you for worrying about me though, and don’t worry. If things get too tough, I will put on my “silly mask”, and resume writing notes for you. After all, you like my penmanship, right? :)**

**And you’re welcome. I’m happy I could help you through that, and honestly, I don’t think you were an emotional wreck. Like you said, you were human. There are times where tough men cry too, y’know. But, since you have such a big ego to protect, I promise I won’t remind you too much about it. Just don’t try to act like you’re fine on the outside. If something is wrong, if anything, please trust me to help you.**

**We’re diary buddies. We have a bond stronger than most, at least, that’s what I think. :B**

**And for time of day, you’re wrong actually! My favorite time of day isn’t really daytime, but midnight. I love how quiet the world is, and how every star in the sky shines. You said you like stars, and wished to know constellations right? Maybe I can teach you, because I actually know some. I’ll even point them out to you. It’ll be nice, I think. I hope? I don’t know.**

**But, my question for you: What is your favorite flower? I think you would like carnations. Or maybe even camellias?**

**Anticipating your reply,**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

* * *

 

**Dear Ryan,**

 

**Your handwriting may be the best out of everyone here. I mean, it might tie with Jack’s, since he’s got pretty good handwriting too. But yours, I love it more than anything. That’s my lovely comment for you to keep in your heart <3**

**And yeah, I’ll remember that, but let’s move on okay? Thank you, you’re welcome, done and done. I’m not good with these type of conversations, alright?**

**Anyways, I wanna talk about something new. So uh, come up with a new topic?**

**Also, diary buddies for life. We’ve got a bond stronger than most, like, a strong connection.**

**R & R Connection!! That’s what it is. We’ve got a team name now. Awesome.**

**Anyways, I didn’t think you were a night person. You act all sinister and dark, but I’ve seen the true dorky Ryan. So I just assumed you weren’t a night person? I don’t know, but dude, I love the night time. Not necessarily midnight, but y’know, night in general. I love stars. And if you know constellations, dude, please tell me. I’d be super stoked about it. It’s a date, it’s gotta be a date. Please? <3**

**And for flowers, my favorite is the rose. It’s gotta be red, I’m a man of passion, and I don’t know, roses are pretty. So you’re wrong about what you think I like, sorry. (But I like those too, to be honest.)**

**My turn! Here’s my question: Do you speak any other languages?**

**Look forward to your reply!**

**Ray <3**

* * *

 

**Dear Ray,**

**Thank you for the compliment, I will remember it fondly in my heart for days to come. To be honest, you’re hand writing isn’t bad either. There are times where you scribble things out and make it hard to read, but other than that, I like our penmanship as well. I suppose that’s my lovely comment for you. <3**

**As for the new topic, I guess I’m curious as to if you know or not, but I was a freelancer for a while, and I knew Geoff before he became part of the Big Five. Do you know anything about how that happened, as well as the other four? I know that Joel runs Golden Industries, but is he truly done with crime life?**

**And R &R Connection? That honestly sounds dumb, but I like it. I suppose it’s our team name then, and I’m happy with it. Thank you, I guess?**

**Listen, I know I act creepy, but there are times where I just genuinely like being creepy for real. For example, I enjoyed wearing my mask and scaring the living shit out of Gavin at night. It was hilarious. I also scared Geoff once, he screams like a little girl. Hard to believe this man is part of the Big Five. But, yes, I enjoy midnight.**

 

**Also, for our “date”, you should meet me tomorrow night, around 11:30. We can prepare some snacks and drinks (non-alcoholic if that’s fine with you), and I can show you the constellations that might be out. It’ll be fun!**

**Should I bring you a bouquet of roses for our date? I mean, it’s only formal, I suppose. But, in case you were wondering, my favorite flowers are Forget-Me-Nots. The meaning behind them is very nice, and I honestly find it pretty to look at.**

 

**As for languages, the ones I speak pretty fluently still are French and Spanish. I learned it when I was in school. Once I joined this career though, I also learned Italian and Russian, mainly to help understand what some of my clients were saying. But, it’s very broken, and I don’t use it anymore. But, I am still able to speak French pretty well. Spanish, a bit rough.**

**My question: When is your birthday? Mine is December 6th.**

**Look forward to your reply.**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

* * *

 

**Dear Ryan,**

**Your compliment made me smile. Thanks buddy, I appreciate it. <3 <3**

 

**As for the Big Five, I only know some things, mainly because Geoff talks a lot about them when drunk. Geoff apparently became famous with those guys at the same time, mainly because they all did something to get their name known around the same time. Geoff took down a ton of fucking cops during a heist with an old, small gang he used to run with, and because of that he became pretty well known. I’m not sure what the others did, but I’m sure it was all impressive.**

**I guess I’ll say what I do know, Burnie and Gus teamed up for some reason. Joel is running Golden Industries, but he’s still doing some shady business that he keeps under the rug. As for Matt, somehow he became the police chief, it’s probably because (from what Geoff said) he was the most cautious out of the five, and so the cops don’t know his face, and those who do keep quiet. He’s a pretty scary guy I guess. But he gives out information to people who pay a fuck ton, Geoff got fucking pissed with his prices.**

**Other than that, I really don’t know much about the Big Five. I just know they’re fucking strong and pretty impressive in our world.**

**Also, R &R Connection for life. You’re stuck with it forever, so you better love it. <3**

**I love you for that. I love you so much right now. It must of been amazing, scaring Gavin, and scaring Geoff?! Dude, that’s amazing. (Also, I agree, I don’t know how the fuck Geoff can be considered as part of the Big Five, but hey, he is.)**

**For our date, fuck yeah, awesome. Tomorrow we’re gonna have so much fun. And non-alcoholic drinks are perfect. I don’t drink, in fact, I hate it. I don’t mind others drinking but… I just don’t want to be a part of it. So thank god I found someone who doesn’t drink like me on this team. Thanks Ryan <3 <3 <3**

**And if you bring roses, I’ll love you forever. But Forget-Me-Not’s are pretty. I like them, they’re pretty sad though. But at the same time, it fits you. I don’t know, but yeah. I like those flowers too. Not as much as roses but… yeah.**

**Also, you speak a fuck ton more than I do. I only speak English. Maybe a little of Spanish. But mainly English. You should speak French for me sometime, I’m super curious as to how you sound.**

**My birthday is September 15, and you better remember it! I’ll remember yours for sure.**

**My question for you: Will our date be super fun?**

**Super excited for your reply,**

**Ray <3**

* * *

 

**Dear Ray,**

**Thank you for telling me what you know about them. I wasn’t really interested before, but after joining this group, I became curious. Mainly because we hit Golden Industries, I have some past business with Joel, and knowing that Geoff is somewhat related to him in terms of business, I… well, y’know. Became curious.**

**And I will forever love our team name. Don’t worry. <3**

**It was amazing to scare Gavin and Geoff. Maybe one day if you stay up with me, you can scare them alongside me. It’ll be super fun. Knowing you love me for that though made me pretty happy. Hopefully if we mess with those two you’ll love me more? Haha :B**

**I’m glad to know you don’t drink either. I just don’t like the taste, and I’ve never been a fan of having a clouded mind. I’m happy to know I won’t be the only sober one in this crew. I’m excited for our date though. And I’ll most certainly bring you flowers. I’ll also speak French tomorrow, if you want to hear it so badly, haha. It’s nothing special, so don’t get your hopes up to high, haha. I don’t want to disappoint. I have so much to do though, haha.**

**I will most certainly remember your birthday <3**

**And yes, our date will be super fun.**

**See you tomorrow!**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell that i enjoy fluffy, sappy conversations between the two? and that i love their flirting but not flirting? it's so fun.
> 
> chapter 13 will be here soon!! look forward to it! <33
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	13. Under the Stars, Realize your Love

Ray stared at the latest entry from Ryan, and couldn’t help but blush at their words, grumbling as he sank into his chair. It’d been a few weeks after the big heist, and in between errands, mini heists with certain people, and busy schedules, Ray and Ryan had continued their exchange diary as promised.

In fact, Ray received the diary from Ryan just yesterday night, but due to exhaustion, hadn’t read it until today. Because of this, he now noticed just how much they flirted without meaning to (Ray may of intended to flirt though) and, well, felt embarrassed by it. They wrote to one another like they were in some teenage romance movie, and to be honest, Ray really didn’t know why the fuck this happened.

He hadn’t let Gavin’s words get to him much (fucking lie), and he totally didn’t wonder about why Ryan opened up to him instead of someone else (another bullshit lie).

 

He sighed, and ran his hand through his hair.

 

“If I wasn’t such an idiot,” Ray mumbled to himself, “Or if I actually had balls to do shit, maybe I wouldn’t be such fucking shit. Thanks brain.”

He got up, not able to write his reply due to his current state of mind, and headed into the kitchen, hoping to make some sort of snack for himself. He knew that Jack was out today alongside Geoff and Lindsay, which left himself, Michael and Gavin.

 

Ryan was either home or wasn’t. Ray didn’t dwell on it too much.

 

He entered the kitchen, and prepared himself some sandwiches. He heard furious typing in the living room (obviously Gavin) and the screen door open (that’s Michael), but other than that, the house was silent. If anything, it was too silent, but then again, after their big heist, they deserved the peace.

He finished up, and headed into the living room, plate stacked with his meal. He took his seat next to Gavin, who made no visible notion that he knew Ray was beside him. Ray wanted to sigh again, but with a mouth full of sandwich, kinda hard to.

When he finished about half, he put the plate down and nudged Gavin.

 

“Hi XRay,” Gavin muttered, “Sorry. Kinda busy, what do you want?”

“Just wondering what you’re working on,” Ray said, leaning on Gavin to see his laptop.

On it were various documents and pictures scattered about (how Gavin could operate with it all open at once, Ray would never know), and Gavin was currently examining some data code. Ray watched the numbers and letters zoom upwards as Gavin typed.

 

“What’re you hacking into this time?” he asked, and Gavin sighed.

“Geoff got a call from Burnie,” he said, “Something about one of Joel’s bigger banks getting ruined by some unknown group. Wants me to check or something.”

“Doesn’t this break the rule?” Ray asked, frowning, “We’re not allowed to get in the other’s business.”

“Apparently this was a request from Joel,” Gavin said, “Wanted me to see if I could get any details about the guy who bugged their systems. So far, I’ve only gotten glimpses as to what they’re like.”

“Is it someone we know?” Ray asked again, and Gavin shook his head no.

“Then it’s some newbie gang wanting to make it big time,” Ray said, leaning back, “Dumbasses. Now they’re fucked. Joel doesn’t forgive easily, I know _that_ much.”

“Especially since you broke his favorite vase,” Gavin remarked, smirking.

“That was so fucking long ago!” Ray cried, throwing his hands in the air, “Every fucking time we see him he brings it up!! Like, thanks dickbag, not like I already feel kinda bad about it. But _no_ , he just has to pull that bullshit with me. Fucking asshole.”

Gavin laughed now, which made Ray smile.

 

“Don’t overwork yourself Vav,” Ray said, nudging Gavin again, “Who else is working on this shit?”

“From what Geoff told me, Miles is also trying to figure things out,” Gavin said, resuming his typing, “We might also get Kerry to help, but it depends on how much information comes out of it.”

“Is Burnie’s gang mainly involved then?” Ray asked. Gavin nodded now.

“Joel called Burnie first, which means he wasn’t super worried about the whole thing. That was probably a week ago,” Gavin began, sighing, “Then he called Burnie again and asked him to call Geoff. I don’t really want to do this, but apparently Joel’s pretty buggered out about it.”

“Kinda feel bad for Miles now,” Ray said, and Gavin smirked.

“He’s good, just _not_ as good as me,” he said, “That’s all.”

“Good to know you’re still a snarky shit as always,” Ray murmured, “Whatever. Did Michael go out or come in?”

“He went outside for a smoke. I don’t think he’s happy that I’m working right now,” Gavin said, looking pretty sad right now, “I don’t blame him. I’m trying to fix myself, I am, it’s just…”

 

Ray smiled, and nudged Gavin once more.

“Hey,” he began, “He knows. He’s just worried about you. You’re his boi or whatever.”

 

With that, Gavin smiled.

“Thanks XRay,” he said, “I needed that.”

“Well, I did my part then. See you ‘round Vav,” Ray said, and got up. Gavin nodded, and now focused all his attention to the laptop.

 

He sighed, and headed outside.

 

Michael leaned over the railing, cigarette in his hands. He glanced back at Ray, waved slightly, before resuming to watch the city below them. Ray walked over and stood next to him.

 

“Sup?” he began, and Michael sighed loudly.

“Just pissed. The usual,” he said, and Ray chuckled.

“Of course, what did I expect? But for real dude,” Ray paused, before looking at him, frowning, “What’s up? Why are you giving Gavin the cold shoulder?”

“I don’t mean to,” Michael began, “I just don’t like it when he works. I get he’s the best, but I don’t want him to overwork himself again and again. It’s not healthy.”

“It’s the same for everyone,” Ray said, “But we gotta help him out. Make sure he takes breaks, gets air. Not give him shit for being hired to do a job.”

Michael sighed once more, leaning on Ray slightly. Ray stood still, supporting his friend up.

“I just don’t want to lose him, y’know?” Michael said, “I really like him Ray. Same with Lindsay. I love those two. I don’t want them to get hurt.”

 

Ray smiled.

“I know you do,” he said, “Which is why you gotta look out for them. They love you too, everyone fucking sees it. It’s gross.”

Michael laughed, and Ray smiled a bit more.

“I know you’re worried he’s going to overwork himself again,” Ray continued, “But you gotta trust him. And if you’re really worried, you gotta pull him away. I don’t know man, just be there for him. He loves you so _fucking_ much. I know you feel the same.”

“I do,” Michael murmured, “I love him so much. Lindsay does too.”

“Everyone does,” Ray said, “Even if he’s a piece of shit some days.”

“Some days? Ray, _please_ ,” Michael said, now standing up straight, “He’s a piece of shit every fucking day."

 

Both men laughed now, their voices filling the air before it was carried away by the breeze. Michael smiled brightly now, and Ray smiled as well.

After that though, they remained quiet for a long time. The city sounds now reverberated in the air, the occasional car honk or screech disturbing the peace. Only once did they hear sirens from afar.

 

“So,” Michael began, breaking the silence after so long, “Gavin told me he think you’re crushing on Ryan.”

 

Ray’s heart skipped a beat, and he felt himself tense up.

 

“What the fuck, he’s told you?!” Ray asked, trying to stop himself from blushing, “God damnit, just when I thought I could get away from this bullshit.”  
  
“Woah, hey, calm down Ray,” Michael said, grinning, “I’m just curious is all. Do you like the dude or not? It's simple.”

“Not fucking really,” Ray said, crossing his arms, “It’s more complicated.”

“What’s so complicated about this?” Michael asked, “It’s either you like him, or you don’t!”

“What if I like him, but I don’t think I do,” Ray said, his tone harsh, obviously irritated. Of course Michael thought this was the simplest fucking thing in the world. God damnit.

“Well, I don’t fucking know, you gotta figure that shit out then,” Michael said, and Ray groaned.

“What if I don’t want to?! What if, I just want to leave shit as it is so I don’t fuck up what I already have with Ryan,” Ray said, growing more and more angry. Michael glared at him, and he glared back.

“Well, then you won’t ever figure it out then, will you?” Michael said, and Ray threw his hands up in the air.

 

“That’s the fucking point!” he cried, “I don’t know man! I really like Ryan, I do, but I don’t want to scare him off because I might like him more than a friend! That, and he just started talking to people, I don’t think he wants to get in a committed relationship yet, in fact, I think it’s the last thing in his fucking mind! I’d rather just keep it to myself than to freak him out.”

With that, Michael’s features softened, and he sighed. He put his cigarette in the ash tray, and ran his hand through his hair.

“Sounds like you really fucking like him then,” Michael said, and Rays’ heart almost stopped.

Instead, he looked down at the ground, and sighed.

 

“... I do,” Ray murmured, “I really fucking like him.”

 

“Sorry buddy,” Michael said, “I didn’t mean to push you.”

“It’s fine,” Ray said, “I expected it to come sooner or later from Gavin. _You_ weren’t expected to say the least.”

Michael chuckled, and punched Ray’s shoulder lightly. Ray looked up, and smiled a little, punching Michael back.

“You know you can come talk to me whenever you like,” Michael said, and Ray nodded before he continued, “If this makes you feel any better, we all know he likes you too. I guess it’s just a matter of how much he likes you.”

Ray sighed, and leaned back on the railing.

 

“I just don’t want to fuck things up, y’know?” Ray said, “He’s not like us. He’s not his reasons for why he acts the way he does. We all know each other like the back of our hands, but he doesn’t. I just don’t want him to feel obliged to like me back because I’m trying to get to know him.”

“You sound like me back when I met Gavin,” Michael said, and Ray made a fake gagging noise, causing Michael to laugh, before continuing, “I don’t think he’s gonna feel obliged to like you back. In fact, he likes you plenty, I see it when he looks at you. Before, it was because he talked to you the most.”

“Yeah, as a friend,” Ray muttered, and Michael sighed.

“I’m just saying. I hope things work out for you Ray,” Michael said, “I’m gonna head back in now. You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Ray said, “I’m just gonna sit out here and mope around. Y’know, get _emotional_ about _emotions_. It’s _fine_ , just leave me here to cry alone like a baby.”

Michael laughed, and punched his shoulder a bit harder.

“Sure, whatever man. See you around,” he said, and Ray nodded.

 

With that, Ray was left alone on the balcony.

He sat down, back against the railing, and looked up to the sky.

“At least I get to have a date with the dude tonight,” he murmured, “Maybe I'll finally confess. Yeah right.”

* * *

 

“Ray? Ray, wake up.”

 

He opened his eyes, and jumped a little to see Ryan so up close to his face.

“Rye?!” Ray cried, “ _Jesus_ , what the _hell_?”

“I could ask you the same,” Ryan said, “I found you out here asleep. _Why_ , I haven’t quite figured out yet.”

 

Ray yawned, and rubbed his eyes. It wasn’t unusual for him to fall asleep (he could sleep anywhere), but it was freezing cold out on the balcony, and he felt pretty groggy. Just his luck Ryan found him too.

“Shit, uh, what time is it?” Ray asked, looking at Ryan now. He sat in front of Ray, in his usual leather jacket, hair tied back in a small ponytail. His hair was getting longer, Ray liked it.

 

_Fuck._

 

“It’s nine. You know, at night?” Ryan said, “It’s pretty dark right now. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, “But jesus, didn’t think I’d sleep that long. Uh, when’d you get back from your errand or whatever the fuck you do.”

“Just a while ago actually,” Ryan said, “Nobody’s home right now, so I assumed you were out as well. I was surprised to find you out here.”

“Yeah, _I’m_ surprised I’m out here too,” Ray said, and Ryan laughed. Ray's heart skipped a beat.

 

_Double fuck._

 

“Oh, uh, are you cold?” Ryan said, shedding off his jacket and putting it over Ray, “Hope this is okay. Don’t know where the blankets are, and uh, don’t want you to freeze when I go search.”

 

_Fuck fuck fuck._

“Nah, this is good,” Ray said, allowing himself to be engulfed in the jacket, “It’s warm. Uh, so, are we still on for our uh…”

Ray couldn’t bring himself to say it, it embarrassed him so fucking much. But, Ryan smiled warmly, and nodded.

“If you still want to, we can have our date,” Ryan said, “I kinda hope we do, I prepared a ton of stuff for this if I’m being honest.”

Ray laughed, causing Ryan to blush slightly.

“I would hope so,” Ray said, “It’s gotta be the best first date ever.”

Ryan just smiled, and stood up, extending his hand out for Ray. Ray took it, and was pulled upwards onto his feet, standing right in front of Ryan.

“Well, hopefully not our only date either,” Ryan said, and Ray looked up at him in shock, but Ryan was looking up at the sky as he quickly said, “The stars change everyday y’know? I have a lot to show you.”

“Oh. Right. Stars change,” Ray said, trying not to sound disappointed (why would he be?!), “Uh, anyways, where are we going for this lovely date?”

“Halfway up Mount Chiliad,” Ryan said, grinning, “It’ll be the perfect time when we get there. So, uhm, after you I suppose.”

 

Ray laughed, and headed inside, knowing Ryan followed after him. They headed to the garage for Ryan’s car, where Ryan opened the passenger seat for Ray (“You corny bastard”), and allowed him to get in first. Ray sat there, keeping the jacket wrapped tightly on him.

 

“Fucking stars,” he muttered under his breath as Ryan came in, but luckily the man hadn’t heard as he started up the engine, and began to drive.

* * *

 

They arrived around midnight, and like Ryan had said, it was perfect timing. The sky was almost alight with all the stars, each one sparkling brighter ever. Ray got out, and couldn’t help but gaze upwards in awe, the scene beautiful.

Ryan got out as well, and laid a blanket down for them to sit on. He then began to dig around in his car, so Ray continued to look up. That is, until Ryan cleared his throat, drawing Ray’s attention back to him.

“Uh,” he began, holding out a bouquet of roses and carnations toward Ray, “You said you wanted me to bring flowers. So, here you go.”

Ray’s heart was pounding as he took the bouquet, and he laughed.

“Thanks Rye,” he said, “I didn’t think you were serious! They’re beautiful, jesus, I can't believe you actually got them for me.”

 

Ryan smiled, and sat down on the blanket, patting the area next to him so Ray could sit. He obliged, and leaned a bit on Ryan, looking up at the sky.

“You gonna speak french to me now?” Ray asked, and Ryan laughed now, his voice filling the air.

“Sooner or later,” he said, pointing up, “I thought I should point out the constellations first.”

“Go ahead,” Ray said, and began to listen as Ryan pointed out each star, each shape in the sky, his voice filling Ray’s heart with warmth.

 

Since when had Ray fallen so hard for Ryan?

Time felt like it had frozen, allowing Ray to bask in their time together. Ryan’s jacket and body heat kept him warm, and his heart pounded just enough for Ray to worry if Ryan could hear it or not. He had also allowed himself to lean on Ryan even more, their free hands touching barely. If anything, Ray would of loved to take Ryan’s hand in his own, but resisted the temptation as he continued to listen to Ryan.

The man went quiet after a bit. Ray looked to him, confused, but the man was smiling.

 

“ _Je pense toujours à toi_ ,” he said, and Ray frowned, confused.

“What?” he asked, and Ryan looked at him, his smile bright.

“You wanted me to speak French right? Well, I just did,” he said, and Ray’s eyebrows shot up, before he shoved Ryan’s shoulder playfully.

“The fuck man! I wasn’t ready!” Ray said, “Repeat it, not fair dude!”

Ryan laughed, causing Ray to get a bit irritated and shove him again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ryan said, scratching the back of his head, “Let’s see… uh…”

 

Ray sat there, anticipating Ryan’s words with excitement.

“ _Je veux être avec toi pour toujours_ ,” he said, and Ray couldn’t help but love the words. 

“Whatever you said, it sounds pretty,” he began, "Even if it's not the same thing as earlier."

“I’m not gonna repeat myself,” Ryan said, “Besides, it isn’t _meant_ to be repeated.”

“What did you say though?” Ray asked, grinning, and Ryan laughed.

“I told you, it isn’t meant to be repeated,” the man said, ruffling Ray’s hair. Ray groaned, and swatted him off, fixing his hair.

“Not fair, you probably said shit about me or something,” Ray said, “Fight me.”

 

Ryan laughed again, and leaned on Ray this time, causing the lad to blush as he tried his best not to blush.

 

“ _Je veux être avec to_ i,” Ryan said, “ _Tu es dans toutes mes pensées_.”

“Whatever the fuck you’re saying, it’s beautiful,” Ray said, as he calmed himself down.

“Maybe one day I’ll tell you,” Ryan said, “Teach you what I’m saying.”

“We could shit talk so many people and sound beautiful at the same time,” Ray said, and Ryan laughed, causing the other to laugh as well.

“ _Je t'adore_ ,” Ryan said, and Ray grinned.

“A door to you too,” he said, and Ryan just laughed even more, and even though his voice was deep the laugh was high and filled with warmth. Ray loved it so much.

 

Ray loved _Ryan_ so much.

 

They sat there underneath the stars for a while more, Ray asking questions about stars that always stood out to him, Ryan answering each one. Soon, they saw the edge of the sky turning bright, and Ryan began to pack up.

Ray held the bouquet of flowers in his hand, smiling as he examined them. They were beautiful, Ryan must of gotten them today, and Ray felt his heart swell.

“Ray? Let’s go,” Ryan said, opening to passenger door once more for him. Ray smiled, and turned to face Ryan.

 

“Thank you,” he said, “For tonight. It was fun. We should do it again soon.”

A small blush formed on Ryan’s cheeks, and he smiled warmly.

“Anytime,” he said, “ _Je ferais n'importe quoi pour toi_.”

 

Ray smiled even more, and entered the car, the scent of flowers mixing with Ryan’s scent. It made him feel so happy, and at the same time, sad. He was in so deep, and yet he was so scared of showing this. He loved Ryan. He really did.

He felt his eyes droop, and he fell asleep, clutching the flowers tightly. He had no dreams, but he did hear a small tune from the voice he loved so much, which filled him with warmth and love.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!! no notes at the beginning this time, mainly because i really dont have much to say. but, i do hope you enjoy chapter 13 of this series!!
> 
> what did ryan say you ask? well, you and Ray will find out soon, do not worry!! <33
> 
> well, anyways, look forward to chapter 14, and a oneshot im currently writing! it has nothing to do with this story, and is completely independent. what it's about, well, you'll see!! <333
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	14. Awkward Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!! i promised an update, and here i am!! thank you for your patience, im so happy to be back!
> 
> RTX was spectacular, omg, i got to meet Ryan there and oh my goodness gracious, what an absolute fucking cutie. im so so in love with him, god. if you wish to read the full interaction with him, here is the link to my tumblr post describing everything!  
> http://oceanicmarina.tumblr.com/post/126227311093/day-2-of-rtx-aka-the-day-i-fucking-died-because
> 
> well, i hope you enjoy this chapter of red cap!

**Dear Ryan,**

**Our date last night was amazing. I had a ton of fun, thanks buddy. Also, one day, you have to teach me some French. I totally want to talk to you and sound really pretty. Please promise me on our next date...**

 

Ray stared at the line, before blushing. Should he really say next date? It was pretty embarrassing, plus, if anything, it was more of a late night hangout than a date.

_YOLO I guess_ , he thought, and continued to write.

 

**Our date last night was amazing. I had a ton of fun, thanks buddy. Also, one day, you have to teach me some French. I totally want to talk to you and sound really pretty. Please promise me on our next date, you’ll teach me it. As well as more constellations. Because that shit was pretty rad too.**

**Oh, and can’t forget the flowers. Dude, they’re so fucking pretty!! Where the fuck did you get them? It must of been hella expensive, you really didn’t have to go out of your way to buy me some flowers… But, thank you anyways. I put them in one of my vases and I’m taking good care of them. They’re amazing. Thank you. <3**

Ray looked up at the flowers, and smiled, reaching out to touch one of the roses. It was soft, and the smell that came from it was lovely. Ray soon snickered, realizing how fucking sappy this was. He thought about how gross _he himself_ was and continued to write.

 

**In other news, I have no idea what to write. Hopefully you’ll be more interesting and give us something to talk about.**

**I do have a question for you though: What is your favorite constellation?**

 

**With lots of love**

**Ray <3**

 

“Tons of fucking love to be honest,” Ray murmured, “But you don’t need to know that yet.”

He close the diary, and sighed, before getting up and grabbing Ryan’s jacket from his bed. He needed to return this, but the fact he had it for that small amount of time made him pretty happy.

“God, when did I become a fucking sap?” Ray said to himself, chuckling, “It’s gross.”

 

He took out his red cap now, and put it on, hiding his view with the visor. If it weren’t for this cap, he wouldn’t be here. He wouldn’t of gotten to meet everyone, especially Ryan. He owed this cap so much.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not pissed at you anymore,” he murmured, “I’m still gonna pay you back one day, double. Just you wait.”

 

With that, he put it away once more, and headed out, Ryan’s jacket and their diary in hand. He entered the living room, and smiled when he saw Ryan sitting amongst Gavin and Michael, joining them for a game of Mario Kart.

 

“I don’t understand, what the fuck am I doing?!” Ryan cried out, trying his best to steer his vehicle on screen. Michael beside him laughed, and crossed the finish line.

“First bitches!” he cheered, and Gavin made a squawk as a red shell hit him, causing both Michael and Ray to laugh. That’s when Michael noticed Ray.

“Oh, sup Ray,” he said, “Wanna join? Ryan and Gavin can’t play for shit.”

“Cause this game is bullshit!” Ryan said, as a green shell of all things hit him, “God dammit! See what I mean? Fucking, god-”

“Dude, Ryan, you gotta move like this,” Ray said, leaning over Ryan’s shoulder to help steady the man’s hands, “And then you can throw your shell at Gavin with this button…”

 

Ryan did as Ray told him, and came in eighth place, Gavin following in tenth. With that, Ryan cheered loudly (as did Michael for some reason) and turned to smile at Ray.

“I won!” he said, “Thanks Ray.”

Ray laughed, and handed him his jacket and the diary.

“It was nothing,” Ray said, “And here you go, your shit and a diary. Thanks for last night man.”

Ryan grinned, taking the items.

“You’re welcome. We should do it again soon. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Sure, tomorrow night it is then,” Ray said, and both men smiled at each other. Ryan took his leave, heading to his room now, and Ray sat down where he once was. Both Gavin and Michael stared at him, and Ray realized his situation.

 

“ _Uh_ ,” he began, “Sup. Mario Kart right? Gonna kick your asses-”

“XRay, did you go on a date with Ryan?!” Gavin cried, “Bloody hell! What happened to _just friends_?!”  
  
“Gavin, shut the fuck up,” Michael said, earning a noise of protest from the Brit, “Dude, Ray, that’s fucking awesome you got to go on a date-”

“It’s not a date?!” Ray cried, before groaning, “I mean, it was, we called it that, but it’s not what you think!! We just went out and he showed me constellations and shit. That’s it.”

“That’s a date either way,” Michael said, grinning, “Congrats dude. And you have another one tomorrow? Fucking awesome.”  
  
Ray blushed, before smiling a little bit.

 

“Thanks Michael,” he said, “But it’s not what you think okay?”

“Sure it isn’t,” Michael said, “Whatever. Let’s play some Mario Kart.”

“What?!” Gavin cried, “We’re just gonna leave it like this?! Michael, XRay is going on dates with Ryan-”  
  
“What about it,” Michael said, “Gav, it’s none of our business, fucking shut up.”

“I-I just want to know what happened is all,” Gavin murmured, and Ray laughed.

 

“Not much,” Ray said, “We went to Mount Chiliad, sat down and he pointed out a bunch of constellations. He also spoke some French, I didn’t understand shit but it sounded pretty.”

“Sounds so cute,” Gavin cooed, and Ray groaned, “What else happened?”

“Uh, well, he got me a bouquet of roses. That was nice,” Ray murmured, and Gavin grinned.

“Aw XRay! That’s so romantic!” Gavin cheered, and Ray sunk into the couch, groaning even more, “I’m happy for you! I mean, it’s surprising since you said you were just friends and all-”

“Still are,” Ray grumbled as Gavin continued.

“-but I’m real happy for you! You should totally confess your feelings to him tomorrow.”

 

“Hell fucking no,” Ray said, “Fuck that shit. Absolutely fucking not. Pick your fucking character Vav, I’m going to beat your ass at Mario Kart.”

 

With that, they played the game for about an hour. Of course, Ray won every single race, followed by Michael in second, and Gavin with some random number every time.

They were on the last lap of the last race when Ryan came out. When Ray looked at him, the man smiled and handed him the diary. Ray took it happily.

“I didn’t know you were good at Mario Kart,” Ryan said, watching the screen, “You’re kicking ass right now.”

“Dude, I’m a master at every fucking game,” Ray said, grinning, “I don’t lose.”

“It’s fucking true and it fucking sucks ass,” Michael hissed, gritting his teeth, “I always think I win and fucking Ray takes the lead last second. I fucking hate it- _Mother fucker_!!! Gavin I swear to god!”

“Michael, I’m just playing the game!” Gavin said, laughing, “But I finally came in second!! Yes!”

 

But, the poor man was silenced when Michael jumped on him, causing Ray to get up and head beside Ryan. They watched at the two wrestled, before looking at each other and laughing.

“Wanna get some lunch?” Ray began, grabbing his keys, “My treat for last night.”

“Actually, I’ll drive,” Ryan said, taking Ray’s keys and smiling, “You read the diary and reply. That, and I have a place I want to eat at today.”

Ray shrugged, but smiled as he followed Ryan. The man put his mask on, something Ray hadn’t seen in a while, and got in the car.

The engine roared to life, and Ryan began to drive down the streets of Los Santos, Ray sitting in the passenger seat. He opened up the diary, and began to read.

**Dear Ray,**

**I’m happy you enjoyed our date. I would love to teach you French, perhaps on our next date I can teach you some words to say.  And, of course, I will show you many more constellations that I know.**

**Also, once again, very happy you like the roses. I’m glad you’re taking care of them too, I hope they remind you of our first date, haha. They actually weren’t as expensive as you think, I found them in a simple floral shop, the cashier gave me a huge discount too when he saw my mask. It was very nice of him! :D**

Ray snorted.

“You’re a terrible person,” he said, and Ryan beside him chuckled.

“I try my best,” he said, though it was slightly muffled, but Ray just smiled as he continued to read.

 

**As for what we could talk about, how about you tell me about the others? I only know a little about them. They’re all pretty okay so far (Gavin’s fucking annoying though) and I’d like to be able to get along with them. I mean, I am a part of the crew now.**

**For your question, my favorite constellation is Pegasus. It was the first one I learned about, and I still like it to this day. I hope I can show it to you one day.**

**Now, here is my question: Have you ever loved someone?**

 

**Look forward to your reply.**

**Ryan**

**< 3**

 

Ray looked at Ryan, who focused on the road. His heart was about to burst out of his chest, and he didn’t know what to say.

“So, uh,” Ray began, “Do I write this my reply down or tell you.”

Ryan shrugged. Ray just turned to face forward, watching the scenery pass by.

 

“If you tell me, you won’t write a reply,” Ryan murmured after a while, startling Ray, “But I don’t mind either way.”

“Uh,” Ray began, “Kinda got a bit personal, your question.”

“Do you mind?” Ryan said, and Ray couldn’t help but sigh.

“Not really?” Ray began, “A bit embarrassing if anything. Not many people as others if they loved someone. And why past tense? I can’t love someone now?”

“You know what I mean,” Ryan said, chuckling, “But I understand. Sorry for throwing that into you.”

“Why are you even curious?” Ray asked, curious himself. Ryan just shrugged again.

“I know Geoff is married, and Michael, Lindsay and Gavin are a thing,” Ryan began, “I don’t know about Jack, but I think he’s married too. You’re the only one I haven’t seen with someone.”

 

“Hadn’t found him yet,” Ray said, somewhat lying, “There wasn’t a special guy for me.”

“I see,” Ryan said, and Ray felt himself beginning to blush. He wished Ryan would say more.

“So uh, what about you?” Ray said, “You ever loved someone?”

“I did once, but it didn’t work out,” Ryan began, “Don’t wanna talk about it. Sorry.”  
  
“No, it’s fine,” Ray said, “I get it. This is kinda an awkward topic after all.”

“True, but I wanted to ask it,” Ryan said, “Glad I did.”

 

Silence filled the car now, and Ray couldn’t help but every so often examine Ryan’s face. Of course, all he saw was the skull mask, but he still would check.

It was about ten minutes later when Ryan spoke up again.

  
“And now?” he began, Ray’s head snapping in the direction to look at him.  
  
“What?” Ray asked.

“What about now?” Ryan said, “Do you, uh, like someone now?”

Ray sat there, unsure as to what he should say. But, in the end, he decided to just roll with it.

 

“I do,” Ray said, looking forward, “He’s pretty great. But I won’t act on it.”

“How come?” Ryan asked, and Ray shrugged.  
  
“Don’t wanna ruin what I already have,” Ray murmured, “And you? You like someone?”

 

Ryan was quiet, and Ray waited.

 

“ _Toi et nul autre_ ,” he said, and Ray threw his hands up.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! Not fucking fair,” Ray said, and Ryan chuckled, causing Ray to cross his arms and glare at the other.

“I swear to god, you suck major ass,” Ray said, “What did you say?”

“That’s my secret for now,” Ryan said, and Ray groaned even more, “I’ll tell you one day though.”

“I would fucking hope so,” Ray grumbled, “Or else I’ll beat your fucking ass.”

* * *

 

They returned home after their lunch date (can Ray even call it that?), only to find Geoff pacing around the room. That was never a good sign.

“What’s up Geoff,” Ray began, “Something wrong?”

“Fucking Burnie called again,” he said, “Joel wants to have a meeting with the others. I really don’t want to fucking go, but it’s apparently important.”

“Why would Joel even want to talk to you?” Ray asked, “Unless it has to do with that thing Gavin was doing.”

“I don’t know,” Geoff said, running a hand through his hair, “I can only hope it’s Joel being a whiny bitch ass, and that this issue won’t affect us.”

“We can only hope,” Ray said, and looked to Ryan, who had taken his mask off and watched Geoff.

  
  
“When is this meeting?” Ryan asked, and Geoff finally stopped pacing.

“Tomorrow afternoon,” he said, “I’m taking Michael with me just in case. You guys stay home and try not to worry too much. If anything, I’ll call Jack.”

“Alright then,” Ray said, but Ryan crossed his arms, frowning. Ray watched him, and nudged him with his shoulder.

“You alright?” Ray began, and Ryan shrugged.

“I dunno. I just don’t like the thought of something big happening,” he said, and Geoff grinned.

“Same here, but we’ll see tomorrow,” he said, “You two be safe though. If rumors are true, some newbie gang is trying to pick fights with everyone. I don’t want two of my men getting ambushed.”

 

“Roger that Daddio,” Ray said, causing Geoff to chuckle, “Ryan will protect me from the outside world. He is my safety buddy.”

“When did this get established?” Ryan asked, and Ray shrugged, grinning.

“Just now, I guess,” Ray said, and both Geoff and Ryan just laughed.

“Whatever. See you for dinner, I’m heading out to go see Griffon. Oh, and Jack is visiting Caiti today too, so don’t starve waiting for him to get home.”

Ray just groaned as Ryan beside him chuckled. He just ate, so he wasn’t _that_ hungry.

_Yet._

 

“Anyways, I’ll see you later. Have fun,” Geoff said, and left, leaving Ryan and Ray alone in the hall. They looked at each other, before chuckling.

“Well, I’ll be in my room,” Ray said, “See you later?”

“See you later,” Ryan said, and with that, they parted ways.

 

Ray entered his room quickly, and flung himself onto his bed. The conversation in the car still ran through his mind, and he groaned.

“Goddamn It,” he murmured, “This is so fucking pathetic. I can’t believe this bullshit. I’m so gross, god.”

He rolled over onto his back, and stared at the ceiling. He was so helplessly in love with Ryan, he’d admit that much, but god damn this was embarrassing. He can’t believe they actually had that conversation.

“I fucking hate me,” Ray said, and closed his eyes.

 

At least he had a date tomorrow with his _special guy._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you like it? god i loved writing it, haha! <33
> 
> anyways, see you next chapter!! also, go check out my other fic, Breathing with Rotting Lungs for You. It's a post-apocalyptic raywood fic, and I'm excited to start writing that as well!! <333
> 
> love you all so very much!! <33
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	15. Je t’aime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends! before we get started, i'd like to say that red cap will be updated on monday, wednesday and fridays, and possibly the occasional sunday!! tuesday, thursday and saturday's will be dedicated to rotting lungs, which i would love if you could check out!!
> 
> that being said, please enjoy this chapter!! i havent written a scene like this in forever, so i may seem awkward/dorky/incomplete, but i promise i will do some research and do better in the future!!! thank you for understanding, i wish i could deliver more <33;;
> 
> anyways, enjoy the chapter!!

The date the next night was amazing. As was every other date after that. They would head up to Mount Chiliad, settle down, and Ryan would begin pointing out constellations. He would also speak French, and Ray listened, the words tugging at his heart. Sometimes, Ryan would teach him the words, and Ray would try his best to imitate them.

He honestly didn’t sound too great.

But Ryan would always encourage him to continue, saying that it takes practice. So he did. He would continue repeating after Ryan, and end up saying the word just like him. They would celebrate, laughing loudly, their voices filling the chilly air. It was so much fun, and Ray loved every second.

He loved being with Ryan so much. He just wished these times could continue forever.

 

A month passed with them going on dates every other day. Jack was the only one who approached Ray about it, asking him what exactly they were doing when they headed out. Ray could only chuckle, and blush as he answered.

“Well, I’m learning about the stars, and how to speak French,” he said, “Ryan’s a great teacher. It’s like school, but tons of more fun, more special I guess.”

Jack only smiled at that, and ruffled Ray’s hair, saying how he hopes they continue to have fun. That it continues to be special for Ray. He can't help but smile warmly at Jack, his encouragement and kind words making him feel so much better about everything.

 

Today was another date night. Ray sat on the couch, leaning on Ryan, who was reading something on his phone. Of course, Ray was playing on his 3DS, but occasionally he’d glance to watch Ryan’s face, watch as he bit his bottom lip, how his eyebrows gave away his emotions. He couldn’t help but smile, and snuggle a bit closer. Learning these small quirks, the small details about Ryan always made him a bit happier.

A few minutes passed before Ryan spoke up.

“I have a question,” Ryan began, and Ray looked up again, “For tonight’s date, do you think we could go somewhere else?”

“What’s wrong with Mount Chiliad?” Ray asked, and Ryan bit his bottom lip, so Ray quickly added, “I mean, we could go anywhere you want, but just curious.”

“I want to take you to a place that’s special to me,” Ryan said, smiling down at Ray, “It’s where I first learned about constellations. Would that be okay?”

Ray’s heart skipped a beat. A place special to Ryan.

“Dude, fuck yeah,” Ray said, “That’ll be awesome. I can’t wait.”

Ryan chuckled, and Ray’s heart was about to burst. God, how he loved that laugh.

 

“Good. I wanted tonight to be a bit different,” Ryan said, “In the meantime, where is everyone? I haven’t heard anything in a while.”

“Geoff is out with Jack to talk to Joel again,” Ray said, frowning, “Michael and Lindsay are talking to Burnie’s crew. Gavin is working with Kerry right now. They’re all busy with the thing.”

“You mean the new crew?” Ryan asked, and Ray nodded.

When Geoff first went to the meeting, he returned saying that it wasn’t anything to worry about. Something about the new crew getting on Joel’s nerves. But, that didn’t mean they weren’t worried. They all decided to keep in contact every so often, to discuss what to do. Matt Hullum was even brought in, and though he said he could care less, seeing as how they don’t have enough info on the crew, he promised to help figure this out when he could.

The only reason Ray and Ryan weren’t needed is because, well, what could they do? Ray was a sniper, he works undercover, which meant they needed to know who the people were. And Ryan was more of the muscle/threaten guy, the one they trusted to get info by being 'scary'. Obviously, no need to do that yet.

Ray didn’t mind, he got to spend more time with Ryan after all, but it still worried him that some new crew was causing this much trouble. He hoped that it would die down soon, and that everything could go back to normal.

 

“Who do you think it is?” Ray said, and Ryan shrugged.

“If anything, just a bunch of kids who got lucky,” Ryan said, “Or maybe some freelancers who decided to team up.”

“If they were freelancers, it makes a lot of sense as to how they got into Joel’s bank,” Ray murmured, “I highly doubt it’s some kids.”

“You never know,” Ryan said, before nudging Ray’s with his shoulder, “So far, they haven’t bugged us. We’ll be fine, besides, we got each other.”

Ray’s heart warmed at that. He smiled, and nudged Ryan back.

“R&R Connection baby,” he said, and Ryan laughed.

 

“R&R Connection all the way," he said, and Ray felt himself beam.

* * *

 

They waited until midnight before driving out. 

Ray would occasionally ask Ryan some silly question, or Ryan would make some joke about the others, causing Ray to laugh. The drive there was filled with humor and fun. 

They never stopped smiling.

When they arrived, Ray jumped out, and was surprised to see trees. Why, he wasn't sure, but he couldn’t help but look around in awe.

“Are we in a forest?” Ray asked, and Ryan chuckled.

“Something like that,” he said, “I came here a lot in the past. It’s quite, far from everything, and I always liked nature. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Nah,” Ray said, “Trees are cool.”

 

They sat down on the blanket, and Ryan began to point out constellations. Ray listened intently, leaning on the man, watching him point out the stars. It was always different, Ryan always had a new story. Ray doesn’t know how he does it, but he’s happy he does.

It’s about two hours later, when Ryan stopped talking. Ray looked to him, and realized he was biting his lip. He sat up straight, somewhat worried.

“Are you okay?” Ray asked, and Ryan chuckled, scratching the back of his head.

“Trying to think what French word I could teach you today,” he said, and Ray laughed.

“Dude, hit me with whatever you got. I’m ready,” he said, and Ryan turned to face Ray.

"You sure?" he asked, and Ray couldn't help but feel his heart stutter. Instead, he swallowed, and nodded. Ryan smiled softly.

 

“ _Qu'est-ce que je ferais sans toi_?” Ryan began, “ _Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi. Je veux être avec toi. Mon amour pour toi est aussi grand que le monde._ ”

Ray felt his heart swell, but he didn’t know why. The words were so beautiful.

“ _Je t’aime_ ,” Ryan said, and Ray froze.

He knew that word. Out of every French word Ray remembered, that was the one he remembered easily. After all, it was simple, but meant a lot to the one who said it. It meant a lot to the one who hears it. It was a special word, at least, that's what Ray thought.

He stared at Ryan, who was instead staring at the ground, blush evident. He knew he was blushing too, actually, but he couldn’t help it. He smiled.

 

“Did,” he began, surprised to hear his voice somewhat hoarse, “Did you just confess to me? In French?”

Ryan looked up at him, obviously shocked. He blushed even more, and scratched the back of his head, nodding.

Ray bursted into laughter at that, and though he felt bad, he couldn’t help it.

“That’s the most cheesiest thing I’ve ever had to live through!” Ray cried through the laughter, before smiling shyly at Ryan, “God, I can’t believe that just happened.”

“Are you mad?” Ryan asked, and Ray shook his head no, his smile hurting his cheeks.

“God no, I’m just so fucking surprised,” he said, “I didn’t expect that.”

 

“I know it’s sudden, and I know it’s a bit awkward, especially since I just threw it on you, and I understand if-” 

Ryan was cut off by Ray holding up his hand. The man paused, and Ray couldn't help but begin to giggle. Ryan just watched him with careful eyes.

“God, we’re so fucking pathetic,” Ray said, “I’ve been crushing on you so hard. Like, literally, it’s so gross how much I’m in love with you. And here, you just confess how you feel in French. This is like some sappy love story. And we’re criminals!”  
  
At first, Ryan's eyes widened in surprised, but he soon laughed. Ray couldn’t help but join in.

“I guess you’re right,” Ryan said, “It is kinda sappy. But it’s the truth."

 

He smiled softly at Ray, and took a deep breath. 

 

"Ray, I love you.”

 

Ray’s heart skipped a beat. In fact, Ray was pretty sure it stopped at this point.

But he smiled brightly at the man before him. All those worries, all that time spent wanting to make sure he never ruined his relationship with Ryan, it was all for nothing. In fact, he felt a bit silly worrying about it. But at the same time, he was happy right now.

  
“I love you too,” he finally said, and Ryan smiled.

 

“So I have a question,” Ryan began, and Ray couldn't help but chuckle.

“Yes?” he replied.

“Now what?”

“I don’t fucking know. I guess we're boyfriends now?”

“... I guess?”

They stared at each other, before dissolving into a fit of laughter. Ray leaned on Ryan again, and Ryan put his arm around Ray’s waist, pulling him closer.

 

“Weird question, but how long have you been in love with me?” Ray asked, and Ryan chuckled.

“To be honest, it was when we went on our first heist together,” Ryan said, “The one where it was just the two of us. We went to a safehouse, and you got kitten stickers-"

Ray chuckled, and Ryan smiled warmly before continuing.

"-and then you said you didn’t see me as a psychopath. That we were diary buddies. That’s when I thought that I wanted to let you into my life. I wanted to tell you everything, I wanted to be with you always."

He soon frowned though, and held Ray a bit tighter.

"But then I went too far and made you worry. I said too much, and in the end, you got hurt.”

“Dude, are you talking about the big heist?” Ray asked, “I told you, it’s fine. It nobody’s fault but mine.”

 

Ryan shook his head, and continued.

“Either way, I was so worried about you. I regret saying I wasn’t okay. I regret hurting you, I hated the fact that I made you cry-”

Ray groaned, and hugged Ryan tightly from the side. When he looked up, he grinned at Ryan’s dumbfounded face.

“It’s okay,” Ray said, “I’m okay. _We’re_ okay. Stop worrying about it, please. It's in the past.”

Ryan soon smiled, nodding, and hugged Ray back. Ray loved the warmth he gave off.

 

“What about you?” Ryan asked, and Ray grinned.

“To be honest, if it wasn’t for Gavin saying shit, I probably would of never realized I liked you,” Ray said, and Ryan pulled away, eyeing him curiously as he continued, “He said that we were like, more than friends. After that, I realized, damnit, Gavin’s actually right. I have the hots for you.”

Ryan chuckled, and Ray just smiled even more.

“Guess I gotta thank him then,” Ryan murmured, “As much as I hate the idea of having to thank him.”

“Nah, don’t,” Ray said, nuzzling his face into Ryan’s shoulder, “He doesn’t have to know it's thanks to him that we can finally do this.”

 

They spent around an hour cuddling. Just basking in the other’s presence, to be honest. Occasionally, Ryan would run his finger’s through Ray’s hair, and sometimes, he’d rub his thumb over Ray's knuckles. Ray enjoyed every moment. Ryan's touch was always gentle, sweet, and Ray loved it.

When they decided it was time to go home, Ray never left Ryan’s side. The only time he did was when he got in the car, but even after that, Ryan made sure that his free hand was holding Ray’s as they drove.

* * *

 

They returned home when the sun began to rise. Ray didn’t want to go to bed though, not yet. Not when he finally was a thing with Ryan. Instead, he lead the man out to the balcony, and holding his hand tightly, they stood leaning over the railing.

 

“Ryan?” Ray began, and the man next to him hummed, “I’m not really used to being in a relationship. Like, I’m not good with sappy, sweet things. I don’t want to mess this up.”

Ryan chuckled, and squeezed Ray’s hand tightly.

“You can’t ruin this relationship we created. I think that’s something you said to me long ago.”

Ray snorted, and laughed.

“I can’t believe it,” he said, “You actually remember that?”

“I told you,” Ryan said, “Those words made me fall in love with you.”

“I fucking love you man,” Ray murmured, and Ryan leaned in a bit closer to Ray.  
  
“I love you too,” Ryan murmured back.

 

They remained in silence, holding each other’s hand, before Ray spoke up.

“I know I said I’m not used to being in a relationship,” he began, “But I wanna try something. Could you... uh, close your eyes?”

Ryan smiled, and obeyed, closing his eyes. That was probably the first time in a while that Ray released the man’s hand, and instead cupped Ryan’s face.

 

Ryan was so fucking beautiful. Ray couldn’t help but be in awe.

 

He took a deep breath, and though he felt like his legs would give out at any moment, he leaned in, pressing his lips gently against Ryan’s.

Ryan's lips were rough, a bit chapped, but Ray loved them so much. Kissing Ryan felt right, it just fit. It felt perfect, to be honest, as if they were meant for each other. As sappy as that sounded, Ray couldn't help but smile into the kiss.

He felt Ryan’s arms wrap around his waist, and Ray couldn't help but shiver. Ryan's touch was always gentle. It made him feel safe, warm.

He felt Ryan kiss him back. He felt the man pressed his lips a bit more rougher than Ray expected (but he really liked it), he felt Ryan pull him in closer, and he realized just how much he loved this kiss. They remained like that for what felt like forever, and when they parted, they could only stare at the other, before smiling.

 

God, he was so in love.

 

“That was…” Ray began, but wasn’t able to continue. Ryan chuckled.

“That was something,” he murmured, and Ray buried his face into Ryan’s shoulder.

 

“I love you,” he said, and Ryan held him tightly.

 

"I love you too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you like it? could you tell i havent written a kiss scene in ages? haha <3;;
> 
> anyways, i'll see you all on friday!! thank you so much for your support, and i cant wait to show you what i have in store for our new couple!! <33


	16. Coming out the the Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aay so it's here. after the big kiss, we're finally moving onto bigger things. what's that you say? well, read to find out!! in other news, thank you so much for all of your support so far!! it means a lot to me, and i really appreciate it so much. i do hope i continue to please you all! <33
> 
> well, enjoy chapter 16!

Ray woke up to the smell of pancakes and bacon. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, before checking the time. Ten thirty in the morning. He groaned, and flopped back onto his bed. He probably got at least five hours of sleep, tops, and to be honest, he wasn’t as tired as he thought. But either way, he wished he could remain asleep.

That is, until he remembered what happened this morning. His face heated up, and he sat back up, rubbing his face. Getting out of bed, he stood there for a while, processing last night’s/morning’s events.

_So that happened._

Now the issue was, how was he gonna act towards Ryan now? They were a thing, which meant he should be somewhat loving? But at the same time, he doesn’t really do that. So would it be okay to act the same? Ryan said he understood, but at the same time, he didn’t know if that was fair to Ryan.

“Well, as I always say,” Ray murmured to himself, throwing his favorite hoodie on, “YOLO.”

 

He stepped out of his room, and headed to where the scent of food was coming from. Basically, the kitchen. Stepping in, Jack was receiving help from Michael per usual, both of them standing before the stove. Ray stepped over next to where Michael stood, and tried to peer over his shoulder at the food.

“Dude, food’s not ready yet,” Michael murmured, “Go chill with Gavin in the living room.”

“I’m fucking hungry man,” Ray groaned, “When’s it gonna be ready?”

“Soon? I don’t know, when Jack says it’s ready, like always?” Michael said, chuckling as he shook Ray off, “It’ll be ready soon. Just wait.”

“Fine,” Ray mumbled, and trecked into the living room.

 

Gavin sat on the couch, scrolling through his phone for once. Ray smiled, and plopped down beside the Brit.

“Morning Vav,” Ray said, and Gavin grinned.  
  
“Morning XRay,” he said, “How was your night?”  
  
“Pretty fucking good,” Ray murmured, “Y’know. I had a pretty nice night.”

“I bet, seeing as how you came home late with Ryan,” Gavin said, and Ray tried his best not to blush, instead smirking away the embarrassment.

“Fuck yeah man, he taught me more French, we saw some stars, pretty awesome,” Ray said, and the other frowned.

“What? But, I thought you were holding hands?” Gavin said, and Ray chuckled.

“Dude, we can’t hold hands? _Shit_ , didn’t know that was allowed,” he said, “Next time, I’ll be careful. Sorry Vav, hope I didn’t offend you.”

“What?! No, I mean,” Gavin begun to say, but was cut off when Ray felt lips pressed against the side of his head.

 

“Morning,” Ryan’s sleepy voice murmured to his ear, “How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good, you?” Ray asked, leaning back to kiss Ryan’s lips. The gent chuckled, and kissed him back, before pulling away to speak.

“Pretty good. Not bad considering we went to bed at maybe four in the morning.”

“I thought we went to bed around five,” Ray said, “Was it four?”

“I dunno, either way, I slept good,” Ryan said, smiling warmly, making Ray’s heart pound. God, he loved this man so much.

“Well, from what I heard, breakfast is soon, so you should chill with me and Vav on the couch,” Ray said, and Ryan chuckled.

“I suppose I will,” Ryan murmured, walking around the couch to sit beside Ray, “Seeing as how I’m starving for once.”

“Well, we’ll feast together,” Ray said, leaning on Ryan. The gent just chuckled, and wrapped an arm around Ray’s waist.

 

The two didn’t pay any mind to Gavin, who had been staring at them wide eyed as if they grown two heads. Ray, from the corner of his eye, could of sworn some color may of drained from the Brit’s face. He held in a laugh, and cuddled up to Ryan.

Food was soon served, and Ray sat up, his stomach growling. Ryan chuckled once again, and sat up as well, both taking their plates from Michael, who was trying to get Gavin’s attention.

“Gavin, Gavin, for fucks sake!! _Gavin_!!” Michael yelled, and finally the other snapped back to reality, and began to flail his arms, pointing at Ray and Ryan as he tried to speak.

“Michael! _Oh_ _Michael_ , boi, Ray has, Ray and _Ryan_ ,” he said, but ended up repeating himself, obviously flustered from what he witnessed. Finally, Ray laughed, tried so hard not to laugh any harder at Michael’s expression of confusion.

“Gavin, whatever the fuck it is, it can wait,” Michael said, shoving a plate into Gavin’s hands, “It’s breakfast. Eat up boi.”

“But Michael!! _Michael_ , Ray and Ryan-” Gavin tried again, but was cut off by Michael shoving a piece of bacon in his mouth. He made a choking noise, before biting down on it and chewing.

“ _It can wait_ ,” Michael repeated, “Food first. I’m starving boi.”

He sat on the loveseat next to Jack, who had helped himself to the food. Ray began to eat as well, knowing fully well Ryan beside him was eating as well. Gavin though, after chewing his bacon strip, sat there and stared at his food. A few moments passed, before the lad picked up his fork and dug in, scarfing down the food. Ray contained his smirk, and continued to eat.

“Where’s Geoff and Lindsay?” Ryan asked, and Jack shrugged.

“Geoff is probably sleeping in,” he said, “But I don’t know where Lindsay is. Michael?”

“She said she had some business with Meg,” Michael mumbled, mouth filled with a piece of pancake, “So she won’t be back until later. Said she’d eat somewhere with Meg or something.”

“I see,” Ryan murmured, “Good to know. How’s the research been going?”

“Fucking _great_ ,” Michael said, swallowing his food (thank fucking god), “We have no fucking idea who these jackasses are. They haven’t made a move yet either, so we’re stuck. Gavin, Miles and Kerry are all working on it, and they still can’t get anything new out of it.”

Gavin shrugged, continuing to eat, though Ray couldn’t help but notice him eyeing Ray and Ryan every so often. He _really_ enjoyed this.

“That, and Joel is on our asses wanting to figure out who fucked him over,” Michael continued, waving his fork around, “Saying shit how we need to work faster, how the bastards gotta pay, the usual bullshit. I fucking swear, he keeps it up, he’s gonna gain some wrinkles.”

“Sounds like Joel,” Ray murmured, and Ryan chuckled.

“Seriously, dude’s going batshit insane! I think we may finally see him age past mid twenties,” Michael said, and everyone laughed.

“Well, hopefully, we’ll figure things out and save ourselves from his bullshit,” Ryan said, “If anything, we should just ask other small gangs. Maybe they know something.”

“Psh, if we ask them, they’ll get all high and mighty,” Michael said, “Don’t wanna deal with that. I’d rather listen to Joel’s bullshit.”

“Your choice,” Ryan said, as he continued to eat. Ray grinned, and nudged the man with his shoulder. Ryan smiled, and nudged him back as well.

They all ate in silence after that (Gavin looked like he wanted to say something though), and once they were done, Ryan assisted Michael with taking the dishes back to the kitchen. Gavin sat twiddling his thumbs, as if waiting for Ray to say something. It was Jack who broke the silence though.

“So, you and Ryan?” he said, and Ray shrugged.

“Dude, he’s hot, I’m into that dork thing he’s got,” Ray said, and Jack chuckled. Gavin’s jaw dropped, and he looked surprised.

“I see, well, congratulations for finally having the balls to get together,” Jack said, and Ray grinned.

“Thanks Jack, it feels good, I got a hot boyfriend now,” he said, and Jack smiled. Gavin though sunk into the couch, arms crossed.

“Knew you were holding hands for a reason,” he mumbled, and Ray laughed, patting the lad’s shoulder.

“Sorry, I couldn’t help it,” Ray said, “I wanted to mess with you.”

“Rude,” Gavin grumbled, but smiled, “I’m happy for you though. Good job XRay.”

“Thanks Vav,” Ray said, and fistbumped the other.

Ryan returned, and sat beside Ray once more. Ray cuddled up to the man, and held the other’s hand smiling, feeling warm and content. Ryan smiled, and began to run his thumb over Ray’s knuckles. Gavin just huffed, smiling as he got up and headed down the hall. Jack smiled, and remained in his seat, pulling out his phone and doing god knows what on it.

“So, you tell Gavin yet?” Ryan murmured, and Ray nodded. The gent chuckled, and kissed the side of Ray’s head once more.

“Y’know, I noticed that you’re a huge kisser,” Ray mumbled, and Ryan hummed, “Like, we’ve only been dating for maybe ten hours? And you’ve kissed me like, three times.”

“Well, I’ve been kissing your head,” Ryan said, “You’ve kissed me on the lips twice.”

Ray blushed, but chuckled.

“Guess you’re right,” he murmured, “Can’t help it. Your lips look kissable.”

“Same goes for your head,” Ryan said, and Ray smiled.

“You two remind me of Gavin, Michael and Lindsay,” Jack said, not looking up from his phone, “For the love of god, take it to the bedroom.”

“Please never compare me to those three,” Ray groaned, “It’s so much more worse. So, _so_ much worse.”

“I agree, which is why I’m saying go to the bedroom for this shit,” Jack said, and both Ray and Ryan chuckled. They got up, and Ryan, holding Ray’s hand still, led him out to the balcony.

 

Once out there, the two leaned over the railing, Ryan continuing to rub his thumb over Ray’s fingers. They didn’t speak, there was no need too. They were perfectly happy with this silence.

Or, as Ray couldn’t help but note, _their_ silence _._

* * *

 

They returned inside after what they assumed an hour had passed. Once inside though, they were greeted by an angry Geoff, tapping his finger on the table as he held his phone in the other hand.

“No, I _don’t_ have any more information,” the gent said, sighing loudly, “If I _did_ , I would tell you, wouldn’t I Joel?”

Ray looked to Ryan, who shrugged. Ray looked back to Geoff now, who looked even more irritated.

“Listen, if I learn anything, I will tell you right _fucking_ away,” Geoff said, “Until then, I have shit to do. Goodbye.”

He hung up, and threw himself backwards into the couch cushion, groaning.

“Everything alright Geoff?” Ray asked, and Geoff shook his head no.

“Fucking Joel is being a little bitch, and I’m sick of it,” Geoff murmured, “He’s so fucking dumb. So, _so_ fucking dumb. I hate him. I fucking _hate_ him.”

“Uh, sorry to hear that?” Ray said, and Geoff looked over to the two of them. He smiled, though it looked tired.

“At least you two fucks are doing good,” he said, “Finally decided to stop dicking around and get on with it?”

“As a matter of fact, yet,” Ray said, “We did. Thanks for noticing Geoff.”

“Hard not too when you’re being so fucking oblivious,” Geoff murmured, “Fucking sucks ass though, I owe money to Jack.”

“How much, and why?” Ryan asked, smirking.

“Owe him twenty grand, and it’s cause I thought you guys wouldn’t hook up until next month. He said this month for sure you're gonna get on with it,” Geoff said, running a hand through his hair, “He’s going to be so fucking smug about it. God damnit.”

“Nice to know that our relationship status is worth twenty grand,” Ray said, as he led Ryan to the loveseat, plopping down into the cushion. Ryan sat beside him, and pulled the lad close, keeping him embraced in his arms. Geoff gagged.

 

“God, I could care less about you two, I just wanted the money,” he said, “Please stop being gross. It’s gross.”

“You can deal with the trio of gross, I’m sure this is fine,” Ray said, as he leaned into Ryan, smirking. Geoff rolled his eyes, sighing.

“If anything, I’m fucking immune to those three. I’ve seen shit. But you two, it’s a new thing. Gonna take me forever to get used to.”

“Well, suck it up,” Ray said, “Cause we’re here to stay.”

Ryan chuckled, and kissed the back on Ray’s neck. He shivered, but remained smiling. Geoff just gaged once more, and got up.

“Can’t even sit in my own fucking living room,” he grumbled, “Whatever. Congrats and all that bullshit, you cocksuckers. Happy for you, good for you, all that jazz.”

“Thanks Geoff,” Ray said, “Sorry we’re kicking you out of your living room.”

“Save it,” Geoff said, “You give less than two shits about this.”

Ray shrugged, and the gent just smiled before heading down the hall.

 

Ray turned slightly to face Ryan, who was smiling as well.

“Well, that’s everyone right?” Ray said, “I mean, Lindsay probably already knows from Gavin or Michael. So it’s everyone.”

“I suppose,” Ryan said, “Are you okay with this?”

“Hey, the sooner the better,” Ray said, “Less awkward.”

Ryan hummed, and nuzzled his face into the crook of Ray’s neck. Ray smiled, and relaxed in Ryan’s embrace. Though it was a bit embarrassing, and new as hell, he was pretty happy with this. To be honest, he was extremely happy with this.

But that was for him to know, and not anyone else.

 

Their peace was disturbed about thirty minutes later when Gavin burst into the living room, computer in hand, hair flying everywhere. His shirt looked like it had been crumpled up and discarded at first, then thrown back on, the buttons not in the correct places. Ray could only imagine what he had been doing earlier with Michael, who followed after, missing his shirt and looking just as bewildered as Gavin (fucking gross things is what).

“Where the bloody hell is Geoff?!” the Brit cried, “I need him!”

“Why, the fuck is happening Vav?” Ray asked, Ryan letting him go so he could stand up.

“I found something,” Gavin said, breathing hard, “Something big. It’s a location.”

Ray’s eyes widened, and he looked back at Ryan, who looked just a surprised.

“Guys, I may of found out where these guys are,” Gavin said, “We gotta tell everyone. _Now_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back! so as i said, finally moving onto bigger things!! which means next chapter, we meet every fucking one in this story. yay!! gonna be fun <33
> 
> see you all either sunday (if i post red cap) or monday (the official day of red cap posting)!! bye!! <33


	17. Bad Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone, this is a day late, and i apologize. personal life caught up, and i was stuck unable to do anything. i hope you can forgive me, and i hope this long chapter will make up for it.
> 
> so anyways, i hope you enjoy, and see you later <3

“So you’re telling me,” Geoff began, as he examined Gavin’s computer, “While you were letting your program scan some more coding, you found a possible location?"

Gavin nodded, as he rebuttoned his shirt and tried to straighten it. Geoff looked to Michael, who shrugged, as he typed something into his phone.

“Well,” Geoff said, as he examined it, “I guess we gotta call Burnie. This sucks fucking ass. I _just_ told Joel I had no new fucking information.”

“Will Matt be there too?” Jack asked, and Geoff only shrugged.

 

Ray looked down the hall where Ryan went, and sighed. When everyone had assembled, and Gavin began to explain how the program had possibly pinpointed the location where this new crew had shut down Joel’s bank, Ryan left to his room, to ‘prepare’. Even if he was showing his face to all of them, he continued to conceal his face out in public. Which meant Ryan would be in his mask for a long while.

_Just when things finally got good_ , Ray thought, as he focused back to the others.

“I’m gonna call Burnie, tell him to round everyone up so we can meet at his Warehouse,” Geoff said, as he pulled out his phone, “Michael, help Gavin pack up his shit. Jack, you do your thing, make sure those cars are ready for us.”

He looked to Ray last, with a pitiful expression.

“Sorry bud, but you and Ryan are coming too,” he said, “Bring your DS or something. We just need you there in case something else comes up.”

“It’s fine,” Ray said, shrugging, “Expected it. I have nothing better to do either.”

Geoff grinned, and headed out to the balcony. Ray sighed, and headed down the hallway, to his room. Once inside, he plopped down on the bed, and groaned.

“All I want is some fucking peace,” he grumbled to himself, “I don't want to have to deal with this shit. Fucking hell.”

 

He heard someone knock on his door, and forced himself to get up and answer.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” Ryan said, looking a bit surprised at seeing Ray, “I just wanted to see you. Was it a bad time?”

Ray couldn’t help but smile.

“Nah,” he murmured, “I was just moping. The usual. Wanna come in?”

Ryan shook his head no, and Ray rocked back on his heels. Well then.

“Just wanted to talk to you before I silence myself again,” he said, “As well as put on the mask. I really wish we could stay here, I like talking to you.”

“Same,” Ray said, chuckling, “But it’s our job. Maybe we can go to their bathroom and make out if it gets super shitty.”

Ryan laughed, and leaned it to press his forehead on Ray.

“I love you,” he murmured, “You always make situations better.”

“It’s what I do,” Ray said, “If it weren’t for me, we’d be pretty sad fucks.”

Ryan chuckled, and kissed Ray, before pulling away. Ray could only smile, before punching Ryan’s shoulder lightly.

 

“Hey, if anything,” Ray began, and couldn’t help but laugh slightly before continuing, “I can bring the diary, and we can communicate using that.”

Ryan smiled, and nodded.

“I would love that,” he said, “We’re still diary buddies?”

“Dude, even better!” Ray exclaimed, “We’re diary _boyfriends_. But that sounds hella cheesy, so yeah, diary buddies, we’re still diary buddies.”

Ryan laughed, and Ray just smiled triumphantly. Once the laughter ceased, Ryan leaned in once more to leave a quick peck on Ray’s lips, before waving goodbye and heading his way. Ray could only watch, before heading in and beginning to pack.

It was going to be a good day.

* * *

 

"What do you call a rooster with teeth?"

Geoff groaned.

"A cockbite. You guys really gotta change that thing, it's super fucking easy."

The door was opened, and before them stood Ashely, grinning.

"I know, but Burnie likes it. Hello Geoff, friends," she greeted them, before staring at Ryan, obviously surprised by the man, and obviously judging him, "Nice to meet you new person. Whatever. Come in. Burnie is _super_ excited to see you."

"Sure he is," Geoff grumbled, "He's excited to see me get fucked up mentally by Joel."

"That's true," Ashely said, grinning, "Make yourselves at home. Joel and Matt haven't come yet, so we're not really ready."

"How the fuck are we early," Michael asked, "Joel is usually here way before us."

"May or may not have been a communication error," she said, "We all wanted to prepare mentally, so, make what you will."

With that, Geoff laughed, and the mood was somewhat lighter.

 

The meeting room was really just a huge room that had a long fucking table on the left side with about ten chairs on each side of it, and a huge whiteboard at one end. There were also couches (one long three seater, and two loveseats, two single couches) in the middle, all facing a pretty gran TV, and a kitchen to the left, with a counter and some bar stools. This place was much bigger than Geoff's apartment, that's for sure.

Ray had taken a seat beside Ryan on one of the loveseats, unsure what to do. He watched as Michael, Jack and Gavin took their seats at the table, while Geoff stood by the whiteboard, arms crossed. Ashley sat at the opposite end of the three already at the table, next to Miles (who was typing away at his laptop) and Brandon (who was on his phone).

In the kitchen, he heard Barbara laugh at something, probably her own pun, and Blaine's loud groan, probably from the pun. He couldn't help but chuckle, knowing fully well how awful Barbara's puns were. 

After that though, it was quiet. He pulled his 3DS out, and began to play, ignoring what happened around him. 

A while passed, before Ryan tapped his shoulder, and made a gesture of writing. Ray smiled, and took their diary out, handing it to him. The man took it carefully, and began to write something down. Ray watched him, and soon was handed back the diary.

 

**Where are Gus and Burnie?**

Ray shrugged, and wrote his reply. Why he didn't just talk to Ryan, he didn't know. He just felt like writing.

 

~~**Where are Gus and Burnie?** ~~

**Probably jerking each other off. Or getting ready because Joel is coming. Probably both, they need to get their frustrations out before Joel gets here cause all he's gonna do is add more bullshit to their life.**

 

When he handed it back, Ryan's shoulders slumped, and he heard a small sigh leave the other's lips. Ray chuckled, proud of his own joke. And apparently, someone found it funny as well, because Ray heard laughter surprisingly close to them. He whipped around, and saw Adam Ellis, Joel's personal assistant, standing right behind them and reading their words.

Ray felt a bit violated, for the diary was something between Ray and Ryan, and so quickly covered it with his arms. Adam only laughed more.

"Dude, thats so fucking true, I'm not even mad," Adam said, "But don't tell my boss I said that, I like this job."

Ray just glared at him, and took the notebook and shut it. Adam though, not caring at all for Ray, slung his arm around Ryan's shoulder, grinning.

 

"Hello Vagabond, good to see you," he said, "How've you been doing? Cant believe you left us for this gang."

Ryan wrote something down on a scrap of paper, before holding it up for only Adam to see. The man chuckled.

"Harsh, but true."

More writing. Ray couldn't help but feel a bit left out. The note was held up for Adam only once more, and the man sighed, standing up straight.

"Whatever. Joel's coming soon, probably gonna ask some questions, bother poor Ray here. But just so you know, he still feels bad, even if he won't show it."

Ryan didn't write anything. Ray looked at him, tried to read his body language, but it felt like Ryan had built walls to keep everyone out. Including Ray.

He felt a bit lonely now.

 

Adam walked over to the table, and sat beside Jack, chatting about cars or something. Ray watched them, before returning his gaze on Ryan. He was hesitant at first, but carefully placed his hand over Ryan's, who jumped at the touch.

"You okay?" Ray asked. Ryan stared at him for a while, before nodding slowly.

He didn't believe him, but decided not to press further.

"I'll get you a glass of water, okay?" Ray murmured, squeezing Ryan's hand before getting up and leaving. He entered the kitchen, Blaine and Barbara no where to be seen, and began to prepare the drink.

That is, until he felt someone behind him, and whipped around. Behind him, Joel threw his hands up in the air, sighing loudly.

“God damnit! Thought I finally got you,” the man said, “Just as I was about to go _boo_ too! Why do you always ruin my fun.”

Ray just chuckled, crossing his arms.

“Nice to see you too Joel,” he said, and the man before him grinned.

“Hello Ray, haven’t broken any more vases have you? I’d hate for you to be in crippling debt again.”

“Okay, that was one fucking time, and it was also three years ago. At least I paid you back.”

“You always say that, you should change it up. It’s getting boring.”

 

Ray watched the gears in Joel’s head turn, before the man’s eyes lit up and he began to speak once more.

“Maybe something like, fuck off Joel,” he said, “Or like, Joel you’re an asshole.”

“Are you saying I should call you an asshole?” Ray asked, eyebrow raised, somewhat amused. Joel just chuckled.

“Listen, I know I’m an asshole, I take a ton of fucking pride from it,” he said, “It helps too, because nobody wants to mess with me.”

“Yeah, cause if we do, you usually spam our phones with messages and calls.”

“See, it works!”

 

Ray wanted to laugh, but could only smile and shake his head. Joel was the definition of a grown child. He was pretty intimidating when you first meet him, like a proper company head, but once you get to know him, jesus fucking christ. This man was super weird.

“Oh, hey, Joel, mind if I ask a question?” Ray began, and the man hummed before he continued, “Do you have any connections to Ry- Vagabond?”

Ray didn’t know if Joel was on first name basis with Ryan. Adam had used his code name after all, perhaps Joel was the same.

Joel frowned, placing his hands on his hips.

“Why do you want to know?” he asked, and Ray couldn’t help but feel like he struck a nerve.

“Uh, Adam was talking to him,” Ray murmured, “Said something about how you feel bad.”

Joel groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“What did I expect,” he grumbled, “He doesn’t fucking think sometimes, I swear.”

He now looked around, as if to make sure nobody was near, and then leaned in, his voice so low that Ray had to lean in himself to hear.

“I don’t really want to talk about, but since you already heard about it, let’s just say Ryan used to work for me, I fucked up and sent him on a bad mission, and now we’re kinda iffy around each other,” he murmured, “It fucked both of us up, but more him than me. I didn’t know what I was getting him into. So, I take the blame on that incident. You’re gonna have to hear the rest from him.”

Joel stood back straight, and shoved his hands in his pockets. Ray stood there, unsure how to feel now. Joel hadn’t shared much, but at the same time, he shared a lot. There was still so many things Ray wished to know though...

 

“Why would Ryan be not okay with robbing your bank?” Ray couldn’t help but ask, remembering this big heist where they hit one of Joel’s banks.

“Probably because anything relating to me, he doesn’t like,” Joel said, shrugging, “I don’t blame him. In fact, the fact he even entered a bank of mine shocked me. And yes, I know you fucks hit one of my banks. You’re lucky I was busy with the other fucking gang to even think of you.”

Ray chuckled, before murmuring a sorry, not sorry under his breath. Joel just rolled his eyes, and looked back at the room, possibly at Ryan.

“I really feel fucking bad,” he murmured, “But it’s in the past, and I can’t change shit. I can only hope he’ll be okay one day.”

He looked back at Ray, before grinning, and ruffling the man’s hair. Ray groaned, swatting his away, and fixed his hair.

“You’re an okay kid, maybe you’ll be able to help him,” Joel said, “I mean, as long as you don’t break his shit. Or, if he has one, his vase.”

“Wow, fucking really?” Ray asked, and Joel just chuckled, before waving and heading towards the table. Ray sighed, and returned to preparing the glass of water for Ryan.

When he returned, he sat down beside Ryan on the couch once more, and held the cup out for Ryan. The man took it, nodding once to signify his thanks, before pulling his mask a bit up to drink. Ray couldn’t help but notice he had his face paint on, and chuckled.

“You’re so weird, is it for the whole skull act, or do you actually like putting the facepaint on?” Ray asked, and Ryan smiled, holding up two fingers. Ray laughed now.

“Really?! Doesn’t it take time to do that shit?”

Ryan held up one finger, and then held up five, and Ray shook his head.

“So you’re telling me you spend fifteen minutes of your life to put facepaint on.”

Ryan nodded.

“You’re such a fucking dork,” Ray said, as he leaned it to kiss Ryan quickly on the lips. The man grinned, and reached out for Ray’s hand, interlocking their fingers. Ray felt his cheeks beginning to hurt from smiling so much.

“Ray! Meeting’s gonna start, you wanna join us at the table or are you gonna chill by the couches,” Geoff called out, and Ray looked to Ryan, who nodded.

“We’re coming, christ,” Ray murmured, standing up with Ryan, who held his hand still. They walked over to the table, and Ray sat beside Gavin, Ryan next to Ray. Geoff looked to Burnie, who was standing right beside him, before clearing his throat.

“Right, so, uh, this is a meeting,” Geoff began, before sighing, “I don’t know man. Gavin found a location, turns out it’s important, so we’re all here. And before you ask, you’re here because even if you’re police chief, and even if it’s bad for you to be seen with us criminals, you were the one who asked to be informed of any gang activity that affects the Big Five, so suck it up and just fucking listen Matt.”

The man in question just shrugged, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair.

“Anyways, Gavin found the location. Other than that, I don’t fucking know.”

“Well,” Burnie began, “I guess now it’s just who’s going to deal with it. Joel?”

“I have to manage a huge fucking company, and I don’t have time to send my guys out. Besides, unlike you two fuckers, I only got like, three men who know about this shit. By the way, Jeremy and Matt say hi Geoff.”

Geoff shrugged, and Burnie groaned.

“Alright, uh, Matt?” he said.

“The station doesn’t know anything about this new group, so to “blindly” send my men out there is stupid. One of you guys have to handle it, I’m staying out of it for now.”

Burnie just groaned even louder, scratching the back of his head. Geoff looked pretty nonchalant, eyes glazed over, obviously not paying attention.

 

“What if we just team up?” Brandon asked, “Geoff’s group can work with us?”

“Brandon, shut the fuck up, that’s a terrible fucking idea,” Gus said, “We work with Geoff, we’re going to end up with everything blown up and on fire.”

Michael chuckled, leaning back in his chair. Ray sighed. Of course that’s their reputation. Everything will end up blown up and on fire. _Amazing_.

 

“Geoff, I can’t send my men out there, you know that,” Burnie said, and Geoff glared at Burnie, crossing his arms.

“And why the fuck not? Why the fuck do I have to deal with this mess?”

“Because you know fully well what happened last fucking week, do you really think I can send everyone out again?!”

“Woah, wait, what the fuck happened?” Michael asked, “This is the first time I’m hearing about it.”

Burnie glared at Michael, before looking back at Geoff.

“You didn’t tell them?” he hissed, and Geoff shrugged.

“No reason to, it was your issue, and it doesn’t affect my crew.”

“Doesn’t affect your crew, fucking, you’re crew could be next!” Burnie yelled, and Geoff glared at him.  
  
“My crew is and will be fucking fine, so how about you calm the fuck down-”

“How about someone explain what the fuck happened, and why we’re apparently next,” Michael yelled, louder than ever, standing up. Burnie looked to Gus, who only nodded.

 

“Fine,” Burnie hissed, “I don’t know why you’re fucking boss didn’t tell you shit, but last week, on a heist, we got jumped. Halfway through, all the sudden, some guys show up, and as much as I hate to admit it, they beat us pretty good. Which means this group is testing us, testing the Big Five. You don’t hit Joel’s bank, go quiet, and then hit my gang when we pop up for no reason. They obviously know what the fuck they’re doing.”

“Which is why I will not send my men out for you,” Geoff said, “I will not risk their lives to fix this big fucking shit pile. The only thing I will do is get Gavin to help you, and maybe have my group go and get info, but I _won’t_ be sending them out for you.”

“How about you put your fucking ego away and help because this shit can affect you later too-” Burnie began, before Michael’s phone rang, interuppting him. Everyone looked to him, obviously annoyed he left it on, but he pulled it out, uncaring, and answered.

“Hello?” he began, and Burnie opened his mouth to begin saying something, but Geoff held a hand out, silencing him. Michael listened, and Ray watched as his expression turned dark.  
“Are you on your way here now?” he asked, and Ray looked to Gavin, who only shrugged, though he looked very, very concerned.

“Calm down, it’s okay, just, bring her here, I’ll call Caleb and Griffon, they’ll fix her up,” Michael said through his teeth, “She’ll be fine. She’s tough, I would know. It’s okay.”

Gavin stood up now, and headed over to Michael. Michael didn’t even look at him.

“Okay. Tell her Gavin and I love her too, we’ll be waiting for her here,” Michael murmured, “Okay. Thank you Meg. It’s going to be okay.”

With that, he hung up. Gavin had tears swelling in the corner of his eyes, and Ray didn’t even need to hear the explanation, because he knows what happened.

Everyone knew.

“Why didn’t you tell us,” Michael began, before storming up to Geoff, grabbing his by the collar of his shirt, “Why didn’t you fucking tell us they’re attacking the Big Five?! Why?! Now Lindsay’s hurt, now they’re aiming for us Geoff!”  
  


Geoff didn’t move, but Jack and Gavin did, trying to pry the red-head off Geoff. Ray and Ryan stood up, in case they were needed.

“I didn’t think we needed to worry,” Geoff murmured, and Michael scoffed.

“No need to fucking worry?! Geoff, we know absolutely fucking nothing about these people, and we didn’t even fucking know they jumped the other gang! What were you thinking?!”

“I was thinking you could all handle it, if you got jumped, you’d be fine!” Geoff yelled, pushing Michael off of him, only to have Burnie and Gus hold him back from furthering the fight.

Michael struggled in Jack and Gavin's grasp, before breaking free and landing a punch on Geoff’s face. Ryan stepped in now, and grabbed Michael, throwing him back towards Jack and Gavin. They caught him, but Ray couldn’t help but notice Michael’s furious glare towards Ryan.

“Calm the fuck down!” Burnie yelled, as he was replaced by Blaine, who was enough to hold Geoff back. Gus remained close by though, just in case. Michael now continued to glare at Geoff, who glared back. Burnie sighed, before facing the side of the table where his own crew sat at.

“Barbara, call Caleb and get him to get over here ASAP. Brandon, you call Griffon, and tell her to bring her medical kit, and to get her fucking husband to calm the fuck down. Miles, check our systems, make sure they haven’t been hit, and Ashley, wait for Meg. She’ll be needing you.”

They all went their way after that, Ray watching them before returning his focus to the scene before him. Michael shook Gavin and Jack off him, and stormed off, to some room inside this warehouse. Geoff was released by Blaine, who looked to his men, before heading his way as well. Gavin took a seat back at the table, and Jack sighed loudly, going after Geoff. Ray looked to Ryan, who looked back at him.

 

“Well,” Joel began, voice grim, “Obviously this shit affects everyone now. The question is though, how _badly_ will it affect everyone.”

Ray couldn't help but feel as if that were a bad omen of sorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back! <3
> 
> introducing all at the same time, burnie and gus's team, joel, and matt! in case things were confusing/hard to get (because i feel really out of it and im not sure if this chapter was good), matt hullum is chief of police, joel runs golden industries banks, and gus and burnie have the gang "cockbites". 
> 
> i cant wait to go into this arc, as well as character development, and i hope you look forward to it too! see you whenever i can update! <3;;


	18. Have I changed?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends! it's been a while!! im so happy i finally wrote this, and that i'm finally able to post this. we're getting so close to the crucial, important chapter that i really want to write. i hope you look forward to it!
> 
> quick update though: so school is starting for me next monday! so i won't be able to upload on a set schedule. it will be random updates, which i hate to do, but i have no idea how this year will play out...   
> if anything, i promise to post things on wednesdays!! i hope y'all understand.  
> also important - i've put rotting lungs on hitaus until this fic is done. i wish to devote my time to this fic, especially since crucial, important scenes are coming up. i don't want them to be bad. so i do hope you understand, and continue to support this, and rotting lungs when that starts up again!! <333
> 
> well, please enjoy chapter 18! <33

The scent of blood hit Ray first before he saw them bring her in.

He didn’t look. From the corner of his eye, he saw her limping, laughing as usual, despite being covered in the blood. He saw a huge gash on her arm, and yet her voice was cheery.

All he could do was bury his face in Ryan’s chest, and allow the man to pull him in closer, allow him to hide from the world.

 

After the fight, he didn’t want to function. So he begged Ryan to stay with him, to allow Ray his presence. Being the sweetheart he is, he did what Ray asked of him. When he sat down on the couch, Ray sat beside him, but as time passed, eventually Ray ended up on top of Ryan, resting his head on his chest. He was thankful now that he did so, because he could rest feeling safe.

He heard people come and go, he heard Gavin and Meg talk, Michael on the phone, Jack come in and ask Ryan something. But Ray couldn’t register anything they said. In fact, he lost track of time, and didn’t even realize how late it was until he heard a someone call out to him.

“Ray,” the voice murmured, “Get up. Geoff wants to talk to you.”

Ray sat up, groggy, not feeling well. He looked at his boyfriend, surprised to see the mask slightly raised. Ryan smiled gently, and pressed his lips on Ray’s forehead, and Ray couldn’t help but lean in, the kiss helping him to function again.

“Ray,” Geoff’s voice now filled his head, and so he looked to the tattooed man, only to find himself staring at an exhausted, possibly broken man, “You’re coming with me to the meeting.”

Ray looked to Ryan, who nodded, urging him to go. So he got up, and began to follow Geoff, looking back once at his boyfriend who continued to smile.

 

Ray felt extremely alone when he turned back to Geoff.

 

“Why me?” Ray asked, “Doesn’t Jack or Michael tag along for this kind of thing?”

Geoff stopped, and Ray almost ran into him.

“That's a stupid fucking question,” Geoff murmured, turning to face Ray with eyes filled with anger, “I wanted to bring someone who I _don’t_ want to shoot in the fucking face at the moment, and you're the only one that I trust enough at the moment to bring with me. So just hurry the pace up.”

Ray felt a shiver run up his spine, and his mind screamed at him to run. But instead, he nodded, and followed his boss, curious as to what exactly happened to drive Geoff to this point.

When they entered the room, already Burnie, Matt, and Joel sat, each with their own escorts. Ray stood behind Geoff’s chair, and looked to the other escorts nervously. Only Adam waved at him, smiling pitifully, as if sympathetic for Ray.

“This is new, no Jack or Michael today?” Joel asked, grinning, “I mean, it's great, I love Ray! You should really give him to me when you don’t need him for anything.”

“Save it, before I decide to shoot you,” Geoff grumbled, rubbing his face with his hands. Joel just shrugged, as he leaned back in his chair.

“Alright, before shit gets worse, we have to figure out what to do,” Burnie said, “Obviously, this issue affects all of us, these guys are targeting our men.”

“Yeah, no shit Sherlock,” Geoff snapped, and Ray couldn’t help but want to ask Geoff to (politely) shut up.

 

Burnie just glared at him, before sighing.

“If anything, it’s just a problem as to who’s next. Either my gang again, or Geoff’s. I don’t think they’ll attack Joel’s men, they’re under the radar, nobody knows about them but us.”

“You three are the only idiots who decided to put yourselves out there,” Joel said, “I started a decent company as time passed and kept my best men secret."

"Still don't understand why you're in trouble half the time," Matt murmured, and Joel grinned.

"Just cause I like to run a business doesn’t mean I can’t have some fun every now and then.”

“What do you do, go and rob your rival’s banks?” Gus asked, Ray wondering why he wasn't sitting alongside them, being one of the Big Five as well. Was it because of Burnie and Gus's alliance? Was Gus now Burnie's subordinate? Joel's chuckle made Ray refocus on the conversation.

“Like I said, I like to have some fun every now and then. Besides, the only one who isn’t doing illegal shit here is Matt.”

“That’s because I’m police chief, I’m supposed to arrest you idiots,” Matt snapped, leaning forward now, “You’re lucky I have two men with me who know about this shit. If not, you’d all be in jail or dead.”

“I _know_ , jesus Matt,” Joel said, “You used to be so much more fun. Now you're all business and shit. It's a huge downer."

"Maybe you should shape up too, youre head of a huge corporate business."

"Nah, not my cup of tea. I like to fuck people over some days. It's a good stress reliever-"

"Can we _please_ get back to the issue at hand?!"

 

Everyone turned to face Burnie, who looked extremely irritated. Ray looked down at Geoff, who seemed unfazed, though he was giving his full attention to the man. Ray sighed, before looking up to watch Burnie, make sure he didn't try anything (he knew he wouldn't, but you can't be too sure).

"Geoff, I hate to say this, but maybe we should work together?" Burnie began, "I mean, we’d be safer in numbers, and we both know how to-”

“All we’ll do is make ourselves an easier target,” Geoff snapped, and Ray couldn’t help but take a step back, Geoff’s tone terrifying him, “Larger the group, easier to target. Once they realize we’re together, they’ll come to try and knock us out in one go.”

“So what do _you_ suggest?! Look, I’m sorry you’re fighting with Michael and Jack, but that’s not my fucking fault. Either you suck it up, or continue to mope around and allow more of your men to get hurt.”

 

The air became heavy. Ray looked to Joel, who for once looked serious, watching everyone in front of him. When he looked at Ray though, his expression softened, and he shrugged, mouthing a ‘sorry’ before returning his gaze to the others.

“Obviously we can’t hold a fucking meeting right now,” Matt grumbled, standing up, “Look, it’s four in the afternoon. You have two hours to come up with something before I go home, otherwise, don’t talk to me.”

And with that, he took his leave, his escort following him. Joel sighed, and stood up as well.

“Well, as much as I enjoy watching you two fight, I’m going to take my leave as well. Be seeing you around Ray.”

And he left, Adam following, waving a goodbye to Ray as they left. Burnie sighed, getting up as well, and walking out the room with Gus beside him.

With that, Ray was left with Geoff.

 

“Uh, Geoff, should I leave?” Ray asked, wanting to flee as soon as possible. But Geoff sat there, leaning back in his chair, motionless. Ray wondered if he heard him.

“Geoff? You okay-”

“Jack thinks I’m a selfish bastard right now,” Geoff murmured, “Because I thought we were capable of handling ourselves. Said he couldn’t believe how stupid I’ve gotten over the years. Can you believe it? My partner since the beginning _and_ best friend got pissed because I thought we would be okay.”

Ray didn’t know what to do. He just stood beside Geoff’s chair, watching the man in front of him as he wiped his face, looking defeated. Something Ray rarely saw.

“I get why everyone’s mad. I know I fucked up. But I really believed we would be okay, we always are. Was it so wrong to think like that? Was it wrong to think that we could handle ourselves just fine even with this fucking new gang on our asses?”

“I-I don’t know Geoff, I don’t think there was anything we could’ve done.”

Geoff just sighed, and looked to the side.

“Well, we’ll see what happens now. Sorry, Ray, can you leave me alone?”

Ray just nodded, and left. He didn’t look back, even as he heard a small sob escape from Geoff’s lips, even though he saw from the corner of his eye tears roll down his boss’s face. He was told to leave him alone after all.

 

It killed Ray that the team was falling apart.

* * *

 

Ray didn’t find Ryan when he returned. Instead, Jack sat on the couch, texting someone. Ray just stood there, before clearing his throat.

“Uh,” he began, “Hi Jack.”

Jack looked up, and smiled a small, tired smile.

“Hello Ray,” he said, “I guess you went to the meeting with Geoff?”

Ray nodded, and Jack sighed, his grip on his phone tightening. Ray watched his hands, before returning his focus on the man’s face.

“It sucks when you realize how old you are,” he murmured, “You get comfortable, stop thinking of the risks. I’ve watched Geoff slowly care less and less about crucial things, things that can prevent injury, death. _I_ started to stop caring too, and it’s only now that I realize how fucked up shit is.”

 

He stood up, and sighed loudly, before ruffling Ray’s hair.

“I know it’s tough for you, since you’re, well, you. You’re always stuck in the middle of these stupid fights. Sorry Ray. I hope you’ll be okay.”

“I’ll be fine,” Ray grumbled, fixing his hair, “If anything, I just want everyone to stop fighting. Like, yeah, it sucks a lot Lindsay is hurt, but getting mad at one another won’t fix shit.”

“ _But_ , if Michael hadn’t done that, for sure Gavin would of broken down and made things worse,” Jack said, “Michael is just trying to make things more bearable. But, I know that rage was entirely made up, and I agree with him even if it was. Geoff should’ve warned us.”

“And if it didn’t work?” Ray asked, “Even if he warned us, could we have prevented this? Maybe Lindsay wouldn’t of gotten badly hurt, maybe she would of taken someone with her, but they still would of attacked. I guess what I'm trying to say is that now we know. Now we have to be careful.”

Jack stared down at Ray, and Ray stared back. He watched the man break into a smile, shaking his head and sighing.

“Since when did you begin talking like this?” he asks, “Don’t get me wrong, it’s good. You’ve changed Ray. Especially since Ryan came, you’ve become different. I’m happy for you.”

Ray just grinned, and Jack waved goodbye, heading down the hallway Ray came from. He could only hope Jack was going to talk to Geoff, maybe apologize. He didn’t want to have to deal with this anymore.

 

He took his phone out, and began to text Ryan.

 

**self** **:** _hey, where are you?_

 

He waited for a few seconds, before watching the small speech bubble pop up.

 

**ryan <3 <3 <3:** _Went out for a smoke. Sorry, didn’t know you would be back so soon. I’ll come back inside quick._

 

Ray smiled, and sat down. As he waited though, he thought about Jack’s words.

Had he really changed? Granted, he knew he was different, especially since he was with Ryan now. But, at the same time, was it _that_ noticeable? Would this change be good, or would it be bad?

That was probably the one thing Ray worried about the most. If anything, he didn’t want this change to affect his and Ryan’s relationship. He didn’t want it to affect his and anyone’s relationship, in fact.

He sat there, deep in thought, before snapping back into reality when Ryan popped up in front of him, skull mask on per usual. It didn’t even faze Ray.

“Aw, that’s a bit boring,” Ryan murmured, and Ray just chuckled.

“Sorry babe, I guess I got used to it.”

“Nobody gets used to this. I’ll get you somehow, watch.”

Ray just laughed, and pulled Ryan down onto the couch, cuddling up to him. Ryan lifted his mask slightly to expose his mouth before wrapping his arms around the other, and planting kisses on the crown of Ray’s head.

They remained there for a while, enjoying the silence, enjoying their moment.

 

“Ryan?” Ray began, and the man hummed before he continued, “Have I changed?”

Ryan was silent for a bit.

“Yes,” he finally said, “You have changed. Why?”

“Do you think it’s a good change, or a really fucking bad one.”

“I think it’s good. A very good change.”

“But what if I fuck up? What if I get comfortable and-”

 

“Did you talk to Geoff or Jack?” Ryan cut in, and Ray could only nod, confused. The man sighed.

“Of course. You say the same things they do when we discuss things. Can’t get too comfortable, can't do this, the usual."

Ryan was silent once more, and Ray couldn't help but wonder what went through his mind.

 

"Ray," he began, "Look at me.”

Ray watched as Ryan took his mask off, the face paint underneath smudged, but he still looked attractive all the same. Ray’s breath hitched, he couldn’t look away.

“Ray, you can’t worry about this,” Ryan murmured, “What’s happening now, _nobody_ can predict. All we can do is act brave, put on a strong front, and not allow us to get beaten. You have to be strong, for me, for everyone, and for yourself. Do you understand?”

Ray nodded. Ryan soon smiled, and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss on Ray’s lips. Ray savored it, but when he pulled away, Ray desperately wanted to reach out once more.

 

“Ryan?” Ray began, and Ryan just watched Ray as he continued, “What if I can’t be strong? What if I fuck up, and someone gets hurt because of me? What if I-”

“If that happens, you move on,” Ryan said, cutting Ray off, “But it won’t. You have to be strong, you have to make sure that doesn’t happen. Ray, you’re strong. Stop doubting yourself.”

 

_... He remembers the yelling in his ear, begging him to shoot. The fear he felt from watching his best friend on the ground, surrounded in a pool of blood. He remembers the face of the man who inflicted the pain, who looked straight at him, as if he knew that he wouldn’t shoot ..._

Ray swallowed, and nodded. Ryan smiled, and held Ray’s hands.

“You’re the best shot I know,” he murmured, “You’re amazing Ray, believe me. Just breathe.”

_... Ray remembers firing the gun, but missing. His hands won’t stop shaking, and yet his entire body feels numb. He remembers the cold, rough hands that wrapped around his throat, as he struggled to breathe, unable to see through the tears clouding his vision ..._

Ray nods once more, before looking straight into Ryan’s eyes.

 

_... The last thing he remembered was how he wished he could see blue eyes once more, instead of dark, murderous ones ..._

“You have very pretty blue eyes,” Ray can’t help but mumble, taking Ryan by surprise. The man just laughs though, and leans in, pressing his forehead on Ray’s.

“Well, I’m glad you find them pretty,” he says, “I love you Ray.”

 

_... He wished he was stronger._

 

“I love you too Ryan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back!!
> 
> so if you didn't notice, this chapter was a bit shorter than usual. this is because i wanted this to be a lead in to the next chapter, to set up everything and show that it's finally happening <3;;
> 
> i cant wait to go into the next few chapters, and i hope you are as well!! <33  
> also, as each chapter is uploaded, i will put warnings at the beginning notes, just to make sure everyone is okay. the tags have been edited as well to already show what will happen, as a early warning.
> 
> see you all next chapter!! <33
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	19. My Best Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!! school has started for me, but i managed to whip this up!! chapter 19, i do hope you enjoy!! <3
> 
> by the way, thank you so so much for your support!! every kudo, every comment, and every bookmark make me feel so happy, im so happy you all enjoy the fic so much!! thank you thank you!! <3333

A week passed, and nothing got better. Michael was either out or in his room, avoiding all contact. Gavin would remain by himself in the living room, working away on his computer, picking up his bad habits once more. No matter how many times Ray tried to get Gavin’s attention, the lad brushed him off, ignored him.

Geoff was a bit more lively, but not by much. He would crack a small joke, smile a little, but if anything, Ray felt like it was all forced.

 

He didn’t talk to Jack at all either.

 

In fact, Ray noticed that Jack wasn’t at home much. Most likely he was with Caiti, spending time away from the gang, _away_ from Geoff.

The only person Ray was able to talk to was Ryan. They spent most of their time together, playing video games, chatting, and of course, using the diary. His time with Ryan helped Ray focus on the better things, it helped him ignore the terrible reality.

 

It was two weeks later that Ray spoke to someone other than Ryan.

 

Michael came out of his room, Ray recognized him from his footsteps, and before he knew it, he looked up from his game at Michael.

The redhead was tired. There were bags under his eyes, and for once, he was wearing glasses.

If anything, Ray questioned why he was out here in the first place.

 

"Sup," Michael said, "Wanna go out?"

"Dude, that's a bit straight forward," Ray said, unable to help himself from the joke, "I thought we were both taken men?"

That earned him a small chuckle. He grinned, before getting up.

"Anyways, yeah, I'll tag along. Where are we going?"

"Lunch," Michael grabbed his keys, "I'll drive, since the only thing you can drive well is a fucking motorcycle."

Ray just shrugged, following his friend to the garage and into the car.

 

They drove off in a moderate speed, something Ray rarely saw Michael do. He couldn't help but stare at his friend, unsure what to say.

"You'll suck at poker," Michael murmured, "I can read your expression so fuckin' easily. Dude, I'm fine, why else would I go out with you?"

"Well, we're not playing poker right now," Ray said, "I dunno. Everything is just so fucking wrong with the gang. It's like day one all over again."

"Day one for you, or day one after the incident?"

 

Ray didn't have an answer. Michael sighed.

"Look, I have every reason to be fucking pissed at Geoff," he said, "My wife was cut up, beaten down, something that never happens. Plus, better me than Gavin, he'll make things a thousand times worse."

"He won't get off the laptop," Ray murmured, and he saw from the corner of his eye Michael's grip on the wheel tighten.

"I talked to him about that, tried to stop him. But he just snapped and said I should mind my own business, that he's not going to do anything stupid. Ha, yeah right."

"Michael..."

 

"He brought up Dan."

 

Ray looked away.

“That bad, huh."

“Look, let’s change the subject,” Michael snapped, “I came out to have a good time with my best friend. Not get all depressed over shit I can’t control.”

“Alright. That’s fine. We’ll talk about it when you feel like it,” Ray said, sighing, “So, did you do anything new?”

Michael grinned.

 

“Dude, I got so many fucking achievements.”

* * *

 

“I’m telling you, that’s the _only_ way to beat that fucking level!” Michael yelled, stabbing his fork in his chicken, “It’s absolute bullshit, but that is the only fucking way.”

“Nope, it’s not the only way,” Ray said, as took another bite of his sandwich, and continued speaking by shoving the food into the side of his mouth, “You can beat it easily.”

“One, you’re fucking gross, swallow your food, and two, no way, absolute bullshit.”

“I’m telling you, I’ll show you when we get back.”

 

Michael just chuckled, and Ray grinned. They had been discussing many video games during this lunch date, ignoring all the looks they got from the other guests as they fought about different stages and their difficulty. It was a nice change of pace, it was fun talking to Michael once again.

“Dude, by the way, let’s go to the pier after this,” Michael said, eyes shining like a child’s, “I’m in the mood for shitty roller coasters and ferris wheels.”

“This is becoming more and more gayer,” Ray said, and Michael laughed.

“Dude, we’re so fucking gay, you know that.”

“Nah man, no homo.”

“Oh really?”

“Okay, maybe some homo, we're both hella gay after all.”

 

Michael laughed even more, curling up a little, tears swelling from his eyes.

“Jesus Ray, some homo?!” he asked, “Dude, nobody says hella gay anymore."

"Uh, everyone does," Ray retorted, trying hard not smile but failing, "It's very popular to say you're hella gay."

"Sure, on twitter or something, but I highly doubt anyone will ever say to you that they are 'hella gay' Ray."

Ray just flung a piece of bread at Michael, and the lad mimicked his action by throwing a piece of chicken at Ray. They cheered when Ray managed to nab the chicken out of the air and eat it, before leaving, ignoring the angry hushed words of other guests.

 

They walked to the pier, having no reason to drive seeing as how it was a fifteen minute walk. As they passed through town, Ray couldn't help but find how silly it was that two notorious killers walked about town, yet nobody noticed. Code names and stupid masks did wonders, even if news reporters caught one of them halfway through saying a name (it was usually Gavin, forgetting to call Michael Mogar or something. He's gotten chewed out plenty).

"Say," Michael began, interrupting Ray's thoughts, "How have things been with Ryan? You seem happier with him."

Ryan's face popped in his head, and Ray smiled warmly.

"Things have been honestly amazing with him," Ray murmured, "I love him a ton. He's fucking weird, but..."

Ray laughed, embarrassed at what he wanted to say.

"I dunno, he's the perfect guy for me. Like, soulmate status I guess, we're connected in some way."

 

Michael grinned, slapping his friend's back lightly.

"Good for you then," he said, "I mean, you guys clicked easily when he joined, only has been like half a year. I'm pretty happy for you."

"It's not like we're super solid dude," Ray said, unable to stop himself from blushing, "I mean, like you said, only half a year. It's not like you or Lindsay, who've known each other for like, four or five years. We still got a long way to go."

"Well, are you happy?" Michael asked.

"What?"

"I asked if you were happy."

"Uh, dude, fucking really?"

"Well?"

"Of course I'm happy!" Ray almost yelled, but convinced himself to remain at a moderate tone, "I'm super fucking happy."

 

Michael smiled.

"Don't worry so much then. Half a year is just as memorable as four years. If you love him, enjoy your time together, don't worry about stupid shit like that."

Ray felt confused, but at the same time, Michael's words made him feel relieved in some weird way. As if that worry had been eating away in the back of his mind without him realizing. And he couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Michael asked, obviously confused, and Ray just laughed a bit harder.

"No, it's just," Ray took a deep breath to calm himself, "I guess it's just weird how you always seem to know what I need to hear the most."

"Psh, really? _Wow_ , uh," Michael scratched the back of his head, "You're welcome I guess? I dunno, that's just common sense to me."

"Thanks anyways."

"No problem-o."

 

They were now at the pier, and Michael dragged Ray to every shitty ride at this place. They played some of the booth games (Michael abused Ray's shooting abilities and made him get a huge fucking stuffed animal for Lindsay) and ate some shitty food. This place was overall shitty.

 

But Ray had so much fun. Not once did he think his time with Michael was boring.

 

"That rollercoaster sucked ass," Michael said, as he snickered at some poor guy throwing up in a trash can, "My car goes so much faster."

"Everything you own goes fucking fast," Ray grumbled, twisting to pop his back, "Those seats were the biggest issue. I feel like my back is fucked up forever."

"Whatever, let's go on the ferris wheel," Michael said, grabbing Ray and dragging him along, "Also, where the fuck is the bear?"

"I had the booth guy hold onto it for us," Ray said, "And if he says he hasn't seen us before like some jackass, I'll just deck him in the face and run."

"That's sounds great. Anyways, hurry the fuck up, I'd like to get on today."

 

And so they got on, sat facing each other, the ferris wheel creaking as it begun to move.

It was a very relaxing ride. Ray watched as they rose up, enjoying the sunset.

 

When had it gotten so late?

 

He checked his phone, and saw a text message from Ryan.

 

**Rye-Bread <3 <3 <3:** _I heard you're out with Michael. Have fun!! Tell me about it when you get home :)_

Ray smiled, and put his phone away. Michael chuckled.

"That's cute," he murmured, and Ray just rolled his eyes.

"It's not cute, it's fucking adorable man."

Michael laughed, before looking out at the view. Ray looked out the same way, and watched the sun sink into the sea.

 

"Caleb told me Lindsay is going to be okay," Michael suddenly started, resting his chin in the palm on his hand as he continued to stare out at the ocean, "She got beat up pretty good though, guess the guy had a knife. She said he was small though, and looked scared if anything. Said he probably wasn't someone on the main field a lot."

"So the gang is inexperienced?" Ray asked.

"That, or whoever is leading them doesn't give a shit about their positions," Michael murmured, face looking grave, "It's like asking you to go in and shoot someone point blank. That won't happen. You respect your gang, and shit works. You can't force them to do anything."

Ray was silent.

 

Michael closed his eyes, and sighed.

"Do you think Gavin wishes I was Dan?" he asked, and Ray's head snapped to the lad.

"Don't say that," he said, but Michael just chuckled.

"For real though, when shit gets bad like this, he starts bringing up Dan. Starts mumbling about Dan, looking at old pictures. Ha, if I were Dan, would this be easier on him?"

"Michael..."

"Or, even better! If I were still in that gang, do you think-"

 

"Michael _fucking_ Jones, shut the _fuck_ up before I punch you in the _fucking_ face!!"

 

The outburst was loud, it hurt Ray’s throat, but he didn’t care. Breathing heavily, fists clenched tightly, he felt his nails dig into his skin, the pain helping him remain somewhat cool. Michael just stared at his friend, wide eyed, surprised.

"If you were still in that fucking gang, you'd still be miserable and unable to function, you wouldn’t _be_ here even, I wouldn’t even get to know you like this!” Ray said, though it became more of a shout near the end, “So if you think Gavin _fucking_ Free gives a shit if you are Dan or not, and if you ever fucking think you should’ve stayed in that fucking gang for some god forsaken reason, I swear to god I will personally beat you up so fucking bad that you can’t speak for the next fucking month!!’

Michael looked dumbfounded really. But Ray was on a roll, he wasn’t going to stop here. He had to get his point across.

“You are my best friend in the whole wide world. I’ve known you for so long, and I fucking _know_ you were miserable, I _fucking_ know you wanted something different, and now that you have it, don’t ever think that in order to make things better, you need to be someone different, or that you need to go back to being some… some… some goddamn mind controlled _thing_!!”

Michael had tears swelling in his eyes.

“Gavin is just fucking dumb, he gets all moody when shit gets bad, you know that! Don’t _ever_ fucking think he wants you to be Dan though, jesus, that’s the one thing he doesn’t want!! And don’t ever, ever fucking think you should go back to that gang so you can please whoever, so you can make shit better by obeying, because you can’t!! You’re _you_ , you are Michael _fucking_ Jones, so if I ever fucking hear you say this bullshit again I fucking-”

 

“I’m sorry,” Michael cried, big fat tears rolling down his eyes, “I’m sorry Ray. I didn’t… I didn’t mean for this… I didn’t want to-”

Ray just hugged his friend, squeezing him tightly, trying hard to remain strong.

“It’s going to be okay,” Ray murmured, “I’m super fucking pissed, but I get it. Just, just don’t ever think you deserve that bullshit again. You don’t.”

Michael hugged Ray back, crying loudly, and Ray just held his breath, trying his best not to cry.

“I know shit is tough,” he said, “I know, but you gotta believe me. It will get better. We’ll go home, we’ll see Gavin and Lindsay, we’ll see everyone and have fun again. Fuck this new crew, fuck this bullshit. We’re going to be okay. Everyone loves you, Lindsay loves you, Gavin loves you. So don’t worry. Don’t do this to yourself.”

Michael nodded, clinging onto Ray.

“You’re going to be okay, I promise,” Ray said, and Michael let out a sob, nodding again.

“Thank you, Ray,” Michael cried softly, “Thank you.”

“Let’s go home,” Ray said, “And let’s go mess around with the guys, and have fun. Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

* * *

 

Ray and Michael walked off the pier, hand in hand (Michael asked if he could hold Ray’s hand, Ray was all for it), and made their way back to the car.

“Hey Ray?” Michael asked, and Ray hummed, “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Ray murmured, the cold breeze sending small shivers up his spine, “I know shit’s been rough. A lot of bad memories are coming up for me too, so like, I get it.”

“We probably look so fucking gay,” Michael said, and Ray chuckled.

“Dude, we are fucking gay, so fucking gay.”

Michael laughed, squeezing Ray’s hand a bit, and Ray smiled.

  
“Excuse me _boys_ ,” a voice called out, and they turned around only to be greeted by two men in all black, faces covered, “You wouldn’t happen to know where Brownman and Mogar are, would you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who could it be? find out in chapter 20, im so excited to write it <3
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	20. Michael Jones

Michael quickly whipped out his gun, aiming it at the one who spoke. Ray's hand hovered his own handgun, grateful these men were wearing masks. It wouldn't be difficult to shoot them.

The two men remained unfazed, in fact, the one who had spoken earlier just laughed (Ray noted his wolf mask), holding his hands up. A gesture of surrender.

"Woah there," he said, "We're not trying to pick a fight. _Yet_. But I am gonna guess you're either Mogar and Brownman, or know _of_ them."

"What if we just don't trust dudes with creepy masks?" Ray said, smirking.

It was silent for a split second. Ray prepared-

 

"See, I told you, the masks make us super fucking suspicious!" the other male said (he wore an eagle mask), surprising Ray.

"Oh shut up, how else are we supposed to do this?!" Wolf Mask hissed, "I don't want them to know who we are A--"

A pause.

"Uh, my good friend," Wolf Mask finished awkwardly, and Michael snorted.

"Do you guys not have code names or something?" he asked.

"Hey, shut the fuck up!! I'm trying to deal with this idiot here," Wolf Mask yelled, before facing Eagle Mask, "Anyways, how else do you suggest we go about this? The boss said he knew that Mogar and Brownman would be here, and that we have to bring them in! It's a kidnapping dumbass, how _else_ should we dress?!"

"Uh, not like suspicious idiots with masks," Eagle said, "This is so stupid, I don't-"

 

Michael shot the air, and the two men before them shut up. Ray looked at his friend, unsure as to how they themselves should act.

"Look, _ladies_ ," Michael began, obviously mocking Wolf Mask's earlier statement, "As much as I'd _love_ to see you two fight about your life choices, I have important things to do. So if you'll excuse us."

Eagle Mask took a gun out now, and aimed it towards them.

"I can't be having that," he said, "Our orders were to bring in either Mogar or Brownman for interrogation. So I need one of you to come with me."

"And what makes you so sure we're the infamous Mogar and Brownman," Michael asked, and Ray watched as Wolf Mask dug in his pocket, and pulled out a stack of photos.

 

Ray's heart stopped and turned cold.

Pictures of them casually dressed. Pictures of them out and about in the streets. A picture of Ray in an arcade. One with Michael buying a watch. Jack with Caiti. Gavin and Geoff laughing at the corner of a street.

 

A picture of Ryan buying flowers, smiling.

 

He pulled his gun out now, and released the safety. Wolf Mask took a step back, but Eagle Mask remained strong.

"Look, like I said, we just need one of you to come in, we'll ask questions, and you'll be free," Wolf Mask murmured, "We don't want any fights, don't want any bloodshed."

"Bullshit," Michael said, a dangerous edge to his voice, "You were the ones who hurt Blackcat right?! How the fuck can we trust you fuckers."

"Look, that was because our friend shouldn't be on the front lines, but he had no other choice! If your Blackcat lady came in quietly, shit wouldn't have occurred, she wouldn't of gotten hurt!"

"Well why the fuck should we go with you?! For all we know, you guys could be trying to kill us. You've been aiming for the Big Five too-"

 

"This conversation is going no where," Eagle Mask said abruptly, as he took a step forward, "We're going to have to take you in by force. Sorry, but you brought it upon yourselves."

"I'd like to see you fucking try," Michael hissed, grinning. Ray just held his breath, waiting.

"God dammit, I fucking try to work shit out, of course fucking _not_ ," Wolf Mask grumbled, pulling a gun of his own out, "Fine then! Let's do it your way, I got Mr. Hispanic over here."

"It's Puerto Rican for your information," Ray said, sneering when the Wolf Mask aimed the gun at him.

 

It was a tense standoff. Nobody moved, but they were not frozen. It all just depended on whoever decides to move first.

"Hey Ray," Michael murmured, "I bet a hundred bucks this'll take fifteen minutes."

"Then if it takes longer, you owe me a hundred," Ray said, and Michael chuckled.

"Deal."

 

With that, Michael fired his gun, straight at Eagle Mask's legs. The man dodged, before firing at Michael. Ray now moved, running to the side and hiding behind a tree. He was a sniper after all, he never was good for close combat. He felt the tree shudder as it took the shots meant for him, and he let out a small huff of air. He can do this.

He whipped around the tree, and began firing at Eagle Mask, hoping to help distract him from Michael. Of course, once attention was brought to him, he hid again, before running to take cover behind a new tree.

"Coward!" he heard someone cry, and he smirked. No, he was just being smart.

After more gunshots, he heard the others run into hiding too. He smirked. It was now a game of hide and seek.

"Well, thank god I'm a good seeker," Ray mumbled to himself, as he reloaded. Once he finished, he began to blindly fire at where he believes he heard the two men hide, and smirked when he heard rustling of leaves. How easy.

 

"Hey Ray!! Hope you're still kicking buddy!" Michael yelled, and Ray laughed.

"Fuck dude, I got a ton of fucking energy tonight," he yelled back, "I'll be fine!"

He heard Michael laugh, and took a deep breath. And he came out of hiding, aiming at where he presumed Eagle Mask resided.

 

He wasn't being careful. He was being reckless. He heard something behind him, but had no time to react.

Pain surged through the back of his head after the fifth shot. He remembers whipping around, firing two shots, praying they hit.

"Shit!" someone cried, and Ray fell to the ground, head screeching in pain, "You fucker!"

Ray watched as blood dripped from Wolf Mask's arm, and he smirked. _Good_.

"You get what you deserve, bitch," Ray mumbled, but his head was pounding, his speech slurred.

"Ray!!" he hears Michael cry, and looks over to see his friend held back by Eagle Mask, struggling to get free.

"Mich... ael...?" Ray murmurs, his eyes drooping.

 

He remembers hearing his name being yelled.

* * *

 

"I'll fucking kill you!" Ray hears, recognizing Michael's voice.

"Sure honey, _anyways_ , who do we take? We just need one right?"

He knows that voice. It's Wolf Mask. Or maybe Eagle? He doesn't know anymore. He lied to himself.

"Well, the boss said one, but maybe we should take both? I mean, it's pretty logical."

"You fuckers--!!!"

"Oh shut the fuck up!! It's only been fifteen minutes, he's _fine_!"

"We need to decide, now, what are we doing?"

 

Ray opens his eyes, with a terrible migraine. He sees Michael still held in Eagle's grasp, but he can also see Michael's hands bounded behind his back. They were still in the park. They were hostages right now. _Fuck_.

 

_All because of you_ , a voice hisses within him. He cringed.

 

"No," he mutters to himself, "We'll be okay."

"Oh," Wolf Mask (or Eagle Mask?) says, "He's up."

"Ray!!" Michael's voice resounds in his ears, and he looks over. Michael's face is twisted in pain, but he still worries for Ray. Even though they're both bound, unable to escape, Michael puts aside his problems for others.

 

_Because of you._

"Michael...?" Ray mumbles, and tries to move. He can't. Oh right, he's bound as well. Stupid.

"Seriously though, thank god you're here," Wolf Mask said, and Ray realized he was talking to Eagle Mask, not him, "Because you're so loud, everyone pays attention to you. I got to sneak around and get Mr. Puerto Rican here."

_Fuck him_ , Ray thought, _Fuck_.

"Let him go you fuckers!!" Michael screamed, struggling to get free. Eagle Masked sighed, but held Michael down pretty well.

"We'll take that one then," Eagle Mask said, motioning to Ray, "This one, we'll leave here tied up. Someone will find him."

 

"That's a stupid plan," a new voice said, and Ray watched a man with a terrifying hockey mask appear, walking up to the two other men, "I said bring in Mogar and Brownman, not one or the other. What the fuck are you two idiots doing?"

"Boss, shit, uh, are you sure we should bring him both? This guy here-"

"Mogar," Hockey Mask muttered.

"-is ridiculous. We can't control him. It's better if we take the other, this guy-- shit!"

Michael spat at the Hockey Mask's shoes, and sneered.

"Rot in hell, shithead," he cursed. Hockey Mask just looked at the spit, before sighing.

"Oh Mogar, you should be nicer to others," he said, as he moved over to Ray. The man knelt down, and examined Ray's face. Ray tried his best to glare, but it hurt. He heard laughter.

 

"To think I would see Brownman on the ground, tied up and useless, how priceless!" he said, standing back up, "I love it when such powerful figures become nothing."

Ray felt himself get kicked hard in the stomach. He felt something rose up to his throat, and he gasped for air, the pain making him unable to think.

"Did that hurt Brownman?" the Hockey Mask'd man asked, "Look at your face, how pathetic."

He kicked Ray again, and Ray now coughed up the bile and blood from his throat, shaking in pain. He felt himself get kicked over and over, until the pain numbed and he could only hear himself whimper.

"Let him go!" Michael cried, and Ray cringed, "Stop fucking hurting him!! I'll fucking kill you, right here, let me go!!"

The kicks stopped. Ray looked at Michael, his vision blurred by tears. Michael was furious, filled with rage.

_Because of you._

 

"God, I always hated how loud you are, Mogar," Hockey Mask said, "How high and mighty you all act. How you think you're all so tough."

The man made his way back to Michael before nodding once to Eagle Mask.

"But boss-"

"Do it."

Michael was then released, but he lunged, aiming to at least headbutt the fucker.

 

A gunshot echoed.

 

Then another. And another.

 

_Because of you._

 

Michael clutched his stomach, shaking. Ray watched as his once white shirt turned red, as blood spread throughout, dripping down as well. Three holes were seen by Ray, but Michael felt around, as if searching for them. As if unable to believe there was any wounds.

He looked to Ray, eyes wide.

"Ray..." he whispered out, before falling to his knees, spitting blood out from his mouth. And as if the world wanted to taunt them, wanted to make him suffer even more, Ray watched Michael fall forward, glasses flying outwards, cracked and stained, before the body hit the ground with a loud thud. The surrounding area was painted in red in a sheer number of seconds.

 

_... The fear he felt from... his best friend... pool of blood..._

 

"What the _fuck_?! That wasn't part of the plan!!" he heard someone yell, "You said we wouldn't kill anyone!"

"Plans change. We're going now."

"Fuck no! I will not-"

"Listen to your fucking boss or I'll do the same fucking thing to you. We're leaving."

 

_... won’t stop shaking... his entire body feels numb... struggled to breathe... tears clouding..._

 

"Michael?" he whimpers out, trying to sit up, trying to get to his friend.

"Let's go!" he hears, and then hears the footsteps of that someone go away.

 

_... He wished he was stronger._

 

" _Fuck_... dude, let's go," Eagle Mask says.

" _No_."

"What?! But, the boss-"

"I'm not leaving, this is fucked up! I'm not leaving shit like this! Give me my phone, I'll call someone, one of their nurses, comrades, anyone!!"

"He's going to get furious with you!!"

"I don't give a shit!! This is _not_ right!! They need medical treatment, now! We didn't sign up for this bullshit, we didn't start this to kill men unfairly and cruelly!"

 

Ray finally reached Michael, and he could smell the blood, strong, disgusting. He looked at Michael's face, eyes closed, laying in a pool of blood.

 

_Because of you._

_Because of you because of yo **u because of you because of you because of you**_

_Because of... of...?_

"He's going to die, there's no use!"

 

Ray's breath hitched.

Memories filled his head.

A similar situation.

He can't protect anyone, he always fails.

 

_Because of...?_

 

"Michael?" he asks again. No response.

_Because of..._

 

 

**_of..._ **

****__  
  


 

** _Because of me._ **

**** _  
  
_

 

Ray screamed, his tears pouring from his eyes, and he felt someone grab him and try to pull him away. He screamed even more, even louder, desperately fighting them off.

"Calm down!! Calm the fuck down!!" he heard over his screams, "I called the nurse, he's coming!! You need to stay away, you have to--"

Ray screamed for Michael. He screamed and screamed to be let go, screamed to try and beg to go help Michael, scream god no, not now, not Michael.

 

Not Michael, please god, please.

Not him.

 

Anyone but him.

 

His best friend, Michael Jones...

__  
  


_Why couldn't it have been Ray?_

  
  


Ray felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck, and the world went quiet.

* * *

 

_ "Are you Brownman?" a man asks as he's packing up, and he looks to the one who called out to him. _

_He has ridiculously curly red hair tucked into a beanie, he looked arrogant, and he kinda pissed Ray off. There's a stupid grin on his face, one that showed off the dimples the man had. This was someone Ray found odd._

_"Yeah, so?" he says, before closing the case. The man before him snickers._

_"Uh, hi then," he says, Ray realizing this guy has a thick Jersey accent, "I'm Mogar. Word on the streets are that you can shoot pretty fucking well. Is that true?"_

_Ray shrugs, "Maybe."_

 

_The man now chuckles, and Ray can't help but think his laugh is nice._

_"Well then, I was wondering if you'd like to join a gang," the man says, "It's pretty small right now, but it's going to be big one day."_

_"Nah," Ray deadpans._

_"... Nah?"_

_"Nah. No thanks."_

_The man shrugs._

_"Suit yourself. See you around."_

_Ray watches him leave, before smirking._

_"I would hope not," he mutters to himself, and heading his own way._

_... ..._

 

_He always sees Mogar when he least expects it. He is forced to interact with him, Mogar never allowing him peace until they converse._

_"You should join my gang!" he would say, "It's real nice, we're really strong!"_

_Ray would decline him every time, and yet Mogar would continue to pursue. Eventually, Ray told him to fuck off. The response was unexpected._

_"Nah," the man said._

_"... Nah."_

_"Yeah man! Nah. I'm gonna keep bothering the fuck out of you."_

_There was that cheeky grin again. Ray sighed._

_"Whatever."_

 

_There were times where Ray saw Mogar with unknown men, hitting a bank or something. There were also times where he saw Mogar in the streets, in casual wear. If Mogar ever saw Ray, he would take the time to wave, to come over and talk. There were numerous times where Ray was dragged to a cafe or bar as well._

_"I don't drink," he says one time, and Mogar blinks._

_"Why the fuck didn't you say so all those times?!" he says, sighing, "Fine, I'll get you a soda or some shit. Jesus, I would of taken you somewhere else then."_

_"Your fault," Ray murmurs, and Mogar chuckled._

_"True that."_

 

_Mogar talks about the gang he's in. Talks about how he deals in explosives. His gamerscore. His interest in being a big name one day._

_"My name is Michael," Mogar murmurs, as he takes a long swig of beer, "You?"_

_Fuck it. May as well._

_"Ray. My name is Ray."_

_"Pleasure to meet you officially Ray," Mogar- no, Michael says, "You still don't want to join our gang?"_

_"Nah."_

_Michael laughs._

_"Nah. Alright then," he murmurs._

_... ..._

_Michael begins to act different._

_His eyes are glazed over, he no longer waves to Ray. He no longers is loud not arrogant, he no longer tries to persuade Ray into joining._

_He shouldn't care, but he does._

_Ray starts keeping tabs on his gang. What they do, what they are._

_What he learns scares him. It's disgusting, it's cruel, it's not human. In fact, he doesn’t know how these people can do this, why they can continue this process._

_Around this time, he remembers a mustached man entering his life. One covered in tattoos, who spoke with a very perky voice, yet had a sleepy look. He asks Ray to join his gang._

_"Give me a name," Ray asks._

_"My name or the gang?"_

_"Both."_

_"Well, my name is Geoff Ramsey, and I run the Fake AH Crew."_

_Ray is confused. He knows of the name._

_"And you are?"_

_"Ray," he says easily, unsure as to why, "I'm Ray."_

_"Nice to meet you Ray. As of now, I got my buddies Jack and Gavin..."_

_Ray holds up a hand._

_"Why should I join?" he asks._

_"Well, we need a sniper," Geoff says, grinning, "And I want you. You're pretty amazing."_

_Ray is quiet._

_"Let me think about it," he says._

_... ..._

_It's three weeks later he sees Michael. The man looks horrible. Bags under his eyes, the glazed look terrifying Ray for he knows why that has occurred to Michael. He knows what's happening._

_"Michael--" Ray begins, but is cut off when Michael slams him into the wall, kissing his jaw._

_"Michael!' Ray cries, trying to push him off. Michael is easily flung off, scaring Ray even more. He knows the other is stronger than him. This is wrong._

_"Pl... Please," a croaky voice asks, "I just need... I need fifty dollars... I'll do anything, I swear… Please... I need the money, I’ll been good..."_

_Ray sees Michael shake. The sight is saddening._

_"I promise to be good, I promise... Please, sir..."_

_Ray takes a sharp intake of air._

 

_"Stop it," he mumbles out, but Michael doesn't hear him._

_"Please, sir, I'll be good. Just give me the money... I need money, I need those pills, I do, please---"_

_Michael is cut off by Ray hugging him._

_"No, I won't allow you," Ray murmurs, "This has to end."_

_"Sir...?"_

_"Ray. My name is Ray,” he breathes out, “What's yours?"_

_"I don't know anymore,” Michael sounds confused, “I'm whatever you-"_

_"Your name is Michael," Ray cuts him off._

_"... It's very familiar sounding."_

_"I know."_

_"Who are you?"_

_"... I'm your best friend."_

_"Oh. Then who am I?"_

_Ray thinks about it._

_"You are you," he says finally, "Nobody else."_

_... ..._

_He calls Geoff up._

_"I'll join under one condition," Ray says before Geoff utters a word, "Help me take down a gang and you got me. I have a buddy though, and he has to join as well."_

_"His code name?" Geoff asks._

_"Mogar. He's my best friend."_

_"Deal."_

_... ..._

_"Hey Ray," Michael says, as they stand on the balcony together._

_"Thank you."_

_Ray laughs._

_"Nah," he says. Michael just grins._

_"Nah huh. Alright then."_

_"We're best friends," Ray says, "No need to thank me."_

_"Best friends. That’s pretty nice."_

_"Love you man. No homo."_

 

_Michael laughs._

_"Love you too."_

* * *

 

Ray wakes up to the sound of a monitor beeping, the sounds of the city bustling outside. He feels someone holding his hand, and looks to see sandy colored hair resting on the bed, a man he loves dearly.

He looks up at the ceiling.

The man holding his hand stirs, and sits up.

"Ray...?!" the man says, "Ray! Are you..."

He stops talking, eyes watching Ray.

 

Ray doesn't move, in fact, he can’t move. He just stares at the ceiling.

"Because of me," he mumbles to himself.

 

 

Mogar.

 

 

Michael.

 

 

Michael Jones.

 

 

Tears flow from Ray's eyes, and he begins to sob.

_Because of me_ , the thought rings throughout his head.

 

He wishes it was him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, i hope you enjoyed the chapter <3 im sorry to end it on a sad note but at the same time, im not.
> 
> i love all the comments/theories ive gotten last chapter though!! i hope you all continue to post your theories, and i also hope you all comment and give me your thoughts on the story!! <33 it makes me very happy and helps me a lot when writing <33
> 
> well, look forward to the next chapter <3
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com)


	21. You're Okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning (tw): Suicide Mention, Suicidal Thoughts.

"Michael... He's okay so far," Caleb tells Ray after Ryan calls the man in, after Ray is examined by the nurse, "Nothing vital was hit. But there are numerous things that could occur after he wakes up. It's really just something we have to wait and see to be sure."

"How long," Ray manages out, even though his throat kills him. Caleb's face darkens.

"If we're lucky, he might wake up in one, maybe two weeks. If not though, I'd say he won't wake up for a few months."

 

Ray is told to stay in bed for three days after that. He doesn't protest.

 

Ryan visits everyday, whenever he can. He comes in, smiles, and sits in the chair beside the bed. He talks about the day, about what’s happening, what they’re planning. Not once does he bring up anything about Michael, about the incident. He tries to entertain Ray, make him smile, feel better. It doesn't work.

Ray sees Geoff the second day. He walks in, looking even more tired than before, and Ray can’t help but feel guilt when the man tears up. _Because of me._

“God, Ray, I’m so… I’m so sorry,” he murmurs, standing beside the bed, “I’m so happy you’re okay, but, fucking hell, I just…”

Geoff doesn’t say anything. Ray just looks to the side, away from Geoff.

“I’m sorry,” Ray murmurs, “I fucked up.”

“No, jesus Ray, this isn’t your fault,” Geoff says quickly, “This was… This was a bad incident. That’s all. No one is to blame.”

Ray cannot say anything to that. Geoff takes his leave.

 

Later that same day, surprisingly, Jack and Caiti walk in. The girl runs over to the bedside, taking Ray’s hand and holding it tight.

“Oh Ray, I’m so relieved you're okay!” she cries out, tears swelling from her eyes, “Jack told me everything, and Ray, if anything happened to you or Michael…”

His heart twists at the name.

“Are you feeling okay? Do you need me to do anything?” Caiti asks. Ray shakes his head no, and she sighs, squeezing Ray’s hand tightly.

“Ray,” Jack now begins, and he looks up to the bearded man, who looks like he’s been crying, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“... M’fine,” Ray manages to say, “Is Michael…”

“He’s… we don’t know ourselves,” Jack says, “I heard that nothing vital was hit, but we have no idea when he’ll wake up, if he truly _is_ okay. It’s just a matter of waiting or something. He didn't look good when Caleb found you two, in fact... Nevermind.”

_Because of me_ , Ray thinks.

The two stay and talk to Ray, about meaningless things, to try and lighten the mood. Ray forces himself to smile, forces himself to find things funny. Everything seems so bland though, and it’s hard to continue this act. He hates himself.

 

The third day, Lindsay walks in. Her right arm is wrapped up from wrist to shoulder, and she has bandages literally everywhere else. But she grins, and Ray can’t breathe.

“Sup nerd,” she says, and sits down beside Ray’s bed, “How’ve you been?”

Ray can’t process her words, nor can he think of what to say back to her. He just stares at Lindsay, and the girl sighs, smiling softly.

“God, don’t look at me like that,” she murmurs, “It’s like you’re expecting me to snap at you. Don’t worry, I won’t. Can't. There’s no reason to.”

She leans back in the chair, thinking of something. Ray just watches her, his heart pounding, screaming because Lindsay is here.

Lindsay, the one who loves Michael so much, who would rather die than let anyone touch Michael. The one who stayed because of Michael, the one who cares so much for Michael.

And here she is, smiling, talking to Ray, the one who allowed her Michael to get hurt.

 

_Because of me, he’s hurt,_ Ray thinks, because of me, _I ruined his life. I ruined Lindsay’s life._

 

 

_I ruined Gavin’s life._

 

He quickly looks to the door, and Lindsay chuckles.

“Gavin’s not here, if that’s what you’re wondering,” she says, “Gavin’s doing some work for Geoff. He… he’ll be okay. Anyhoo.”

She sits up, smile kind. 

“Are you okay?”

He tears up.  
  
“I’m fine,” he croaks out, “I’m okay.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

Of course she can see through him. She sees through everyone.

“I’m not lying,” he lies.

“Are you sure? You know I don’t like liars.”

“I’m sure. Why did you come Lindsay? Shouldn’t you see Michael?”

“He’s not going to wake up for a while,” she says, her voice wavering a bit, “Caleb says he may wake up in next week if we’re super lucky. I don't believe in luck, but right now, I sure could use it. But, I'm sure he'll wake up, he's going to want to beat the fuck out of the guys who hurt you two.”

Ray bites his lip, and covers his eyes with his arm. But the tears roll down his face, and he can’t stop crying.

“Ray,” Lindsay begins, “It’s going to be okay.”

 

_No_ , Ray thinks, _It won’t be okay. This happened before Lindsay, it happened already. The same fucking thing occurred six years ago, before you came into our lives. And that was because of me too._

_It won’t be okay, as long as I’m around._

 

_It never will be okay._

 

“I hope so,” he hisses out, choking back a sob.

* * *

 

He is discharged the fourth day.

He doesn’t visit Michael. In fact, he doesn’t do anything. He hides away in his room, only moving to go the the bathroom, and to eat. Whenever Ryan talks to him, he asks if he can be left alone. Ryan, smiling sadly, says he loves Ray, before leaving.

Ray wishes Ryan loved someone else.

He doesn’t deserve Ryan. He doesn’t deserve anything. He can’t think, can’t breathe, his chest hurts every time he thinks of something. He hates it. He hates himself.

He begins to wonder why anyone loves him.

 

_It'd be easier if they didn't,_ he thinks, _If they all hated me, I could leave. And they'd be safer._

A week goes by. Michael doesn't wake up.

Geoff has made everyone but Ray busy. He rarely sees anyone, they're always out or hiding away, working on god knows what. Probably stuff regarding the new gang.

Ray feels better about not having to talk to anyone though. Nobody to tell him it'll be alright (it won't), nobody to say it's not his fault (it is), and that they love him (he wishes they didn't).

 

It's two weeks later that Ray stands on the balcony, staring down at the streets below.

Today, everyone is out on a small recon mission.

Which means if he were to disappear right now, nobody would know.

He could jump.

Could he?

 

"All I have to do is get up, and let myself fall, right?" Ray mutters to himself, smiling sadly, "As if I could. I won't-"

"Jump?" a voice finished for him, and Ray flinches, whipping around to face Gavin Free.

 

Gavin looks god awful. His hair's a mess, he doesn't look like he's slept for weeks, and he smiles bitterly at Ray.

"Hello _Ray_ ," Gavin says, and Ray cringes at his name, "I haven't seen _you_ for two weeks."

Ray moves his mouth, but no words come out. Gavin just shrugs, and comes over to stand beside Ray, looking out to the sky. Ray resumes staring down at the streets, unsure what to do. He panics really, and feels the air become tenser with each passing second.

 

"If you want to jump, do it," Gavin says, and Ray's heart stops, "I'm just a bystander."

"Gav-"

"But know what the fuck you're doing to the rest of us before you jump. Are you really-"

"I'm not going to jump Gavin!" Ray yells, and Gavin glares at him.

"I would hope not, because if you did, well, then you're just a pathetic excuse of a man."

 

_He has every right to be mad at you_ , Ray tells himself, _He should be mad. Isn't this what I wanted, anger directed at me?_

"Why do you even give a shit," Ray says, and mentally beats himself up, "This isn't the first time someone got hurt because I'm fucking pathetic, not the first time I fucked up. You know firsthand."

"That was six years ago," Gavin snaps, "And if it really bothered anyone in this bloody gang, they'd speak up, don't you think?!"

"I don't know! Maybe?! We're not completely heartless fucks like the media thinks we are!!"

"So you're telling me you have no idea how your own bloody gang acts, how they are when it comes to things like this."

"Jesus fucking christ, what do you want from me?!"

"To not fucking think we should all fucking hate you!" Gavin shouts, and Ray flinches, not expecting him to raise his voice, "To stop moping around, and move on? I don't know Ray, I want you to just be yourself again!"

 

"How?! Tell me fucking how and maybe, just maybe I can be myself. But then again, I _don't_ know Gavin, my best friend is in bed with bullet holes in him, and we don't fucking know when he'll wake up!!"

"He will wake up, he isn't as weak as your making him--"

"You don't fucking know that!!"

"I do!! I know because he's my Michael, he's someone I care about and someone I love, and I know he will wake up. And when he does you have to fucking be there!"

"Why do you keep acting like I'm going to jump?!"

"Because you're out here muttering to yourself about it, and I don't want to have learn from my friends that my best friend _actually_ jumped this time!!"

 

Ray's breath hitches in his throat. He feels bile rise from the pits of his stomach, and he looks away, furious.

"I couldn't go through with it, they stopped me. Fuck off Gavin, that wasn't fucking cool."

"But you were thinking of jumping now, right?" Gavin asks, "I panicked when I saw you out here. I thought you would actually climb over, and I'd be unable to help you."

"And yet you said you wouldn't stop me."

"That was because I wanted to scare you I guess. If you tried to though, I would of stopped you. I don't know, I panicked Ray."

"... It'd be easier on everyone if I did jump though."

 

Ray felt the punch before he saw it. He felt the inside of his cheek cut, blood flowing into his mouth, and he fell, but Gavin followed. Ray laid on the cold ground, Gavin on top of him, gripping the collar of his shirt.

"Don't you _dare_ fucking say that," Gavin hissed, "Ray, don't ever talk like that again!"

Tears plopped down on Ray's face, and he was genuinely surprised to see Gavin crying, to realize just how badly his friend was shaking.

 

When was the last time he made Gavin cry?

 

"Do you really think if you jump, it'd be easier on all of us?! We'd be done one man, our friend would be dead!! Everyone will come home, only to see your dead fucking body on the streets!! Is that what you want?"

Ray just stared up at Gavin, who didn't stop crying, who didn't try to hide it like always. Who actually let himself be seen as weak.

"You are an important part to this team Ray!" he cries, "You're the reason why we're all so close! If it weren't for you, we probably wouldn't even give a crap about anyone, we wouldn't even care if someone got hurt! But you made it so we all care, you brought us together and made us a big family!"

Gavin releases Ray, but doesn't get off, crying even more.

"A big, weird family," he whimpers out, and Ray's heart twists, " _You_ said that, and it's true. We're family."

 

Ray turns away, unable to watch Gavin anymore.

"But because of me, Michael got hurt, because of me, he's in--"

"Because of you, I got shot, remember?!" Gavin yells, cutting Ray off, "On that heist six years ago, I got shot two times in the chest, but because of you I was saved. Geoff found us and got us medical treatment quickly, but if it weren't for you, that man would of done me in!"

The memories flood Ray's mind.

 

_He remembers Jack yelling in his ear, begging him to shoot. The fear he felt from watching Gavin get shot, now on the ground, surrounded in a pool of blood. He couldn't breathe._

_Ray remembers firing the gun, but missing. His hands won’t stop shaking, and yet his entire body feels numb. He remembers the cold, rough hands that wrapped around his throat, as he struggled to breathe, unable to see through the tears clouding his vision._

_It was then that he heard more gunshots, and watched the man's eyes roll into the back of his head, before releasing Ray and falling over, dead. Geoff runs over to Gavin as Ray sits up, holding his throat and trying to breathe, and he hears Geoff's murmurs as he tries to get the other to wake up. Tries to make it so Gavin doesn't die._

 

_"Why didn't you shoot?!" Geoff yells, as he picks Gavin up, "What happened?!"=_

_"I... I-" Ray begins, but throws up, the stench of blood making him sick. Geoff grabs him by his arm, and leads him away. Ray catches a glimpse of Gavin's face, eyes half lidded, but the lad smiles._

_"It's okay," he whimpers out, "You're okay."_

_Ray begins to cry, because it isn't fair. Why should he be consoled when Gavin was the one bleeding out? He shouldn't worry about Ray, Ray was useless, weak, unstable._

 

_He wished he was stronger._

Ray finally begins to cry.

"You saved me Ray. In fact, you saved everyone at one point," Gavin says, finally getting off Ray. Ray can't pull himself up though, and he continues to cry, releasing all the pent up frustrations and pain he hid for these past two weeks.

Cries out because once again, he was useless, weak, unstable. Because he didn't think of the others, because he was tempted to end it all.

 

He cries because Gavin, once again, reassures him that he's okay.

 

"Michael would kill me if you weren't here," Gavin mutters, "Everyone would to be honest. It would kill _me_ if you weren't here. Ray, you're so important to all of us, so please..."

Ray felt Gavin run his fingers through his hair, and Ray just cried even more, unable to form any words, the only sound coming out of his mouth were sobs.

"It's because of you we're all here," Gavin says in a soft voice, "We would never have met, or even saved Michael. Lindsay wouldn't of joined if it weren't for your stupid antics. We probably wouldn't even have heard Ryan's laugh for ages. Ray, you're a huge part of our life. Don't ever think we all should hate you or resent you for these kinds of things. It's the lifestyle we chose. These kind of things occur. You're okay."

Ray nods, finally beginning to calm down a bit, and Gavin sighs.

 

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, "For bringing up the past. That was wrong of me."

"No," Ray manages out, his voice croaky, "It's okay. I understand."

"It's not okay though," Gavin says, "I shouldn't of brought it up, not when you're like this."

"Gav," Ray sits up now, "It's fine. I tried to jump before, but I was pulled away. After that I told myself I wouldn't ever try again. It's something that happened, something I did. I gotta accept it."

"No. What happened was we all left you alone, and made you feel like that was the only solution. And again, we're leaving you alone, thinking this is right."

 

"Actually, Ryan... Ryan tries to talk to me."

"He does?"

Ray nods. Gavin is silent for a bit.

"Then talk to him," Gavin says, "Soon. Out of everyone here, I feel like he'll be able to help you the most."

"What makes you say that?"

"Instinct."

Ray chuckles, punching Gavin's shoulder lightly.

"Your instinct sucks ass man," he says, and Gavin grins cheekily.

 

"Love you X-Ray!" Gavin says loudly all of the sudden, happily, surprising Ray. But Ray smiles, and for once in these two weeks, it doesn't hurt to do so. He doesn't feel forced to smile, doesn't feel sick to his stomach.

Immediately that smile hurts though, and he remembers the cut inside his cheek. _Right_.

"Fuck you," Ray says, and laughs at the squawk Gavin makes. He smiles again, ignoring the pain.

 

"I love you too, Vav."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!! sorry this chapter was a bit of a downer, but it had to occur. this chapter was kind of a peek into ray's mind i guess, how he thinks, how badly he beats himself up. and just because the chapter ended like this, doesn't mean he's back to the sarcastic ray, there's still a lot going on, he isn't miraculously better. he just feels better, i guess.
> 
> anyways, next chapter, more ryan/ray bonding time!! let's see how that goes.  
> love you all, see you next chapter!! 
> 
> also, i posted this on my tumblr, but im currently writing some small drabbles because i really want to stay inspired, and changing what i write should help me with that. if you have anything you want me to write, send me a message on tumblr, or comment here and i'll see what i can do!! thanks so much!! <33
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	22. Two Fuckups in Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide Mention, Suicidal Thoughts, Referenced Child Murder

Ray laid in bed, contemplating on what to do now. After his talk with Gavin, he had retreated back to his room, needing a few minutes to himself, to collect his thoughts once more. The Brit was fine with it, but the look in his eyes told Ray everything.

Talk to Ryan. That's what Gavin told him to do, _wanted_ him to do, and honestly, Ray _felt_ like it was the right thing to do. He could trust Ryan, and if anything, Ryan would be supportive.

_Right?_

 

Ray sighed, and looked at the time. It was pretty late in the afternoon, in fact, Jack should be starting to make dinner at this time. But Ray honestly knew he wouldn't be. Jack was out again. So was Geoff, and Lindsay. Michael was, well, obviously not home. The thought of the lad made Ray’s heart twist, and he couldn’t help but bite the inside of his cheek.

"... I miss Michael," he murmured aloud, as if hoping that if he were to say it, he’d feel better, or some miracle would occur and Michael would pop in his room. Of course, nothing happened. Ray felt like a fool. But he couldn’t help it.

The lad was always filled with energy, he would always fix things. He made everyone laugh, he would make everyone stop fighting. He always found a way to make everyone smile. And lately, Ray realized nobody really smiled. It all seemed forced, the only exception being his encounter with Gavin earlier. But other than that, the smiles were all forced around Ray, all cautious.

 

Except Ryan.

Ryan smiled at him. Ryan smiled for Ray, his smile was always true and warm.

And he wanted to see that smile now, more than ever.

 

So Ray got out of bed, and headed out his room, rushing down the hall to Ryan's room. He stopped, took a deep breath in, and knocked twice.

_Wait, what am I doing_ , Ray thinks as he shifts side to side anxiously, now realizing he had no idea what to say, _I'm so stupid. Fuck. What do I do?_

His thoughts were silenced when the door opened, and he was greeted by Ryan, hair a bit wet, small remains of facial paint coating his eyelids. He was beautiful.

"Ray?" he asked, and Ray soon realized he couldn't form words at all. So he just stared up at Ryan, trying his best to come up with something on the spot, trying to speak.

 

Ryan just smiled.

 

"Do you want to come in?" he asked, and Ray shook his head no before he continued, "Then do you want me to come with you?"

Ray nodded. So Ryan came out of his room, locking the door behind him (apparently he changed the lock, meaning only he had the room key), and smiled softly at Ray. Ray smiles back, and gently takes Ryan's hand as he leads him down to his own room. They stand outside the door before entering though, as Ray takes another deep breath, calming himself down so he could speak.

"I want to talk to you," he begins, "About what happened. About me, I guess. Gavin said I should."

It's quiet for a bit. Ray feels his nerves working up, he has to remind himself to breathe.

"Do you _want_ to?" Ryan hesitantly asks, "Just because Gavin said so, doesn't mean you have to."

"I'm uh, pretty sure about this," Ray says quickly, voice a bit shaky, "Kinda freaking out though. You won’t, well, judge, right?"

Ryan squeezes Ray's hand, his smile kind, filling Ray with the warmth he missed.

"Of course not."

 

Ray can't help but smile again as well, before pulling Ryan inside. He sits on the bed, and pulls Ryan down to sit beside him as well. The man doesn't protest, just scoots closer to Ray.

"So," Ryan says, "What do you want to talk about?"

"... I have no fucking idea where to start," Ray grumbles, unable to help himself from sighing, "I was planning on telling you a lot, like, how I feel and how I don’t feel right sometimes, and now, I fucking can’t. God, this sucks."

"It's fine," Ryan says, smiling as he squeezes Ray's hand gently, "Take your time."

Ray just leans back, and stares at the ceiling. It takes him a while, but he eventually just rolls with whatever was in his head. He may as well, he couldn’t think well.

 

"... I tried to kill myself once," he begins, "It was after this big heist. I hadn't told anyone that I won't shoot someone who's face I see, I mean, I was a sniper, there was no reason to say anything. But they put me on ground team that day. I shouldn’t have been there, everyone knew that, but I was willing to try, so I could help, y’know?"

"Why?" Ryan asked.

"Because we were short on men. It was before Lindsay was with us. But I was on ground team, with Gavin, and things were going pretty okay. I didn't really have to shoot anyone because, despite how fucking dumb he is, Gavin took care of a lot."

Ryan hummed, and Ray started getting nervous. He hated this part, hated having to even think about it. Dreams, he couldn’t help, but this was something he could stop. Well, he could, but he wouldn’t. He wanted to share this with Ryan, he wanted to have this man he loved know that he wasn’t okay because of this event. So he bit his bottom lip, trying to calm himself a bit before continuing.

"Then this guy, he was huge, he pulled a gun on us as we passed through. Gavin didn't even see it coming, and I just, I watched as this guy shoot twice. I saw both bullets hit Gavin's chest. And then he turned to me, and I saw his face, so I couldn't shoot."

"If I may, why can't you shoot people who's face you see? Not a lot of people are like that."

 

Ray laughs, but it's a bit bitter.

"It was a life choice at first," he says, "I found this corpse when I lived on the streets, it was completely fucked up. I was going to take his shit, but then there this fucking photograph... He probably just married, probably was starting to start life as a father. He had a picture of his kid, y’know, a little infant. I felt sick after that, every time I thought of someone's life ending, because that person may have people at home, waiting for them, may have a kid who needs them."

Ray squeezed Ryan's hand a bit tighter now.

"It became worse though. My life choice became something permanent. I tried it once, tried to shoot someone who's face I saw, but I couldn't pull the trigger. I threw up right there and had to take so many hot showers, I felt gross and I couldn’t stop myself from shaking. The fact that someone is waiting for that face, waiting to see the person they love come home, it's sad knowing that we can end that all with just a bullet. And I’m in this fucking field as a fucking sniper."

"So, to clarify, if you see their face, you can't shoot because the thought of ending their life upsets you."

Ray nodded. Ryan just smiled, and ran his thumb over Ray's knuckles.

"I don't think that's necessarily bad thing," he murmurs, "In fact, I find it very special. Not a lot of people stop to think about the lives of others, especially people in our field. We all grow numb to that. Granted, it does have it’s bad points, but you’re a sniper. You’re only required to shoot from afar, away from the chaos, _unable_ to see their face. As long as you aren’t on ground team, I think having that mindset isn’t bad.”

"Sure, but because of this mindset I almost got Gavin killed," Ray says bitterly, "It's fucking pathetic. If it weren't for my stupid brain, I'd be able to do so much more, able to help out more."

"But everyone knows now, and they're fine with it, aren't they?"

"Yes?! I mean, I _think_ they are, they sure _act_ like it's okay. But even if it's okay with them, it's _not_ okay with me."

"Why is that?"

"Because people will die one day because of me, because of me Gavin and Michael _already_ almost fucking died!" Ray snaps now, clutching Ryan's hand as tighter than he intended. But one look at the man’s face, and all the anger melted away, replaced with regret. He took a shaky breath in.

 

"I'm sorry," he murmurs, "I just-"

"Ray," Ryan cuts Ray off, with that kind smile of his face, "It's okay. Just talk. If you get angry, just let it out. I'm here to listen, remember? We’re here so you can talk to me. I promised I wouldn’t judge."

Ray had to bite his bottom lip to try and not cry.

"Okay," he managed to whisper out, "Thanks."

Ryan just smiled a bit more.

 

"Okay, so, fuck," Ray began, wiping his eyes, "Uh, the guy who shot Gavin. He knew I wouldn't shoot him, he saw the look on my face and knew. So he attacked me, tried to choke me out, wanting to torture me for being weak I guess. Geoff came in though and saved both of us but, it was a lot to handle. Gavin's possible death, the guy knowing my weakness, getting almost killed."

Ray took a deep breath. It wasn’t easy, talking about himself. He always hated sharing his feelings. But this was for the better. He knew it was.

"I couldn't take it after that. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't do a lot really. Gavin was luckily okay, and he told me not to worry, but I felt like that was a lie, like he was trying to make me feel better despite it obviously being my fault. I felt like everyone was disappointed in me really, angry because I fucked up. They weren't, I know that now of course, but this was back when Michael and I first joined y'know? Before I really knew them all."

"You were partners with Michael once?" Ryan asked, and Ray just chuckled, shaking his head.

"That's another long story, so maybe next time. Anyways, I just felt disgusted with myself. I fucking hated myself for being so weak and pathetic. I felt taunted by the world, like, it was mocking me for my fucking weakness. Then, I began to think how dangerous I was, like, how my mindset was going to get someone killed one day. That because of me, someone I love would be dead. This just grew and grew, eating away at my mind. So one day, I went to the balcony, got up on the railing, and stared right down at the streets. I wanted to let go of everything and just fall."

Ray feels Ryan's grip tighten, and he smiles sadly.

"I hesitated though, for a split second. I freaked out when I realized what I was about to do. Everything felt scarier, like, I didn't want to end it here. Not yet at least. Out of everything to remember though, I remembered this fucking debt I had to pay off, it's a weird story, but, I owe this guy a lot. And I wanted to see this guy one more time, to pay him off and show him I’m okay and that I don’t need his sympathy anymore. Couldn’t do that if I was dead, right?"

Ray chuckles, but it just hurts his chest. So he takes a deep breath in, tries to remain focused.

 

"If it weren’t for that split second, I probably would of fallen," Ray sighed out, "Instead, I remember Geoff screaming at me, and pulling me off the railing, furious and just going off, tears running down his face. It was terrible, I felt sick, worrying him. The fact he was even worried made me feel god awful. He brought me inside and everyone was on me, yelling shit I couldn't really comprehend despite it being English. They were probably more freaked out than I was, which I always found ironic."

Ray took another deep breath in. Tears swelled in his eyes, but he didn’t want to let them fall. He wanted to get this all out, wanted to share everything.

"I still fucking think I should jump at times. That if I weren't here, a lot of things would be easier. But fuck, I think about all the shit I haven't done yet, and I always hate myself even more after I think I should end it. That I'm fucking selfish, being a fucking drama queen or something."

"People are all selfish," Ryan murmurs, "They all are drama queens of their own life. It's just how it is. You aren't the only one, you’re normal. It’s normal to be selfish."

"... For some reason, that helps," Ray murmurs, smiling, "Thanks Rye."

Ryan smiles, and leans a bit on Ray.

 

"If you don't mind, I'd like to share my past with you," he begins, "I mean, you allowed me to know yours."

"You don't have to-" Ray begins, before cutting himself off with a chuckle at Ryan’s face, "Nevermind. Deja vu. You're pretty sure about this, huh."

Ryan chuckles as well.

"I am. You won't judge?"

"Never," Ray says, and they both smile.

 

Ryan sits up now, and sighs loudly.

"Where to begin... Well, I guess you know that I worked for Joel at one point."

"I do."

"It wasn't because I wanted to. This was back when Joel didn't have a company, back when he was known as Golden Man. A stupid nickname, but, it was better than Geoff's. He called himself the Achievement Hunter."

"Oh my fucking god, what a fucking nerd."

"You didn't hear that from me," Ryan said, but his grin showed he could care less, "Anyways. I was a normal guy with a shitty retail job, until I got mugged by small some group working under Joel. I defended myself but ended up killing them on accident. I freaked out honestly. I didn't want to be known as a murderer, it wasn’t my fault either. So I went into hiding, praying nobody would ever find me, that I would be okay. Joel eventually found me though."

"I feel like Joel fucked your life up," Ray mutters, and Ryan just laughs.

"Well, he wasn’t really mad at me, that, and he offered to protect me, apologizing for how stupid that group acted. He didn’t send them after me or anything, they just decided on their own to fuck some people up. Joel said if anything, I should be mad at him for not keeping his people in line. So I became his underling, it was better than my job after all, took on small tasks, practiced being in this life."

"You were dragged in."

"I suppose. But I didn't really mind after a while. Despite how gruesome this job was, Joel made it kinda fun. I heard stories about the other Big Five as well, Matt's were terrifying to learn about though. He was a scary guy back then."

"He still kinda is," Ray says, pouting a bit, "I can't talk to him without feeling like he'll arrest me right there. Also, real quick, you sound like an old geezer right now, just so you know."

 

Ryan laughs.

"I suppose I do sound old," Ryan says, "But I am a gent after all. Old as dicks, as Geoff would say."

" _Gross_ , don't say that, doesn't sound right coming from you."

"Sorry, but I always wanted to say it once."

"Well, don't do it again, please. I like your poetic, pretty theater voice."

They both laugh now, but shortly after Ryan's face becomes somber, as he smiles sadly.

 

"This part gets darker. Sorry, to ruin the mood."

"It's fine, we're both fuckups anyways. I’m here to listen, like how you did for me."

Ryan remains silent, and a few minutes pass before he sighs and continues.

"One day, Joel asks me to go undercover. To spy on this small gang he has his suspicious about. So I took the job, it wasn't hard after all. But this group was twisted, cruel. They were monsters."

Ray watches Ryan's expression harden, and he tenses up. He never liked seeing Ryan without a smile, never liked it when Ryan was upset. It was rare, but there were times Ray would find Ryan staring off into space with a tense, yet sad expression.

"They didn't trust me either, so in order to gain their trust, I was sent me to kill an old member of theirs. Said to kill both him and his wife, leave no survivors. It wasn't hard to do. I just wore the skull mask, found the guy, walked in, and shot him. Then I shot the wife. I called in to report that the deed was done, and then a kid walked in."

Ryan smiles sadly, looking at his hands.

"I panicked. I told him there was a kid, the poor thing. She didn't comprehend her parents were dead, she thought I was her father's friend. I told him I'd clean up the bodies, dispose of the evidence, that she knew nothing yet. But, he just repeated himself. No survivors. He told me it's either her or me."

"Oh, Ryan..."

"I shot her, right through her head. I made sure it was a quick, painless death. She didn't even flinch when I aimed the gun. She just stared at the barrel, at my hands. She was so little. So fragile. And I took her life."

Ryan took a sharp intake of air, eyes shining as he tried to hold in his tears. Ray just watched, unsure what to do. So he just continued to listen, to be that support Ryan needed now.

 

"When I returned, the bastards, they tied me down. Tortured me for days, saying they knew I was a spy. But the most painful thing to me, was the thought that I killed a little girl for nothing. I was taunted by nightmares, much worse than the torture. I knew that if I didn’t say anything about the child, that if I remained quiet and just cleaned up all the evidence, she would’ve lived. I could of saved her. But I didn’t. I killed her. Eventually, I snapped from everything, the nightmares, the torture."

Ryan's shaking at this point. Ray hesitantly places his hand over Ryan's, and the man doesn't even react.

"I found my chance and killed those men. I made sure they suffered before they died, that they knew some of my pain. I hated them all, hated the fact I was a monster as well, just like them. I quit working under Joel, and went again into hiding. But this time, I just didn't talk to anyone, I hid behind this stupid, black mask, the same one I wore when I killed her. I met Geoff during this time. He treated me like I was human, didn’t care for the stories people have spun. It was nice."

Ray now entwined his fingers with Ryan's, and the man smiled. He seemed calmer.

"I guess the reason why I joined this gang was because being treated like a human was something I liked a lot. It was something I missed. I'm glad I did, because I met you."

"I'm glad you did too," Ray says, "I'm glad you're here."

 

They smiled, and Ray hugged Ryan tightly.

"I wish I could give you the world," Ryan murmurs, as he hugs Ray back, "Protect you from everything. I'm so sorry this happened Ray, I’m so sorry you had to go through this."

Ray smiled even more, tightening his grip.

"It's going to be okay, right?" he asks, "You're here with me. We'll always be together, right?"

Ryan nodded, and Ray buries his face into his shoulder. He smelled nice.

"As long as I'm around, nothing will happen to you, I'll make sure of it," Ryan says, "You'll be safe. I’ll protect you, and make sure you never have to go through this again."

"Watch yourself too, okay? Don't sacrifice yourself for me, it's not like someone's gonna shoot me through the head or something. Just, promise me you’ll be safe, that you won’t leave."

Ryan sighs, but Ray can feel him smile.

"I know that won't happen, but, still. I want to protect you, I want to keep you safe. You're so important to me."

"You're important to me too. I love you Rye."

"I love you too, Ray."

 

They release each other, and Ryan presses his lips on Ray's. The kiss is sweet, warm, and Ray can't help but tear up a bit. He missed this.

So he kisses back, with a strong need to remind his lips how Ryan's are sculpted, how they're so perfect and how he gives these stupid Disney prince like kisses. He loves these stupid kisses though, so much.

When they pull away, Ryan just smiles, blushing a bit. Ray can't help but grin.

"I love you Ryan," he says, and Ryan grins as well, Ray's heart skipping a small beat.

"I love you too, Ray."

"We're going to be okay, right?"

"Of course. I'm here with you. You're with me. We got each other's backs. R and R Connection, right?"

 

Ray laughs, and Ryan joins in, their laughter meshing together to make music in Ray's ears. God, he felt so light. He felt happy.

"Fuck yeah. R and R Connection forever," he says, and Ryan gives Ray one more kiss.

They'll be okay.

  
_… Right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends, it's been a while huh? what did you think of the new chapter? i really hope it wasn't OOC or anything, i'm always worried/cautious about backstories because of this 3 so i guess this is my excuse as to why it took so long, and im very sorry /3
> 
> anyways, please leave a comment if you find any errors, want to ask me any questions, leave any theories, or just say hi! it's always nice hearing your input!! <33 thank you all so much for your support and comments up to now as well, it's helped push me to write <33
> 
> love you all!! see you next chapter!! <333
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	23. Promise me you'll come home and smile again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two weeks later, and we're here. and soon, the new gang arc will be over. i think there's two/three chapters left? hehehe, we're so close to my favorite scene <33
> 
> enjoy the chapter!!

A week passes.

 

Gavin had stuck very close to Ray. Whenever he entered the living room, he would quickly scope Ray out, cozy up to him and take his laptop or phone out to relax. Ray didn't mind, the contact was nice, he felt reassured whenever this occurred. Like the world wasn't taunting him.

If Gavin wasn't around, Ryan would cuddle with Ray. He would come home from some errand (which were more frequent as days passed), take his skull mask off, and wrap his arms around Ray, not caring if he hadn't checked in with Geoff or not. Ray always used this time to run his fingers through Ryan's long hair, playing with it or putting it in a braid. It was always a warm, comforting time for the both of them.

Ray also realized Jack returned home frequently now. He hadn't been out as much as before, the longest he had been out this week was six hours. He also saw Geoff conversing with him, and though it seem a bit forced, a bit tense, the two would end up smiling after every conversation. He was happy with that.

Lindsay was always out, but not because she was angry. She went to visit Michael at Caleb's, help take care of him. She also told Ray that a lot of people were visiting the lad, even if some were only short visits to pop in.

She said Burnie and Ashley came in with a bouquet of flowers (most of Burnie's crew popped in to say hello as well), that Meg came by a lot, and that the most surprising visit was from Joel, Jeremy and Matt. They brought even more flowers, in fact, they probably brought the most flowers out of everyone combined. She said she was grateful for their support, and hoped Michael would wake up as well so he could see all of this.

And another week passes.

It's been a month now. Days pass by slowly. Ray hasn't been on a heist or errand in forever, but he stays sharp by practicing up on rooftops, shooting street signs or bottles on the ground.

He hears updates about the new gang. Gavin keeps tabs on everything that looks like it could be a hit, banks, police stations... Anything that could help to learn who these guys are.

And then, a few days later, Geoff asks for Ray to come with him to see Michael.

Michael has finally woken up.

"He's okay?!" Ray asks, standing up so quickly he almost gives himself whiplash. Geoff nods, hands shoved in his pockets.

"He woke up a few moments ago. Lindsay contacted me," he says, "Says he uh, that he wants to see you."

Ray can't help the tears that swell in his eyes, but he quickly rubs them away. Despite being so happy, so relieved, he can't help but fear the encounter. What did Michael want with him? Why Ray, why not Gavin or even Lindsay.

"... Do I have to go?" Ray asks, and Geoff nods. There's no other option apparently.

"Alright. Give me a few minutes."

* * *

 

Ray can't help but realize that it's been awhile since he drove with Geoff, since they had a casual drive across Los Santos. Granted, it was a bit urgent, and Geoff didn't stop at the occasional red light, but whatever. It was the same thing.

Geoff had been awfully quiet though, occasionally eyeing Ray or opening his mouth to say something, only to shut it quickly. It bothered Ray a lot, but he knew his boss wasn't the greatest at conversing. Especially when it came to himself.

It was when they pulled up to Caleb's that Geoff placed a hand on Ray's shoulder.

"Hey, uh," he begins, smacking his lips a bit as if the words felt foreign to him, "I'm... I'm sorry. For everything."

Ray just stared at him, unsure as to what he should say. Geoff sighed, releasing Ray, and sunk into his chair.

"I know I fuckin' messed up," he continues, "This is basically all my fuckin' fault. I know just saying sorry won't uh, won't fix anything. But I had to say it.

"This isn't anyone's fault," Ray said, "You've told me countless times it wasn't mine."

"That's cause it fuckin' wasn't. It was mine. If I hadn't been so stuck up, if I told you all, this wouldn't of fuckin' happened."

"Geoff, it's fine."

"... I'm sorry."

"Will it make you feel better if I said anything?"

Geoff thinks about it, before smiling sadly.

"Not really," he murmured, and Ray sighed.

"Then what should I do?"

"I dunno. Be you. Usually you, uh, you help me feel better, even though you don't do much."

Ray just smirked, and leaned back in the seat.

"Well, whatever I do that makes you happy, hopefully it'll pop up. Can't have a moping boss after all, what would the world think of us? The horror of it all."

Geoff chuckles. Ray hides his pride, but allows a small smile to rest on his face.

 

"Fuck the world," Geoff says.

"That's the boss I know," Ray says, "Thank god. Thought I had to tell everyone that my boss was fucking dead."

"Don't kill me off yet kid," Geoff sneers, "I'm old as dicks but I got a ton of fuckin' time left in me."

"See, when _you_ say it I don't give a shit, but Ryan should never say that. Ever."

"Please don't bring your fuckin' boyfriend into our disscussions."

"Hey, he's all I got in my mind."

"Of course. What did I expect?"

They laugh, and Ray can tell that Geoff needed this more than he let on. He doesn't look as worried anymore, doesn't look as tired. Ray can't help but feel more pride swell in him for being able to help the man.

"Hey, Ray?" Geoff begins.

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever change."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Don't change."

"What brought this on?"

"I dunno," Geoff sighs out, smiling, "When you're, uh, when you're as old as me, you begin to see how important the little things are. But uh, you aren't a little thing, you're this huge clusterfuck of important things I guess."

"Could you please explain that in words that'll help me understand? I'm not that fucking smart."

"Just, don't leave us, I guess."

Ray can't help but stare at Geoff like he had grown another head. In fact, that probably would make more sense than what Geoff said.

"You fuckin' keep the group together," Geoff continues, "You always make us feel, I dunno, safe? No, that's a terrible fuckin' word. Look, what I'm trying to say is, uh, fuck, Jack does this better than me."

"Should I call good ol' Jack then?"

"No, I can do this on my fuckin' own, fuck you."

"Alright then."

Geoff stares at Ray, and Ray waits patiently for the man to say something. Geoff sighs.

"You're like, like glue I guess."

"Wow, _gross_."

"Let me fuckin' finish, jesus."

"Sorry."

"You keep the group together, whether you realize or not. If it weren't for you, uh, a lot of things would be different. Jack and I agree that without you, we'd probably won't communicate as much as we do. We'd probably fight a lot more actually."

"So, like, I'm the baby that keeps the parents from divorcing."

"No? I mean, maybe?" Geoff says, looking as confused as Ray, "You're just, uh, chill, you calm the group down when shit gets tough."

"Are we still talking about me?"

"Yeup. I mean it Ray. You're important to the group, to me. I'm happy you're on the team."

"Aw, thanks dad."

Geoff smirks, and punches Ray's shoulder lightly.

"Don't make me fuckin' regret telling you anything. You're just as bad as Gavin."

"We're two peas in a pod."

"Two _idiots_ in a pod, that's for fuckin' sure."

Ray grins, and Geoff just sighs loudly. They get out of the car now, and head into the building. Geoff leads Ray down to Michael's room, before pausing, hand resting on the doorknob. Ray eyes him curiously.

"Ray?" he begins.

"Yeah?"

"I meant what I said, back in the car. You're important. Don't ever change, don't _ever_ leave."

Ray smiles, and nudges Geoff's shoulder with his own.

"I won't."

Geoff smiles, and opens the door.

"Geoff!! Did you bring Ray?!" Michael's voice echoes, and Ray's breath hitches in his throat, chest swelling with emotion.

"Yeah I did, shouldn't you be asleep or some shit?" Geoff says casually, grinning as he walks in.

"Fuck that, I've been asleep for a month! I'm not sleeping for at least a week now."

Ray follows in hesitantly, unsure what to say, what to do. When he makes eye contact with Michael though, the lad before him grins with his arms spread wide, and Ray lets a small gasp escape from him.

"Ray!!" he yells, "Get the fuck over here!!"

And so Ray runs over, hugging his best friend tightly. Tears fall from his face, as he holds onto Michael tightly, intending to never let go. Michael holds onto Ray just as tightly, face buried in his shoulder, which becomes soaked in the lad's tears. But Ray doesn't care.

**Michael is awake.**

"You okay?" Michael asks, "They didn't hurt you too bad?"

"No, I'm okay," Ray murmurs, "I should be asking you if you're okay, god, I thought I lost you, I thought you were gone forever."

"Never," Michael says, pulling away to look Ray in the eyes, "And leave you all? That's never going to happen, even if you want it too."

Ray laughs, surprised at how pathetic it sounds.

"I never want you to leave, honestly," he says, and Michael smiles.

"Same goes for you buddy. You're my best friend, and I'm glad you're here. Glad you're okay. I missed you."

"I missed you too, so fucking much that it's embarrassing."

Ray smiles at Michael, and presses his forehead against his. His friend was awake, he was okay. Michael was okay. _They're_ okay.

Thank god.

"If you two are done making out, we got some important business to discuss," Geoff says, interrupting the moment. Ray pulls away from Michael, and stares at Geoff.

"Are we finally going to fight those fuckers?" Michael asks, a sharp tone to his voice.

Geoff nods, and Ray reaches for Michael's hand.

"Once the others get here, we're going to plan shit out," Geoff says.

"We're going to fight back."

* * *

 

Jack and Gavin were the first to arrive, Gavin launching himself onto Michael and smothering him in kisses. Jack and Geoff conversed in the meanwhile, and Ray couldn't help but notice how they seemed more comfortable, more friendly with each other than before.

Lindsay arrived next. She too was all over Michael, kissing him and hugging him tightly, crying her heart out. Apparently she had gone out for a small errand before Michael woke up, so the first person to see the lad awake was indeed Geoff and Ray. But Ray could only smile at how happy Gavin and Lindsay were, how loving they were towards Michael. It was a warm sight.

And then, Ryan arrived. Ray went over to him as soon as he entered, and kissed him, Lindsay and Gavin having rubbed off him. Ryan returned the kiss passionately, smiling when they pulled away.

"You okay?" he asked, and Ray nodded.

"I'm just happy," Ray murmurs, "Very happy."

"I'm glad. How's Michael?"

"As you can see," Ray gestures to the lad, "He's getting attacked by Lindsay and Gavin's kisses. Other than that though, he's fine, he'll just be on crutches for a while."

"Absolute bullshit by the way!" Michael yells, frowning, "I'm perfectly fine, but Caleb is being a little bitch and saying it's for the best."

"It is for the best," Caleb says, entering with a food tray, "So stop whining and suck it up. You're on crutches for two weeks, and you can't do anything extreme for those two weeks, so no drag racing."

"That's no fucking fun!" Michael whines, "Caleb, why you gotta be so mean."

"Because nobody listens to a nice doctor," Caleb huffs out, placing the tray besides Michael's bed, "And make sure you take your medicine! It's safety precautions but-"

"I get it already, jesus christ Caleb!"

The man just smirks and heads out. Geoff cracks a smile, and nudges Jack, who just shakes his head while hiding his own smile.

"Anyways," Geoff says, "Gavin, you brought your laptop, right?"

"Yeup! I didn't forget it this time!" Gavin said, as he grabbed his backpack and pulled out the laptop, grinning away while he set it up.

Geoff just nodded, and leaned back on the wall, arms folded, lost in thought. That never was a good sign, but Ray decided to not think much of it until he got the information he needed.

"It's ready!" Gavin yelled, and everyone but Geoff turned to face the laptop.

"It's a voice clip now because the video quality was horrid, shite cameras, but it's in the same location as before. I don't think they've picked up that I'm in," Gavin said, "Geoff already heard it, but he said we should discuss it as a group."

From the corner of his eye, Ray could see Jack smile warmly back at Geoff, before quickly returning his gaze on the laptop. Ray decided that the less he knew about what Geoff and Jack discussed, the better.

"Anyways, here," Gavin continued, "Maybe you two-" he gestured to Ray and Michael, "-recognize the voices?"

He clicked play, and there was a small amount of static, before the voices became clear.

_"Where the fuck is my information?"_

Ray tensed up. That was the scary hockey mask boss, he could recognize it easily.

_"Look, you can't push for these things! We're slowly getting it out of him, please calm down."_

An unknown voice, but the way Lindsay looked, she most likely knew who it was.

_"Calm down?! After your fuckup with Blackcat, how can I?! Plus, we don't have Brownman or Mogar with us, nothing has gone to plan so far!"_

_"Hey, you're the one who shot Mogar, it isn't our fault that they aren't here! Don't yell at us, at him!"_

__

That was someone new. Ray didn't recognize the voice.

__

_"Whatever! I don't wanna hear it. I just want my information from that damn broker, and we're good. Make sure everything is set, we want to make sure they know that we have Risinger, they'll come for their friend after all."_

_"But Bo--"_

__

And static. Gavin leaned back to look at Geoff, who nodded. With that, the laptop was shut, the air in the room tense.

"So, you heard it. They have Risinger," Geoff said, "This is our group right? Lindsay, Michael, Ray? Recognize the voices?"

"I recognize the polite one," Lindsay said, "He attacked me, but his friend is who did me in. Dunno about the boss or the other dude."

"I don't recognize any of them but the boss. These are our guys," Michael grumbled, fists clenched, "They have Risinger? Since when?! Fuck, this is absolute bullshit..."

Ray crossed his arms, and bit his inner cheek. This was more troubling than he thought. Risinger was a good friend, though they never really interacted much. He got them information when they needed it at least. They hadn't talked in awhile though, maybe eight months? How long have these guys had Risinger?

"We gotta rescue him, I mean, he's our friend," Jack began, "He's helped us out plenty."

"Yeah, but why us? If anything, he's closer to Burnie's gang," Geoff began, "Why do we have to save him?"

"Maybe because we're the only one who knows they have him? Geoff, we can't just leave him there with those guys."

"Maybe it's a trap. I can't take risks, plus they said something about someone coming to save Risinger. Doesn't mean it has to be us."

"But they were talking about Lindsay, Michael and Ray! Maybe they expect us, maybe they want us to go in?"

"Whatever the case is," Ray cut in, "We gotta save him. He's our friend."

Everyone stared at him, and he bit his cheek a bit harder. Shit. He felt like he said something stupid, he probably did. He didn't make eye contact with anyone, but he knew they were watching him.

"Well, Ray is right," Ryan said, shrugging, "If he's your friend, you should help him. These guys are dangerous, and they're expecting someone to come. So let's give them what they want, surprise them."

Ray looked up at Ryan, who smiled down at him. Heart swelling with warmth, Ray mouthed thanks before looking back to Geoff, who shook his head, but smiled.

"Fine. Gavin, give them a rundown on the place."

"Alright! Well, it's a warehouse, at the edge of town, far from civilians," Gavin began, "There's no spots for you to snipe from though, so you're gonna have to come in with us, sorry XRay."

Ray shrugged, but he prayed to go he wouldn't have to fight. That, or maybe he could go in and find a spot to hide behind, to snipe at close range. Never a good idea, but it's the best option he had.

"The only way in is through the entrance," Gavin continued, "The other ways in are destroyed or blocked off. They set it up good, we can't do any sneak attacks or surprise them."

 

"Yes we can," Michael said, cracking his knuckles, "They'll be expecting someone to be careful, to find another way in. So let's barge in, guns blazing, freak them out!"

"That's too risky," Jack said quickly, making Michael frown, "What if Risinger is caught in the crossfire? Or maybe they have it set up so if we shoot, they kill him."

"What if we just go in, peacefully?" Ryan said, "Hands out, no tricks up our sleeves. If they have a hostage, they want some sort of negotiations, maybe something we have?"

"But what if they start shooting at us?" Jack asked, "They may not like that we're there. Then what?"

"Well... Ray can go save him while we fight them off?" Ryan said, looking down at Ray, "This way, he doesn't have to shoot anyone, and we can get Risinger out of there safely."

"What is there's a bodyguard on Risinger?" Gavin cried out, "He'd be in danger!"

"Someone has to watch him, _obviously_ , maybe Geoff? He's best at fighting off people and getting out of the way."

"I'm up for it," Geoff said, "I can protect him, make sure he's safe. But it's up to you Ray, what do you think? You think you can do it?"

Ray's heart thudded in his chest at the question. He was tasked with such an important job, one that could go wrong easily and fail. But he couldn't fail, he wouldn't. Not when they were trying to figure out a way to make sure he didn't have to fight. Not when they were giving him the safest option.

"I'll do it," Ray said, nonchalant, as if he wasn't freaking out inside, "YOLO, right? At least I'll be useful."

"I'll be Geoff's backup if things go wrong," Ryan added in, smiling brightly at Ray, "So we have a plan, right?"

"We go in, try to see what they want, and if things look sour, Ray will go bust Risinger out of there while we fend off the baddies," Geoff rambled, "We all good with that?"

Everyone nodded.

"Then it's set," Geoff said, "We move in two weeks. Maybe they'll send out some information about Risinger, try to bait one of us out. If they do, well, that makes this easier."

After that meeting, everyone had decided to hang around Caleb's a bit more. Lindsay, Ryan and Gavin stayed with Michael, while Geoff and Jack went to call Burnie, Gus and Joel. Matt would be informed of their plan and info from Joel.

Ray left Michael's room, and headed into the kitchen. He needed some water, some time to himself really. It's not everyday you're trusted with a huge task after all, one that could end someone's life if you messed up.

God, he hopes he doesn't fuck up.

"Ray!"

He turned around to Ryan, who had called out to him, smiling softly. He waited for his boyfriend to catch up, before chuckling.

"Sup Rye?" he asked, "Couldn't stand being away from me?"

"No, I just, uh," Ryan blushed slightly, biting his bottom lip, "I'm sorry. I put you on the spot, and it's my fault you gotta do this now..."

"Rye, please," Ray began, smiling, "It's fine. I mean, kinda freaked out, but hey! I can help the team out at least. Besides, you gave me the safest job. It should be a cinch to get Risinger out of there."

Ryan smiled, and cupped Ray's cheek.

"You're amazing," he murmured, "I love you Ray. Be careful out there."

Ray grinned, heart beating loudly.

"Love you too. But don't talk like that, we have two weeks before the big mission, we should go on a ton of dates. Have fun before the big day."

"You really think I hadn't plan on that?"

"Super cheesy as usual I see."

"Anything for you, Ray."

"I love you so fucking much Ryan."

"I love you too."

Ray beamed up at his boyfriend, before kissing his lips.

"Y'know, when this is all over, I should show you my most treasured thing," Ray murmured, kissing Ryan again, "It's silly, but I really wanna show you it."

"What, some childhood relic? Or is it related to the man who you owe?"

"It's something he gave me, and it helped me get to here. Helped me find you. So I think it's some good luck charm, maybe the guy cast a spell on it or something."

"I have to thank him then. You're the best thing to have come into my life after all."

Ray laughed, and continued to kiss Ryan. He couldn't wait for this bullshit to be over with, couldn't wait for Ryan to see his beloved (or hated) hat.

In two weeks, everything would be over, done with. He would never have to worry about some stupid gang, or someone hurting his loved ones.

He'd never have to worry again really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so! next chapter, we finally learn of the bad guys!! <33 im super duper excited for the next chapter, it'll be super... well... exciting!!  
> spoiler: im so sorry risinger fans, i love him but he was the perfect role for this 3
> 
> see you next chapter!! leave a comment or kudos, i love hearing from everyone!! <333
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!!)


	24. Never was one to keep a promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's early with a chapter? this author! im so happy to release this chapter, i've been so excited for it ever since i came up with it, and im just, man, i'll let you get to it, it's just, im so excited, and kinda worried tbh right now. the troubles of a writer, hahaha... also, quick note - tags will change as this story progresses.
> 
> im sorry.

The next two weeks were the most romantic, relaxing times Ray had, despite how fucking cheesy it sounded. He spent most of his time with Ryan, going out for small dates or just cuddling on the couch watching some stupid movie. They always talked, and there was never a time where either were bored of the conversation.

When Ryan was out on a small recon mission, Ray spent his time with whoever dragged him off the couch. Usually, this was Gavin, who forced him to come visit Michael with him despite the fact he visited on his own a few hours ago.

Not that Ray really protested.

The time spent with Michael and Gavin reminded Ray of their usual days, where they would have fun and not worry of some stupid gang. Lindsay would occasionally pop in as well, and those days were when always loud and vibrant, filled with laughter. Ray also heard from Caleb that Michael was healing pretty well, and that after the two weeks he should be all ready for their rescue mission.

Which meant time would be cruel, and pass quickly. Life never really favored him after all, it always had different plans.

A week passed by in a blur. Ray soon felt anxious, worried that this week would pass too quickly as well. He wasn't ready, nor did he feel like he ever would be.

And yet, whenever these thoughts became too much to bare, everyone would always reassure him that whatever happened, he'd be okay. Whenever he began to overthink, whenever he felt sick to his stomach, someone would always make him feel better. They'd all support him, they would all make sure he was okay.

He loved this group so much. They were always there, always by his side. He felt better every time someone spent time with him, every time they told him, it’s okay. He loved them all so much.

And then, a week passed.

They were all given time the day before the mission to spend time with their loved ones. Geoff left early to have time with Griffon, and Jack did the same, wanting to spend the entire day with Caiti. Lindsay, Michael and Gavin all left mid afternoon to mess around in town.

Which left Ray and Ryan alone.

The two decide to just watch a movie, cuddle, the usual. There was no reason to do anything special.

"Hey Rye?" Ray began halfway through, having lost interest, "Are we... are we going to be okay?"

"I'm pretty sure we'll be fine," Ryan murmured, snuggling up to Ray, "Geoff and I got your back. Plus, Jack's with us this time as backup, just in case. It may be the first mission with everyone is on the ground team, but it'll be safer this way. Safety in numbers."

"But what if I mess up, and Risinger gets killed? Or worse, one of you gets-"

"Ray," Ryan began, cutting the lad off as he cupped Ray's face, "Don't worry. That's the worst case scenario, and I _swear_ I won't let that happen. I'll protect your friends, if that makes you feel better."

"... They're your friends too," Ray grumbled as he leaned into Ryan's hand, "Protect everyone, including yourself. Please. I can't lose anyone, not after Michael, that was terrifying y'know."

"Then I promise I'll protect everyone. Just promise me you won't do anything reckless."

"Me, reckless? Ryan, please, if anything, I might get a small cut. I'll be fine, I'm just worried about you guys... mainly you."

"What's bothering you so much?"

"I don't want to save Risinger and then learn that you took a bullet, or that someone got killed. My job is the sniper, I'm meant to protect you all, but this time I can't do that. It's weird, and I just-"

Ryan pressed his forehead against Ray's, and the lad's words dried up in his mouth. He just stared at Ryan's blue eyes, which were kind and filled with a tender love towards Ray.

"Ray," Ryan began, a soft smile decorating his beautiful face, "You don't have to protect everyone all the time. The most important priority should be protecting yourself. Promise me that you won't worry so much about us, and that you come home to me, okay?"

"Y'know that I'll still worry about everyone," Ray couldn't help but say, which made Ryan chuckle.

"I know," he said, "But at least promise me you'll come home to me. Please."

"I will. I'm not the best promise keeper, but I know that's something I can easily do. But you gotta promise me that you'll come back home too, so I can show you that damn hat."

"Hat?"

"My most precious treasure. It's also why I'm here, why I met you? We talked about this before."

"A hat... so your most precious treasure is a hat?"

"Don't say it like that, jesus. I got it from this guy who stuffed cash in it for me, my savior in a way I guess, when I lived on the streets. It's important to me."

Ryan watched Ray with curious eyes, and the lad couldn't help but blush a bit.

"D-don't fucking judge," Ray grumbled out, "It's kinda embarrassing, but like, it's still important to me. As much as I hate to admit it."

"I'm not judging, I'm just... huh," Ryan began, voice calm, "I'd rather see this hat first actually. I think...well, let me see the hat first. Sorry."

Ray furrowed his brows, and stared at Ryan, who was staring back at him. After a short minute, the two couldn't help but laugh, before leaning in to kiss the other.

When they pulled away, Ray laid on top of Ryan, hugging him tightly.

 

"Ryan?" Ray began again after a good thirty minutes.

"Yes Ray?"

"You promised me you'll be safe tomorrow. Don't break it."

"I promise I won't as long as you promise me you'll come home."

"I promise. I love you Rye."

"And I love you, Ray, I love you so much."

“Thank you, for being a part of my life.”

* * *

 

They left in the morning. The drive there was about two hours, so they'd be stuck in the car for a while. Ray rode with Jack and obviously Ryan, while Geoff had taken Gavin, Michael and Lindsay. The couple sat together in the backseat, holding hands tightly, remaining quiet so Jack could converse with Caiti. After that, he called up Geoff so they could discuss plans once more.

"Hello? Hello, you hear me?" the man's voice rang through the car, "Whatever. You can hear me. Anyways, here's the plan one more fuckin' time so Jack feels better."

Jack chuckled, but he didn't smile afterwards.

 

"Alright, uh, we go in all together, but keep your guns hidden. Ryan and Michael, you stay in the back so they don't see our heavier weaponry, you have our biggest guns. Lindsay, Jack and I will uh, will be in the front, while Gavin, Ray, you two cover our sides. Ray, make sure you're ready to make a run for it in case things get ugly. Michael and Ryan will cause the most havoc to make sure they're distracted, and I got your back."

"Got it boss," Ray said, "I'll trust you."

"Damn right you trust me! Anyways, Jack, make sure you get behind me if and when they start shooting. Gavin, stay close to Lindsay, cover her right. Ryan, you stay close to me and Michael, I need you in case I can't get to Ray in time."

Ryan squeezed Ray's hand, and Ray squeezed back, unsure how to feel now. This was really happening.

"Once Risinger is out, we either capture or kill on sight. Matt said he'd clean up after, and though he prefers the enemy alive, he said there's no real penalty if they're dead. Burnie is our backup, he's bringing half the team if I send out the distress signal, or just, y'know, call him."

"Is Joel part of the mission?" Ray heard Michael ask.

"No, but he's watching from behind the scenes as usual, I think he's uh, he's most likely with Matt to be honest. They've been negotiating something, I dunno, that and I don't care."

"It's not like he does much anyways," Ray murmured, and he heard Ryan chuckle beside him. It warmed his heart.

"Whatever, anyways, that's pretty much it. Get in, get Risinger out, knock the bad guys out, and call Matt. We'll leave the scene enemy free. Any questions?"

Nobody said anything. So, with that, Geoff assigned their usual codenames, and the rest of the ride was in silence. The only thing that occurred was Ryan rechecking everyone's weapons and distributing some more. Ray was handed two handguns and four cases of ammo, as well as some throwing knives, just in case.

And with that, they arrived at the warehouse.

"... Hey, Ray, be... be careful," Jack began, just as they were piling out of the car, "I know almost everyone has already told you, but make sure you stay safe. It's going to be okay, we got your back."

Ray smiled, but was taken back when Jack engulfed him in a giant bear hug. He looked up at the man, who sighed loudly.

"Be safe. The team needs you," he murmured, before releasing Ray, "I'm not the best fighter, but I'll try and protect everyone, so just worry about yourself, okay?"

Ray stared at Jack, before nodding, trying hard not to say anything stupid. The bearded man smiled, and left to stay with Geoff.

"Ray?" Ryan said as he approached the lad, "You okay?"

"Yeah," Ray could only murmur out, "I'm okay."

“Hey,” Ryan began, smiling once again as he got down to face level with Ray, “It’s going to be okay. I’m here. I’ll make sure, that when this is all over, we spend a lot of time together, and have fun. No more worrying about any stupid gangs. Okay?”

Ray smiled, leaning in to kiss Ryan. He returned it, and the two shared this moment for what felt like forever. It was a good luck kiss, a stay safe kiss, the I love you kiss. It was their kiss.

When they pulled away, Ray hugged Ryan tightly, which was obviously returned.

“Please be safe,” Ray murmured.

“As long as you’re safe, I won’t do anything crazy,” Ryan said, “I love you.”

“I love you too Ryan.”

They released each other, and with one more quick kiss on the lips, Ryan nodded, and headed his way. Ray took a deep breath in, and sighed as loudly as he could, releasing all the tension in that sigh.

 

"You ready Brownman?" Geoff asked, as Michael handed him a gun.

"I'm ready," Ray said loudly, as well as a bit proudly. He would do this. Nothing could go wrong. It'd be okay.

"Alright. Let's go."

* * *

 

The door was opened quickly, and they entered a large, open space. Immediately Ray tried to scope out a place where he could hide, but to no avail, there was nothing useful other than some pillars here and there. He cussed under his breath, but kept quiet, wary of the surrounding area.

"Where are they?" Gavin asked in a quiet voice, as he scanned the room.

"Maybe they're out?" Geoff whispered, as he stood straight, looking around, "Ray, go find Risinger while we look around. There's a door to my left, be careful."

With a quick nod from Ryan, Ray left the room quickly. He didn't look around, but he made sure to be aware of his surroundings. He walked down the hallway, listening, waiting almost.

And then, he heard gunshots from the previous room.

Ray whipped around, looking back where he came from. There was shouting, yelling, and just the sound of rapid gunfire. He wanted to run back, but knew that he wouldn't be any help. So instead, he ran. He prayed for their safety, he prayed that they would be okay when he came back with Risinger.

It was at the very end of the hall that he found their target, tied to a chair, blood seeping from a head wound.

"Hey!! Are you alright?!" Ray asked, as he began to untie the man, "Stay with me man, we're here to save you. Fuck, are you okay?!"

Risinger nodded, though he seemed dazed. Ray took out a his small health kit, and began to patch up his wounds. Risinger flinched, but said nothing.

"I need you to respond to me, are you okay? What happened?" Ray asked, "Risinger?"

"I'm... I'm sorry, I just," Risinger began, his voice hoarse, "I'm okay. They didn't do a lot. I'm okay, sorry."

"Good," Ray sighed out, relief washing over him, "Don't apologize either. Come on, let's go. I have to go help."

With Risinger following close behind, Ray began to run down the hall, praying that nothing went wrong. Praying he'd see everyone okay. It was halfway down though, that he turned around to see Risinger missing.

“Risinger?!” Ray called out, running back. Where was he, what happened?! He was just behind him a second ago…

He entered a room, only to find a man on the ground, slowly getting up. Ray whipped his gun out, unsure what to do. Who was he?! What was happening?

The man looked up, and his eyes got wide. He quickly got onto his feet, before pushing Ray out of the room, breathing heavily. Blood dripped down his head, and fell in small drops on the ground. Ray was beyond confused at this point.

“Run!!” the man cried, “Please, get out of here!”

“Wh- what do you mean?! What, who are you?!” Ray asked, as the man shook his head, leaning on the wall for support.

“N-No time, he’s here, he’s listening!! Please, run, save yourself!! I’m, I’m so sorry,” the man said, as he took a deep breath, “Run!!”

Ray hesitated, but soon realized what this exactly meant. The others were in danger.

“Ryan,” Ray whispered out, as he dashed towards the door.

_Please, god, keep them safe. Don’t let them die, please, let me get to them in time._

* * *

 

When Ray had left, Ryan noticed something odd as he examined the room. There was only one hallway accessible, the one Ray ran down, for the rest blocked off by tables or objects. As if they wanted someone to go down that path. His heart skipped a beat when he realized that Ray was alone.

"Geoff, I'm not sure that sending Ray was a good idea," Ryan began, "I need--"

A bullet whizzed by Ryan's head, and he whipped around to shoot where it came from. He heard his bullet hit the wall though, and cussed under his breath. Everyone took their guns out, and clapping was soon heard.

"Welcome, Fake AH Crew!" a voice called, as a man wearing a monkey mask appeared, clapping away, "We are so happy to have you here!"

With that, some more people appeared. There were six in total, and Ryan eyed the two beside him, one wearing a wolf mask, the other with an owl mask. He knew now that this was indeed staged, planned perfectly.

 

They fell for a trap.

"With that being said, I can't help but notice your beloved Brownman is missing! No matter, we have someone to deal with him," monkey mask continued, "I do hope you're prepared for this fight!"

"It sounds super fucking staged," Michael hissed, aiming his gun at the eagle masked one.

"It is staged, we're trapped," Ryan said, "They planned this. They staged it all. Geoff, go get Ray, leave this to us, please!"

"I can't, not yet at least, I need an opening," Geoff whispered, tone harsh. He aimed his gun at their leader figure, and then raising his voice, asked, "Who are you?! What do you want with us?"

"... It's not what we want," the man said, with a bit more sincerity than Ryan expected, "It's what the boss wants. We're aiming for the top though, if you really want to know. You're in the way, so it's pretty obvious what we want, no?"

"Well, at least you're honest," Geoff murmured, "Thanks. Now, fuck off, I have a lad to save."

The gunfire was deafening, but ignoring it all, Ryan took cover behind a pillar. He didn't pay attention to the others (he knew they were safe for now though, he could see them in his peripheral vision) and fired away.

He heard shouting from various people, calls of orders, but none were addressed to him. He eyed the hallway, praying Ray was safe.

"Fuck-!!" Michael cried, and Ryan's thoughts were halted as he watched the lad get taken down by the eagle masked man, soon pinned to the ground. He aimed at the man but soon felt someone grab his arms, and pin him against the pillar. Both men from earlier were on him, holding him down.

"Let me go!" Ryan yelled, trying to shake them off, but to no avail. He struggled, before he realized one of the men was shaking.

"Forgive us," the man in the owl mask, the one shaking, hissed, which made Ryan freeze, "It was either one of you or one of us. We couldn't stop him, we had no choice!"

"What are you talking about?!" Ryan asked, heart thudding in his chest.

"I'm so sorry. We don't want this, we never did, but we had no choice," the owl mask whispered, and Ryan's eyes darted to the hallway.

 

_No, god, please. Not this._

"Let me go!!" Ryan cried, now panicking as he struggle to get free, "Ray!! Ray, god, fuck!!"

The two did well as they held him down. Ryan could see everyone cornered as well, unable to escape, unable to do anything. He wanted to scream his heart out, to beg Ray not to come. To flee, to live. No one could help, they were all trapped, and oh god, _Ray_.

It's _his_ fault. He _told_ Ray to do this. Ray was in danger because of _him_. Ray, he could die. And it'd be _his_ fault, god, no.

" **RAY!!!** " Ryan screamed, tears swelling in his eyes. God, please don't let him come, make him run far, far away from here. Let him live.

But life is and always has been cruel and unfair.

Ray rounded the corner, and entered the battlefield, only to hesitate when he saw everyone. Ryan's heart stopped as the lad held his gun out, shaking, eyes filled with fear.

"Let them go!!" Ray cried, "Now!!"

"Ray, get out of here!" Geoff yelled, as he struggled to get free himself. Ray looked at Ryan, eyes wide.

"Ray, run!!" Ryan cried, struggling even more, "It's a trap, run--!!!"

 

** _It was his fault._ **

** _  
_ **

He watched as a hand grabbed Ray, and yanked him backwards. He watched a knife be placed on Ray's neck, and the blade cut through his skin, Ray's small gasp making Ryan's heart explode.

_No. God, no, why this?_

He watched as the thick, red fluid ran down his throat as the lad's face paled. Ray made eye contact with Ryan once more, before he was released, falling to the ground, his hand on the wound. He lay there, face down, blood pooling around him, with his sharp, coarse gasps for air echoing in the room.

_Ray, no, what have I done? **Oh god, why?**_

"Well," the killer began, as he entered Ryan's field of vision, "Brownman has exited the game, finally."

Ryan felt rage fill him, uncontrollable rage that begged to be released. He wanted, no, needed to murder this man, murder this fucker. He deserved no mercy, he deserved pain, so much fucking pain. He wanted to scream his anger out and destroy everything in sight.

Ray’s words echoed in his mind.

 

_I ** ~~promise~~**._

_**~~Thank you~~** for being a part of my **~~life~~**._

"I've put you all on the spot for too long, but here we are, finally!! Welcome to my game, Fake AH Crew," Jon Risinger announced, smiling wickedly.

 

 

**~~_I love you, Ryan._ ~~ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com)


	25. Birth of the Mad King

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, two weeks later, and i am here!! sorry this took so long loves, but thank you all so much for being patient and so supportive!! i hope this chapter kinda helps quell the fear/anger/despair you felt last chapter, haha <3
> 
> so, i'll let you get to it! enjoy the chapter <3

"I rather liked Brownman, or dropping the whole codename act, I _did_ like Ray. That's a shame he had to be eliminated so quickly. Oh, wait, whoops, I forgot to ask him if he knows about... things..."

Ryan heard so many screams. So many noises, everyone was in tears, it was deafening. He heard Michael's sobs of rage, Gavin's screaming, the cries and yells out to the lad...

 

All of it, white noise to him.

He instead glared at Risinger, even though the man paid no mind to him. For all Ryan knew, he acted as if he didn't just slit the throat of his lover, he acted as if this was some minor thing...

When Ryan was released by these two, oh, he'd make sure Risinger knew what he had fucking done.

"No!!" a voice cried, and everyone turned to face a small man, blood seeping from his head.

"Spoole!!" the man with the owl mask said, releasing Ryan and running over, "Oh my god, you need to treat yourself--"

"Move out of the way!" this Spoole character yelled, as he pushed the man with the mask to the side and ran to Ray (oh god he's just lying there broken why did this happen no no no). He took out a health kit, and began to do... something. Ryan couldn't see.

No matter though. They were all fucking dead anyways.

 

"You're," Lindsay began, only to hiccup, as tears streamed down her face, "You're a medic?!"

The one in question said nothing. Risinger soon approached him and Ray (get away from him get away stay far away from him I'll kill you), only to stare down, as if processing what was happening.

"You are a medic?" he asked, and Ryan saw this Spoole person flinch, "You're a medic. Huh, actually, I kinda remember that... Do I? Whatever. What are you doing? He's the enemy you know."

"He's _your_ enemy!" Spoole yelled, hands covered in blood ( _his blood it's his blood it's your fault his blood is on someone_ ), "Not ours! We didn't join for this, I didn't sign up to kill people for no reason--!!"

Risinger kicked the man's side, anger coating his once nonchalant face. But Spoole took the kick, unfazed despite the fact blood continued to drip down his head, and continued to work on Ray ( _so beautiful so broken my fault it's my fault_).

"Hey!! You swore not to hurt him once we got them here!" the owl masked one yelled, nearing the trio.

"Shut up!!" Risinger yelled at owl mask, as he glared down at Spoole, "No reason?!! Spoole, you think you're fucking funny, huh? You know very fucking well this is important!!"

"To you!! Not to us!!" Spoole cried out, and just before Risinger kicked him again, the owl masked man held him back.

"Let me go!! He hasn't learned his lesson yet!" Risinger screamed, thrashing about, "You fucker, you dare touch me?!!"

"Bruce, let him go!" wolf mask cried, "You'll make it worse!"

"No!" this Bruce person yelled, "I'm sick and tired of this, I'm not going to let him do whatever he wants!"

And then, Risinger began to laugh. He stopped thrashing, stopped screaming, and just laughed. It echoed throughout the room, everyone but Ryan stunned by his actions.

" _You're_ sick and tired of this?" Risinger asked, his laughter dying, "I'm so fucking tired Bruce. So, so tired. You know very well how fucking tired I am."

"You're sick, you need to stop," Bruce began to say, only for Risinger to headbutt him with the back of his head, released from the man's grasp. Bruce fell to the ground, holding his nose as blood poured from it, looking up at Risinger in shock.

"I'm not sick," Risinger said, tone cold, "I'm fine. I'll be even better once Michael tells me where the fuck it is."

"Tells you what?!" Gavin screamed, "Tells you bloody what exactly?! You leave him alone, you sick bastard!!"

Risinger just chuckled, as he neared Michael, who glared at him with silent tears flowing down his eyes.

"We meet again," Risinger said, "I'm glad you're alive. I need you more than ever Michael, I'm sorry that I shot you earlier, that was a silly mistake. But you just have to help me, you understand me the best out of everyone here."

"Like hell I do," Michael spat out, struggling to free himself, obviously wanting to kill ( _I'm going to kill him me not you you don't understand my rage_) Risinger, "What the fuck do you want."

"We were once in the same gang Michael, did you already forget?"

Michael's faced paled, and all traces of anger were replaced with fear, pain. He stopped struggling, and just stared at Risinger.

"Get the fuck away from him!!" Gavin screamed, as he desperately tried to fight off the man who was blocking his path, "You stop right now, leave him alone!!"

"You know, I found some of our old crewmates Michael," Risinger continued, ignoring Gavin's screams, "They still had _it_ , and I got to experience what our bosses felt! I felt like I was king of the world, unstoppable, it was amazing. But then they ran out Michael, they ran all out of it."

"You fucker, you shut the fuck up right now!" Geoff yelled, but winced from the man holding him tightening their grasp.

"You have some, right? You have to have it, we all had our own supply when the gang was destroyed. By the Fake AH Crew no less! So you must of taken some. Where is it Michael? Where did you hide them?"

"I don't..." Michael began, looking defeated, "I don't have them--"

Risinger punched his face, irrational rage coated on his face. Gavin and Lindsay screamed, and Geoff began to struggle again.

"Let's try again, shall we?!" Risinger asked with a cruel smile, "Where the _fuck_ are the drugs Michael?!!"

Michael hung his head low, his breathing shaky and unstable. Sweat dripped from his face, and he looked like his world was crumbling around him.

Ryan could care less though ( _why should I care my lover is dead he is dead why god_ ) as he watched the scene before him. Once he was let go, once he was free, he'd get his revenge.

 

"Michael!! You fucking slut, you tell me where the damn drugs are!" Risinger continued, "You were the boss's favorite, you made the most fucking money on the streets selling your body, so you have to have those drugs!!"

"I'll fucking kill you Risinger!!! Leave him alone!" Lindsay screamed, as Gavin yelled profanities left and right.

" _Michael_!!" Risinger yelled.

"I don't have them!!" Michael screamed, voice cracking as tears poured down his eyes, "Stop this Risinger!! You're going through a withdrawal, you're not in the right mindset!"

Once again, Risinger punched Michael. The lad spit out some blood, shaking. Ryan could see the fear, he could tell Michael was reliving the past, it's a look he's seen on many before. The lad was losing himself.

 

"Risinger!!" Gavin screeched, and finally, the man whipped around to glare at him.

"I really don't want to hear _anything_ from a pathetic excuse like you," Risinger said, "You couldn't even protect Dan, what makes you think you can protect Michael?"

Gavin flinched, as if Risinger had thrown a punch. But if anything, Gavin probably would appreciate the punch more than his words.

_He knows our weaknesses_ , Ryan thought, _knows what gets us to shut up. Smart._

He was even more determined to rip Risinger's head off his neck.

"God Geoff, you're crew is nothing but fuckups," Risinger continued, looking at the boss, "It's ridiculous! You should be more ruthless, more stern. Like my old bosses!"

"Fuck you," Geoff hissed out, "Rot in hell, you sick bastard."

Risinger laughed, before looking back at Michael.

"So, you going to tell me the truth now?" he asked, "I don't want to hit a former crewmate."

Michael remained quiet, so it was obvious what occurred next. Ryan watched as Risinger beat the lad in a pure fit of fury, ignoring the yells of anger from the others. He watched as Michael took each punch, as if he deserved it.

 

Ryan felt nothing.

When Risinger finally stopped, Michael had blood pouring from both his nose and mouth, looking absolutely out of it. Ryan could hear Gavin's sobs, Lindsay yelling his name, but at the same time, they meshed into incoherent noises.

A small voice ( _familiar warm alive but that isn't it's not true anymore_ ) in the back of his head told him to help Michael. But why? Why should he help anyone? He couldn't even save him.

_... They're your friends too._

Ryan looked over to Ray ( ** _broken broken broken_** ) with Spoole who was continuing to work on. The lad compulsed often, struggling to breathe, and he could see Spoole telling him something, perhaps to relax, to calm down ( _how can anyone be calm he will **die** because of me_ ) so he can work.

_(It's all my fault. All my fault he got hurt. I broke him, I ruined him, I got him in this mess.)_

When he turned back to focus on Risinger and Michael, he was surprised to see the man with the eagle mask now blocking Risinger, no longer holding Michael down.

"Kovic," Risinger hissed out, "Get out of my way, now."

"Or what? Boss, you're taking this _way_ farther than you should be," this Kovic person said, "We can't keep doing this. I won't allow it."

"I expected this from Bruce or James, but never from you," Risinger said, as his hands curled into fists, "What's wrong with this?! If we want to get to the top, we have to--"

" _You_ just want some fucking drugs!! You don't want to aim for the top, not anymore at least!" Kovic yelled, as he took off his mask, revealing his face, "Jon, please. Let's just disband, we'll go back to being freelancers, a freelance group, whatever. Let's just not do this anymore."

 

Jon glared up at Kovic, and Ryan wondered what exactly their relationship was. All of them. What started this? Why did they have to do this ( _why did they hurt him **why why why**_ ), what made them all band together?

"Fuck off Kovic," Risinger finally said, "If you want to quit, fine!! But just know who fucking suffers, who I got under control!!"

Kovic flinched, and at that moment, Ryan was released. He looked back at the man who was once holding him, who took his mask off as well.

"I'm done too," he said, "I didn't sign up to just, fucking, destroy people's lives. This isn't right."

Ryan should move. Ryan should fucking get moving and run, grab Risinger, but his legs wouldn't listen? Why?! He grit his teeth, glaring at the enemy. Why couldn't he move?!

"You too then, James?" Risinger said coldly, glaring at him, "Is this what's going to happen then?! Alright, well, let's just all fucking quit! The LAPD, Matt Hullum, it's not like he knows us right?! We'll be fine!!"

Ryan watched the others release their prisoners, but nobody moved. Perhaps the fear of whatever Risinger would do next made them all wait, see what he would do. Ryan though? He had no idea why he couldn't move.

 

... Wait. Why _was_ he so angry again? His mind was becoming a mess of rage and despair. He couldn't think.

"It's obviously okay to just, you know, forget that we hit the Big Five! That we attacked them!" Risinger continued, and Ryan could see how broken this man himself was, "I fucking, I did everything for you all, but let's just throw that all away!!"

 

... Ryan wanted to kill Risinger. Why? It was for such an important reason too. His head started to hurt. Why can't he remember?!

 

"It's not like we have the Fake AH Crew here!! It's obviously fine to just drop everything, especially after I slit Ray's throat!!"

_That_ made Ryan remember.

He charged, and tackled Risinger to the ground. Everyone yelled something, but he didn't care, all he saw was red. His hands gripped Risinger's neck tightly, and he pressed all his body weight down, watching as the man panicked and squirmed underneath.

"Ryan!! Fucking hell, get off!" Geoff commanded, as he tried to pull him off. Ryan shook him off though, the murderous intent not going away. He needed to do this, needed to fucking end Risinger--!!!

A gunshot echoed in the room. Ryan whipped around to see who fired, who was shot, but froze.

There, sitting up despite Spoole's attempts to push him down, was Ray, aiming the gun at the ceiling. Blood trickled down his mouth, his throat wrapped up with cloth, no longer a pure white. He looked horrible, pale, weak, he was shaking, his breathing wasn't even.

But even so, he smiled at Ryan. Smiled warmly, as if to say, you're okay.

( _ **No, I'm not.**_ )

****

"Ray!!" Ryan cried, releasing Risinger and running over ( _he is okay he lives he smiles **I love him so much no no no**_ ) and laying him down gently, "No, _no_ , you have to rest, you can't, please god don't stress yourself."

Ray grinned, and though he looked pained, he was beautiful. He always has been beautiful, and even now, Ryan couldn't deny how much he loved the lad, how Ray meant the world to him. He didn't want to lose him.

"Risinger, stop!!" he heard someone yell, but before he even had time to turn around, he saw Ray raise his gun and fire.

Ryan turned around to see Risinger on the ground, screaming in pain, clutching his shoulder. Immediately James and Kovic surrounded him, only to pin him down, not trying to help him with his wound.

Ryan turned back to look at Ray, who was still smiling. But it wasn't focused, it was an empty smile, with the shine in Ray's eyes slowly dimming.

Tears finally poured from Ryan's eyes, as he cried his heart out, cried out Ray's name. No, no, god, please don't do this. He felt the lad reach up and run his fingers slowly, weakly really, through his hair, and Ryan cried even harder.

Ray was dying.

There was no telling if he would survive or not.

This smile, this action, it may be the last thing that the two ever shared.

"Damn it!!" Risinger cried out, but Ryan kept his back turned on him, "Why?! Why!! Let me go, he needs to pay, don't make me kill you!"

Nobody said anything to the man's protests. Ryan just stayed beside Ray, letting everything happening around him blur and fade away. All he could do was focus on his lover.

 

"Ray," he whimpered out, "You promised, you swore to me you'd come home. Please, don't leave me, god, I beg you."

Ray continued to run his fingers through Ryan's hair, the small smile on his face never fading even if it was slowly becoming empty. This was Ryan's fault, all of it. He should of never suggested letting Ray go, never should've let Ray out of his sights.

"I'm sorry," Ryan cried out, "I'm so sorry, Ray."

"He'll be okay," Spoole murmured, just loud enough for Ryan to hear, "The wound, it isn't deep, as long as he gets proper treatment, he's gonna... he'll be okay."

It sounded as if he was reassuring himself.

"Ray," Ryan whispered, leaning down to press his forehead on Ray's, "I love you."

The doors to the warehouse were thrown open. Burnie and Matt's men rushed in, there was a lot of yelling, commands thrown here and there.

But Ryan remained by Ray's side.

"I love you," Ryan whispered again, "Forever and always. Please don't leave me. Let me hear your voice again, please."

"Vagabond? Or uh, Mr. Ryan," Spoole murmured, "You need to let go. They need to treat him, please."

Ryan didn't move. He soon felt someone place their hand on his shoulder, and pull him away slowly. He watched as Ray was put on a stretcher, Matt Hullum looking at the lad with pity, and taken away.

"Ryan," Jack began, voice small, weak, "Come on. Get up, please. We gotta go."

Ryan stood up, but he felt strange. He forced himself to walk out of the warehouse, alongside his comrades ( _are they though, do you truly care for them?_ ) who were all tear stained, all contemplating something. But he stopped, and turned to face the warehouse one last time.

Ray.

Ray isn't here anymore. Ray may die because of him. His beloved Ray. Because of him.

He felt lost. He felt empty.

 

... What did Ray's voice sound like again?

* * *

 

"They're transferring Ray to Austin," Geoff said, "Matt said he's too well known here, it's risky to leave him in a hospital. So once Ray gets treatment, he'll be in Kdin's care. Then, it's up to fate if he'll wake up or not. The probability is luckily high though, the wound wasn't deep. He's... it's just something time can only tell."

The others were silent. Nobody could bring themselves to say anything. It had been a long, rough day, for all of them.

"... Where's Ryan?" Jack asked, "He came home with us, right?"

"He holed up in Ray's room," Lindsay murmured, "Hasn't come out since."

"I'll go get him," Michael whispered. It was so low, barely even audible, that Geoff almost missed it.

The lad looked so broken. He was exhausted, having so many horrid memories resurface. Out of everyone here, he suffered the most. He was emotionally drained.

 

Who wouldn't be, to be honest.

 

Jon Risinger was taken into custody, but Matt promised Michael he'd give him proper care and help for the withdrawal. Risinger was, well, he was addicted to a drug that once subdued many people, including Michael, in a former gang that made and supplied the drug. Like he himself said, he found the drug once more, and used it, and lost himself. There was no telling how he'd recover.

The freelancer group (who called themselves Funhaus) said they'd remain in Los Santos, and that they're truly sorry for everything. They said that they originally signed up to work alongside Risinger to become a powerful gang, but they never knew about his former gang life, nor his addiction to the drugs that once ruined many lives.

 

The reason why Risinger ordered the attack Lindsay was to draw Michael out. But that failed when he sent Spoole as the main attacker, for the man was a medic, not a fighter. The one who truly injured Linds was a man named Bruce. After that, Spoole was kept hostage by Jon, forcing the group to follow his command.

Jon then targeted Ray, who has connections to people with drug knowledge. It was considered a lucky bonus when both Michael and Ray were found together, but Risinger was aggressive that night, thus forgot his objective. He attacked Michael, and decided to leave the two, instead of his original plan of getting information out of them.

Then, finally, the plan to just lure the entire gang out was made. Risinger set it up so it looked like he was a hostage, and that whoever saved him would be a scapegoat. Of course, by now, the gang was fed up, and betrayed Risinger.

Funhaus would go into hiding for a bit. They wouldn't do anything, they would just relax for now. But they swore that they meant no harm, and that if ever needed, they will help the Fake AH Crew.

Ryan was the only one who said nothing about their treaty.

Geoff looked out the window. What was he going to do now? He lost his sniper, _his friend_ , and now his gang was falling apart. How could he fix this? _Could_ he fix this?

"How long do you think XRay will be gone?" Gavin asked, wiping his tears despite the fact more poured from his eyes, "Do you think he'll wake up soon?"

"I hope," Jack murmured, "He's our family."

_Family_. That's what made the Fake AH Crew so strong. They were a family.

... One that was falling apart.

Michael ran into the living room, panicking. Geoff whipped around to look at the lad, who's eyes were wide as he held a note, shaking.

"He's gone," the lad whispered, before swallowing and saying much louder, "Ryan's gone."

"What?!" Geoff asked, approaching Michael, "What do you mean he's gone?"

"He, he left a note," Michael said, trying to breathe, "He didn't take any of his things, but the diary he and Ray had is gone, and for some reason Ray's drawer is open? I, I don't know what he took, but he wrote something about Ray's treasure? Geoff, I--"

Geoff just took the note into his hands, as Gavin came over to hug the shaking lad.

__

_I need time. I took my diary and Ray's treasure. I don't want to be found. I don't want you to see me like this. Goodbye._

__

"God damnit!!" Geoff yelled, crumpling the paper in his hands and running his hand through his hair, "Not now, not when things are this fuckin' bad!! Ryan, you fuckin' idiot!!"

He stormed over to Ray's room, and was met by an open window, the breeze sending a chill down his spine. Ryan must of used Ray's spare parachute to get away, but to where?

"... I fuckin' needed you," Geoff sighed out, "I can't lose anymore of you. Not now. We're a family for fucks sake."

The only response he got were the hushed noises of the night.

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

_It's been five months since you've been gone. You've missed a lot. The Fake AH Crew is fine, they're managing, but you already know that. Jeremy and Matt won't shutup about how cool they are. What fucking nerds._

_Ryan is recovering, slowly, but he should be back to that loveable dork you fell for. I will give him back this diary when he's a bit more functional, but for now, you're still gonna get messages from me. It's been, what, a month? You should be fine._

_... When will you wake up?_

_We all miss you. Ryan misses you the most._

 

_Oh, good news by the way._

__

_He finally remembered your name._

__

_Love,_

_Joel Heyman_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promised a diary chapter some time ago. this will be fun. also, here's my explanation as to why Ryan was never the Mad King, why he was only ever Vagabond, it's cause i wanted to save Ryan's descent into the madness for something like, well, this! <3
> 
> anyways!! see you next chapter, filled with diary messages!! <333
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	26. Writing to Sleeping Beauty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a month. im so sorry for the long delay. but here we are, the next chapter of red cap! i hope you all like it!

_Dear Ray,_

_I left the group. I had to leave, I couldn't stay there anymore. Not without you. I panicked, I don't have any of my stuff. All I have is this diary and your hat. I'm sorry._

_Why didn't I realize it sooner? You were the kid I helped all those years ago. I always wondered what had become of you, if you survived off the money I gave you. I always worried about you. Who knew that we would reunite one day? It's ridiculous. But I'm so happy I helped you back then. So happy we met._

_I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be happy. You're gone because of me. I'm so sorry._

__

_Ray, please, wake up. I need you. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't think. My head hurts so much, what do I do?_

_Ray. I'm not sure what to do. Please wake up._

 

_Love, Ryan_

_< 3_

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

_It's been a week. I've been living in an small apartment, using an alias to get by. I still can't get the image of watching your throat get slit out of my head. I'm haunted by it. It's my fault, my fault you suffered._

_~~The nightmares I have, are they really nightmares or am I just reliving a memory? I can't tell, it's both so horrific.~~ _

_Either way, god, Ray, I'm so sorry. Please wake up so I can apologize properly. I want to hear your voice._

_I've been avoiding everything like the plague. My head hurts even more. I can't think, I don't know if what I'm doing is logical. Ray. My mind is so fuzzy. I'm scared._

_I wish I never gave that money to you. Or if I did, I wish I supervised you, made sure you never became Brownman. I wished we met in different circumstances, I wish you were a normal citizen and didn't know I was Vagabond. God it's all my fault._

__

_I miss you._

_Love, Ryan_

_< 3_

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

_I fucked up. I made a huge mistake._

_It's not my fault though. They were talking about you, saying something about Brownman being dead. That's not true, it can't be true. You're not dead. You promised you'd come home._

_I had to kill those liars, I had to. They were spreading rumors about you. You're not dead. We promised we'd come home and..._

 

_Ray, I miss you. Please wake up. Please, god, wake up and forget about everything. It's my fault this happened, my fault you are gone. Don't die, please, I can't lose you. Not when you mean the world to me. I just need you to wake up, I don't care if you hate me. Just forget all the pain and be with everyone. Be awake._

_I need you._

 

_Please Ray wake up._

_Love, Ryan_

_< 3_

* * *

 

_ Dear Ray, _

_It's been a month._

__

_You aren't awake._

_People keep spreading false rumors about you. That you're dead, you were murdered._

__

_I killed those liars for you._

_You're not dead._

 

_I miss you._

__

_Love, Ryan_

_< 3_

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

 

_It's been forever. I'm losing track of time. There's been a lot of people trying to hunt me down. You know what they call me nowadays?_

_**Mad King.** _

_It's silly, huh? If you were here, you'd laugh, probably make some joke. I wish I could hear it. I wish I could hear your voice, remember it_

_I don't know why they want to hunt me down. I'm just ridding the world of liars. You're not dead. You're okay. I believe you're okay._

_You'll wake up, right?_

 

_Love Ryan_

_< 3_

* * *

 

_Ray,_

_People found where I've been hiding. I killed them all, don't worry, I left the place before anyone discovered any bodies. I'm okay. It's pretty normal now, killing people. I just get rid of liars and shitheads who think it's okay to say you're dead._

 

_You're not dead._

_Y **ou're not dead. You're not dead.**_

** **

** _You're not dead._ **

__

_You'll wake up and show those liars that you're alright. People will stop spreading rumors and lies and we'll be happy together. Right?_

 

~~_But do I even deserve you?_ ~~

~~_Do I have the right to be happy with you anymore? You should hate me, resent me for throwing you in danger._ ~~

~~__ ~~

_I'm so selfish._

_Love, Ryan_

* * *

 

_ Ray, _

_I think it's been two months. I can't tell. I haven't used a phone or talked to anyone in a while. But everyone knows me. They know where I am. I think. I don't know. But they do. They somehow all know where I am._

_Oh, I'm not wearing my mask, if you were curious. Everyone just knows me as Mad King. The evil man with face paint who kill liars._

 

_You'd laugh, right?_

__

_I saw the news by the way, it said stuff about the Fake AH Crew. They're recovering and attacking banks again, or something. I don't know. I haven't seen them in a while. I can't speak for them._

_Please wake up and come home. They need you. I need you._

__

_Love Ryan_

* * *

 

_Ray,_

_I've been shot. It's my shoulder. I got attacked from behind in an alleyway. Don't worry, they're dead. I'm okay._

_It reminds me of our first big heist together. You called me Vaga-Idiot. You were so mad at me. I can't help but smile at the memory._

_It feels so distant. Feels like it was such a long time ago._

__

_I miss you._

_Love Ryan_

* * *

 

_ Ray _

_I can't breathe, I need you, I'm so sorry. Why are you gone, why did I let this happen to you? I should've been the one who got hurt, I should've protected you, but you aren't here anymore._

_It's my fault. You don't deserve me. God, Ray, why did this happen? Why did you meet me? You don't deserve me, you didn't deserve to get hurt. It's my fault, I'm so sorry._

 

_I just want you to be okay._

_I want to hear your voice._

_I’m so, so sorry._

__

_Ryan_

* * *

 

_Ray,_

__

_It hurts._

_It hurts so much._

__

_Ray I can’t remember a thing._

_I can’t remember you._

__

_Please wake up._

* * *

 

_Ray_

_I don’t want to forget you._

_But maybe it’s better this way._

__

_You should forget me too._

* * *

 

_ Ray _

__

_I never deserved you._

_You don’t deserve me._

__

_Please forget about me and wake up._

_Please._

* * *

 

_I’m so stupid._

_I almost forgot your name._

* * *

 

_RAY RAY RAY RAY RAY_

_RAY RA **Y**_

 

_**RAY RAY RAY** _

**_RAY RA_ ** **_Y_ **

 

**_RAY RAY RAY_ **

**_RAY RAY_ **

 

**_ RAY RAY RAY _ **

**_RAY RAY R A Y R   A Y_ **

**_R  A_ **

**_Y_ **

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

 

_So. I apologize for writing in this, but I have no choice. Well, I do have a choice, but I decided I should write in here instead of writing letters._

_I read through it as well. Hate me all you want, but it was the only way to figure out how Ryan’s mental state was._

_In case you didn’t notice, it’s not good._

__

_I found him a few days earlier. Talked to him, scolded him, and brought him to my house. He’s resting, recovering maybe? I don’t know, I’m no medic. And I can’t call any medics because I worry it might make his condition worse._

_To be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing. I might be making everything worse, if anything._

_But for now, I have your boyfriend. He’ll be safe here, I’ll watch over him._

__

_Just wake up, for all of us._

__

_Love, Joel Heyman_

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

__

_Your boyfriend doesn’t really like me. Well, he doesn’t like anyone right now. He’s becoming a pain in my ass._

_Anyways, I guess you want some updates. Well, everything is okay. Los Santos is boring as usual, and the people all act as if nothing is wrong. The Mad King (your boyfriend) isn’t attacking anyone anymore so all they really fear are the gangs that lurk around…_

_The Fake AH Crew has been working by the way. They hit a bank or store every once in awhile. I’m planning on visiting them and informing them I have Ryan. Not now, since he’s incredibly unstable._

_I hope you appreciate all the hard work I’m doing for you! It’s not easy. I have a company to run, and the fact I have to babysit your boyfriend is just…_

__

_I’m not complaining. Just small little nitpicks._

_Love, Joel Heyman_

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

__

_He destroyed my TV today._

_I guess he watched the news or something. I don’t know. But when I came home, my TV screen was smashed with what look like my knives, and he was in his room, crying._

_I worry about him. But he’s going to recover. He’s a strong guy._

__

_Please wake up. He needs you more than ever._

_Love, Joel Heyman._

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

_I have letters for you! I visited the Fake AH Crew for you today. Ryan was asleep majority of the day so, y’know, took my chance to tell them he’s safe. Geoff cried._

_I told them I’m writing to you as well. Guess they misunderstood, because the next thing I know, I got envelopes addressed to you in my hands. So, I opened them, and stuffed them in here for you to read one day. Hope you enjoy._

 

_Love, Joel Heyman_

* * *

 

_To Ray,_

_Hey buddy. Joel told me he’s writing to you. I dunno when you’ll be awake but, when you read this, I’m so fucking sorry. We should’ve I should’ve done a better job as the leader. God, I fucking, this is all my fault. I couldn’t save you, couldn’t save Ryan… I’m lucky I got most of the team still together._

_Things haven’t been the same without you. It’s less lively. I feel god awful everytime I see Michael’s face. He hasn’t been okay. Don’t think he’ll be okay for a while either, seeing as how that whole incident fucked him up real bad. I’m disgusted with myself really._

_It’s been four months. I’m praying you’ll wake up soon. You’re like a son to me, and I just wish I could’ve done more for you. I’m so sorry._

__

_Lots and lots of love,_

_Geoff_

* * *

 

_ Dear Ray, _

_I don’t know when you’ll read this, but hopefully soon. Anyways, hi Ray. How have you been? We missed you a lot. Since you’re awake now, I hope you ate a good meal, and are focusing on getting better and coming home to us soon. We all want to see you again._

_Geoff is a mess. He’s trying so hard to keep us in high spirits, to keep us happy, but he’s suffering more than anyone. He’s always done that, take the blame. I’m trying to help as much as I can, but without you or Ryan, it’s hard to get by. We miss you both so much._

_I don’t know what else to write. All I can think about is how much we miss you, how sorry we are… And how I want to see your smile again when I serve you food. Funny, isn’t it?_

_Love you._

_Jack P._

* * *

 

_Ray,_

_Sup nerd!! Since you’re reading this, that means you’re awake right? That’s fucking awesome. When are you coming home? We miss you a whole lot._

_Michael and Gavin are okay. Not good, but they’re okay. I’ve been sticking close to them to make sure they get by though. Gavin is, well, Gavin, trying to overwork himself to not dwell on the issues. He’s not terribly snarky though so, we’re good. Michael… he’s still shaken up. I hope he’ll be okay soon. That whole incident was… it was something. He’ll be okay though, he’s Michael! I know he’ll be okay._

_In all seriousness though, I miss you. It’s not fun without you or Ryan. He and I got along pretty well you know!! I hope the two of you come back soon. I love you both a lot. You’re my family, the only one I got. Please come home soon._

_Love ya!_

_Lindsay_

* * *

 

_To my XRay, because Joel said he was writing to you. So I wanted to write to you too!_

__

_Good morning XRay!_

_Since you’re reading this, you’re awake! Which means you’ll come home soon, right?_

_Things have been lonely without you. It’s not fun being the only superhero in the gang. I need my XRay. I always did, really. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry XRay._

_I bet you have a neat scar on your neck now! Well, it’s not a good thing, but, it’s still there. Shit, I’m making myself sound like a fool. Sorry._

__

_Uh. Anyways._

_Come home soon!! I love you XRay!!!_

__

_Please._

_Love, Vav <3_

* * *

 

_ Ray. _

_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

_That should’ve been me. This was all my fault._

_Please._

__

_Please wake up._

_I love you._

_Michael_

* * *

 

_ Dear Ray, _

_Things got bad. Real bad. Can’t explain, but I fucking… Your boyfriend is ridiculous._

_You owe me big time._

_Joel_

* * *

 

_ Dear Ray, _

_Things have calmed down. He’s going to be okay. Sorry about that._

_Your boyfriend decided to run away. Of course, in doing that, he was chased down by the cops. Luckily, I got him into cover before anyone saw. He’s okay._

__

_I’m not a good babysitter. But I am trying._

 

_Love,_

_Joel Heyman_

* * *

 

_Dear Ray,_

_It's been five months since you've been gone. You've missed a lot. The Fake AH Crew is fine, they're managing, but you already know that. Jeremy and Matt won't shutup about how cool they are. What fucking nerds._

_Ryan is recovering, slowly, but he should be back to that loveable dork you fell for. I will give him back this diary when he's a bit more functional, but for now, you're still gonna get messages from me. It's been, what, a month? You should be fine._

_... When will you wake up?_

_We all miss you. Ryan misses you the most._

_Oh, good news by the way._

**_He finally remembered your name._ **

_Love,_

_Joel Heyman_

* * *

 

 

... The sounds of a machine loudly beeping bothered him. He opened his eyes, slowly, as if he hadn't done so in a long time. 

"Ryan," Ray murmured, the first word after five long months of being asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know when the next chapter will be. but hopefully this calms/makes some of you happy!! thanks for reading.
> 
> (contact me @ oceanicmarina.tumblr.com)


	27. Finding the way Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!! 'tis i, the bad time manager who doesn't update enough because they have no time whatsoever to do anything they want. anyways!! new chapter!! hope you like it!! :B

Ray didn’t know where he was.

 

He looked to the right, only to see monitors and various medical supplies beside him. There were many tubes and cables, which were all connected to him, some inside him. He felt a bit sick at the sight.

He tried to call out to someone, but saying Ryan’s name earlier burned his throat, it pained him to speak. In fact, it hurt to even move. Everything felt foreign to him, and he begun to panic.

Something, no, everything was wrong.

 

“You shouldn’t struggle so much,” a voice said, and soon a young man came into Ray’s line of vision, “Relax. You’re okay.”

“... K… din…?” Ray managed to say, but winced. Speaking felt so odd.

“Don’t push yourself,” Kdin said, smiling softly as he removed some cables off Ray, “It’s been awhile since you’ve done anything. You’re gonna strain yourself if you’re not careful.”

Ray watched him, and was soon assisted in sitting up, letting Kdin do most of the work. The man smiled, before sitting beside him.

 

“I suspect you have questions,” Kdin said, “I’ll tell you everything I know, but promise you won’t flip out or try to move.”

Ray nodded. Kdin sighed.

“Well,” he begun, “It’s been five months since you’ve been brought in.”

Ray’s heart jumped to his throat. Five?

“You were in bad condition. Granted, the wound was shallow, but you lost a lot of blood. You did get some medical care on the scene, but it wasn’t good enough. Plus, add on the trauma, and having to give you illegal medical treatment to make sure you aren’t registered in the government files, well, you get the idea.”

 

Ray couldn't say a thing. All he felt was just pure horror. 

“That’s all I know about you,” Kdin murmured, “Now, the others…”

Ray held his breath.

“Jack contacts me time to time. I haven’t heard from him in a month though, so this is kind of outdated information. But from what I know, The Fake AH Crew is doing good. Everyone is working hard, and he told me to reassure you everything’s okay, if you ever wake up. So, I’m here to tell you, everything’s okay.”

Ray released a breath he didn’t know he was holding, and smiled softly. Good. They’re okay. He can go home soon, and everything will be back to normal.

 

_He could see Ryan again soon._

“Welp! Time for me to go check on my other patients,” Kdin said, standing up, “You’ll start rehab in a week. I want you to be able to function normally in the world before releasing you. And before you ask, knowing you, it’ll take a month before you can walk. Sniping, I don't recommend for another two months. So in total, three months-” he held up three fingers, “-in three months, you’ll be able to snipe up on rooftops again.”

Ray nodded, and Kdin simply grinned. With that, the man walked out of the room, leaving Ray to his thoughts.

 

A month. He’ll see everyone again.

Three months. He’ll be able to help again.

But there was only one though that mattered the most to Ray.

 

He’ll be able to see Ryan again.

 ---- ----- ----

“You’re engaged?!” Ray asked, as he stuffed his face with the food Kdin brought. It’s been two weeks. Ray had been training his voice, as well as walking around, and it’d gone pretty good. Then again, Ray never did like staying still and doing anything. He was determined to get out of here soon.

“Yeup. To the most amazing person in the world,” Kdin murmured, blushing slightly, “They mean everything to me. I’m happy to have them.”

Ray smiled, happy for his friend. “Congratulations,” he said, shoving a piece of bread in his mouth, “We’re invited to the wedding right? You know Geoff will want to be there.”

“Shut up. I know. Of course you’re all invited, otherwise I’d never hear the end of it.”

 

Ray laughed, and continued to converse with Kdin. He never really knew got to know the man well. Now, being stuck here, he would strike up a conversation whenever he could, learn more about him.

Kdin was a jack of all trades. He did whatever was needed, whatever people needed him to do really. He originally was just a simple medic, but after joining the gang life, he honed each skill he could.

It was nice to learn about someone new. It was fun to talk to Kdin. It helped keep Ray’s mind occupied.

 

It was later that night that Ray wondered if Ryan would ever consider marriage. Would they ever get married? Could they? They were illegal convicts after all.

The thought was nice. But that’s all it really was. A nice thought.

\---- ----- ----

Three weeks had passed.

 

“Ray, for fucks sake, please do not try to lift the heavier weights. You don’t even lift!!” Kdin exclaimed, scowling at Ray as he tried to pick a 50lb weight up.

“I can do it!! It’s not heavy!” Ray said, as he held the weight triumphantly. But Kdin’s scowl got worse, and Ray reluctantly put the weight down.

“I know you can do it, but your body may not be able to handle it,” Kdin said, as he placed a hand on Ray’s shoulder, “Don’t push yourself. You’ll be home soon.”

Ray sighed. ‘Soon’ felt so far away. He wanted to go home, to start sniping, to be with the others…

But most importantly, he wanted to be with Ryan.

 

“I got it already,” Ray grumbled, “Jeez, lay off would ya? You’re like my mom.”

“When you stop acting like you can do everything at once, then I’ll stop,” Kdin stated, before letting Ray go and starting to head out of the room.

“Bye mom!” Ray called, grinning when Kdin turned around, annoyed, but smiling anyways.

 

With Kdin gone, Ray realized how empty the place was.

 

No, that wasn’t it.

 

It was empty because the person who acted most motherly wasn’t here.

 

He missed Jack.

He missed Geoff.

He missed Lindsay.

He missed Gavin…

 

He really missed Michael…

 

But he really, really missed Ryan.

\---- ----- ----

“So you’re finally leaving?”

“Yeah. Thanks for everything.”

“Good riddance.”

 

Ray laughed, and quickly dodged out of the way as Kdin tried to punch him. He didn’t care that they were in the airport, or that people stared as Kdin tried to attack Ray. This was normal in their lives. 

Plus, even though Kdin would never admit it, Ray knew he was attacking him to make sure he was truly fit to leave. That Ray could survive in Los Santos once again.

 

“You stay safe, don’t ever come back again,” Kdin said, “A month and half felt like ten years. You owe me big time.”

“I know, I’ll pay you back somehow-”

“Pay me back by not getting yourself killed, that’s all I really ask for,” Kdin said quickly, smiling softly, “Your neck…”

Ray smiled as well, and reached up to feel the large, ugly scar on his neck, forever reminding him and everyone of what happened. But it also proved he was a fighter, that he would stick around no matter what.

“Yeah. I know,” Ray murmured, “At least I look fucking tough as balls.”

“Sure you do. Well, better get going. Your flight’s gonna leave.”

 

Ray nodded, and hugged Kdin tightly. When he released Kdin, the man smiled, and headed on his way. As did Ray.

He was going home.

 ---- ----- ----

“I hate Los Santos. It’s cold but it never fucking snows. You agree with me, right?! We deserve some snow!”

His driver said nothing. Ray sighed, and leaned back in his seat. To think he’d be in a taxi, driving to the apartment, instead of one of Michael’s fancy ass cars…

But he wanted to surprise the group. He wanted to walk in and act like nothing was wrong, only to get pelted in hugs and kisses from everyone. He wanted to make their day by appearing in their home, smiling.

 

“Oh, hey, this’s my stop,” Ray said, as he paid the driver using the money Kdin gave him, “Thanks dude.”

The driver remained silent. Ray sighed, before getting out.

“Hey, keep the change,” Ray proceeded to say, “Have a nice day.”

The driver nodded, and sped off. Ray watched him go, before turning to look up the tall building he and the other called home.

 

Home.

 

He was home.

 

He threw his hoodie up, and walked in. Everything was the same, nothing different. He headed into the elevator, and clicked on the button to head up, and watched the doors shut in front of him.

His heart was racing. He felt like he was going to puke. He couldn’t help but pace around, and he began to talk to himself.

“It’s gonna be fine,” he said, “I’m sure it’s gonna be okay! I mean, what’s the worse that can happen?! I’m totally chill, I’m fine. Jesus Christ what if I puke. That’s fucking gross. Shit, holy fuck, _okay_ , I’m gonna just, shit, uh…”

 

The elevator stopped, and he marched out, looking at the ground. Well, he was marching out, until he slammed into someone.

“Holy shit!” Ray cried, “Sorry dude, uh, fuck, are you--”

 

“Ray?”

Ray looked up to see the man he walked into, recognizing the voice. Before him stood Joel Heyman, who looked, well, the fucking same as ever. The man looked down at Ray, bewildered, as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing.

 

“Joel!” Ray exclaimed, “Joel!! Dude, it’s so good to see you!!”

Joel said nothing, continuing to stare at Ray.

“H-hey, say something man,” Ray murmured, “You look like you’ve seen a gh--”

Ray was engulfed into a tight hug, Joel’s scent filling him. He felt the man tremble as he held Ray, and he swears he heard Joel mumble something, but he ignored it as he hugged him back, smiling.

“I’m home,” Ray said, and Joel released him, teary eyed. Ray couldn’t help but worry, he’d never see the man cry after all. But Joel smiled and cupped Ray’s face, placing a chaste kiss on his forehead.

 

“Welcome home,” Joel murmured, as he examined Ray, “You look good! Bit handsomer maybe. But hey, you’re back!”

“I’m always handsome,” Ray said, as he placed his hands on Joel’s, “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Oh, you know, checking on this dysfunctional family of yours, trying to talk to them,” Joel said, “But they’re out now. I came for nothing! It’s incredibly frustrating. I’m extremely busy you know.”

Ray couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, I remember,” he said, “So they’re out now? Good. I wanted to surprise them anyways.”

Joel smiled, and released Ray, though it felt slightly hesitant. Ray looked into the others eyes, and for an instant it looked as if Joel really would cry. But the man was quick to cover up his feelings, and he grinned, shoving his hands in his coat pockets.

 

“Well, I gotta go,” Joel said, “Come visit me, please. We have a lot to catch up on.”

Ray nodded, and Joel pushed the button behind him to call the elevator.

“I’m sure the others will be excited to see you,” Joel continued, “It’d ease a lot of them as well. You’re important to them, to all of us. To me.”

“I’m important to you?” Ray asked, smirking a bit, “I’m flattered! I feel so loved, thank you Joel.”

“You are loved,” Joel said seriously, which surprised Ray. He thought the man would go along with the joke. “You are loved by everyone. The Fake AH Crew loves you. The Cockbites love you. The police, well, Matt’s fraction, they love you.”

 

Ray was at a loss for words.

 

The elevator doors opened, and Joel walked in, before turning to face Ray. He smiled softly.

“I love you, Ray. Come by soon, okay? See you later.”

 

And with that, the doors closed.

Ray stood there, processing what just happened. And he wanted to cry, honestly.

 

He missed everyone so, so much.

\---- ----- ----

Entering his home was harder than he thought. Unlocking the door, going in, he felt like he was going to puke. The place was ridiculously clean, and it looked like a display home more than a home belonging to a bunch of gang members. Ray walked around, examining everything. It was all the same. Nothing new.

 

So he went to his room.

 

Inside, it was the same. Nothing different. Ray sighed, before heading to his desk.

_The diary was gone._

Did Ryan take it? Probably. Most likely. When he got back with the others, Ray would ask him where it is. He hoped Ryan wrote it in.

He then headed to his nightstand, and opened his drawer.

_His **hat** was gone. _

Now that freaked Ray out. His beloved hat, the one thing that started this, gone? Why? Did someone take it? He knows he didn’t misplace it. Maybe Ryan has it? He prayed that was the case. He really, really cherished that hat.

 

And then, he heard the main door open.

Someone was home.

 

Ray’s heart raced in his chest, and he quickly peeked out to see who it was. He didn’t see anyone. Confused, he came out of his room slowly. Did he imagine the sound? 

He quietly, but swiftly, made his way to the end of the hall. There, standing in front of the main door, was a man with a beanie pulled over his head, glasses on, looking like absolute shit. He was on his phone, doing god knows what.

“Michael?” Ray quietly asked, but the man made no response. So Ray tried again, louder. “‘Michael.”

Michael didn’t move. He did stop touching his phone though, which means he heard Ray.

“Mich--”

The lad covered his ears, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth. Ray soon realized what was happening, why Michael reacted in that way.

 

He didn’t believe Ray was there.

 

“Michael!” Ray said, stepping out the corridor, and the lad looked up, eyes wide, childlike. Ray hesitated on what he would say.

“I…” he began, and Michael’s eyes widened even more, and he dropped his hands from his ear, staring at Ray, “I’m here. I’m home.”

“R… Ray?” Michael asked, and Ray nodded. The lad stared at Ray, in pure disbelief. Ray looked away. He didn’t want Michael to see him cry.

“I, I wanted to surprise you,” Ray began, “Just pop up y’know. Make everyone’s day. I didn’t realize how bad it would be--”

 

He was cut off by Michael flinging himself at Ray, both falling to the ground. The back of Ray’s head hit the floor with a loud thud, and it hurt like a bitch, but that pain was quickly replaced by the realization Michael was sobbing. Not crying, no, he was full on sobbing. He held onto Ray tightly, shaking, his sobs so loud Ray swore the windows shook a bit.

Ray hugged Michael just as tightly as Michael held onto him. He lay there, allowing Michael to sob and sob, to cry out the pain he had been holding in. Knowing Michael, he would’ve been strong for everyone. He would’ve held it in.

 

Now, Michael didn’t have to act strong. He could be whatever he wanted. 

So Ray let him cry.

 

And, eventually, Ray began to cry too. 

“I’m here,” he murmured through the tears, “I’m here.”

He was home.

This was real.

Things would be back to normal soon.

He was so happy.

\---- ----- ----

Michael stopped crying. But the two remained laying on the ground, holding each other, refusing to let go. Ray stared up at the ceiling, before turning his head slightly to look at Michael.

The lad looked exhausted. His eyes were red from crying so much, and he clung onto Ray tightly, like a child. But he looked relieved, a burden was lifted. 

Ray smiled.

 

“Are we gonna lay here all day?” he asked.

Michael nodded.

“But it’s uncomfortable.”

Michael smiled.

“My back is going to get messed up.” 

He chuckled. It sounded dry, as if he hadn’t done so in a long time.

“Plus you’re crushing my ribs. Michael please.”

And Michael sat up, smiling as he lifted Ray up as well. The two sat there, Michael watching Ray, Ray staring at Michael.

 

“Hi Michael,” Ray said. 

“Hi Ray,” Michael murmured.

“I missed you."

“I missed you too.”

“I’m home now.”

“Don’t ever leave me again.”

“Never."

 

Michael smiled, stood up. Ray got up as well, and the two made their way to the couch. They both sat down, and Michael cuddled up to Ray.

“We’re really gay right now,” Ray murmured, as he wrapped his arms around Michael, “I hope you know how gay this is.”

“Shutup,” Michael said, smiling, “I haven’t had you by my side for half a year. There was no Ray with me for six months. I deserve this.”

“Was I really gone for half a year?”

“Yeah. But it fucking felt like six years. Shit sucks without you.”

“Please, I already know this.”

“Of course you fucking do.”

 

“Where are the others?” Ray asked, looking at the main door, “Why are you alone?" 

“They’re out negotiating with some gang,” Michael murmured, “I came home early. They should arrive soon.”

“Can I surprise them?”

“Absolutely.”

 

So with that, Ray and Michael got off the couch, and hid in the kitchen, waiting for the others to get home. Michael held onto Ray’s hand the entire time, as they whispered, planned, and giggled, anticipating the other’s return.

It took a while, but eventually they heard the main door open. Michael stood up, as they planned, and headed out to greet the others.

 

“Geoff,” Michael said, “How was it?”

“Eugh,” Geoff groaned, “I hate talking to shitty people. Fuck them.”

 

Ray smiled. This was really real.

 

“It’s because you’re half assing everything, that’s why they got pissed off,” Jack said, “Of course they’re gonna get hostile with you!”

He heard Gavin laugh, and Lindsay sigh. He heard them all chatter, bicker, and Ray smiled even more. He missed this so much.

 

But… it was missing something. What was it missing?

 

“Hey, do you want anything to drink?” Michael asked, “There’s some shit by the fridge." 

“There’s drinks in the fridge,” Geoff said, and Ray heard footsteps heading towards the kitchen, “Not shit. I can’t believe-”

Ray stood up, and looked at Geoff, who walked in only to pause and stare at Ray. His face got pale, and he trembled, eyes watering up quickly.

“Geoff?” Jack asked, and Ray heard him walking up to the other, “What’s wrong?”

“Hey,” Ray said softly, and Jack’s eyes widened as he looked up at Ray, shocked. Who wouldn’t be though?

“R-Ray?” Geoff asked, and immediately Ray heard Gavin and Lindsay run over, shoving the two gents aside. They stared at Ray, bewildered, and Ray looked to the side, smiling.

“Uh, hi. I’m home,” he murmured.

 

Gavin ran up to him, cupping his face and examining him. The lad soon teared up, and pulled Ray in for a hug.

“XRay,” he said, “ _Xray_. You’re real. You’re _not_ a dream. This _isn’t_ a dream, right?!”

Ray hugged Gavin back, smiling.

“No. I’m real,” he said, and Ray was soon tackled by the others, engulfed in a huge hug.

 

There was so much said, everyone was crying, it was a huge mess. But Ray smiled and held them all, reassuring them that yes, he’s home. Yes, he’s okay. No, he will never leave them again.

 

_But something was missing._

 

“Y-you fucktwat!!” Geoff cried, wiping his eyes, “Fuckin’ call me or something, fuckin’, I hate you so fuckin’ much.”

“Are you hungry?” Jack asked, as he examined Ray from head to toe, “I can make something. Oh, Ray, you look so different.”

“That’s a fucking wicked scar though,” Lindsay exclaimed, but frowned when she examined it closer, “I mean, it looks cool. But I hate it. You shouldn’t have it.”

Gavin said nothing. All he did was hug Ray tightly, smiling into Ray’s shoulder. All Ray could do was hold him, smile. Michael came into the kitchen now, and grinned, patting Gavin’s back before moving to the side.

 

_Something was missing._

That thought didn’t leave Ray’s mind when Gavin let go. When Jack made him food. It didn’t leave when Michael pulled him to the couch, sat him down in the middle, and cuddled up to him. Gavin sat on the other side of Ray, and just leaned on the lad. Lindsay took a place by Ray’s feet, playing on her cellphone, some sort of cat game that she’d try to get him to play no doubt.

Ray looked to the main door.

 

_What was missing?_

 

He then turned to look at Jack and Geoff, who were discussing something. And then Ray realized what was wrong.

There were three gents in their gang.

 

He only saw _two_.

 

“Where’s Ryan?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where is ryan indeed... find out in the next chapter! <3
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	28. I'm Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello friends!! so in case you noticed, there are 30 chapters now!! which means i may of worked very hard to write three chapters and surprise you all with them!! i hope you like them, im a bit proud of them, especially this one. it's fluffy. kinda? idk. but enjoy!!

“Where’s Ryan?”

 

Those words shattered the quiet, content atmosphere. Everyone tensed up, nobody dared to move. And Ray couldn’t help but tense up too.

“Where is Ryan?” he repeated much more sternly, looking at his boss, “He _should_ be here. Is he late or something?”

Geoff looked to Jack, who cast his eyes to the ground. Ray then turned his eyes to Gavin, who looked guilty, ashamed even. Lindsay’s face was turned away from Ray, but he could tell a dark expression had settled on her face. Her shoulders were shaking a bit. That was never good.

“Come on,” Ray continued, “Tell me, where is he? Late? Don’t leave me hanging guys.”

 

The tense air made Ray want to puke.

 

“He’s gone,” Michael finally murmured, and Ray turned to look at him, “He left.”

Ray’s heart stopped.

_Of course nothing was ever this simple._

 

“He _left_?” he asked, trying not to choke on his words, “When? Did he quit the crew?”

“He didn’t quit,” Geoff said, his voice low, apologetic, “Not exactly. He just got up and left. No letter of resignation, no words, he just ran.”

“What, when?! Geoff, you have to help me, I don’t understand.”

“He left the day your throat was… well, when you went to Austin I guess. He took your diary and, from what he wrote down, some treasure or somethin’ of yours. I dunno. But he’s gone, Ray. He's not with us.”

 

Ray pulled himself away from Michael and Gavin, standing up. He stared at Geoff, and he saw the shame, the guilt the man felt. It pissed Ray off so fucking much.

“Do…” Ray swallowed, “Do we have any idea where he is?”

“He’s with Joel.”

 

Ray felt something snap in him.

“ _Joel_?!”

“He found Ryan on the streets, took him in.”

“Why is it Joel of all people?!!”

“I don't know! Look, Ryan refused to stay in contact with us, he made sure we couldn’t find him!! We searched for him Ray, I swear to you, we looked every fuckin’ where for the guy!! But we couldn’t find him, and he… he…”

Geoff wouldn’t look Ray in the eye. He’d feel bad if he wasn’t so pissed.

“He’s become, to put it simply, mentally unstable,” Jack finished for Geoff, eerily calm about this, “He’s shut down. Forced himself to forget about everything, forced himself to focus on survival, and in order to do that, killed everything in his path.”

“That’s a lie,” Ray hissed.

Sadly, he knew Jack would never lie to him about this.

“I wish it was,” Jack said.

 

Ray could’ve sworn he heard something break within him. This was unfair, cruel. Fuck this world. Fuck everything. Fuck fuck fuck!!

“Why didn’t Joel tell me?!”

“You met with him?” Geoff asked, more composed than earlier, sounding surprised more than anything though, “When?”

“Earlier, before I saw Michael!” Ray exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air, “He talked to me, acted like nothing was wrong!”

“He probably didn’t want to worry you,” Jack said, “You just got home--”

“And what, did he expect me not to care that he kept such a big fucking thing from me?”

Ray scratched his head in frustration,

“I, fuck, I need to go see Ryan. Now.”

“Ray, wait, please-”

“How can I fucking wait?! He’s been all alone for six fucking months, all because of me! I have to go see him, he’s done enough waiting.”

 

And with that, before anyone could stop him, Ray stormed out of the room. He didn’t take the elevator, no, that would take too much time. Instead he took the fire escape, running down the stairs and ignoring how exhausted, how out of breath he was when he reached the bottom. Running out of the building, he looked down the street, praying a cab would drive by.

“Ray!” Michael called, and Ray whipped around to glare at his friend, unsure how or what to feel.

“What?! I’m fucking busy!”

“Right, because obviously charging into Joel’s office and demanding to see Ryan is smart. Look, calm the fuck down, call Joel, and let’s go visit him.”

“What do you mean, let’s go visit him?! I’m going alone!”

“Sure, well, your nose is bleeding.”

“What?”

 

Ray wiped his face with his sleeve. When he saw the blood stain that coated his jacket, he looked up at Michael. The lad ignored him, and took his phone out, beginning to dial a number in.

“You’re obviously not stable enough to go alone, so I’ll go with you,” he said, and raised the phone to his ear. Ray looked away, continuing to wipe his nose. At the very least it was Michael, and not Geoff or Jack, who Ray was (admittedly unfairly) furious with.

“Adam?” Michael asked, before continuing, “Yeah, it’s me, Mogar. Where’s your..."

A pause. Michael’s expression changed.

“What do you mean you don’t know? You always know where he is!”

Ray watched as Michael’s face darkened.

“Yeah, sure, fine, text me his number. I dunno why you think he’ll pick up for me when he won’t even pick up for you but, whatever. At least it’s worth a shot.”

And with that, he hung up, muttering curses under his breath.

 

“What’s up?” Ray asked, and Michael handed Ray his phone.

“Joel isn’t picking up his phone,” the lad explained, “Adam gave me his number, said we should try, but I don’t know. It’s either this or we wait at his office for him to get back, and to be fucking honest, I don’t think you want to do that.”

 Ray stared at Michael’s phone, and examined the number. It’s different than the one Ray had in his phone.

It was then that Ray realized his phone was missing, and that he had no way of contacting anyone if something were to happen. Plus, it had been six months. Everyone’s number may as well have changed.

Basically, this just helped solidify his need for Michael’s assistance. There goes his plan of ditching the lad.

He groaned, and called Joel.

 

There were a series of rings. After the fourth one, Ray was sure the man wouldn’t pick up. But, when he heard the click, his heart skipped a beat. There was a small glimmer of hope.

 

“Joel?!” Ray asked, and the man hummed in reply, “Joel!! Why the fuck haven’t you picked up your phone?”

 “... Excuse me?” Joel said, “This is the first time you’ve called me.”

“No, I mean, picked up for Adam, fuck.”

 “Oh. I just didn’t want to pick up. It’s annoying having him check up on me every hour. I only picked this number up because it was a fifty-fifty chance of it being someone I know or Adam. I’m glad it’s you at least.”

Ray sighed, and shook his head.

 

“Whatever, is… is Ryan really with you?”

“Oh.”

Joel went silent. After a minute, Ray checked the phone, to see if the man hung up. He hadn’t.

Placing the phone by his ear once more, he cleared his throat. “Joel?”

 “Yeah, no, I’m here,” Joel said, “Sorry. Didn’t think you’d find out so soon.”

 “Find out so soon- Joel! You were trying to hide this from me?!”

 “Yup.”

“Why?!”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry.”

“I would’ve found out sooner or later!! Why didn’t you tell me when I ran into you?!”

 “Because I didn’t want to tell you.”

 

Ray was getting extremely frustrated. His grip on the phone tightened, and he sighed.

 “And why the fuck is that.”

 “Well, do you want the truth or the bullshit reason.”

“Fucking, entertain me, I don’t give any flying fucks anymore.”

 “Because I finally got to see you again, and I didn’t want to talk about you boyfriend, not when you were right in front of me, beautiful as always.”

“Okay, now give me the truth.”

 Joel laughed. Normally, Ray would’ve smiled. He couldn’t.

 

“The truth huh? Well, if that’s what you want. The truth is, I didn’t know how to tell you. Ryan… he’s not the same Ray”

 _Because of me_ , Ray couldn’t help but think.

“When I found him, god, he had killed so many by then. He didn’t even recognize me, recognize anything for that matter. All he could do was protect himself, hold onto that diary of yours… It wasn’t a pretty sight.”

Ray remained silent. Joel continued, his voice low.

“If you want to see him, I won’t stop you. I’ll text you my location. But, Ray, this isn’t Ryan Haywood or even Vagabond anymore. He’s… he’s a broken man. I don’t know what else to say.” 

“I want to see him,” Ray managed out, “Now.”

“Alright,” Joel murmured, “We’ll be waiting.”

And with that, Ray hung up.

 

“What’d he say?” Michael asked. 

“He’s going to give us directions to his location,” Ray replied, sighing, “I’m going to see Ryan.”

 

* * *

 

When they arrived, Michael knocked on the door. It was a nice, simple house, far away from the city. It looked like it belonged to some simple family, who knew nothing of gangs or criminal activity.

Instead, it belonged to a former notorious criminal who now ran multiple banks. One who had Ray’s lover with him.

The door opened, and a disheveled Joel came out, rubbing his temples.

“Hello boys,” Joel muttered, “I’m exhausted so let’s make this quick.”

 

He let them inside. Ray couldn’t help but remember his time in Ryan’s home, after their personal heist. His heart swelled at the thought. 

“Ryan’s in the back,” Joel said, mainly to Ray, “Do you want to read your diary first?”

“My diary?” Ray asked.

“It’s on the table. Hey, Michael, come help me with something in the kitchen. Let’s leave them alone.”

Michael reluctantly followed Joel, and both men disappeared into the kitchen. Ray walked over to the table, to see a notebook on it, worn and looking as if the slightest touch would make it fall apart. He picked it up, and opened it to the first page.

 

**Hope there are enough kittens on it. Didn’t know how many you wanted.**

 

Ray covered his mouth, and wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.

How long had it been since he read those words?

The lad carried the book, and read through it from the beginning, as he made his way to the back of the house, to where Ryan awaited him.

He smiled at some passages. Chuckled here and there. But as he continued to read, he couldn’t stop the tears that swelled in his eyes. He didn’t stop them from falling, nor did he hold back his sobs as he got further and further into the diary.

He stopped in his tracks when he turned the page, only to find envelopes filled with letters spill from the pages. Ray bent down to pick them up, and opened the first one on the pile.

He read each letter, and smiled through the tears. Geoff, Jack, Lindsay, Gavin…

Michael’s letter made him turn around to look at the kitchen, and thought he couldn’t see the lad, he knew the lad somehow saw him and looked back. He wanted to run back and hug him, to tell him it wasn’t his fault. It shouldn’t be him. It shouldn’t have been anyone.

But he had someone more important to talk to.

 

He got to the latest page.

_Ryan had finally remembered his name._

That was good, right? 

He looked up at the door before him, and slowly opened the door.

 

“... Ryan?” he asked, peeking in.

The room was almost bare. It looked as if Joel had taken almost every item out, leaving a bed only within.

And on that bed, his back turned to Ray, was Ryan.

He slowly made his way over. It was only until he got closer that he realized the gent was fast asleep. He walked to the other side of the bed, to see Ryan’s face.

 

He couldn’t help but smile softly.

 

Ryan probably hadn’t shaved in awhile. He had some beard thing going on, that was the only thing Ray could call it really. His hair was longer, disheveled, in knots here and there. Ray couldn’t help but realize that he had a new, large scar that started on his cheek and ended near his left ear. 

Ray sat on the bed, careful not to disturb the man. He reached out hesitantly to brush some of the hair from Ryan’s face, and when he did, silent tears fell. He didn’t stop them, he wasn’t going to act tough now. Why should he?

It was obvious Ryan would never be the same.

_All because of Ray._

He then reached out to hold Ryan’s hand, which had small cuts and bruises here and there. His nails were chipped, in fact he was missing his pinky nail… But Ray loved these hands all the same.

“Oh Rye,” Ray whispered, “I’m so sorry.” 

* * *

 

“Should I go check on him?” Michael asked, as he mixed the pot of soup. The man shook his head, cutting up the meat in tiny pieces.

“Let them be,” Joel murmured, “It’s been six months. Who knows? Maybe if Ryan sees Ray, he’ll get a bit better.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then I don’t know.”

 

Michael sighed, and looked down the hallway.

“That worried?” Joel asked, chuckling.

“Why shouldn’t I be? We all saw the news. Saw what Ryan did. What if he hurts Ray?”

"Then I kill him.”

Michael glared up at Joel, who smirked.

“I’m joking, calm down,” he said, “I won’t do that. Ray would hate me.”

 

Michael wasn’t convinced.

 

“Let’s just leave them for now. If we hear something that sounds bad, we’ll go in. Other than that, well, Ray will come out on his own time,” Joel sighed, “Hand me the salt please.”

* * *

 Ryan moved a little.

Ray pulled his hand away, unsure how or what he should do. He watched as the man stirred, and got up, standing beside the bed, to give him space. Ryan rubbed his eyes, and propped himself up with his elbows, looking very out of it.

And then, he looked to Ray.

 

“... Really?” he asked angrily, and Ray tilted his head, confused. The man grunted, and laid back down, shutting his eyes.

 “Ryan-”

"Don’t. If I talk to you, I won’t wake up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Stop talking. Let me wake up.”

“This isn’t a dream though.”

“That’s what you always say.”

 

Ray placed his hand on Ryan’s cheek. The man opened his eyes once more, and looked up at Ray. His eyes were so blue, so beautiful. Ray bit the inside of his cheek.

 

“This isn’t a dream,” Ray repeated.

“It has to be.”

“Why?”

“Because you aren’t suppose to be here. With me.”

“Where should I be then?”

“Far away from me.”

 

Ray kneeled down, resting his arms on the bed, keeping his hand on Ryan. The man just continued to watch him.

“I read our diary, Ray murmured, “Every entry. I started from the beginning, and read all the way to the end.”

“Did I write in it?” Ryan asked, and Ray smiled.

“You wrote a lot,” he replied, “You told me everything that happened to you. Including that new name. Mad King. You were right, by the way. I laughed.”

“I knew you would.”

 

Ray chuckled, and rubbed Ryan’s cheek with his thumb. The man leaned into the touch.

“I don’t want to wake up for once,” he whispered.

“But you’re already awake.”

“This feels to good to be real.”

“God, Ryan, I’m so sorry.”

“Please don’t cry.”

“I can’t help it.”

“You’re so beautiful.”

 

Ray let a small sob escape from his lips. Ryan reached out now, and wiped the tears that slipped out of Ray’s eyes. He kept his hand on Ray’s cheek though, and Ray smiled.

“You can’t ruin this relationship we created,” Ray whispered, “I said that before, didn’t I?”

“You did.”

“I still mean it.”

“But I did so many wrong things. I couldn’t protect you, I sent you into danger and couldn’t pull you out, I almost lost you.”

“But I’m here, I’m still here Rye.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Rye-”  
  
“I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.”

 

Ryan pulled his hand away, but Ray quickly grabbed it, holding it tightly.

“No,” Ray said, “Rye, please, don’t do this.”

“You can’t be with me.”

“I want to be with you.”

“I’ll hurt you. I know I will. I’ll mess up and you’ll get hurt.”

“But that’s how relationships are. People make mistakes. People get hurt. And then you forgive, and move on.”

“But how can I forgive myself?”

 

Ray didn’t know what to say. But, he had to say something.

“I really don’t know Rye. But you have to know that you can’t always protect me. That stuff like this will happen no matter what.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt. Not because of me, not because I can’t protect you.”

“You can’t always protect me.”

“But--” 

 

Ray leaned in to press his forehead against Ryan’s. The man stared the lad, shocked and possibly in denial, but neither moved away.

“Rye,” Ray whispered, “I love you." 

The man remained silent.

“I love you so, so much. That feeling never will change.”

 

Ray closed his eyes.

“I love you Ryan. Please tell me you feel the same.”

 

The silence suffocated Ray. He held his breath, feeling like the world was waiting alongside him for the answer.

 

“... I’ll always love you, Ray.”

 

Ray smiled, and opened his eyes. Ryan was still watching him, still staring. So Ray leaned into to place a soft, small kiss on his lips, and god, he missed this feeling. Ryan’s lips were chapped, and tasted a bit of iron, but it was the lips he loved all the same.

When he pulled away, there was a slight hesitation before Ryan cupped Ray’s cheeks, and examined him.

“Are you real?”

“I am.”

“You’re so beautiful.”

"You already said that.”

 

Ryan pulled away so he could sit up. Ray waited for him to settle before sitting on his bed, and taking Ryan’s hand in his own. 

“I love you, Ray,” Ryan murmured, staring down at their hands entwined, “I love you so much. I just don’t know if I deserve you.”

“You do,” Ray said, “I don’t resent you or even hate you for what happened. None of us could’ve seen it coming. It’s not your fault.”

“You say that, but I could’ve done more.”

“You did enough. We stopped Risinger together, remember? We did enough.”

“How did I get someone as amazing as you?”

Ray chuckled.

 

“I could ask the same thing.”

* * *

 

When Joel came back to the couch, Michael eyed him curiously.

“I thought you said we’d leave them alone?” he asked, and Joel smirked.

“I just peeked in, made sure they’re playing nice.”

“And?”

“He’s in much better condition than I’ve ever seen. Good for him.”

“And you?”

 

Joel looked at him quizzically, keeping this odd facade Michael hated up.

“What about me?”

“How do you feel about this?”

“Uh, happy? Good for them? I’m sorry, are we on the same page?” 

“Nothing, just,” Michael looked down the hallway once more, “Just thought you wanted to keep Ryan for yourself.”

 

“ _What?!_ ”  
  
“What?”   


There was an unsettling silence before Joel bursted out laughing, clutching his stomach. Michael now stared at him, extremely confused.

“Why the fuck do I want Ryan for myself?!” Joel asked, “Gross, no, _ew_! Michael, please, these jokes aren’t funny.”

“But you--”

“Did what was right? And kept him in solitude because it was good for him? Not because I wanted to-” he snorted, “-keep him for myself. That’s insane!”

“But you--”

“Michael, really, it’s backwards, you’ve got it wrong.”

“I--”

 

“I just wanted to keep Ryan from _him_.”

 

“Excuse me?”

Joel chuckled, and looked away.

“I’m a selfish man Michael,” he said, “I like to protect those I love. But in the end, if he wants to be with Ryan, so be it.”

Michael was beyond confused, but said nothing more.

 

* * *

 

“Now what do we do?” 

Ray looked out Ryan’s window.

“I dunno,” he murmured, “But for now, I’ll visit you everyday. In fact, I’ll stay over tonight. I’ll be here everyday. Stay some nights. Help you. And even after that, I’ll keep helping you until you’re back to Ryan Haywood.”

“I guess that’s better than nothing.”

 

Silence. The two didn’t say a word.

Then again, Ray never liked being quiet.

 

“Hey, Ryan?” 

The man hummed in response.

“You know I love you, right?”

“... I do.”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I do. Why are you asking?”

“To make sure.”

“Why?”

“Just because.”

 

Ryan chuckled, and cupped Ray’s cheek with his hand.

“I love you Ray.”

He leaned in and kissed the lad. Ray kissed him back, wrapping his arms around the man’s neck. When they pulled away, Ray smiled.

 

“Again.”

“Again?”

“Tell me you love me.”

“This is very uncharacteristic of you.”  
  
“Shut up.”

 

Ryan chuckled, and god, did Ray love the sound.

 

“I love you Ray.”

“Again.”

“I love you so much Ray.”

“Again.”

 

Ryan kissed Ray again. Ray kissed back.

 

“I love you too much,” Ryan whispered after pulling away, “that losing you is so terrifying, Ray.”

“Ryan?”

“Yeah?” 

“You’re a fucking nerd.”

“I love you too, Ray.”

 

* * *

 

“So? How’d it go?” Joel asked Ray, who had exited the room and plopped down on the couch next to Michael. 

“I’m staying over tonight, to sleep with him,” Ray said, and Joel raised an eyebrow, “Oh my fucking god, _no_ , you’re disgusting. I mean I’m staying over to make sure he doesn’t wake up thinking he dreamt up that whole thing.”

 “That’s probably for the best,” Joel sighed out, “He’s had many days where he’d wake up and ask where you are. When I told him you’re still in Austin, he’d shut down, probably hating the fact he believed a dream. Plus, there’s nightmares, maybe it’d be better if you were there to calm him down instead of me.” 

“He has nightmares?” Ray asked, and Joel nodded. 

“He has so many nightmares. He’ll wake up crying and screaming, I have to hold him down because he trashes about so violently. When he does settle down though, he’ll just go back to bed, so it’s not too bad.”

 

Ray looked down the hallway. He promised Ryan he wouldn’t be long. He needed to wrap things up.

“Hey Michael,” Ray began, “You can head home. Tell Geoff and the gang I’m staying with Ryan for a bit. Oh, and if you can, get me a new cellphone? I lost mine, and I want to be able to contact you guys if I need to.” 

Michael nodded, and Ray stood up.

“I’ll be in Ryan’s room,” he said, “See you later.”

 

And Michael watched as Ray headed back into the room, before turning his gaze to Joel. The man simply shrugged, and got up, leading Michael to the door. But there was one thing Michael needed to get out of his system.

“Joel, about earlier…”

“Hm? You mean your completely, foolish misunderstanding?”

“Shut up. I wanted to ask my question again.”

“Ask away. It can’t be as stupid as the first time.”

“Do you… do you love Ray?”

“Of course I do, that’s a dumb fucking question, jesus Michael.”

 “What? No, I mean, like, did you have feelings for him or something?”

 

Joel smirked, and looked away.

“Well,” he began, “That’s my personal business. But if you truly must know, no, I don’t have feelings for him.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Of course you don’t. Hardly anyone ever believes me.”

“So you’re admitting you’re a liar?”

“No. Well, hm, I’d be lying if I said I’m a perfectly honest man. But, in the end, you’ll never know, so why does it matter?”

“Because he’s staying with you?”

“He’s staying with his boyfriend,” Joel stated, frowning, “Not me. Michael, please, use that brain of yours before speaking.”

“Ugh, whatever. Take care of him, alright?”

“Of course.”

 

And with that, Joel shut the door. He took a deep breath, and chuckled, pressing his forehead on the door.

“Do I have feelings for Ray,” he repeated, smiling in amusement, “What a silly question.”

 

He went to the living room, plopped down on the couch, and took his phone out. He looked through his emails, his messages (all from Adam, gross), and his missed calls.

He sighed, and leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes to listen.

The only sound he heard was Ray talking to Ryan. He smiled.

 

“Who doesn’t have feelings for Ray?” Joel asked, and the only reply he got was Ryan’s soft, muffled laughter from down the hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back!! well, go on! read the next chapter my friend!! :B
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	29. Coming Full Circle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo!! chapter 29! enjoy friends!!

Joel lied about how bad the nightmares are.

Ray awoke to a loud thud, and sat up to see Ryan curled up in a ball by the corner, sobbing. He got out of the bed, and slowly approached him.

Rye?” he asked, and got down on his knees to be eye-level with the gent, “Ryan, look at me.”

“You’re not real,” Ryan cried out, “You’re _not_ real!!”

“Ryan, open your eyes and look at me.”

“You’re _not_ real!” Ryan screamed out, pushing Ray away. The lad fell backward and hit his head, his world spinning, small dots decorating his vision. He shook his head, and sat up, watching Ryan.

 

The man glared at Ray as if he were a stranger. His hands were clenched in such a way that made Ray worry Ryan would cut his skin. His hair covered majority of his face, and he looked so scared. So, so scared.

“Ryan,” Ray began slowly, “Look at me.”

“No,” the man whimpered out, covering his face with his hands, “Go away.”

“Ryan, look at me.”

“No, please, god, don’t torment me like this anymore.”

“Ryan, you have to look at me.”

Ray tried to reach out, to comfort Ryan somehow, but the man flinched when he got close, as if he feared Ray.

“Ryan, please,” Ray managed out, “Look at me--”

 

The next thing Ray knew, he was on his back, Ryan’s hands wrapped firmly around his neck. The man sat atop of him, his eyes bloodshot, staring down at Ray as if the lad were a monster.

“You’re _not_ real,” Ryan muttered, “ _Disappear_.”

“R-ryan!!” Ray choked out, scratching at the man’s arms, trying to free himself. But he was powerless compared to Ryan.

“Disappear,” Ryan muttered again, “ **Disappear**!!”

 

~~That didn’t sound so bad, to be honest.~~

 

“Get your hands off him, you fuck!!”

Ray watched as Joel kicked Ryan’s rips, forcing the man to release Ray and fall to the side. Ray rolled away, coughing, clutching his neck. When he sat up, he saw Joel storm over to Ryan, and pick the man up by the collar of his shirt.

“You’re fucking _dead_ ,” Joel growled, “I told you not to do anything stupid. I should kill you right now you fuck!!”

“Joel!” Ray cried out, and flinched when the man’s cold, furious gaze fell on him, “Let him go! I’m fine!”

“You may be fine, but I’m not,” Joel hissed.

“Joel,” Ray said, a bit more sternly than before, “Let him go.”

The man groaned, and released Ryan, who fell to the ground with a loud thud. Ray scrambled over to him, and helped Ryan up.

“Do whatever you fucking want,” Joel snapped, “He’s a lost cause at the moment.”

 

Ray ignored him as he guided Ryan to the bed, and laid him down. The man trembled, and stared blankly at nothing, tears streaming from his eyes. Ray brushed the hair out of his face, and he heard Joel sigh.

“Come to the kitchen,” Joel muttered, “I’ll make some tea.”

“But Ryan-”

“He needs time alone. Just follow me.”

Ray looked to Ryan, who didn’t make any notion of comprehending the situation. Ray leaned down to place a quick, chaste kiss on his forehead, before following Joel out.

 

“Look,” Joel began, as he walked down the hallway, “I’m sorry. But when I saw him choking you, I couldn’t control myself. How are you, by the way? Your neck…”

“I’m fine,” Ray murmured, “Shocked, but I’m okay. I should’ve expected that.”

Joel hummed in response, and headed into the kitchen. Ray sat on the couch, and couldn’t help but trace his scar with his fingers, as well as place his hands where Ryan had.

He had been so scared. But he knew Ryan was even more terrified than he could ever be.

 

“Here,” Joel said, holding a cup of tea in front of Ray, snapping him out of his thoughts, “Drink up. It should help.”

“Thanks,” Ray mumbled out, taking the cup. It was warm, it calmed him greatly.

He didn’t really _like_ tea though, to be honest.

“So,” Joel said, sitting beside Ray, “Now what? You’ve seen him at his worst. Still think this will work out?”

“I have to try,” Ray said, staring into the teacup, “It’s my fault he’s like this. I have to help.”

“Y’know, I’m getting sick of you two blaming yourselves for this shit.”

“But it’s--”

“The true criminal at fault is Risinger. And he’s still alive, which I find ridiculous.”

 

That sent shivers down Ray’s spine. Joel’s voice, his demeanor, everything was just wrong. Ray had never seen Joel like this.

Then again, Ray didn’t know who Joel really was. He was part of the Big Five when he was younger. He was feared. He was a notorious criminal.

Ray wondered if this was the true Joel.

 

“He wasn’t in a healthy mindset,” Ray said, “I could see that. You shouldn’t be too hard on him.”

“I’ll be however I want to whoever I want.”

“Joel.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Joel!”

“Fine! God, I’m sorry for offending you.”

 

Ray sighed, and took a sip of the tea. It tasted sweet, and Ray actually liked it a lot more than he thought he would.

 

“... Are you okay?” Joel asked, his voice softer, tired even. Ray eyed him curiously.

“I’m fine, honest,” Ray said, “Don’t worry.”

“I can’t help it. I saw you getting strangled. It was terrifying.”

“I’ve faced worse.”

“I know. I hate it.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“I am _nothing_ like Jack.”

 

At that, Ray laughed, but was careful not to spill his drink. He heard Joel chuckle as well, proud of his joke.

 

“That was good,” Ray admitted, “I needed that.”

“I’m always good at cracking a joke here and there.”

“Sure. You’re weird Joel.”

Joel chuckled once more.

 

Ray stared into his cup, before sighing. This was going to take a lot of work. More than he thought. This afternoon was apparently Ryan’s best. Tonight was his worst. So what exactly was neutral?

 

“Joel?” he began, and the man hummed, “Do you think I can save him?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“What?”

“I didn’t expect that.”

“What, you wanted me to say no?”

“I mean,” Ray looked to the side, “I thought you would. Say it was going to be hard, difficult, maybe even impossible.”

“Well, it’s you.”

“Uh…”

“You always save people. Don’t see how this is going to be any different.”

 

Ray went quiet at that. Joel sighed now, and placed his arm around Ray’s shoulder, bringing him in closer. Ray looked up at him questionably.

“You’ll be okay,” the man said, “I know you’ll be. And he’ll be okay too. Trust me.”

Ray smiled softly, and leaned on Joel, shutting his eyes to relax.

“Thanks.”

 

Joel said nothing, but his grip of Ray got tighter. That was a good enough answer for the lad.

* * *

 

When Ray woke up, he was on the couch, a blanket draped over him. Joel was nowhere to be found. The world was still dark, and it probably still very early in the morning. He felt exhausted.

 

His first thought was that he should go check up on Ryan.

He walked down the hallway, and into the room where his lover recided. The man was curled up on the bed, sheets were crumpled and the pillow was missing.

Ray made his way over, and proceeded to lay down, facing Ryan’s back. He carefully wrapped his arms around the man’s torso, and held onto him tightly, allowing his scent to fill Ray.

He shut his eyes once more, and allowed himself to sleep.

 

* * *

 

“How is Ray?”

 

Joel pondered about that question for a bit. Ray was fine, he wasn’t very fazed by Ryan’s outburst. But to Joel, he felt like the lad was confused, upset about everything. But if he said that, everyone would dote on Ray, something he knew the lad hated. Even so, he couldn’t hide the fact Ray was upset.

Screw it.

 

“He’s fine,” Joel said into the phone, “He’s just hanging out with Ryan. Being a cute couple. The usual.”

“Oh, well,” Geoff muttered something under his breath before speaking up again, “Thanks for taking care of them. We’ll come visit soon.”

“Does this meetup have to be at my house?” Joel asked, “Why can’t you go to a nice care or something?”

“Because they’re at your house?”

“Still.”

 

Geoff sighed, and Joel grinned. He loved it when he made the man frustrated.

“Look, we’ll come see them soon. Bye Joel.”

“Goodbye Geoffrey.”

“Fuck you.”

 

And with that, the line went silent. Joel smirked, and shoved his phone back into his pocket. He then looked at the paperwork on his desk, and sighed loudly.

Today was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

Ray woke up in Ryan’s embrace.

Ryan had practically tangled himself around Ray, holding him tightly and making it impossible for the lad to even move.

Ray also realized if he looked up, his nose would brush Ryan’s lips, and he’d end up face to face with his lover. But, to be honest, he didn’t feel like looking up. In fact, he still felt incredibly tired to even wonder what would happened if he did look up.

So Ray curled into Ryan’s embrace, the crown of his head ducked underneath the gent’s chin, and closed his eyes once more.

 

* * *

 

“Do you think Ray hates us?”

 

Michael looked at the Brit, who fiddled with his thumbs as he stared down at the floor.

“He’s mad, but he’d never hate us,” Michael said, as he packed up various drugs into their respective boxes.

“But he was so angry at Geoff and Jack! Who’s to say he doesn’t hate us?”

“Gavin, stop it. You’re worrying too much about this.”

“But-”

“Stop it.”

 

Gavin pouted, but dropped the subject. Instead, he moved closer to Michael, just close enough that their fingers would brush against each other. Michael sighed, and entwined their hands together.

“He’ll be fine,” Michael murmured, “They both will be.”

 

It sounded more like he was reassuring himself than anything.

 

* * *

 

When Ray woke up, Ryan was sitting upright, staring out the window. He looked up at the man, and reached out to brush the long, dirty hair out of his lover’s face. Ryan looked down at him before his finger even reached his face.

 

“G’morning,” Ray murmured, smiling. That smile quickly faded though, when Ryan looked away, biting his bottom lip.

“I hurt you,” Ryan whispered.

Ray sat up now, and scratched the back of his head.

“I mean, not gonna lie,” Ray began, “You did surprise me. It hurt, but hey, dealt with worse.”

“Don’t make light of this. Please.”

“Ryan, you can’t-”

“I hurt you! Joel was right, the way I am now, I’m not… I’m not fit to be near you…”

“Fuck what Joel says. I decide who gets to be near me or not.”

“Ray, please-”

 

“No!” Ray shouted, startling both Ryan and himself. But he couldn’t falter, not yet.

“Look! I’ve been alone for the past six months with only Kdin to keep me company, and even then, it was only for a little while!! Every single fucking day I wanted nothing more to see you! And here I am, and yeah, sure, you fucked up and hurt me, but I am not leaving you because of that!!”

“But what if I hurt you again?!”

“Then we work around it!”

“I’m not risking it.”

“Not your decision.”

“Ray.”

“I’m staying by your fucking side.”

“You can’t!”

“Just shut the fuck up!!”

 

The two glared at each other, faces close. Ryan’s hair fell in his face, he looked so disheveled and rugged. If Ray weren’t so pissed he’d want to kiss that fucker’s face.

 

_God damnit._

 

“Fuck you,” Ray hissed out, looking away, “You need to bathe. Come on.”

“No.”

“James Ryan Haywood, do not fucking do this to me.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Wow. Just, absolutely amazing. You’re going to pull this shit?!”

“I’m fine this way.”

“Nope. No you are fucking not. Get the fuck up and let’s get you cleaned the fuck up now.”

“No-”

“Now.”

 

Ryan grumbled something before getting up and heading to the bathroom. Ray watched him leave, and when he heard the water beginning to run, he sighed.

Since when was Ryan such a hardass?

 

Ray shook his head, and got up, entering the bathroom himself. Ryan had taken his shirt off, and had just slipped one leg out of his jeans. Ray couldn’t help but note how many scars and cuts the man had littered on his body.

It was a sad sight.

 

“Alright, get in the tub,” Ray said, as he plugged the drain and made sure the water was warm, “I’m washing your hair.”

“I’m perfectly capable of washing it myself-”

“Shut up. I’m mad at you.”

Ryan sighed, and Ray backed up so his lover could enter the bath, looking at the wall beside him. When Ryan cleared his throat, Ray looked back at him, and snorted.

 

Ryan was hugging his knees, sulking. The Ryan Haywood, known as the notorious Vagabond, was sulking in the bath. What a sight.

“Stop that,” Ray murmured, as he poured shampoo into his hands, “I’m not pitying you.”

Ryan said nothing. Ray just began to work the shampoo into Ryan’s hair, a bit shocked at how tangled it was. But then again, he had no idea when was the last time Ryan took care of himself. After all, his weird beard scruffle thing was looking a bit like Jack’s.

 

“You’re hair has way too many knots,” Ray complained aloud, “And it’s hella greasy. Like, gross kind of greasy. You’re so lucky I’m numb to this shit.”

“I can do it myself,” Ryan grumbled, but Ray ignored him and continued to work. He tried to untangle majority of the knots in Ryan’s hair, as well as estimate how much he should cut if Ryan allowed it. His hair when they were last together was always in a ponytail, and Ray always assumed if he let it down it would just barely touch his shoulders. Now, it has passed his shoulders, and was almost halfway past his collar bone.

To be honest, Ray wouldn’t mind the length. But Ryan still needed a hair trim.

 

“You’re hair is long” Ray now said, “Can I cut it?”

Ryan eyed him curiously, and Ray smiled.

“I can cut hair. It’s not hard. I used to cut my own after all. Living on the streets, was a hard--”

 

_Streets._

_His treasure was missing._

_"He took your diary and, from what he wrote down, some treasure or somethin’ of yours.”_

 

“Hey Rye?”

“Now what.”

“Wow, rude. Anyways, did you take a red hat from me?”

“Red hat?”

“I guess to be more specific, a red baseball cap. It was in my drawer, by my bed?”

“Oh. You mean my old hat.”

“Yeah! It-- Wait.”

 

Ray stared at Ryan, who stared down at the water. Ryan’s old hat?

Now that he thought of it, in the diary, Ryan had said he was the one who gave Ray the cap in the first place. That murderer all those years ago, the one with piercing blue eyes…

He didn’t believe it.

 

“ _Your_ old hat?” Ray asked slowly.

“Yeah,” Ryan said,  “A bit worn out, not exactly red anymore. I placed money in it cause you shut your eyes, and placed it on your head. I walked away before you could do anything.”

The only one who could’ve known that was Ray and the murderer.

 

“Fuck you!!” Ray yelled, standing up quickly.

“Excuse me?” Ryan asked, looking up at Ray confused.

“Fuck you!! Oh my fucking god, fuck you!! Just fuckity fuck you to fucking fuck!!”

Ryan’s jaw held agape as he watched Ray.

“It was you?!” Ray asked, “That bastard who gave me money for no fucking reason?!”

“You were homeless!”

“And you were a murderer?! What the fuck was your intention back then?!”

“To give you a chance at life!! Why are you so upset?!”

“Because I’m not ready to repay you!”

“I don’t need repayment!!”

“Fuck you!! Fuck you now, fuck you back then, fuck this!! I’m so fucking!! Fuck!!!”

“You’re making no sense!!”

Ray just screamed.

 

After that, well, the two men just glared at one another. But, eventually, Ray snorted again, and burst out laughing. Ryan on the other hand, looked absolutely lost.

“Why are you laughing now?” he asked.

“Because we’re so fucking dumb!”

“I’m lost.”

“Just… All these years, I tried to live on out of spite towards you.”

“Spite?”

“Yeah. I wanted to find you and shove money back in your hands, tell you I didn’t need your pity, and to go fuck yourself.”

“Why?”

“Cause I’m a stubborn bastard? I accepted death that day, I saw you kill someone. I thought you’d do me in finally. Instead you gave me a chance at life. That pissed me off.”

“I don’t understand at all.”

“Look, just… Thank you.”

 

Ryan said nothing, just stared at Ray. Ray never thought this day would come. He wanted it to happen, true, but now? With the man he saw as his beloved? How silly is that? It was ridiculous!! And yet here they were. How stupid. Fuck.

“Thank you for-” his voice cracked, he felt the tears coming, _fuck_ , “-for giving me that chance. For allowing me to live on and meet the others. For everything.”

Ray didn’t stop the tears from falling.

“Thank you for coming to join the Fake AH Crew. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being that man who saved me back then, who saved me now… Thank you for letting me be yours…”

Ray chuckled, and took his glasses off, wiping his eyes.

“This is-” he hiccuped, “-fucking embarassing. I’m breaking down in the bathroom, you’re naked, what a fucking mess.”

“Ray…”

“Don’t ever,” Ray breathed out shakily, “Don’t ever say you don’t deserve me. That you should’ve never met me. Because you helped me so fucking much, and I love you so so much. It’s so pathetic.”

“... Let me finish up. You should go get some water, and I’ll talk to you afterwards.”

 

Ray nodded, and got up, leaving the room. He wiped his somewhat soapy hands on his jeans, and rubbed his eyes, sniffling down the hallway. When he reached the kitchen, he grabbed a glass cup and filled it with sink water, but watched as it overflowed and spilled over his hands.

He _hated_ getting emotional.

He pulled the cup away from the water, and took a sip. Then, well, he felt stupid and just chugged the glass of water down. The water continued to run, and he watched it, not knowing exactly what he wanted to do.

 

“Ray.”

 

The lad looked over at Ryan, who stood beside him, hair dripping wet, still shirtless but at least he had pants on. He smelled nice.

“Shit,” Ray murmured, “How long was I spacing out?”

“Not long. I take quick showers.”

Ray chuckled, but that quickly died out. He stared at the running water, smiling for some reason.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ryan whispered, “For hurting you so much.”

“We’re a mess.”

“We really are.”

“Promise me you’ll stop trying to push me away.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“At least try.”

“I will.”

“Promise me you’ll get better soon.”

“I’ll try. I’ll try for you.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“Until you say you don’t want me, I’ll never leave. I owe you that much.”

“You owe me?”

“Didn’t you say you wanted to repay me?”

 

Ray looked up at him, and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Ryan smiling.

 

“I’m going to stay until you find a way to repay me. Until you’re satisfied.”

“And if I never find a way?”

“Well, I’ll stay with you forever I guess.”

“There’s the sappy Ryan Haywood I know.”

 

Ryan laughed, and god, Ray’s heart soared. He missed that. He missed his laugh, his smile, he had missed it so much.

 

“Ray, I’m sorry. For everything.”

“Y’know, we gotta stop this whole blame ourselves thing.”

“What?”

“Some advice I got. Blaming ourselves for everything is dumb. We should just roll with the punches.”

“I--”

“Fuck you.”

“Uhh?”

“Fuck you, fuck this.”

Ryan tilted his head, and Ray snickered.

 

They had finally come full circle since that day seven years ago.

 

Fuck him.

 

Fuck this.

  
Ray was fucking happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're almost at chapter 30!! go read it! <3
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	30. One Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 30!! its short, sorry about that, but hey!! it's here! (o u o
> 
> (if you came to this chapter, warning!! you should go make sure you read chapters 28 and 29. this is chapter 30, part of the three chapters upload i did!! so uh, i hope this makes sense, but if you're a reader, you left off on chapter 27!! so make sure to go read 28 and 29 before this one!! if you already did, well, enjoy!)

The weeks after that were a mix of emotions. Ryan and Ray stuck together, Ray reassuring Ryan he would not leave, nor would he disappear. Whenever there were nightmares, Ray cautiously dealt with them, comforting the bigger man as he sobbed.

The nights where Ryan had extremely horrid nightmares, just like the first night Ray had stayed with Ryan, Ray always waited for him on the bed. He would watch his lover, and clutch the bed sheets tightly, in pain for not being able to hold him. But when Ryan’s breathing evened, and he began to softly cry, Ray would get up and sit beside him.

Either way, they had a system. Ray would help Ryan recover. Ryan would rely on Ray for help.

 

Joel rarely was home. Ray barely ever saw the man, and whenever he did, he looked either exhausted or annoyed. Must be a bank thing. When Joel was in a good mood though, they talked often of how Ryan was doing, and how hopefully the two could “get out of my hair” soon.

The Fake AH Crew visited whenever they could. Ryan never came out to greet them, nor did he ever see them. Ray had to reassure them he was okay, that he just needed time. They understood, but Ray knew they were distressed and extremely worried.

 

And a month and a half passed.

 

“I hate shaving,” Ryan muttered, as he carefully dragged the blade across his face.

“Your beard thing is weird,” Ray said, as he washed his hands, “Don’t go baby face on me though. I like that rugged scruffle thing you always had.”

“Easier said than done,” Ryan grumbled, “You might have to put up with my baby face if I fuck up.”

“Welp. Guess I won’t kiss you for the next few weeks.”

“That’s a bit cruel, don’t you think?”

Ray shrugged, chuckling. Ryan shook his head, sighing as he continue to try and get rid of most of his facial hair. Ray smiled, and left the bathroom, heading to their room they shared for the past month.

 

Ryan said he wanted to go home today.

Go home to the Fake AH Crew.

 

Ray took his phone out, and began to text Michael.

 

** XRay ** _ : excited to see my sexy ass today? ;) _

**Moogar** : _No_.

**XRay** : _wow. rude._

**Moogar** : _you know im just joking :P_

**XRay** : _still_

**Moogar** : _are you sure he’s ready?_

 **XRay** : _he wants to see everyone. im sure he’s ready_

**Moogar** : _we miss him_

**XRay** : _he misses everyone too_

 

“Ray?” Ryan called out, “Do I look okay?”

Ray stowed his phone away, and walked back into the bathroom. Ryan had put his still long, but much neater hair in a ponytail, and he had shaved majority of his beard. He was wearing his trademark leather jacket, and well, he looked like Ryan Haywood. Well, if you ignore the scar on his cheek, as well as the little cuts here and there from old fights...

 

“You look fine,” Ray breathed out.

“Really? I haven’t cleaned up this much in forever-”

Ray approached the man, and adjusted his jacket a bit. Ryan watched him, as Ray straightened his shirt, brushed some stray hairs away from his face, and then cupping that very face he loved.

“You’re fine,” Ray repeated, “Dapper as always.”

“Dapper,” Ryan asked, eyebrow raised, “Really?”

Ray leaned up to kiss the dork, sighing happily when he pulled away.

“Pretty damn dapper in my opinion,” Ray said.

Ryan chuckled, and leaned down to kiss Ray again. Ray kissed back, clutching Ryan’s arm, smiling into the kiss.

 

When they pulled away, Ryan placed his forehead on Ray’s.

“We still have a long way to go,” Ryan murmured, “I’m not completely okay. You know this right?”

“I do,” Ray said firmly, “But I will help you recover. Step by step, all the way. For better or for worse.”

“I promise I will try my best.”

“I promise to be supportive.”

Ryan smiled, and kissed Ray once more. 

 

“Well,” Ray huffed out, “Time to go?”

“I suppose it is,” Ryan said, taking Ray’s hand in his.

 

* * *

 

“Where the fuck did you put my beers?!”

“Shut up! We need to try and get this stain out!”

“I can’t find my sunglasses!!”

“They’re on your head dumbass!! Don’t get in the fucking way!”

“Where are the diet cokes?! We bought them yesterday!!”

“I thought we put then in the fridge!”

“Gavin you fucker get away from the table!!”

 

Ryan and Ray looked at one another, standing right outside the Fake AH Crew’s home. Their home. And they both bit their lips to hold in their laugher, trembling as they listened to the chaos within.

“I kinda wanna kick the door open,” Ray whispered, “Just to see their panicking reactions.”

“Same, but that might set the house on fire,” Ryan whispered back, grinning, “You think they bought roses for you?”

“God no, I hope not. If they did I owe you five dollars.”

“Just five?”

“Yeup.”

“Deal.”

 

They waited a few minutes for everything within the house to settle down, and then, Ryan knocked on the door.

“Shit-- I mean yeah!! Door’s open!” 

Ray opened the door.

 

Their ears exploded from the sound of party poppers, cheers, and a squawk from Gavin.

“Welcome home!!” Geoff yelled, tears streaming down his eyes, “You fucks! Took you long enough!! I'm so fuckin' sorry!!”

“I think I lost five years off my life,” Ray muttered, “Thanks I guess?”

“Ryan!!” Gavin cried, lunging at the Gent and hugging him tightly, “You look good old chap! I missed you!!”

 

Ryan looked shocked, and looked at Ray for help. All Ray did was urge him to hug back. And so Ryan did. He hugged Gavin back, looking so confused, as if this was some foreign concept.

“Gavin, get the fuck off him!!” Michael yelled, yanking the Brit back, “Give him space, for fucks sake.”

“But Michael!!” Gavin said, “I haven’t seen Ryan for almost a year!”

“We haven’t either dumbass!!”

Ryan chuckled, and Ray smiled.

 

“I’m home,” Ryan said softly, and that was when hell broke lose.

 

“I was so fuckin’ worried for you asshole!!”

“I’m so relieved to see you safe!”

“Don’t ever leave without a word you fuck!”

“I’m going to cry you shithead stop smiling!”

“I missed you!!”

 

Ryan and Ray just smiled. Ray would keep quiet about how he saw Ryan tearing up as their friends continued to yell and cry about their return.

They were home.

 

“Oh Ray!” Lindsay began, guiding him towards the living room, “Look! We got you roses!”

Ray stared at them, before bursting into laughter. Lindsay stared at him curiously, as he rushed back to Ryan and dragged him over.

“You were right!” Ray exclaimed, “They got me roses!”

Ryan began to laugh now, as Ray handed him a five dollar bill. Everyone eyed them curiously, but once they explained the joke, well, everyone began to smile and laugh.

What a silly thing to be so ecstatic about.

 

* * *

 

Ray didn’t realize how fast time could fly by.

Ryan and Ray were allowed to choose which heists they wanted to go on and what they wanted to do in general. The crew was very supportive and understanding of their decisions. Whenever Ryan had a nightmare, they kept their space, letting Ray deal with it.

All in all, everyone was helping Ryan recover. Small little things to try and get him on his feet again. Ray was the biggest contributor, but he couldn’t help but notice how Geoff made a great effort to help Ryan just as much. It made him happy.

 

Then six months passed.

Ryan was practically back to himself. There were rarely nights where the nightmares were extreme, in fact they slept together soundly without any outbursts. 

Everything was going great.

 

That is, until Gavin came around again to mess with Ray.

“Hey XRay?” Gavin began, as they stood on the balcony, looking out at the city, “I have a question.”

“I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?”

“Have you had sex with Ryan?”

Ray blushed, and glared at Gavin, who grinned at him.

“I’m taking that as a no,” Gavin said, “How long have you been together? Two years?”

“That’s none of your fucking business!” Ray cried out, slamming his hands down on the railing, “Stop. Now.”

“But XRay!!”

“Shut the fuck or so help me god.”

“Fine. But you should get on with it yknow!”

 

Ray crossed his arms and looked away. Damnit Gavin. Now the thought won’t leave his fucking brain. He was fucked.

“I fucking hate you,” Ray grumbled, “Why do you have to torture me like this?”

“Aw XRay, are you thinking about Ryan--”

“Shut up.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m having major deja vu,” Ray muttered to Ryan, as they laid in bed together, cuddling.

“What is it?” Ryan asked, as he ran his fingers through Ray’s hair.

“Gavin asked me a shitty question, now it won’t leave my mind, and I’m stuck telling myself to ignore him. This happened before yknow.”

“Really? With what?”

“You.”

Ryan stopped moving, and looked at Ray curiously.

 

“He asked me if I liked you, like, like liked you, back before we started dating,” Ray murmured, “And now he asked a stupid question and I’m thinking way too much about it.”

“And that question is…?”

“Sex.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

 

They sat in silence for a bit, Ray realizing how awkward that conversation had been and blushing. _Welp_.

“But hey! It’s okay. I don’t give a shit!” he quickly said, “Don’t worry about it Rye.”

Ryan said nothing. Ray watched his face, unmoving, lost in thought. He began to panic.

“Rye?”

“Do you want to have sex?”

Ray blushed, and looked away.

“I mean… Eventually? Not now though?”

“Okay.”

“That’s it?”

“Unless you have anything else to add?”

“Well. Uh. I mean. Have you ever had sex?”

“No. Have you?”

“No.”

 

They looked at each other, Ryan having a small blush scattered on his face, Ray feeling a lot of heat rushing to his face. This conversation was so awkward. So, so awfully awkward.

“Well,” Ryan began,clearing his throat, “Whenever you’re ready, we can have sex.”

“You sure?”

“I mean, I guess? Unless you never want to have sex. I understand.”

“I mean, it’s not like I don’t want to have sex, it’s just, I don’t know how?”

“Well, I don’t either so. We can work around it.”

 

“...Hey Ryan?”

“Hm?”

“This is really awkward.”

Ryan chuckled.

“It is. Let’s just go to sleep.”

Ray nodded, and clung onto Ryan tightly, closing his eyes. The idea of having sex with Ryan wasn’t bad. In fact, he couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like.

 

Maybe one day.

* * *

 

Joel came by to visit one day.

 

He entered their home unannounced, grinning, and plopping down on the couch right in the middle of Ray and Ryan. They reluctantly scooted away to make room for him. He wrapped his arms around their shoulders though, and brought them closer.

“How is my favorite pair of gross lovebirds?” Joel asked, smiling down at Ray, “Any developments your shaky but super strong relationship?”

“Joel, please, stop,” Ray murmured, and Joel chuckled.

“Nah, I haven’t seen you in so long! Running a bank is fucking hard, and like, boring. You have to go to so many meetings and sign so many papers and count shit and it’s no fun. But I’m finally free--”

“You mean you ran away,” Ryan cut in, and Joel pouted.

“Well, I mean, no? But also yes? Anyways!! I’m here to spend time with my most favorite people in the whole world.”

“You mean the only ones who put up with you,” Ray deadpanned, and Joel sighed.

“What is up with you two being complete asses towards me?” he asked, “I’m came here to have a fun time and all you two want to do is kick me down. I’m telling Geoff you’re bullying me.”

 

“Geoff could give less than two fucks at the moment,” the man himself said, as he examined his door, “This was locked. How’d you get in?”

“Picked the lock. Duh.”

“Sure you did.  Whatever. I’m heading out. Ryan, Ray, watch him. Everyone is going to be out for a while tonight so. Bye.”

 

Joel just smiled as Geoff left. Ray couldn’t help but sigh loudly, leaning on Joel since there was no chance of escape.

“Aw, look, you do like me,” Joel said, “Ryan, don’t hold back, you can do the same!”

“We’re the same height.”

“So?”

“Ray’s smaller than us, which is why he can easily just rest on you. I, on the other hand, would be super uncomfortable.”

“Well then. Suit yourself!”

Ray smiled, and closed his eyes. 

 

What a bunch of fucking nerds.

* * *

 

Ryan realized that Ray was fast asleep after a few minutes had past, snoring softly as he rested on Joel’s shoulder. So Ryan took his chance.

 

“Joel?”

“Yes Ryan?”

“Do you still love Ray?”

Joel smirked, and looked at Ryan curiously.

 

“You still hung over about that?”

“Well. It’s not easy to forget it when you slammed my head into a wall.”

Joel laughed, but was careful not to wake Ray. 

“True. I did you in pretty fucking good.”

“Well?”

“Yeah. But I won’t act on it. His happiness is all I need. This silly, clumsy, aloof idiot smiling everyday, I don’t need anything more. But.”

 

Joel looked at Ryan coldly, and Ryan felt chills run up and down his spine. His instincts told him to run.

_ He wasn’t going to. _

“You make him cry, you hurt him, you break his fucking heart,” Joel said, “I’ll kill you.”

Ryan simply nodded. Joel now looked down at Ray, and smiled.

“He’s so weird,” Joel murmured, “Dumbass.”

 

Ryan couldn’t help but note how affectionately he said that.

 

* * *

 

When Ray awoke, he was laying down on Ryan’s lap. The world outside was dark, the only thing lighting the room up was the lamp beside the couches. The man was reading something, probably an old theater script or some weird book he found in a store. Either way, Ryan with glasses was pretty hot. Then again, Ryan is general was hot. 

“Morning,” Ray yawned, and Ryan smiled, shutting the book and leaning down to place a chaste kiss on Ray’s forehead.

“Good morning,” Ryan murmured, “Sleep well?”

“Yeah. Did Joel leave already?”

“Adam called him. He’s in huge trouble for abandoning his work for so long.”

“Nice. How does he own so many fucking banks if he’s such a slacker?”

“Probably cheats. He’s good at that.”

 

Ray smiled, and reached up to pull Ryan down so he could kiss the man. Ryan chuckled into the kiss, and eventually Ray ended up sitting in Ryan’s lap, making out with his lover.

 

Ray then realized they were the only two home.

Geoff said nobody would be home until later tonight or tomorrow morning. And to be honest, Ray want Ryan now more than ever.

May as well.

 

“Rye?” Ray breathed out, and the gent hummed as he kissed the corner of Ray’s lips, “Do you want to do it now?”

Ryan pulled away, and looked Ray straight in the eyes. It was a bit intimidating if anything.

“Do you?” he asked.

Ray hesitated. But he swallowed, and nodded.

“I want to do it now.”

 

Ryan kissed Ray on the lips quickly, before lifting him up, Ray instinctively wrapping his legs around Ryan’s waist. Ryan grinned at Ray’s blush, as he looked down at the gent, arms wrapped around his neck. Rya held Ray up by his thighs, and to be honest, it aroused Ray a bit to see Ryan at this angle.

“I can walk on my own!” Ray blubbered out, as he held onto Ryan tightly.

“Well, I’ve always wanted to do this so,” Ryan smiled, “You sure about this?”

Ray nodded, and leaned down to kiss Ryan on the lips. Ryan kissed him back, and walked towards their room, never breaking the kiss.

When they were in the room, Ryan let Ray down, locking the door behind him. He smiled down at Ray, and kissed him on the lips once more.

 

“I love you,” he murmured.

“I love you too,” Ray murmured back.

  
For once, he was glad Gavin asked such a stupid question.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is all sin!! \\(; D ;)/ just pure sin and sex and i am a sinful child.  
> anyways!! when next chapter goes up, if you dont wanna read the sin, chapter 32 will be uploaded alongside it as the aftermath, so you can just skip chapter 31 and read chapter 32. does that make sense? idk. i hope it does!!  
> also! if you want to see what the hell joel and ryan are talking about, comment below!! im thinking of uploading it as a red cap extra... what do y'all want? (o u o
> 
> hope you enjoyed this huge update!! love you all so so much, im so sorry i havent been able to update so much. real life is extremely stressful, and ive been so so busy. im lucky i got on today to even upload these three chapters!! but thank you all for being such amazing fans and making me laugh and smile!!! <333 thank you!!!!
> 
> also, if you message me on tumblr, i usually keep the message to look back at and motivate myself!! so thank you for that!! and for everyone who ever comments, thank you!! last chapter (well, chapter 27 really) i recieved so many nice comments that i didn't get the chance to reply to. so here is my way of saying thank you so so much for those comments!!! <333
> 
> thank you everyone!!! <3333
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!!)


	31. Pathetic Happy Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning!!! this is a pure smutty chapter filled with smut, please skip this chapter if you do not wish to read smut!! it is not necessary for plot!! this is your warning!!
> 
> so. smut.  
> that's all this chapter is. sappy, silly, smut. my friend had to help write this because i have zero knowledge on how sex works. at all. welp. hopefully you like it!! sorry it took four months to produce. real life/graduation preparation (im graduating high school!!) was a bitch 3 but soon summer is starting which means free time!! no more stress!! which is always, always really good <33
> 
> so enjoy!!! more notes at the end btw <3;;

Ray had never had sex.

Ryan had never had sex.

In their line of work, forming bonds, romantic ones especially, it wasn’t easy. The Fake AH Crew made it look easy, but it really wasn’t. So for Ray and Ryan to be a bit inexperienced, well, that wasn’t strange at all. 

That still didn’t make Ray feel better. In fact, he felt extremely self conscious about being so clueless as to how to act.

 

Ryan, on the other hand, led pretty well.

“Ray,” he cooed, continuing to kiss the lad, “I love you.”

When Ryan softly bit Ray’s bottom lip, he parted them, allowing Ryan’s tongue to slip in. Their lips crushed together, tongues tangled, and Ray instinctively wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck. He tugged slightly on Ryan’s hair, causing the gent to moan as he kissed Ray. The sound made Ray shiver.

When Ryan pulled away, Ray couldn’t help but note the other’s swollen lips, eagerly smiling at the lad. 

 

“Do we, uh, do you have lube?” he asked, “Before we continue, I uh…”

“It’s in my nightstand,” Ray murmured, “I have some in the bottom drawer.”

“And uhm, condoms?”

“Shit, uh, no, but there should be some in the bathroom, under the sink.”

 

There was a short silence before they both laughed, Ray resting his forehead on Ryan’s chest.

“I have no fucking clue what I’m doing,” he said, hugging Ryan, “Sorry.”

“Same,” Ryan replied, running his hand down Ray’s back as he held him, “I locked the door too. We’re a mess.”

“So true it hurts,” Ray chuckled, before leaning up to kiss the nape of Ryan’s neck, “I can go get the condoms, and you just… I dunno, stay here? Shit.”

 

They laughed again, and Ryan released Ray. He quickly unlocked the door and rushed to the bathroom, searching for the confounded things. This was going to be an experience, for better or for worse. He hoped it would be for better.

“Found them,” Ray muttered under his breath, “Thank god Michael hasn’t used all of them.”

He made his way back, heart pounding. They were actually doing this. They were going to do it. God, was it suppose to be this nerve wrecking? Ray didn’t know.

 

When he entered his room, shutting the door and locking it once more, Ryan was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking just as nervous and uneasy as Ray felt. He smiled at Ray though, who blushed at the sight.

“I, uh, found the stuff,” Ray said, making his way over. He set the condoms on the nightstand, and dug his bottle of lube out, before hearing Ryan laugh softly. 

“I’m sorry,” Ryan murmured, “Just nervous.”

“Same,” Ray chirped back, taking a deep breath, “Well, I mean, round 2?”

“Round 1 didn’t even start.”

“Shut up.”

Ryan laughed again. Ray wanted to relish in that sound forever. 

He made his way over and straddled Ryan, placing his arms on the man’s shoulders and smiling.

“Are we ready?” Ray asked.

“I believe we are,” Ryan whispered, as he pressed his lips against Ray’s once more. Ray eagerly kissed back, wanting Ryan more than ever. 

 

As they kissed, Ryan’s hand made their way to the hem of Ray’s shirt, and he tugged on them slightly, as if asking for permission. Ray broke the kiss and allowed Ryan to pull his shirt off, discarding it to the side. He then began to kiss Ray’s collarbone before trailing up Ray’s skin.

“R-rye,” Ray whimpered out, the sensation making him tremble slightly. Ryan said nothing, continuing his trail of kisses, up his neck and jawline, nibbling and sucking on skin. Ray tugged on Ryan’s shirt, feeling weak in Ryan’s embrace.

“You’re so beautiful,” Ryan cooed into Ray’s cheek, “You’re amazing. You’re everything I love.”

“Sappy dork,” Ray breathed out, as he began to try and lift the other’s shirt over his head, “So… so sappy…”

Ryan eventually broke away for Ray could strip him, and once the fabric was thrown god knows where, Ray pushed Ryan down so he was lying on the bed. 

Ray wanted to lead now.

 

Situating himself so he straddled Ryan, Ray looked down at his lover, who stared back up at him, face slightly red, but smiling none the less. Ray was once again reminded how beautiful his lover was, and it made his heart flutter.

“Do you mind?” Ray asked.

“Never,” Ryan said, and Ray leaned down to kiss Ryan’s lips, teeth clashing a little bit from rushing. But Ryan chuckled into the kiss, and Ray couldn't help but smile. He then pulled away slightly, and made his way down, kissing and sucking on various parts of Ryan’s body. The gent shivered as he moved even more down, and it just motivated Ray to leave hickies everywhere on his love.

 

“You’re acting like you’ve done this before,” Ryan said, his voice somewhat hitched. Ray chuckled, as he unbuckled Ryan’s pants.

“Watched a bunch of porn videos,” Ray murmured, and Ryan now chuckled, “Hopefully I’m doing this right.”

“We’re both new to this so, I mean, whatever feels right should be correct. Unless you want to get into details-.”

“Don’t do this when I’m about to suck you off.”

“Got it.”

 

Ray rolled his eyes, glad Ryan made some conversation. He was nervous as hell, felt like his heart was going to explode from his chest, but he still wanted this. 

He wanted to do this.

 

“Are you okay?” Ryan asked, snapping Ray back into reality. The gent had propped himself up using his shoulders, and god he was handsome. So handsome.

“Ray?” the gent said again, and Ray realized what a fucking dork he was being.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah! I’m fine. Why?”

“Is it wrong to ask?”

“No, I mean, uh…”

 

Ryan now sat up, and Ray backed up a bit so the gent could sit properly before him. 

“You don’t have to force yourself,” Ryan said softly, “If you want to stop, I don’t mind--”

“No! I mean, shit, no, it’s just,” Ray scratched the back of his head, feeling a bit ashamed, “I have no fucking clue what to do. I just want this to be good for the both of us.”

“Ray,” Ryan murmured, cupping Ray’s face in his hands, “It’s not going to be perfect. You’re doing amazing so far.”

Ray placed his hands over Ryan’s, sighing before he says, “I know. But I don’t want it to be bad.”

“If I’m with you, nothing is ever bad.”

Ray couldn’t help but laugh at that.

 

“That’s so sappy.”

“I am a pretty sappy person y’know.”

“I know.”

Ryan’s grin made Ray smile.

“I’ll lead, okay?” Ryan murmured, “You just relax.”

He nodded, and allowing Ryan to strip Ray and himself down, then situate them the way he wanted, the lad ended up laying on the bed, Ryan hovering over him. He was embarrassed, but Ryan’s soft gaze calmed him somewhat.

 

“I’ll go slow, okay?” Ryan said, as he poured lube on his fingers, “If it hurts, you tell me right away.”

Ray only nodded again, and Ryan lifted Ray up slightly before inserting one finger in. Ray bit his bottom lip, and Ryan waited a bit before continuing, slowly, pushing his finger until his finger was fully in Ray’s heat. He waited for some sort of approval from the lad, and was soon awarded with a small exhale of relief from his love. He started moving his finger back and forth at a slow pace, only speeding up a bit when Ray’s breathing started to pick up. 

“You good?” Ryan asked, and Ray nodded.

“You sure?” the gent asked again. Ray just laughed.

“Well, I mean, I have a finger shoved up my ass, feels great though so I can’t complain.”

“Ray…”

“What?”

Ryan chuckled, and Ray just grinned. He had to admit though, Ryan was good at this. If anything, it made Ray wonder if he really was as inexperienced as he said.

 

“I’m going to add another one, okay?” Ryan said, and Ray nodded. 

Making sure Ray was still comfortable, Ryan began inserting a second finger. He could hear Ray take a deep breath and exhale a curse under his breath, before letting out a tiny moaning sound as Ryan pushed in just a bit more. Both paused and stared at each other, and Ray blushed profusely, breaking eye contact because did he really just do that?! Fuck!! That sounded so fucking pathetic and god dammit. Just. Fuck.

Distracted, Ryan let his fingers curl up until Ray made the same noise again, only louder. The lad covered his face with his hands, embarrassed. He couldn’t, no, he wouldn’t want to admit to Ryan, or to anyone for that matter, that he had found his “special” spot, but it seems Ryan caught on because he kept aiming for that it. Ray felt like he was going to go crazy.  

Struggling to keep his moans in, every ounce of determination to remain calm flew out the window when Ryan added a third finger. Ray felt faint, he didn't think he could last much longer, so he put his hand on top of Ryan's wrist, keeping the other hand covering his eyes because fuck, god, this was amazing. Ryan removed his fingers slowly, almost smoothly really.

 

“Did I go too far?” he asked, sounding extremely worried (dork), “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” Ray breathed out, a bit disgusted at how out of breath he sounded, “No, you did amazing, g-god…”

“Are you sure? Don’t lie to me, I got excited and I stopped thinking about your condition and just went--”

Ray sat up, and pulled Ryan in for a kiss, teeth clashing again but he didn’t care. Ryan kissed back, his hand resting on Ray’s thigh.

“You dork,” Ray murmured into the kiss, pulling away slightly, “Stop worrying. You’re doing amazing.”

“S-sorry,” Ryan now breathed out, and Ray couldn’t help but envy the fact that Ryan sounded fucking hot out of breath. He sounded like a fatass. 

 

“Well, now, are you going to fuck me into the mattress or what?”

“Ray…”

“Sorry. Can’t help it.”

Ryan chuckled again, and kissed Ray’s lips once more.

“I love you so, so much,” the gent said.

“I love you too, dork.”

 

Ryan grabbed one of the condoms off the nightstand and ripped it open. Taking it out, before he could even put it on Ray stopped him. Confused, Ryan watched as Ray took the condom away from him.

“At least let me do something to make you feel good,” Ray murmured, blushing a bit, “All you’ve done is make me feel amazing.”

Ryan just smiled, and kissed Ray’s forehead.

“Alright,” he said, and Ray felt his heart flutter. Damn this man and his hot sexy unfairness.

 

Stretching the condom out a bit, Ray spreaded the condom on Ryan’s hard member. The gent let out a breathy, almost strangled moan at Ray's touch, so Ray took this as a sign to wrap his hand around Ryan’s member and give it a few good strokes. Ryan trembled as Ray went on, and so the lad smiled, proud that he could make his love feel as good as he had made him feel. A few moments later, Ray stopped himself so he could spread a bit of lube on Ryan’s member, and giving it a few more strokes, the lad soon laid back down so Ryan could climb back on top of him.

 

“You ready?” Ryan asked, face a bit flushed, his hair slightly clinging onto his forehead. God, he was so fucking hot.

“Ray?” Ryan asked again, and dammit, Ray really has got to stop dazing off into who the fuck knows land.

“Sorry, I got distracted by how hot you look,” Ray said, “You really pull off the hot, sexy dad look, did you know that?”

“Ray. Really?”

“What? It’s the truth!”

And again, as always, Ryan just laughed. He leaned down to kiss Ray once more, and then proceeded to kiss the tip of Ray’s, his forehead, and once again, his lips. 

“Cheesy,” Ray said, grinning.

“Well, I am about to fuck you into the mattress,” Ryan smirked, “Least I can do is make things a bit cheesy beforehand.”

 

Oh.

_Fuck_.

_ That was hot. _

 

Ray, trying to hide his blush, felt Ryan line his member up to Ray’s entrance. He exhaled, and nodded, only for his breath to hitch when Ryan slowly penetrated him. The gent paused after the head of his member was nestled inside of Ray, looking somewhat concerned. But there was a look in his eyes that showed he wanted to go on, that he wanted to genuinely fuck Ray’s brains out.

And god damnit. Ray was getting so fucking turned on by it.

 

Letting out a deep breath and nodding his head at Ryan to let him know it was okay to move, the gent kissed Ray's cheek in reassurance and began inserting more of his length into Ray. 

It took some time, but once Ryan's member was completely inside of Ray, both of them exhaled. Ryan stilled his movements, waiting for Ray to give him the okay to move. Ray kissed him lightly on his jawline as approval, so Ryan began to slowly rock his hips back and forth into Ray. A little painful to Ray, it took a bit of very slow paced thrusts till Ray's pain subsided and it actually felt good. 

No. It didn’t just feel good. It felt fucking amazing.

 

“F-faster…” Ray moaned out, but it sounded so garbled that Ray almost hit himself.

But Ryan just kissed his cheek before speeding up his thrusts. Ray wrapped his arms around Ryan's neck to bring him in closer, the gent’s hot breath ghosting over his ear. It made Ray's mind spin, his heart beat speeding up. He soon felt a warmth spread through his lower abdomen and he knew he was close.

“R-rye,” Ray whimpered out, “I’m… I’m gonna c-cum soon, g-god!!”

He bit his bottom lip and curled up a bit, trying to hold it in. Not yet, he wanted this to last a bit more. It felt so good.

“D-don’t push yourself,” Ryan grunted out, “I’m pretty close as well…”

 

Ryan sped up his thrusts even more, if that was even possible. Both of their breathing became labored, and after a few thrusts Ray came, shooting his load onto his and Ryan's stomach. Ryan thrusted a few more times before he came, stilling his hips as shockwave ran through them both. 

Ray couldn’t help but arch his back, twitching slightly and breathing heavily. Ryan nestled his face in Ray’s neck, biting softly on the nape, before slowly pulling out from Ray. Ray whimpered, the heat slowly cooling down, and it felt even worse when Ryan got off of him. The gent sat up beside Ray, and disposed of the condom quickly.

“You okay?” Ryan murmured, and Ray nodded, unable to speak. Ryan just smiled softly, and grabbing a few tissues from the nightstand, he quickly cleaned up his stomach before moving onto Ray’s. Ray just laid there, trying to compose himself. 

 

“So,” Ryan began, “How did it feel to get fucked into the mattress?” 

Ray snorted, and rolled over to his side, laughing. He wrapped his arms around Ryan’s waist, resting his forehead on Ryan’s hip.

“Felt really fucking good honestly,” Ray murmured out, “It was hot.”

Ryan chuckled, and began to run his fingers through Ray’s hair. Ray leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and relishing in the after effects.

“You’re so beautiful,” Ryan cooed, “And the fact you’re mine is just…”

“You’re so cheesy,” Ray breathed out, smiling, “The same can be said for you too y’know.”

 

Ryan’s hand trailed down from Ray’s hair to his neck, where he rubbed his thumb against Ray’s scar. Ray shivered, the sensation sending sparks down his body.

“I’m so sorry you had to experience that,” Ryan murmured, “That you had to see me in such a sorry state. For everything, I--”

Ray placed his hand over Ryan’s, and brought it close to his lips. Kissing the gent’s fingers, Ryan went silent.

“It’s in the past,” Ray said, “We’re okay now. That’s what matters.”

Ryan sighed, and soon laid down beside Ray. Pulling the covers up for the both of them, he wrapped his arms around the lad and pulled him in. Ray smiled, and wrapped his own arms around Ryan, and soon the two were a tangled mess under the covers.

 

“I love you Ray,” Ryan murmured, as he kissed Ray’s forehead.

“I love you too,” Ray whispered out. Closing his eyes, he cuddled up to Ryan a little bit more, and sighed happily. The sounds of the outside world, of Ryan’s soft breathing, the occasional sheets rustling, all of it calmed Ray. 

He was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was it? please please leave a comment because i have no idea if this was okay <33;;   
> also, huge shoutout to my friend ashley who helped write this!!! without her this wouldn't be possible <33 i love her lots
> 
> so hey!! quick question, would anyone be willing to like,,, commission me for writings? im thinking of opening commissions for art and writing, but i wanna see if that's a thing people would do. i dunno what i'll charge yet, but just curious!! thanks!!
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!)


	32. We are okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aprox 5000 words of just,,, stuff i guess.   
> again, im so, so sorry it took 4 months for just these two chapters!! real life/graduation prep is a bitch (im gonna graduate high school guys!!) and i easily get stressed out lmao. but here we are!! i hope you enjoy the chapter! <33

Ray awoke in Ryan’s arms, still under the covers, the sun giving the room a soft, white glow. Ray wiggled out of Ryan’s embrace, careful not to wake the man, as he slowly moved his way to see his lover’s face.

Ryan was still asleep, snoring softly with an innocent expression on his face. Ray couldn’t help but smile, as he leaned in to kiss Ryan’s lips. The gent stirred a bit, but showed no signs of waking up.

“Dork,” Ray cooed softly, as he sat up and got out of bed. Throwing on Ryan’s shirt and his boxers, he headed to the bathroom, his hips aching with each step. Hopefully pain pills would help with this, because shit, this stung pretty badly.

  


Entering the bathroom and closing it softly, he examined himself in the mirror. There were various hickies on his body, his hair was a fucking mess, and Ryan’s shirt was fucking huge on his body. He grinned.

“Looking real hot there Ray,” he said to himself, “Hopefully the guys don’t notice.”

He quickly proceeded to take a shower, the warm water nice on his skin, and when he exited, he once again examined himself. Not only was he now wet (haha), the hickies were a bit more visible, popping out despite his dark skin. He ran his finger over them, and yesterday's events replayed in his mind. 

“Well,” Ray murmured, blushing slightly, “This is fine.”

Finishing up in the bathroom, and taking much needed pain pills, he quickly headed back to his room, and went straight to the closet, trying to find good clothes to cover up evidence of a “fun” night. He was soon distracted though by arms wrapping around his waist, and the weight of a grown man being pushed down on him.

  


“Rye, get your sweaty stinky body off me,” Ray said, grinning as Ryan grunted, “Go take a shower.”

“Good morning to you too,” the gent yawned out, kissing Ray’s shoulder, “How are you?”

“Feeling pretty good. You?”

“Happy.”

  


Ray smiled, and turned his head to meet Ryan’s, who was watching him with the sweetest smile ever. The two kissed, Ray leaning back into Ryan and smiling.

“You smell good,” Ryan said as they pulled away, and Ray snorted. 

“Not anymore. You smell awful, and that gross scent is all over my back now.”

Ryan grinned, as he pulled Ray closer into his embrace.

“Ew!! No, stop it!!” Ray yelled, trying to free himself while laughing, “You’re so gross!!”

Ryan remained silent as he kissed Ray’s neck, moving upwards to his cheek, and then to nibbling softly on Ray’s neck.

“You’re horrible!” Ray said, as he finally managed to push Ryan away, “Now I have to go shower again. Gross.”

“You can bathe with me,” Ryan said, as he leaned into kiss Ray’s lips.

“Nope. You’re not gonna convince me.”

  


Ryan kissed his lips again.   


“Nu uh.”

And again, and again, and again, until Ryan had once again grabbed Ray and was just smooching his face. Ray laughed at the gent, before cupping Ryan’s face and pulling him in for a proper kiss.

“Fine,” he breathed out into the kiss, “We’ll shower together. Happy?”

“Happier than before, that’s for sure,” Ryan said.

“Dork.”

* * *

“Good morning!” Jack said, smiling as he cooked breakfast.

“Morning Jack,” Ray yawned, “What’s cooking?”

“Eggs, bacon, the usual.”

Ray nodded, and entered the living room just in time to see Michael tackle Gavin to the ground.    


  


Huh. Dejavu.   


  


“What did he do?” Ray asked, as Michael pinned the brit down and dug through his pockets.

“Stole my fucking wallet is what! Give it back Gavin!!” Michael yelled, but he was laughing. When was he not when it came to Gavin?

“I didn’t take it boi, I swear!” Gavin cried, smiling and giggling, “XRay! Help me Xray!”

“Sorry Vav, you’re on your own.”

“Xraaay!!!”

  


“Xraaaay,” Lindsay mimicked, as she grabbed a glass of orange juice from the fridge, “Come on Gavin, give it up.”

“But Lindsaaay!!”

“Gavin.”

“Fiiiine…”

  


Pulling out Michael’s wallet, the lad snatched it from Gavin and got off. Ray smirked.

“Hey, where’s Rye-rye?” Lindsay asked, looking past Ray, “Wasn’t he with you?”

“He’s getting dressed, cleaning up,” Ray said, “The usual Rye-bread routine.”

“Well,” Ray turned to face Geoff, “Rye-bread better hurry up because I have plans with him. He needs a new fucking wardrobe.”

“I didn’t know he was going out with you today!” Michael said, “What happened to our meeting today?!”

“Plans change,” Geoff grabbed the nearest bottle of whiskey, “Ryan takes priority.”

  


Ray watched as the gent took a long swig out of the bottle, before placing it down, half empty. 

Five seconds. Not bad for halfway.

  


“And are you going by yourself?” Jack asked, as they placed food in plates, “Without inviting me?”

“Why would I want to invite you?”

“Because you have shit fashion sense, and because I won’t get us kicked out of stores.”

Geoff groaned, and Ray snickered. 

“Looks like mom won this round,” Ray said, which led to Geoff grabbing the bottle of whiskey and finishing it. Jack chuckled.

  


“Hey Ryan!” Lindsay suddenly said, and Ray turned to face his love, smiling.

“Hi Linds,” the gent said, “What’s happening?” 

“You have a shopping date with mom and dad today,” Ray began, going up to Ryan and kissing his cheek, “You apparently need a new wardrobe.”

“What’s wrong with my wardrobe now?”

“It’s the same as when we first met!” Geoff exclaimed, as he grabbed his car keys, “Jack’s coming only because he makes good convincing arguments.”

“Or I just make the most sense.”

“Shut up!”

  


The lads all laughed, while Lindsay and Ryan just sighed, smiling. Ray made eye contact with Ryan, and grinned. Ryan looked happy, even if this was a hassle. Good.

“Okay! Let’s go now before Jack ruins my reputation even more,” Geoff exclaimed, as he pulled Ryan towards the door, “See you nerds later!!”

“As if he even had a reputation to begin with,” Jack murmured, causing everyone to giggle, as he followed the two gents.

“Have fun Ryan!” Ray called, waving at his dorky boyfriend who just smiled before being pulled away. Gavin quickly grabbed Lindsay and asked her to help him out with some computer things, which left Michael and Ray to sit on the couch to chill.

  


A few moments passed. Ray read the news headers, seeing if there was anything he should actually read in case it had anything to do with the gang. Michael had been playing Halo for a while, before stopping to stare at Ray.

“What?” Ray asked, not even lifting his head.

“Uh, Ray,” Michael began, before leaning over and whispering so only Ray can hear, “Is that a hickie I see on your neck?”

“What?!” Ray yelled, before hushing himself as he felt a blush come on his face, “No! What are you talking about?”

Michael pat Ray’s shoulder, with a sly grin on his face. “Someone got laaaid…”

“Shut up.”

Michael just burst into laughter, causing Ray to cover his face and groan. Why him.

“I’m happy for you Ray!” Michael said, patting Ray’s shoulder again, “You finally got some action in your life.”

“Please stop,” Ray grumbled, “Please don’t keep talking.”

“Fine, but I’m still happy for you.”

  


Ray just sighed, but he couldn’t help but smile at how Michael was. Sighing loudly, he let himself fall, laying down with his head in the lad’s lap.

“Woah, Ray, that’s kinda gay y’know,” Michael said, but began to run his fingers through Ray’s hair.

“Aren’t we super fucking gay though?” 

“I mean, yeah, but this is pretty gay.”

“Whatever.”

Michael laughed, and continued to groom Ray as he laid there, spacing out.

  


“We’ve been through a lot together, huh?” Ray murmured. Michael’s hand stopped, and Ray just continued his ramble.

“Remember when Ryan first got here? You hated him. And now, you’re like, his best friend.”

“You were the only one who actually was comfortable with him. If it weren’t for you, I’d still hate him... maybe.”

“You’d distrust him more, that’s for sure. Oh! Remember when we went on our first heist with him!”

“You called him Vaga-idiot.”

“Cause he’s an idiot! He wanted to be all cool and suave…”

“Remember how Lindsay came home and he laughed at us? Wasn’t that the first time he spoke?”

“Yeah!! He surprised all of us!”

“Or that time you ran from home, and he went to find you, and you guys came home and he finally started talking to us… Wasn’t that the first time we saw his face?”

“Yes, god, that feels so long ago…”

  


The two lads looked at one another, and laughed. 

“I’m glad you’re alive,” Michael murmured once the laughter ceased, flicking Ray’s nose, “What’d I do without you?”

“Same goes to you,” Ray said, “I almost lost you that day.”

Michael’s expression turned sour, amd he looked away.

“I didn’t get my throat slit. I wasn’t out for six months.”

“Michael…”

“We’ve been through so much shit. I’m so, so glad you’re alive.”

  


Ray sat up, only to hug the lad tightly.

“We’re so fucking sappy,” he said, “We can’t go two minutes without crying.”

“I mean, we’re best buds. Bros before hoes y’know.”

“Except our “hoes” aren’t really hoes.”

“You know what I mean.”

Ray released Michael, but pressed his forehead against the lads.

“I promise I’ll never leave you Michael. You’re the one guy I will never let down.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my fucking heart.”

  


Completely releasing the lad, Michael wiped his eyes and grinned.

“We’re so fucking gay.”

“Yeah... we really are.”

* * *

“No, do not put yellow on him. That’s hideous.”

“But it’s good quality!”

“I don’t give two shits. Put it away Geoff.”

The gent groaned, and shoved the shirt away. Jack sighed in relief, before facing Ryan, who just stood around awkwardly.

“Unless you pick out your own clothes,” Jack began, “Geoff is going to pick ugly ass clothes for you.”

“Uh…”

“Jesus christ, you’re impossible. Come on.”

  


Jack led Ryan through the store, and stopped at one section before pulling out a bunch of clothes and handing them to Ryan. He didn’t say anything as he led Ryan to the next section, and piled even more clothes onto the pile.

“There, go try some these on and see what you think. I’ll go find Geoff.”

“Uhm--”

“Go. Come on, we don’t got all day.”

And so Ryan was pushed into a fitting room, leaving Jack to go scope out Geoff. Lucky for him, the gent was standing in the exact place they left him, pouting. Jack wanted to sigh loudly and leave, but he couldn’t. He never could just leave Geoff, even if he really wanted to.

  


“Hey,” Jack began.

“What.”

“Are you going to just stand there or are you going to join me in getting Ryan nice clothes.”

Geoff looked to the side, and pulled out a blue shirt. He looked at Jack, asking him with his eyes if this was good. Jack shrugged, and Geoff put the shirt back. He then pulled out a black shirt. Jack nodded, and the gent grinned.

“What is up with you anyways?” Jack asked, as Geoff walked to where Ryan was changing, “You’re never this enthusiastic about shopping.”

“I mean, it’s for Ryan. How can I not be enthusiastic.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“What?”

  


Jack stopped, and crossed his arms, eyeing Geoff curiously. The gent looked at Jack, then to the wall, to the ground, before looking back at Jack. The bearded man raised an eyebrow, and Geoff immediately gave in.

“Fine! Jesus, I just… I want to make up to Ryan for not being a better leader. I knew, I fuckin’ knew he was struggling, I knew that Ray’s injury shook him up badly. But I left him alone like an idiot! I let him slip through my fingers and I could never get a grasp on him until now.”

“Geoff--”

“And it wasn’t even me who helped him!! Fuckin’ Joel found him and helped him! I just let him do it, I didn’t even know how to help Ryan! I’m a shitty boss and now that he’s back, the least I can do is make up for it.”

  


Of course Geoff was worried about this.

  


“You are indeed a shitty boss,” Jack said, earning a small groan from Geoff, “But you try way to hard to be some sort of god like being who can fix everything and make everything better. You can’t be a superhero Geoff.”

“But I--”

“You did what you could. None of us knew what to do, but you kept going. You tried so hard to keep what was left of us together. You tried way to hard to make sure we were happy. Now that Ray and Ryan are back, you are stressing so much about trying to keep everything perfect. You need to relax.”

“But--”

“Geoff.”

  


Jack neared the gent, and pulled him in for a hug. Screw the fact they were in public, nobody was in the store anyways, and the cashier knew better than to mess with them. Geoff just stood there, before slowly wrapping his arms around Jack and letting a small sigh escape his lips.

“You feelin’ better?” Jack asked, and Geoff nodded, “Good. Now come on. I think Ryan’s almost done.”

“Just a few more seconds,” Geoff mumbled, “Sorry.”

“Nah. You’re good.”

They stood there for a bit more, and when they released one another, Geoff smiled. Jack couldn’t help but beam back. 

“Hey Rye!” Geoff called, speeding over and knocking on the dressing room door, “You all set or what?”

“Uh, just a minute!!”

“Nope, coming in now.”

Geoff opened the door, and Ryan pulled a shirt over his head, sighing.

  


“Some of these are nice, but they’re way too expensive,” Ryan began as he folded the shirt up. Tossing it into a pile, he grabbed another one and sighed, “I swear I’ve gone through twenty shirts now.”

“We still need to get you jeans. And better shoes,” Geoff said, grimacing at the ugly shoes Ryan had on.

“What’s wrong with my shoes?!”

“Everything,” Jack said, “They’re an insult to shoes everywhere.”

Ryan just scoffed, rolling his eyes as he examined the shirt. Geoff couldn’t help but notice the litter of scars across Ryan’s body, and he cringed. But when looking at Ryan’s face, with that giant gash across his face towards his ear, that always made his heart sink.

  


Jack elbowed Geoff in the side, and the gent glared at him. Jack looked at him with a small smile, a way to say ‘relax’. And so Geoff did. He had to, anyways, so long as Jack was around.

“Can we go now?” Ryan said, not even putting the shirt on, “I have like, maybe seven shirts I picked out from this pile. I don’t need anymore.”

“You still need jeans--”

“And shoes, I know.”

Geoff just grinned, and let the gent walk out, throwing the shirt he had been wearing prior to the shop on. Jack scooped up the clothes they weren’t purchasing and placed them neatly on the go-backs cart. 

“I’ll catch up with you two in a bit,” Jack said, “I’m gonna look around and see if there’s anything for Caiti.”

“Got it,” Geoff said, “If we’re not checking out jeans, go look for us in shoes.”

  


And with that, Jack left, leaving Ryan and Geoff together to browse jeans. Geoff was keen on getting Ryan some nice quality ones, but the man kept refusing everything Geoff picked out.

“Y’know what? No. You’re getting these,” Geoff said, as he placed four different types of jeans in Ryan’s hands, “And these,” he continued, as he placed two more, “And these for sure,” as three more jeans were placed on Ryan’s pile.

“Uh, isn’t this excessive--”

“Nonsense! Go try them on.”

Ryan stood there, eyeing Geoff like he had gone mad. But Geoff crossed his arms, determined to show Ryan he meant business. And it worked. The man sighed, and went back to the fitting room. 

  


_Relax_ , Geoff told himself, _It’s fine._

He looked out the window, into the blue sky. 

_ I have my family still. It’s okay. _

_ I’m okay. _

* * *

“Hello lads!” Gavin cheerfully cried, as he threw his arms around Michael and Ray, “What’cha been up to?”

“Video games,” Ray said, as he quickly made his character shoot shot zombie in the face, “You’re in the way.”

“But XRay! I finally finished up my work! You should be proud of me--”

“I’m proud of you,” Michael said, cutting off Gavin with a huge kiss on the cheek, before resuming his massacre. Gavin giggled, and rounded around to sit in between the two lads, despite the lack of space.

“Where’s Linds?” Michael asked.

“She got a phone call from Meg! They’re chatting up a storm in out room.”

“That’s cool. Tell her to hurry up so we can play Mario Party.”

“Nah, let her talk. She and Meg are real close after all. BFFs, or they act like they are at least.”

  


Michael hummed, before smiling when the giant words “You win!” popped on screen. 

“Well, I guess we can play three man mario party, what do you guys think?”

“That sounds top!”

“I don’t mind.”

So Mario Party 8 was set up, and as usual, the three lads began yelling and screaming at one another. Chaos ensued, and pretty soon Michael was close to strangling Gavin for being a “little bitch”. Ray just laughed.

  


“You started Mario Party without me?!” Lindsay suddenly cried, as she plopped down beside Michael, “What the fuck guys!”

“Well, you were talking to Meg! I couldn’t bother you!” Gavin yelled, before screaming as his character fell off the edge of the screen, losing the minigame.

“HA! That’s what you get Gavin!” Michael cheered, as he duked it out against Ray. The lad remained quiet, focused, as he tried desperately to win.

“But Michael! I’m so close to the star!”   


‘Shut the fuck up-- FUCK!”

  


Ray jumped up and cheered, winning all the money he needed to buy another star. Now nobody could catch up to him (unless they got those bullshit bonus stars). Michael threw his controller down, and Lindsay just laughed, hugging him.

“Aww don’t cry!” she jested, “It’s okay Michael! You can win another minigame!”

Michael sighed loudly, but smiled, leaning into Lindsay’s embrace.

“Gaaay!!” 

“Shut the fuck up Ray.”

“Aw guys!! Let me be a part of this!!”

“C’mere you!!”

And the next thing he knew, Ray was engulfed by a group hug; Lindsay, Michael and Gavin all squeezed him tightly and it felt like they didn’t intend on letting go. He didn’t mind one bit.

  


“This is so fucking gay,” Ray said.

“You’re gay,” Michael said, and Lindsay snorted.

“Hell yeah I am.”

“I love you guys so much,” Gavin said, beaming at them, “Especially you Ray!”

“Me?”

“You’re my XRay after all! My partner in crime!”

Ray chuckled. “Hell yeah I am.”

“Didn’t you just say that.”

“I can say whatever the fuck I want Michael.”

“Sure you can.”

“First Amendment, bitch.”

“Uh huh.”

“Fuck the popo.”

“When did this become about the police?”

  


“Speaking of the police!” Lindsay said suddenly, scaring the lads as she jumped on the T.V remote and switched the news on (which meant playing Mario Party had to wait), “I hope they’re still on… Oh! Look at who it is!”

Ray watched as a car sped through the streets, cops trailing behind it. He had no idea who this was, but the others seemed to know.

“Holy shit! Look at them go!” Michael cried, laughing, “Is that Bruce or James?”

“It might be Kovic!” Gavin said, “I think James is driving.”

“Nah, that  _ has  _ to be Elise driving. She’s crazy behind the wheel.”

  


“Uh,” Ray began, “Who are we talking about?”

  


The trio looked at one another, before focusing in on Ray. The lad felt a tad uncomfortable with them staring at him, but he remained strong. 

“Uhm, long story short XRay,” Gavin began, pretty awkwardly honestly, “Those guys are called Funhaus yeah? And uh, they’re our buddies now. They uh… They also were the guys who kinda helped Jon back then?”

Oh. So _that’s_ who they were.

“Cool,” Ray said, “Introduce me sometime.”

“You’re not upset?” Michael asked, and Ray shrugged.

“I mean, why would I be. It’s in the past. Plus you guys are cool with them, why shouldn’t I be? It’s history, time to move on.”

  


There was a brief moment of silence, one where Ray felt choked. He looked at the trio, unsure how they would react, but the next thing he knew, he (again) was engulfed in a hug, this time one that was extremely uncomfortoable.

“Oh XRay you’re the best!” Gavin declared, “I’m so proud of you lad!”

“What the fuck--”

“You’ve matured a lot huh Ray?!” Lindsay said, “You’re gonna love them, I swear!”

“You guys--”

“They’re really sorry, and they mean it!! They’ve been wanting to meet you too to officially apologize,” Michael cried, trying hard not to tear up.

“Please fix this position or get off,” Ray finally managed to say, and the trio just laughed and adjusted themselves so Ray was in the middle of their hug.

“Better?” Lindsay asked.

“Yeup. Now let’s play Mario Party.”

* * *

“They _what?_ ”

Geoff sighed, and put his phone away as he began to drive forward.

“Funhaus wants to meet you and Ray, to formally apologize.”

“But why?”

“Uh, cause they kinda fucked you two up, pretty badly in case you didn’t know.”

“I don’t need an apology.”

“Just entertain them.”

  


Ryan groaned, and crossed his arms, sinking into the chair. Geoff looked at Jack, seated veside him in the car, who just shrugged. He then looked back at Ryan, who refuses to make eye contact with Geoff.

“Hey, c’mon, it’s really up to Ray. If he doesn’t wanna see them, then you guys don’t gotta.”

“But he will,” Ryan pouted, “I know he will.”

_Well, you’re not wrong,_ Geoff couldn’t help but think, directing his attention to the road. 

  


“Okay, so you go meet them, they apologize, some chit chat is done and boom! Done. No more hard feelings or resentments.”

“Easier said than done.”

“If not for you, do it for Ray,” Jack said, “You know he’s going to forgive them.”

“Then why should I too?”

“Cause it would be what he wants?”

Ryan groaned again, and Jack sighed.

  


“Just be nice,” Geoff said, “When we get home, I’ll call them and see when we can meet. You can prep what to say with Ray and, I dunno, fuck if I care.”

“Fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

“What’s the problem exactly?”

“They tricked us, and led to Ray’s close encounter with death! How could I not be upset?”

“Well, they were being forced to do things by Jon--”

“Doesn’t make me feel better!”

“Sorry.”

  


Ryan sighed, and Geoff could’ve sworn he heard the man cursing under his breath in French. But he didn’t say anything and kept driving. He’d have Ray deal with this later.

* * *

“So we’re gonna go introduce Ryan and Ray to Funhaus soon,”  Geoff said, as he entered the home. The lads and Lindsay were all playing Mario Party, ignoring his words. “Uh, hello, I’m home.”

“Hey there Daddio!” Michael called, his eyes not leaving the screen, “What’s up.”

“We’re meeting Funhaus again soon?”

“That’s good. How’s Jack and Ryan?”

Geoff sighed, and just went to the kitchen. They weren’t gonna pay attention to him anytime soon.

  


“Hey Ray,” Ryan murmured, and the lad hummed as the gent approached the couch, standing right behind Ray, “Are we really going to meet with Funhaus?”

“Apparently they want to meet with us,” Ray said, “So why not?”

“I mean, it just feels…”

“Scary?”

“Yeah.”

  


Ray put his controller down, and sat up to turn around and hug Ryan tightly. He hugged his lover back, sighing.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Ray said, “We’ve got each other, and the others.”

“That’s right!” Lindsay said, grinning, “Blackcat won’t let anyone hurt her Vagabond and Brownman.”

“Same goes for Mogar--”

“And Freebird is here too!”

“Damnit Gavin! I wasn’t finished speaking!”

“Sorry boi.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say Kingpin and Carjack are here too,” Jack said, “Even if Kingpin is drinking himself to a stupor.”

“Am not!!” Geoff called from the kitchen, “Yet!!”

  


Everyone laughed. Ray couldn’t help but note that Ryan somewhat forced himself, and the lad sighed.

“Give us a bit,” Ray said, “Geoff can play for me if he wants.”

He got off the couch, and led Ryan out to the balcony, where the humid, summer air brushed against their skin. The sky was a hazy orange, and Ray couldn’t help but take a long breath before leaning over the railing. Ryan took his place beside the lad, his grip on the railing a bit too tight for Ray’s liking. But he couldn’t blame him. 

  


“It’s okay if you don’t want to go,” Ray began, “I can call it off.”

“But you want to go, right?”

“Kinda.”

“How? Aren’t you upset, angry? Cause I am.”

“Of course I am.”

  


Ryan looked at Ray curiously, confused even. Ray wanted to laugh at how silly he looked.

“I’m absolutely livid that these guys fucked us over,” Ray said, “I mean, my throat got slit! But it’s in the past. What’s good is to move on for the future, talk to them, learn who they are. There’s always a different side to the story.”

“That doesn’t justify what they did.”

“I know. But I’m kinda tired of holding onto grudges. I mean, look where that led Jon. He was so deranged, angry at everything.”

“You’re not Jon though.”

“But I could become like him. You, me, anyone.”

“Ray--”

“Ryan.”

  


The two looked at one another, the air somewhat tense. Finally, Ray just sighed, and broke contact.

“We’ve been through a lot,” he murmured, “but you’re still my Vaga-idiot.”

“ _Wow_. That’s nostalgic.”

“Ain’t it? Michael and I were talking about it.”

“And what else did you discuss?”

“Gay shit.”

“Uh huh.”

“Not joking!” Ray grinned, “I promised him bros before hoes.”

“Oh, so I am hoe now?”

“We did say that technically out hoes ain’t hoes, but I mean, if you want…”

“No, Ray.”

“Just asking.”

  


Ryan chuckled, and placed his hand over Ray’s. Their fingers soon interlocked, and Ryan brought up Ray’s hand to his lips.

“You know I love you more than the world,” Ryan murmured, kissing Ray’s knuckles, “If they hurt you--”

“Je t’aime.”

Ryan’s eyes widened, and he snorted, before bursting into laughter. Ray blushed, and pulled his hand away, pouting.

  


“I tried okay?! God, Ryan, you’re really making me feel stupid.”

“No! No, no, it’s fine, you’re just adorable.”

Ryan smiled at Ray, a smile filled with love and affection for Ray. The lad blushed.

  


“Let’s see, uh,” Ryan’s smile became soft as he cleared his throat, and began to speak again, “Tu es mon amour, mon amour pour toi est éternel. Tu es pour moi la plus belle, que mes baisers soient les mots d'amour que je ne te dis pas.”

“What the heck did you just say?” Ray asked, “It was fucking beautiful, but, y’know.”

“To sum it up, I love you more than anything in this world Ray.”

“I want the full translation.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

  


Ryan blushed, and scratched the back of his head, his smile all dorky and adorable. Ray wanted to smooch his face.

“Well, I said that you’re my love, that my love for you is eternal… Uhm, I also said you are the most beautiful person, and that I want my kisses to make up for what I can’t say...”

“Oh my god, that’s so cheesy.”

“I know! Why do you think it’s hard to translate?”

“Then why did you say it in french?”

“Cause it’s easier?”

  


Ray laughed, and wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck. The gent placed his hands on Ray’s waist, and they smiled at one another.

“You’re too much,” Ray whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you too Ray. More than the world.”

“We’re gonna be alright. I promise.”

“I know. I trust you.”

Ray smiled. 

  


Everything would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back!! please tell me how the chapter was, im a bit anxious abt it lmao 3;;   
> but hey!! so here's some announcements i'd like to make:  
> \- commissions!! would you be willing to buy a piece of writing specifically made for you and only you? im thinking of opening up writing/artwork commissions and i wanted opinions!!   
> \- red cap will be ending soon!! i think chapter 34 or 35 will be the last chapters. boy, it's been a ride hasn't it!! i'm so excited to finish this lil story up. as for sequels, maybe? i haven't given it much though.
> 
> please comment below so i can get opinions/help!! thank you all so, so much for you support and love, i feel horrible i can't deliver more, but i love you all so much and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such great fans!!! 
> 
> (contact me at oceanicmarina.tumblr.com!!)


	33. {Author Update} Hiatus - Story Summary - Update

Hey everyone, Mars here, the author of Red Baseball Cap. Sorry to say but the fic is on a perma hiatus really, so I'm writing this to add peace of mind to myself and others.

Basically, to sum up what I wanted to write but won't, Ray and co. go meet Funhaus, they all become friends, everything's good and friendly, Ryan and Ray live happily ever after! Very simple. If you want to know what happens to other characters,,, eh. Comment below I guess?

As to why I won't write the fics, haha, well, y'see, when I received messages from people demanding I write more, even so far as threatening me to update, I just lost interest. Like, this fic became so disgusting to me. My personal health was disregarded because people wanted to read this dumb fic? Like, not cool, and all it did was make me hate this fic. I'm sorry to those who weren't in the "let's send death threats to the author to hopefully make them write more!" boat, you don't deserve this, but I just can't anymore.

I'm focusing more on stuff I want to write, such as my upcoming webcomic, as well as some fics for Dragon Age since I really like that game. So if you wanna see more of my content I guess you can check those out?

Hope this helps ease some of y'all. Thanks. Sorry. You can find me on my tumblr if ya need me. 

**( ^ above was written 2016-12-06, or december 6th of 2016)**

 

**( v below is written 2017-07-17, or july 17 of 2017)**

oh gosh i do hope this doesnt like, shoot up to the front of raywood fics like most fics do when updated. but rereading this last message, god, what a salty bitch huh? lol

but hello!! mars here, again, i guess. like i said, i reread tht message and it didnt sit right with me how,,, how bitter i was and how i kinda took my rage out on you guys when none of you deserve it. was the saltiness/bitterness justified? i suppose, but at the same time, idk, none of you rlly deserved tht kind of message.

so if you're rereading this or reading this for the first time and ended up here, im so sorry but there isnt anything really new expect this message. but i think this message will be must nicer than the one above, thts for fuckin sure,,, god i cant get over what an absolute bitch i sound like a year ago. ew.

 

anyways. i wanted to,,, revisit what i wrote. 

summary? what a shit stain. god im,,, yeah i know i was salty but jfc past mars. you can do better. so here we go, ver 2 of tht awful summary:

ray and co. were suppose to meet our lovely (past) funhaus members in an attempt to try and "fix" their previous mistakes. obviously, ryan is super on edge and has a hard time accepting this, but after ray calms him down and opens up to him how living in the past isn't healthy, and some other sweet words and nothings, ryan eventually opens up and allows this. thus, funhaus and fake ah crew now have a partnership. after catching up with a lot of people in the next chpt or part or whatever, ray finds himself... looking back, really. a whole recap of what led him this far. how it all started with a silly exchange diary, and ended with him dating probably the most feared man in all of los santos, who was nothing more than a silly dork. as i said, a sweet happy ending where ray and ryan vow to never, ever leave one another, to always stay with each other. i didnt think of it back then, but most likely this would've been a marriage proposal, ryan def being the cheesy one who buys rings,,, or maybe some other cheesy ass thing, haha.

ray def is my writing muse. if you seen my other works, i have a very personal, ranty fic with him taking on my emotions but in gta form lol. i just wish i did him justice in this fic because everything else is... pretty much better than how this ended. and even if it didnt end, it at least wasnt as bitter as this. idk if im making sense rn omg

 

this fic did become a chore for me tho, sad as it is. i couldnt write anything for it without procrastinating or dreading it. so at least i didnt cheese this and end it badly, and straight up said "hey! sorry! but im done!" but god i wish i did it a bit nicer...

its been a year now. not even a year, a year and a half?! damn!!! but im so, so sorry to everyone who was a fan, and whoever found this. y'all deserved better. and i wish i could write the next part but... idk. its hard to, esp after everything. it was scary leaving this fic, and its scary wanting to come back. maybe in the future? who knows. but for now... idk. its rlly hard to say.

if you wanna see my other fics, please do! i have overwatch planned, dragon age def planned, and idk abt raywood but maybe? lol. but yall... yall were amazing. more than any author couldve asked for. im sorry i did this to yall. im so, so sorry it took this long to apologize too. shame on me.

 

if you wanna contact me, my tumblr is now oceanicmars.tumblr.com !! im on there a lot, with a bunch of stuff in store!! i'd def appreciate having yall on there, just following me or even talking to me idk tumblr is wild man its a shitfest but hey i devoted time to it so... rip me lol. uhm what else... i guess thts it? happy year and a half i guess? bleh

much love to whoever the hell is reading this in 2017. you crazy. there's so many lovely fics out now i bet, idk, havent checked, haha,,, but if you are reading this? thank you. idk what made you choose this old, weird fic but it means a lot. thank you so, so much. now go and find some other lovely fic to read. ~~or read one of my fics i wrote lol self advertising i write good i think~~

much love to you. and again!! tumblr at oceanicmars.tumblr.com !!! contact me there if ya want!! otherwise, idk, c omment below? bleh? bleh bleh?? lolol aight im gonna stop now. ciao!! <333


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